To all those who have been following my work, thank you for your support and I apologize for what seems to be my abandonment. The truth of the matter is that my lower back and hips have somehow become displaced, causing an inflammed sciatic nerve and making sitting for prolonged periods of time a painful nightmare. A friend of mine is currently dictating this for me. I will be placing my stories on hiatus until my physical therapist and chiropractor have helped enough to where its okay to sit for prolonged stretches. Between now and then, I'll be using the old pen and paper. I also wanted to share with you some of my favorite quotes that I have kept written on a word file, as a way of an apology. Once again, thank you and I'm sorry.

Favorite Quotes

“People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that distinguish me from a doormat or a prostitute.” – Rebecca West, Bristish writer (1892 – 1983)

Dr. Ian Malcom: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.

Dr. Ellie Sattler: Dinosaurs eat man… woman inherits the earth.

- Jurassic Park

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller, American Comedian (b. 1917)

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.” – Erma Bombeck, American Humorist, Essayist (1927 – 1996)

Reid: Harry Potter can kiss my aaaaaahh.

- The Covenant

“A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold.” – Marlo Thomas, American Actor (b. 1938)

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

- M*A*S*H (Episode: Officer of the Day)

“When a man gives his opinion he’s a man, when a woman gives her opinion she’s a bitch.” – Bette Davis, American Actor (1908 – 1989)

“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.” – Rita Mae Brown, American writer (b. 1944)

“The world is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel.” – Horace Walpole, British politician and writer (1717 – 1797)

Hawkeye: If we don’t go crazy once in a while, we’ll all go crazy.

- M.A.S.H. (Episode: Bulletin Board)

John McClain: Yippee Ki Yay, you m* f*.

- Die Hard

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” – Pride and Prejudice

Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf!

- Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Col. Potter: Never insult seven men when all you have is a six shooter.

- M*A*S*H (Episode unknown, still searching)

Dr. (Doc) Emmet Brown: Great Scott!

- Back to the Future

“It’s not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time and few accomplish it after the age of six.” – D. Sutten

“My mom says that the only reason men are alive are for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” – Tim Allen, American Comedian (b. 1953) His mom raised him right!

The Joker: I believe whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you… stranger.

- The Dark Knight

John Hammond: I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it. You’re meant to come down and defend me against these characters and the only one I’ve got on my side is the blood sucking lawyer!

- Jurassic Park

Hawkeye: What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind...actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.

- M*A*S*H (Episode: Dear Ma)

Sidney Freedman: Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.

- M*A*S*H (Episode: Dear Sigmund)

Sgt. Epps: I hope these F-16's got good aim.

Maj. Lennox: Why's that?

Sgt. Epps: Because I told them to hit the orange smoke.

Maj. Lennox: You mean that orange smoke? [Points to orange smoke right next to them]

Sgt. Epps: It wasn't my best toss.

- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Westley: A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp.

Buttercup: We'll never survive!

Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

- The Princess Bride

Westley: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?

- The Princess Bride

Col. Potter: I’ve got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and dresses a lot like my wife.

- M*A*S*H (Episode: The Price of Tomato Juice)

Col. Henry Blake: Klinger, it’s my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you’re pregnant.

- M*A*S*H (Episode unknown, still searching)

Billy: Have you lost your mind?

Cyrus: According to my last psyche evaluation, yes.

- Con Air

Hawkeye: I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.

- M*A*S*H (Episode unknown, still searching)

[Poe is looking out of the back of the plane at the DEA agent's car tethered to it, flapping about.] Cameron Poe: On any other day, that might seem strange.

- Con Air

Garland Greene: Define irony - a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.

- Con Air

Detective Spooner: Somehow, ‘I told you so’ just doesn’t quite say it.

- I, Robot

Col. Flagg: Don't play dumb with me, you're not as good at it as I am.

- M*A*S*H (Episode: Rally Around the Flagg, Boys)

Inigo Montoya: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

- The Princess Bride

Rockhound: Why do I do this? Because the money’s good, the scenery changes, and they let me use explosives, okay?

- Armageddon

Rockhound: I hate it when I know everything!

- Armageddon

Lev Andropov: American components, Russian components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!

- Armageddon

Col. Potter: It's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself.

- M*A*S*H (Episode unknown, still searching)

Helga the Nurse: Mr. Chappell, you're next.
Charles ‘Chick’ Chappell: Aw, gee, lady. I just came here to drill.
Helga the Nurse: Oh! [Holds up anal probe] So did I.

- Armageddon

[Wednesday is hooking up an electric chair]
Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So we can play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"

- The Addams Family

Col. Potter: Listen, when you love somebody, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it: either stop loving 'em, or love 'em a whole lot more.

