stopping at a drive thru order box

Voice: Welcome to Muse in the Box; may I take your order?

Me: Yeah, I'll like one inspiration for a story for Reno and Yuffie, with a side of sex and a beach. And...um, let's see. No onions. Cheese fries and a diet vanilla Coke.

Voice: That's one Reno and Yuffie story with sex and a beach, 86 the onions, cheese fries and a Diet Coke with vanilla. Is that all for you today?

Reno: I want a Kinky Meal! They have free sex toys in them!

Me (sighing): And one Kinky Meal for a manchild.

Voice: That'll be 1,500 braincells. Please pull around to the first window. Thank you!

Later that day...

Me: Hey Reno...I meant to ask you...what was your free sex toy in your Kinky Meal?

Reno (grinning): This...a vibrating cock ring.

Me: SWEET! How does it work?

Reno: Great! Yuffie really liked it and me...well...heh heh.

Me: Details are not necessary. I already have an image in my head. So, what other toys come in the Kinky Meals?

Reno: Let's see, they have a French Tickler...

Me: Nice.

Reno: A 10 inch, 5 speed vibrator...

Me: Yeah...sweet.

Reno: A butt plug for the yaoi enthusiasts...

Me: Um...gross...but sweet...

Reno: And of course, a Diving Dolphin.

Me: Wow! And I can collect all five?!

Reno: Sure! Hey, let's visit Muse in the Box today!

Me: Okay!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Okay...hi. I'm AmazonTurk. You probably remember me from such writings as Sephiroth's Network, Bad Puns, Of Voodoo Dolls and Fortune Cookies, and my continuing work What Happens in Costa del Sol.

So, a little bit about myself...I'm weird. Yup. Pure and simply weird. My Muses consist of really cute fairy people who fraternize with the likes of Reno, Rude, Rufus, Vincent and sometimes Sephiroth. Reno has a tendency to get them drunk...

Reno: Hey! I do not force the tequilla down their throats! I simply offer and they drink it like freakin' water deprived hippos!

Me: And then you try to take advantage of them...

Reno: I can't help it if I'm dead sexy and they can't keep their sweet little inspired paws off of my sexy body.

Me: Okay, why did you just adopt the accent of Fat Bastard right there?

Reno: Dunno.

Me: Oy. Anyway...yeah, see? I'm weird. But I've come to find out that this place is a sanctuary for the weird such as myself. I have met many disturbed (and by disturbed, I mean gifted) individuals on here, just like myself and it makes me smile that...I'm not alone. Not anymore.

Reno: RIP OFF!! You just stole Cloud's line at the end of AC!!

Me: RENO!! BLOW ME!!

Reno: cough Plagerism cough

Me: Anyway...I have an almost two year old daughter who is completely obsessed with AC and will scream until she get's to "watch Tifa again!" Which I think is cute. Oh, and her favorite thing to say (that she repeated from me) is "Vincent's sexy!"

Reno: BWAH HA HA HA! Vincent has a two year old lusting after him! BWAH HA HA!!

Me: She doesn't lust! She's only two! Besides, she's just repeating after me!

Reno: BWAH HA HA!! Vincent has a twenty-eight year old lusting after him! BWAH HA HA!

Vincent: And that's a problem...how?

Me: HA! (sticking tongue out at Reno) Bite me, Turk boy! Thanks Vincent.

Vincent: A pleasure.

Me: Anyway, I hope you guys like my work. If I get out of line...sorry. Just doing what the Muses (drunk they may be) tell me to do. Yeah, so review my stuff because my ego is hungry and needs to be fed. SEE YA!

July 18, 2007

Voice: Welcome to Muse in the Box; may I take your order?

Me (screaming): Reno, if you do not shut the fuck up, I'm going to turn this car around and drive your ass back to work!

Reno: You're a mean Mommy!

Me: I'm not your Mommy, dammit! If I was, I would so put you up for adoption!

Voice: Uh...may I take your order?

Me: Oh...heh heh...hi. Yeah...let's see...ummm...I need a really steamy lemon for Tseng and Elena with extra sensuality and sexual magnetism...

Reno: If it's for Tseng you better get something to pry that stick outta his ass.

Me: SHUT UP! Okay, uh, some chili cheese fries and a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper.

Reno: I want a KINKY MEAL!

Me: And one fucking Kinky Meal, dammit!

Voice: Okay...I have a really steam lemon for Tseng and Elena with extra sensuality and sexual magnetism, an order of chili cheese fries, a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, and one Kinky Meal. Is that Kinky Meal for a boy or a girl?

Me: Either...he has no preference.

Reno: HEY!

