A/N: Because I wanted to and I can. So there. And because I thought it would be fun.

Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with FF-VII or Nickelback...except, Nickelback did friend me on MySpace. SWEET!

I judge by what she's wearing
Just how many heads I'm tearing
Off of assholes coming onto her

I hate that skirt. That skirt is too damn short. Doesn't she realize exactly how she looks in that thing? She says she wears it for moving quickly on busy nights. The slits up the sides give her more movement and it's less restricting so she can fill orders faster. Actually, it gives the guys gawking at her a better chance of figuring out what color panties she has on.

Pink...in case your wondering.

Each night seems like it's getting worse

She's beautiful, okay? Drop dead gorgeous, hypnotizing eyes, long silky hair, killer smile; every man's dream...mine included. I'm not a fucking idiot and I'm not blind either, so shut up. Tifa's always been beautiful and I've always thought so. I'm just too much of a freakin' emo to tell her.

So, I sit here in the bar on the busiest nights and just watch out for her. I know she can take care of herself, but she's too oblivious to the fact that those short ass skirts and skin tight shirts are the cause of the raging hardons I see vying for her attention. She's oblivious, but I sure as hell ain't.

And I wish she'd take the night off
So I don't have to fight off
Every asshole coming onto her
It happens every night she works

Okay, this is the third night in a row that prick has been here. Huh uh, Bastard...don't you dare. He's reaching and patting her ass...oh good. He dared.

A satisfying crack as my fist connects with his jaw. A tooth falls out as he spits blood on the floor and glares at me. I cock my head and give him a crooked smile as I grab the back of his shirt and toss him out the door.

No one lays a hand on my girl.

They'll go and ask the DJ
To find out just what would she say
If they all tried coming on to her
Don't they know it's never going to work?

"Cloud!" Tifa exclaims. "Why did you do that?"

"He grabbed your ass," I explain.

She shakes her head. "I can handle it," she says, going behind the bar and pouring four shots. "Besides, that one was harmless."

Right, but the next one might not be and that's why I stay.

They think they'll get inside her
With every drink they buy her
As they all try coming on to her
This time somebody's gettin' hurt

There isn't one guy in here that hasn't been checking her out. But who can blame them? I mean, the woman is stacked. You don't know how many times I've waken up in the middle of the night dying to go into her room and just rip her clothes off. But I don't. Why? Hell...I don't even know the answer to that one. Maybe I'm afraid of ruining what we have. I love her and I don't want to lose her friendship if she doesn't feel the same way.

So, I just stay here and keep the assholes off of her.

Here comes the next contestant

Oh, now this guy thinks he's the shit. Look at that, walking up to her like he's got the biggest dick on the planet and he knows just where it's going tonight. Right...in your wet dreams, Fucker.

"Whatcha got for me, Darling?"

She smiles back politely. "Whatever you want."

I swear, sometimes the girl is too damn naive. Shit, there goes the back of my tooth. I swear, I need to stop gritting my teeth.

SuaveFucker leans forward and takes the collar of her shirt and pulls her forward, looking down at her breasts as he runs a finger down her cleavage. "Can I get you to go?"

Oh hell no.

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you'd do it again (I'll watch you leave here limping)
And I wish you'd do it all again (I'll watch you leave here limping)

Tifa doesn't even have time to respond or slap him. I've got a fistful of hair and a handful of throat. "Sorry, we don't have take out," I growl in his face right before I head butt him. I toss his limp form out the door and turn back to the bar.

There goes the next contestant

Tifa's got her hands on those curvy hips and is shaking her head. But she's smiling. And that's the smile I live for.

"Sorry."

She sets a shot glass down and pours me a drink. "Thanks," is all she says as she goes to fill more drinks.

That was...different.

And I even feel the ladies
They're cool but twice as crazy
Just as bad for coming onto her
Don't they know it's never going to work

Okay, the girls checking her out in the corner...not bothering me as bad. In fact, that, combined with the whiskey she just gave me, is having a nice little affect on me.

Good thing I wore loose pants, huh?

Uh oh.

And each time she bats an eyelash
Somebody's grabbing her ass
Everyone keeps coming onto her
This time somebody's gettin' hurt

This guy's a little...big. And she's flirting with him. No big deal...she always flirts. Part of the job. Problem is, he, like everyone else, likes it and thinks its just meant for him. Hand slipping around her waist, pulling her down on his lap.

Not tonight, Pal.

Here comes the next contestant

"What time you close, Baby Doll?" he asks, hand running up that short ass skirt.

"Same time as every night...one o'clock," she answers, trying to get up off his lap. "I gotta go serve more customers, okay?"

"Nope, not okay," he says, tightening his hold on her. "I think you need to stay right here."

For the first time since I've known her, she looks afraid.

I think my eyes just crossed.

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you'd do it again (I'll watch you leave here limping)
And I wish you'd do it all again (I'll watch you leave here limping)

I grab Tifa's arm and pull her out of the big guy's grip. "Hands off, Asshole," I snarl.

He stands up. Shit...bigger than I thought.

"Whose gonna stop me, Spikey?"

Okay, only a few people are allowed to call me Spikey. Barrett, Yuffie and sometimes Cid. This guy...no. I take his knees out first, bringing him to my level. And then, fist to the face...twice. Hey, he's a big guy! Cut me some slack.

Takes me a little longer tossing this one out. He's probably three times my size. Again...cut me some slack.

There goes the next contestant

She's back at the bar and I think she's blushing. And, if it's possible, I think it makes her even prettier.

The bar's starting to empty since it's getting close to closing time. Tifa's starting to clean up the glasses and I'm trying to help her out. She gives me 'A Look' across the bar. I know...I don't have to, but I want to.

I'm hating what she's wearing
Everybody here keeps staring
I can't wait til they get what they deserve
This time somebody's gettin' hurt

"Hey Hottie. What are you doing tonight?"

Here comes the next contestant

Hands come around and grab a handful of ass, bodies pressing together suggestively. The hands continue to grope and fondle, giving unwanted attention. Before I can even react, the dumb blonde is pulled off me with a shriek.

Is that your hand on my boyfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you'd do it again (I'll watch you leave here limping)
And I wish you'd do it again (I'll watch you leave here limping)
And I wish you'd do it again (each night seems like it's getting worse)
And I wish you'd do it again (this time somebody's gettin' hurt)

Tifa let's loose with a barrage of savage hits. Holy shit...pink panties as she let's go of a round house kick and tosses the little bitch into her girlfriends.

"Get the hell outta my bar!" she yells.

There goes the next contestant

They leave and she locks the door behind them, switching the 'Open' sign to 'Closed'. She turns around, blushing.

"What...was that?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.

Tifa walks up to me and smiles, placing her arms around my neck. I swallow...hard. Her smile widens as she stands up on her tiptoes and kisses me.

"Just returning the favor."