- M*A*S*H (Episode unknown, still searching)

Dr. Pinderschloss: Love/hate, hate/love. Like for mama, no?
Gomez: But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident!

- The Addams Family

Wednesday: We don't hug.
Becky: Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley: We're not shy.
Wednesday: We're contagious.

- Addams Family Values

Heather: [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them?
[lights a match]
Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] Alright children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.

- Addams Family Values

Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.

- M*A*S*H (Episode unknown, still searching)

Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.

- Addams Family Values

Morticia: [confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie...
Debbie Jellinsky: What?
Morticia: ...pastels?

- Addams Family Values

[Grandma waves a skull at Debbie]
Grandma: Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie Jellinsky: What is she doing?
Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.
[air kiss]

- Addams Family Values

“Normal is in the eye of the beholder.” – Whoopi Goldberg, American Actor, Comedian (b. 1949) Or as I like to say, “Sanity is the perception of reality. This is Wonderland, and I’m the Mad Hatter.”

Bob: He's smiling.
Jim: Is that bad?
Frank: Very.

- American Outlaws

[to Zee]
Jesse James: You got big. I mean, you aged. What I mean is in a good way you got big and older.

- American Outlaws

Frank: That Zerelda turned into a hell of a woman, eh?
Jesse James: Oh yeah.
Frank: "Big and older"?
Jesse James: You can shut up now, Frank.
Frank: You are a charmer.
Jesse James: I swear to god I will shoot you in your sleep.
Frank: Next time try "Fat and haggard"!

- American Outlaws

Ma James: The Lord says we can bury 'em out back in the orchard. No one will ever find 'em.
Jesse James: Somebody's in a vengeful mood today.
Frank: Why don't we let 'em go for today, Ma? We'll bury 'em out back next time.
Ma James: [disappointed] Aw, all right.

- American Outlaws

Bob: [seeing Loni holding something] What's that?
Loni Packwood: This is my lucky rabbit's foot. I took it off that dead fellow over there.
Bob: Yeah, I don't think that one's working, Loni.

- American Outlaws

Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?

Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.

Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock-full of them – little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

- M*A*S*H (Episode unknown, still searching)

Rollin H Parker: As you no doubt heard from your neighbors, our railroad is moving west...
Jesse James: Well, that makes sense as, see, east would put you under water.

- American Outlaws

Rollin H Parker: Howdy folks, how are you today.
Cole: Howdy?
Jesse James: Yeah, easterners.

- American Outlaws

Frank: Any ideas little brother?
[Jesse smiles before running off]
Frank: Oh, Lord.
[Jesse grabs a stick of dynamites and runs off]
Cole and Frank: Oh, Lord.

- American Outlaws

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” – Judith Viorst, American Writer (b. 1931)

Aladdin: Who are you?
Genie of the Lamp: Who am I? Who am I? I am the Lamp Genie... THE Lamp Genie. Wishes, dreams, power, premature and violent death... ohhh, scratch the last one.

- Arabian Nights

Aladdin: Are you like the Genie of the Ring?
Genie of the Lamp: Like the Genie of the Ring?... I, who opposed the will of Heaven? NEVER!
Aladdin: So you're not related then?
Genie of the Lamp: No! Ohhh, I don't know... the tests were inconclusive...

- Arabian Nights

Sultan Schariar: If I marry, my wife should be executed!
Ja'Far: Well, I'm sure we've all felt that way from time to time, sahidi.

- Arabian Nights

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin, American Actor (b. 1939)

Huck Finn: [narrating] They were real nice, once they decided not to kill me.

- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Elrond: Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the fellowship of the ring.
Pippin: Great! Where are we going?

- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

“Being powerful is like being lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” – Margaret Thatcher, British Politician (b.1925)

Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak.
Sam: N-nothing important. That is, I heard a good deal about a ring, and a Dark Lord, and something about the end of the world, but... Please, Mr. Gandalf, sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anything... unnatural.

- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Pippin: Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of... mission... quest... thing.
Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip.

- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

“Women, bless your heart, you're always trying to make us feel better - "Oh Honey, it's not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean." Well, that may be true, but it takes a long time getting to England in a row boat! “ – Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian (b. 1958)

Gimli: Not the beard!

- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Gimli: Oh come on, we can take 'em.
Aragorn: It's a long way.
Gimli: Toss me.
Aragorn: What?
Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me.
[pauses, looks up at Aragorn]
Gimli: Don't tell the elf.
Aragorn: Not a word.

- The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Gandalf: [to Pippin] Now, listen carefully. Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. To give him news of his beloved son's death would be most unwise. And do not mention Frodo, or the Ring. And say nothing of Aragorn either. In fact, it's better if you don't speak at all, Peregrin Took.