Voice: Okay! That'll be 2200 brain cells! Please pull around to the first window.

Me (driving to the window): Reno, so help me, the next time I get you food, it will be poisoned.

Reno: You're just pissed off that the hot guy at the car wash thought my ass was better than yours.

Me: SHUT UP!

Voice (now a person): Here you are! Have a great day!

Me (throwing Reno's Kinky Meal at him): What'd you get as your sex toy?

Reno (rumaging in box): Wicked sweet! Bondage gear!!

Me: Hmmm...they must have switched themes. Cool. (taking a drink) DAMMIT! This is not Diet!! Can this day get any worse?

Reno: I gotta go potty!

Me: DAMMIT!!

November 1, 2007

Oh...my...GOD!! McDonald's stole my idea for sex toys in the Happy Meals! I went and got my daughter a four-piece chicken McNugget Happy Meal yesterday and they now have the new Bee Movie toys. Guess what was her toy?! A grasshopper looking thing with a LONG NOSE and you turn this dial on him and he VIBRATES!! They put a vibrator in my daughter's Happy Meal! They are giving away (cheap) sex toys! I am laughing my ass off over here!!

Reno (pouting): I want one!

Me: You have all of the ones from Muse in the Box! They don't have McDonald's wear you are.

Reno: They don't?

Me: No, it's like McShinRa's or Rufus King or Mako Burger or something like that.

Reno: Damn. You get all the good restaurants.

Me: But you get materia and summons and really cool weapons and sexy villains and you get PAID to kill people. I answer phones.

Reno: Sucks to be you. Want to move in with me?

Me: ...okay! (moves to Edge)

February 11, 2008

ATTENTION FAN ARTISTS!!

I have a dire need for someone with exceptional artistic talent to do some fan art for my fics! PLEASE! I would love to pay you, but alas, I'm a starving fanfiction writer. Well, not starving...I do have a day job. I just moonlight in Squeenix Land. Anyway, I propose an exchange...if someone would be willing to create some art for me, I will reward you with one-shots of your chosing. A fic for a pic! And when I make it big in fiction/movies/RPGs (the last one could come true...I have a friend...), I will remember you! Any type of fic, I'll write it for an exceptionally good pic. I'm not talking stick figures or stuff my pre-pubescent cousins can create. I'm talking ART! I have physical descriptions for my OC's, but I want paper and ink representation. As for the fics, I'll even do yaoi/yuri/pro-Aeris(th). I've never written any of those, but I'm willing to do it for the pics. If you're interested in the 'AmazonTurk Fic for a Pic!' offer, please PM me! Thanks, Sentients! Peace out!

AT's Log; FanFic Date, February 26, 2008:

Ugh. My Muses have decided to abandon me. I hardly have any inspiration to write this profile update. Hmmm...what always gets my Muse Mojo going? Ah ha! Conversations With The Red-Head!

Reno: Sup?

AT: Sup?

Reno: How's it goin'?

AT: It's not.

Reno: Oh? Sup?

AT: No inspiration.

Reno: (flashes AT) Better?

AT: (blinks) What am I looking at?

Reno: Oh no you didn't!

Rude: I believe she did.

AT: (glomps Rude) Sup, Sexy?

Rude: Not Reno, obviously.

AT: (snickers at Reno in the cold)

Reno: You really are not nice.

AT: I know this.

Okay, conversation with red-head ended up being insulting of red-head. Guess what I have in my cubicle at work? Yes, I work in a cubicle. I was promoted from receptionist to Sale's Assistant, so I get my own cube in the Sales Department Collective. Anyway, as you can tell, I'm...odd. Eccentric, even. Okay, I'm just weird. So, in my cubicle, I have a plethora of oddities. 1) A five headed dragon incense burner. I named the heads; Sephiroth, Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz and Cloud, or Sephy and The Puppets; 2) A styrofoam skull with a cigarette in it's mouth. It's an anti-smoking message. You know, you smoke, you gonna DIE. 3) Bondage Bear. I am proud of Bondage Bear. Remember in my fic 'Caged Canary' in the outtake reel where Kuja said I was evil and I told him I punched a CareBear? Well, not only did I punch said CareBear, I put black electrical tape over its eyes, over it's tummy and tied its hands and feet together. And these are the items that reside in my cubicle. Oh, and on my background, I have the ShinRa Electric Power Company logo displayed proudly. My bosses think I'm a member of a cult or a coven or something. (snickers) What they don't know can work to my advantage. And my screensaver says 'This Screen Saver Has Been Sponsored by the Society to Promote the Consumption of Bovine Discharge. Got Milk?'

