Once upon a time. There's a story to be told.

It was a kingdom run by a dying king. Luckily, he had a son. They always do.

The queen had long since abandoned the kingdom, her queenship revoked, but it had ended on completely mutual terms. She had left the king for the rumoured Wild West, where she lived out her days with the man she loved, Clint. The king had never managed to find another lady to wed, but he had a son and a daughter.

His daughter was wild and flitted across the kingdom with many young suitors for her beauty was undeniable. She had not yet found anyone she truly wished to be with, nor did the king think her fit to rule the kingdom.

His son, on the other hand, was more practical and down-to-earth. He had the mettle to rule a kingdom and a fair mind. However, he was starry-eyed at his age, and on a search for true love. The king knew his son would not be ready till he found a wife.

So the king made it his final task to find a love for Ted. He hired a sort of tutor for his son, to teach him the ways of wooing and courting. He taught his son many more things of the world in the meantime, to prepare him for rule. Finally, once the prince had learned enough, the king threw a ball. An invitation was issued to every household, and women from all corners of the kingdom flocked to the dance. This was a sure-fire way to find a woman for Ted, the king was sure. He made sure the tutor accompanied his son to the ball, as the king was bedridden and would not be able to formally attend.

Cut to the two young men sitting at the high table. One has dark, carefully tousled hair, and looks slightly awkward in his suit. He has a pleasant-looking face with potential puppy dog eyes, coupled with a charming smile. The other is taller, with a natural suaveness the former seems to lack in comparison. He has short, blonde hair, and it is with a roguish grin that he finally speaks.

"Alright, Ted, it's time to put those skills into use. I didn't train you all these months for nothing, you know."

Ted nods and bites his lip. "Okay, I can do this."

"That's right," the blonde encourages. "You can do this. Practise run! Go up to that nine and give her the look!"

"The look?"

The tall man sighs and snaps his fingers impatiently in front of Ted's nervous face. "Don't tell me you've forgotten. We agreed that you could never match my debonair approach, given, well, the difference between you and me, so I came up with a whole new one tailored specially for you. Head down, eyes looking up, hands tucked in pockets. Got it?" He pauses to give Ted time to respond. "Okay, go get her!" He pats the prince on the back, nudging him forward.

He stumbles in front of the pretty redhead. "H-hey. I'm Ted."

Fluttering her eyelashes at him, the beauty shifts her body to face him directly. "Of course you are, dear prince." She lets out a coquettish laugh.

"Ha ha. Yeah. Well, I, er, gotta go."

Ted ducks out and heads back to the tutor. "You've got some bad taste, Barney."

"Bad taste? Bad taste? Ted, the girl was a nine. And she was a bimbo. What more could you ask for?"

"Barney, this ball wasn't arranged for me to get laid!"

"…Really?"

"Okay, it was, sort of. But it was so I could meet just one woman, not a parade of one-night stands. Someone I could fall in love with."

There's something about Barney's face that changes then, a look Ted has never seen before. His tutor had always been something of a, let's face it, gigolo. Though money never changes hands and he's the one who courts, he beds as many women as the average… well, Barney. Perhaps a better term would be man-whore, Ted corrects himself internally. But the point remains—Barney doesn't believe in love. The only relations he believes in are: A) Family, B) Friendship, C) Employer-Employee, and D) Physical. All Ted's romantic musings are met with derision and scorn. Sometimes, though, Ted thinks he can glimpse past that mask. And now? For that fleeting moment, there is something else in Barney's face, some hint of what he may have once been.

Then it's gone.

"Fine, be lame and monogamous. Believe in your little fantasies of cheesy romance. But inside your mind, Ted, there'll always be—"

"—A little Barney? Not this time, bro. I'm straight as an arrow, and that arrow is Cupid's."

His tutor groans. "Yeah, whatever. I'll try find your so-called perfect woman. Your dad did hire me to help you, after all. To give you what you think you want. But Ted, heed my words. It is not what you truly want. Because inside your mind, Ted, inside your mind, there'll always be a little Barney—"

"We've been through this, Stinson, move on. Now, I'm thinking about that girl over there?"

Barney doesn't even bother looking. "No, I'm finding the girl. If I have to do this your way, I'll have to do it your father's way too. It must be someone with the aptitude to be a queen and I'm vetting the choices here. God knows what you'll come up with."

He scans the room with practised ease, as though he's some sort of predator stalking his prey. Ted tries to follow his gaze, how Barney stops for a second at a seemingly innocuous spot, how his eyes sometimes dart downward, how he occasionally tilts his head with some unknown thought, but the prince can make no rhyme nor reason of his apparently random movements. What exactly is he searching for?

So he asks. "What exactly are you searching for?"