- The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

“There is no defense, except stupidity, against the impact of a new idea.” – P. W. Bridgman, American Physicist (1882-1961)

Witch King: [taking Eowyn by the throat] You fool. No man can kill me. Die now.
[Merry stabs the Witch King from behind; the Witch King shrieks and falls to his knees. Eowyn rises and pulls off her helm, her hair falls down over her shoulder]
Eowyn: I am no man.
[she thrusts her sword into the Witch King's helm and twists; he shrieks and implodes]

- The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

“Common sense isn’t all that common.” - Me

Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

- The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Irene Adler: Why are you always so suspicious?
Sherlock Holmes: Should I answer chronologically or alphabetically?

- Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes: You have the grand gift of silence, Watson; it makes you quite invaluable as a companion.
[Watson punches him in the face]

- Sherlock Holmes

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” – Author Unknown

Sherlock Holmes: It's a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!

- Sherlock Holmes

Dr. John Watson: [as he's choking Dredger into unconsciousness] Relax. I'm a doctor.

- Sherlock Holmes

“Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.” – P. D. East, American Civil Rights Activist (1921-1971)

Sherlock Holmes: I managed it with braces, belts and a coat hook. Please, Watson, my tongue is going, soon I'll be of no use to you at all.
Dr. John Watson: Worse things have happened.

- Sherlock Holmes

Pintel: Your'e supposed to be dead!
Jack Sparrow: Am I not?

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

“Who speaks ill of others to you will speak ill of you to others.” – German Proverb

Jack Sparrow: If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

“Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.” – Thomas Fuller, British Historian (1608-1661)

Elizabeth: You like pain?
[hits pirate in the head with a pole]
Elizabeth: Try wearing a corset.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

“If three people call you an ass, put on a bridle.” – Spanish Proverb

Barbossa: Why thank ye, Jack.
Jack Sparrow: You're welcome.
Barbossa: Oh, not you. We named the monkey Jack.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Jack Sparrow: Do us a favor... I know it's difficult for you... but please, stay here, and try not to do anything... stupid.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

“There is no medicine for a fool.” – Japanese Proverb

Jack Sparrow: Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Jack Sparrow: ...and then they made me their chief.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Barbossa: It's not possible!
Jack Sparrow: Not *probable*.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Norrington: You actually were telling the truth.
Jack Sparrow: I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Barbossa: Dying is the day worth living for.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Barbossa: There's not been a gatherin' like this in our lifetime.
Jack Sparrow: And I owe them all money...

- Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Jack Sparrow: Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by.

- Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Young Masbath: Is he dead?
Ichabod Crane: That's the problem. He was dead to begin with.

- Sleepy Hallow

Billy Bones: Beware lads! Beware.
Jim Hawkins: What, the one-legged man?
Billy Bones: Aye. But also, beware runnin' with scissors or any other pointy object. It's all good fun, until somebody loses a - Ahhhh!

- The Muppet’s Treasure Island

Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

- The Muppet’s Treasure Island

Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

- The Muppet’s Treasure Island

Van Helsing: You're a genius!
Carl: A genius with access to unstable chemicals!

- Van Helsing

Van Helsing: Carl, I need you to do something
Carl: I'm not gonna like this am I?

- Van Helsing

Noxeema Jackson: [to Chi-Chi] Step four: Larger than life is just the right size.

- To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar

Vida Boheme: What in gay hell?

- To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar

[after Billy Ray comes to ask a girl out]
Vida Boheme: I declare.
Bobby Lee: I declare.
Carol Ann: *I* declare.
Noxeema Jackson: I decline.

- To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar

Tommy: Baby, you are a whole lot of woman... and I know what you need.
Noxeema Jackson: I hardly think you're the man to give it to me.

- To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez: [to Vida and Noxeema] Mamies! Don't quote me but I think this one is deceased-ed.

- To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar

Vida Boheme: So, I gather you like hitting ladies.
Virgil: Some ladies need to get hit.
Vida Boheme: Well then, it stands to reason that some men need to get hit back.
[slaps him]

- To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar

Dr. Ian Malcolm: Why don't people listen to me? I use plain and simple English, I don't have any accent that I'm aware of...

- Jurassic Park: The Lost World

Truax: Who the Hell are you?
The Crow: Hell. The black void. Funny you should mention it. I've booked you a spot there.

- Crow: Stairway to Heaven

Crook: Go to Hell.
The Crow: Been there. Done that.

- Crow: Stairway to Heaven

Kessler: What the hell are you?
The Crow: Death without parole.

- Crow: Stairway to Heaven

The Crow: At the tone, it will be time to confess your sins. BEEP!!!

- Crow: Stairway to Heaven