I know. I'm so cool.

AT's Log, FanFic Date, March 29, 2008:

TMI time. One week out of the month, I HATE being a girl. And this is that week. So, to appease the PMS gods, I offer this sacrifice of homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. (places offering of cookies on PS2 Alter) Oh, divine PMS gods, if thou wishest for me to devour this plate of super yummy and delicious homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, give me absolutely no sign at all. (no sign is given) Thy will be done.

Reno: Hey! I want some cookies.

AT: Back off, Bitch! THEY'RE MINE!!

Reno (taking out EMR): Oh, Bitch...it's on like Donkey Kong!!

AT: What the FUCK!!

(we assume fighting stance and THE BATTLE FOR THE COOKIES BEGINS!!)

AT: Fire 3!!

Reno: REFLECT!!

AT: AAAAHHHH!! Oh HELL no!! I summon...IFRIT!!

Reno: SHIT!! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!! Cure 2!!

AT: I summon...Bahamut!!

Reno: Regeneration!!

AT: I summon...Shiva!!

Reno: Damn!! How much MP do you have?!

AT: 9,999,999,999 and I stole something from FF-X where all my magic and summons are only 1 MP.

Reno: SHIT!!

Rude: MORTAL KOMBAT!!

Reno/AT: What the FUCK?!

Rude (shrugging): I felt left out, so...MORTAL KOMBAT!!

Me: Bio 3!!

Reno: I'm poisoned!! Ow...okay, I summon...ow! I summon...ow! I summon...ow! I summon...

AT: Get on with it!!

Reno: Ow!! I summon, Ixion!!

AT: That's from FF-X, you idiot!

Reno (grinning): You can steal, so can I!! THUNDAGA!!

AT (absorbing the attack): Lightening absorb...ha ha!!

Reno: SON OF A BITCH!! OW!!

AT: I'm just gonna attack your ass!! Actually...pilfer gil!!

Reno: You are so cheating...LANCET!!

AT (laughing): You just learned Menstrual Cycle!!

Reno: FUCK!! I'm bleeding vaginally! OW!

Rude: MORTAL KOMBAT!!

Reno: OW!!

AT: Kay, I'm gonna switch weapons now...PIKACHU! I choose you!!

Reno/Rude: What the FUCK!!

AT (shrugging and crying): I'm hormonal, okay?

Reno: Whatever...ow!!

AT: Pikachu...quick attack!!

Pikachu: PI--KA--CCHUUUU!!

Reno: Waterga!!

Pikachu: (dies)

AT (dropping to knees): NNNNOOOOO!!

Reno: Regeneration...ow...and esuna...hehe...doublecast.

AT: Riiight. Gyshal greens!

Reno: I'm not a freakin' chocobo!!

AT: Oh...right.

Reno: Oy! EMR to the ass!

AT: OW!! I summon...Seymour Guado!!

Reno: He's not a summon! He's a dead maester!!

AT: HORMONAL!!

Seymour: Death awaits you.

Rude: FINISH HIM!!

Reno (dies)

AT (jumping up and down): I win! The cookies are mine!!

Rude: MORTAL KOMBAT!

Seymour: Death awaits you.

Rude (dies)

AT: Cookies! Cookies, the cookies are mine!!

Seymour: Death awaits you.

AT (dies)

Seymour (eating cookies): Ummm...not bad.

(walks away)

AT's Log, FanFic Date, June 28, 2008:

So, I'm laughing my ass off over here because of my poll. Two people think my OC Kandi sucks! I think it's cool, because it means she's like a real character. She's got some fans, she's got some haters. Righteous! Everyone's entitled to their opinion, so if you think she sucks, cool.

Kandi: What?! Who thinks I suck?!

AT: It's an anonymous poll, Kandi. I don't know.

Kandi: We'll just see about that (proceeds to hack into fan fiction site)

AT: (sighs) Anyway, if you haven't voted, please do. If you have...thanks! There is a method to my madness here, so rest assured, those who care, you'll learn the reason for it soon enough. In the meantime, scroll down and check out some of the fics my loved/hated OC is featured in. Also, I am collaborating a fic with dantesdarkqueen and teh maniac entitled What Might Have Been. It explores the events after Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity IF Sephiroth, Zack and Cloud had never gone to Nibelheim. Check it out! It's a pretty damn cool fic! Laterz!

AT's Log, FanFic Date, July 26, 2008:

So, I had my ten-year high school reunion two weeks ago. It was kinda lame, but it was still good to see everyone again. Anyway, I got voted 'Most Changed'! How hilarious is that?! Funny what cutting your hair and poking a couple holes in your head will do, huh? Yeah, but I have changed a lot in ten years. (That's depressing.)