"Please. I'm an expert at this; don't worry your pretty little head about it. But since you ask so nicely," Barney continues just as Ted is about to drop it. "I'm searching for A) A hot girl who's around your age, B) Not a bimbo (unfortunately), C) Available, which admittedly is a large number of them, and D) Fits the Katy Oslo parameter."

"Katy Oslo?"

"The Royal Guard over at the next kingdom." Barney is about to explain further, perhaps to list out the traits she possesses, when he suddenly stops like a hunting dog catching a promising trail. "Okay, Ted, two-man approach this time. Brunette at three o'clock, right over at the boiled rabbit."

Ted turns. Perhaps it's the bent of his romantic mind, but the crowd of ball gowns seem to move aside, just slightly, to make a clear path to the beautiful girl that he knows is the One. She doesn't turn and meet his eyes, and he moves, almost dreamlike, to the woman. She has a coil of shiny brown hair draped artistically over her left shoulder, with a midnight blue gown with silver accessories to match. Her eyes are accentuated with darkness, her cheeks lifted with a slight blush, but Ted can see the natural beauty beneath the layers of adornment.

Barney gets to her first. "Hi, haaaaaave you met Ted?" he says, tapping her on the shoulder.

She turns, eyebrows arching slightly at the unexpected intrusion, sees Barney, then Ted. "Of course. You're the prince, aren't you?"

"That's right," Ted manages. "What's your name?"

"Robin," she says. "Robin Scherbatsky."

They hit it off. Robin isn't the princess he imagined, but she's perfect. She's great, she's funny, and her favourite thing about the kingdom of Yorken are the palace dogs. (Robin had come from the island of Danca, which wasn't and still isn't a kingdom.)

Until: "Look, Ted, I really like you, but… I know you're here looking for a queen. I'm not. I'm just here to have some fun, and bring back stories about how I met the wonderful prince of Yorken back to my family. And I don't have plans to get married or have kids. I don't want to get married or have kids. Maybe now I wish I did, because you're really great, but I don't."

Ted wants to pursue this, he does. He thinks he can change her (Barney would tease him mercilessly for this bit of feminine thinking). But he doesn't have the time. His dad's dying, and his dad wants to see Ted get married and have an heir. He wants Ted have an easy relationship, a woman who's almost guaranteed to be queen.

And Ted will accept that, and turn away from Robin. Because right from the point she rejects him, he knows it'll never work and it's safer to turn away now.

So he does.

She goes back to Danca.

He doesn't find his queen that day.

So the prince kissed the princess. She awoke, and they lived happily ever after.

(Or not.)

Over in the twin kingdom, Newen, the King and soon-to-be Queen are having a wedding. They naturally invite their brother kingdom, Yorken. So Ted suits up and heads over to the ball. His father bids Barney to go as his tutor, in the hopes that perhaps he can find someone there.

They are escorted through the forest by five convoys and eighteen envoys. Ted has never thought of Barney as particularly cowardly—especially since he's made his daring known by accepting the most ludicrous of challenges—but every little movement and shadow in the woods makes him jump. Ted laughs. "You're scared?"

Barney gives the usual scoff. "Hardly." But then there's a sudden screech in the air, probably from some eagle seizing its prey, and Barney gives a strangled choke of his own and jumps a little.

They arrive at Newen without much hassle, and it's just as the sun dips below the horizon that they are formally admitted into the banquet hall for the wedding. Ted looks around the room for Marshall and Lily, but they aren't there. (Barney reminds him that they aren't supposed to see each other till the ceremony.) He fingers the gifts in his arms; Ted doesn't want to just toss them into the pile. After all, he's not just a guest. He's a childhood friend. Plus, he's royal.

Barney tails vaguely behind Ted as he wanders round the corridors, searching for the groom. "Marriage!" Barney mutters with disgust. "What sad, sad man came up with such a depressing concept?" He continues in this vein till Ted finally finds Marshall in a sort of waiting room for the groom.

Ted sometimes wonders why Barney's so cynical about love.

Marshall sees him and jumps about excitedly. They have the typical reunion of old friends; Marshall's dad has just died, so he's been busy running the kingdom. And after the initial shock of his sudden departure, Marshall decided to make the most of his own life and wed Lily. Barney stands by the side, feeling a little odd as he watches them catch up on old times. Normally, he would hit the bar and the chicks, but the old king made him promise to stick around with Ted. (Of course, this could've just been to make sure Barney didn't tarnish relations between Newen and Yorken, but…)

Then a full ten minutes of reminiscence, Ted suddenly remembers Barney. "Oh, Marshall, this is Barney. He's my tutor."

"Tutor?" Marshall looks slightly incredulous as he shakes Barney's hand. "What for?"