Reno: You're old!

AT: (sighing) I know. (pitches face forward onto the desk)

Also, I got promoted at work, which is why I haven't been updating as much. So sorry for that. Yeah, I'm training to be an Account Manager. Nice, huh? Real grown up sounding job. The facts all point to it...I am now...an adult. (cries)

Reno: You're old!

AT: You're pixels!

Reno: (gasping) I...I am?

AT: Yep. You can be deleted with a virus or simple key sequence, Buddy Boy.

Reno: That's depressing.

AT: Shall we be depressed together?

Reno: (curls into fetal position) Yeah.

AT: (curls up beside Reno and sings 'Time of Your Life' by Green Day) Class song.

Reno: You ARE old.

AT: (begins to press 'Delete' button)

Reno: I'll be good.

AT's Log, FanFic Date, October 4, 2008:

(author stalks through her list of fics, trying to find a particular OC of hers. Finally spots head of red-streaked brown hair.)

AT: YOU!

Kandi: (turns around and glares at her creator) You wanna take me to the gay bar?

AT: I...what?

Kandi: That's how the song starts. 'You! I wanna take you to the gay bar! I wanna take you to the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!'

Reno: (pops head in) Can I come, too?

AT: No! No bars. She can't go to bars because she's pregnant...

Kandi: True that.

AT: ...and so am I!

Reno: What?!

Kandi: (paling) It's not mine!

AT: Don't be ridiculous. I know who the father is. Same guy I've been with for six years.

Kandi: Ha! I've been with Rude for nearly ten years.

AT: Funny. You've only existed for about a year.

Kandi: And still...we have back stories to pull from.

AT: I really hate OC's sometimes.

Kandi: I'm your brain child.

AT: I worry about my brain.

Kandi: So...how far along are we?

AT: I'm five weeks along. I'd say you're a little further than that. But...I may correspond our pregnancies to make life easier in my poor hormonal state.

Reno: That is, if she starts writing again.

AT: I'm trying! Pregnancy hormones are worse than meth for Muses.

Kandi: Whatever. I'm hungry. Later bitches.

Reno: (turns to AT) So...is the kid mine?

AT: (snorts) You wish. (walks away)

So, readers...yes, I am pregnant. Woot! My plan work perfectly. I knocked up my OC, and that triggered my own pregnancy. Mwah ha ha! My evil plan worked. Now, if my plan to shift the power of Squeenix charactors to my own hands proves successful, I will then attempt to take over the world! Because I have learned the way to do that. The world is primarily ran by straight men. So, in order to get to them, I need something that will make their minds mush. And what is that secret weapon, you may ask? L3581an pr0nz! Oh hells yeah. The world...will be MINE!

AT's Log, FanFic Date, November 24, 2008:

Bondage Bear has a friend! Her name is Dominatrix Bear (Cheer Bear). She has a black electrical tape corset complete with riding crop! She's hot! Also, I have a secret admirer/stalker at work who keeps leaving me gifts in my cubicle. First gift was a gargoyle figurine. I named him Vincent. Second gift was a set a miniture katanas, three of them. They are displayed on Sephy and the Puppets. Third gift was today; another gargoyle inspired piece. This one is an oil burner. I have no idea who this person is, but...they give me things so...meh. Keep 'em coming, Baby!

Funny thing is...everyone knows I'm married and knocked up. Kinda wierd, ya? Oh wellz! Everyone have a great Thanksgiving! I will be in Tennessee starting Wednesday, so...probably no updates...but you're all used to that, right? _

AT's Log, FanFic Date, June 14, 2009:

OMG...I haz more Spawnz now! o_0 For those of you who didn't know (or care...whatever, meh), I had my baby on May 23rd. A little girl named Kami. She's pretty darn cute, too! So, horrayz for me, my belly is (somewhat) gone!

Oh and yayz also, I updated O:A! W00T en stuff! Ahem...okay, let's be a little more mature. Hello. How are you? I'm fine, thank you.

So, hopefully, I'm back. I still have three weeks left of maternity leave, so if Spawn #1 and Spawn #2 cooperate, I will hopefully be inspired to write some more. I miss my Turks. I miss ordering them around and sending them on silly missions. And I miss Reno's ass. It's a fine ass. Let us bask in Reno's assy glory.

bask, bask Okay, I'm good. No. Wait. bask There we go! bask One more for good bask measure. bask

Okay, yeah...and away we go!

bask

AT's Log, FanFic Date, August 16, 2009:

I'm beginning to hate this site and some of those who inhabit it.

That is all.