"Er." Ted wonders how he should put this. Love guru? Relationship adviser? Neither quite seems to fit, since Barney isn't exactly someone you ask about love or long-term relationships. "My dad hired him."

"So what did the king hired you for, exactly?" Marshall asks him.

Barney just shakes his head with a little laugh. "Heh. Please."

Then Marshall talks to Ted a little more, and urges them to go out and dance. The masquerade is starting.

"Masquerade? Oh man, I didn't know…" Ted bemoans his lack of a mask, but Marshall lends him an intricate one with black and gold patterns. Barney isn't so lucky though; Marshall has no others, so Barney just shrugs and heads out mask-less.

The room is filled with light and music. But most of all, its filled with colour. Men donning a bright array of flamboyant costumes for the ball, women in their interesting fashions, and everyone, save Barney, with an intriguing mask hiding their features from the world. He feels a little odd, as though he's standing in a room full of faceless mannequins, dancing like clockwork, but the usual confidence soon buoys his spirits. Ted gapes at the array of colours, and Barney wonders if he's never been to a costumed party before. Barney has, and it's particularly fun, especially since Jacques-the-huntsman can turn into Jack-the-pirate and avoid certain murderous dames.

"Well, Ted, have fun. This dance is perfect for you—every three circles, you'll switch partners. But if you like the chick you're with, I suggest you two slip into the left wing. Just make sure she's hot!" Barney advises.

Ted grins and makes sure his mask is firmly in place (it has so much gold leaf on it Ted is afraid it'll slip off at any moment). "Thanks, Barney," he replies sincerely. This feels good. It feels like it's going to be a good night.

It feels like it's going to be the right night.

It feels like it's going to be the night.

The blonde returns a grin of his own, and lounges by the pillar. He isn't allowed to dance without a mask, so all he can do is watch the people go on without him.

It's what he's always done, isn't it?

There's a visitor.

There's always someone new, at the eleventh hour.

That's when everything begins.

The music begins, a light waltz that makes Barney tap his feet. It's a familiar piece, one he recalls playing on his violin. Playing his violin—it's one of the many secrets Barney keeps. His background and childhood are mysteries to Ted, who had briefly touched upon the subject. But when Barney was less than forthcoming, he hadn't brought it up again.

Barney casts his eye round the room as Ted moves into the heart of the crowd and out of sight. The bar is closed, because of the absurd notion that everyone's too busy dancing to drink, and the bartender decided to join in with the fun. Maybe he should go back to Marshall and enjoy the awkward silence of two people who've been introduced by a mutual friend. But Barney doesn't move, instead leaning his head back against the wall, until—

From the corner of his eye, he spots the door open and close, and a tall figure rush into the room. Of course. There are always latecomers. Interested, Barney snaps his head in the mystery person's direction, only to realize that it isn't a chick. No, it's a young man with cropped brown-hair and delicate features, clad in a white, classy suit. He hasn't brought a mask either, and is reduced to watching the dance, just like Barney.

There's something off about the man. Barney squints to try pinpoint the inconsistency, but he can't quite get it. He must be too far away, he decides, and moves toward the stranger. As he does so, the mystery man starts to look more and more familiar—but why?

I've seen him before, and recently too. The Barnacle does not forget. The problem is that Barney sees many people each day: diplomats, clients, guards, stable boys, everyone. "Hey," he greets the latecomer.

The young man turns to return the greeting, when suddenly it hits him—Barney knows this not-a-stranger. Interesting… A smirk spreads across his face. "A-ah!" The stranger lets out a strangled shriek.

"Why, I never expected to meet you here. And wearing that snazzy suit too." Barney's grin grows very wide.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even know who you are—so (please) just shut up." It's spoken in an urgent half-whisper, despite the fact that the other guests are already preoccupied with the music. Stormy eyes hidden under a fringe of brown gleam desperately at Barney.

He tilts his head. "Tell me."

The stranger blinks furiously in indecision. "It's a matter of national security."

"If you don't, either I'll spill or I'll figure it out anyway." He extends his arms dramatically. "I'm Barney Stinson. I've got ways."

"If you do, it'll be bad for you too, never mind the entire kingdom."

Barney lets out a derisive laugh. "Danca isn't a kingdom," he says, which is met with a glare. "…But do tell."

They look at each other. "I don't have a choice, do I? I was careless, and this is what I get for that. But you can't tell this to anyone."

Barney nods.

"Okay. Good. Great. Fine. Alright. …I'll tell."

But then there's another moment of hesitance and Barney grows a little impatient at the suspense.

Then there's the damsel in distress, rescued by the knight in the charger.

Only this time, she's the knight.

"C'mon," he whines, then a dangerous glint enters his eyes. "Out with it… Scherbatsky."