Yet another revision. To bring everything up to date.

Male. Should be old enough to know better.

Doesn't.

Educated (arguably) in a school that combines aspects of Terry Pratchett's Hugglestones Academy crossed with the Assassins' Guild school. Served, in a way that combined aspects of Lieutenant Blouse and Nobby Nobbs, in the British Army (dewch ymlaen, bechgyn...).

Further educated at UCW Wrecsam, aka Owain Glyndwr University, aka North-East Wales Institute of Arts and Technology. Then on to the University of the Esoteric Arcana, Norwich, England. a tribute to what an architect can do with seven million knock-off breezeblocks.

Currently resident in Stockport, a nondescript town overlapping the south of Manchester. Stockport has a twinning arrangement with a sunny hotspot in the South of France, so it's easy to see what our councillors get out of the deal viz-a-viz freebies and "fact-finding missions". It is less easy to see what Beziers gets out of being twinned with Stockport, which, if anything, should be excluded from any sort of twinning. However, the town is more temperamentally suited to opening a joint suicide pact with somewhere in Sweden.

Used to be too intelligent by half, but by virtue of persistent and diligent alcohol ingestation, is now only too clever by about a quarter.

The author has - two years ago now - endured inpatient time in a typical British hospital, (Stepping Hill, Stockport) albeit one which has been at the centre of several major investigations concerning the possibility that patients were being murdered by staff. He now believes no actual murders ever happened and the deaths were the result of good old fashioned British management practices combined with administrative screw-ups. He got out alive, anyway, and may incorporate his experiences into future stories.

About the current avatar: some explanation. I created a character called Johanna Smith-Rhodes, an expansion of a one-line cameo in Pratchett's Discworld. A single reference to a Miss Smith-Rhodes who is a teacher at the Assassins' Guild School. That's all. But it kicked off a lot of fic. The "Southern African" associations of a name like that were blindingly obvious to anyone who knows a little bit about the legacy of British Imperialism in Africa, especially in the context of a country now known as Zimbabwe. And the country next door, with which it was linked like a particularly badly-brought up Siamese Twin. I mean. Imperial adventurer Sir Cecil Rhodes, who conquered a country, founded a colony, and had the superb modesty to name it after himself. Rhodesia. Scroll foward a century or so: its last white leader, a man whi tried to hold back time and maintain white rule, was a Mr Smith. Smith-Rhodes. I suspected Terry Pratchett was making a point with this name and holding open a bookmark to do something with it - in a conservative place like the Assassins' Guild School there would always be a place for a "Southern African" adventuress who would presumably have old-time White South African opinions and outlooks. and indeed, that was Johanna when she first arrived. She has mellowed out a lot since.

After a while I discovered a picture of a red-haired and freckled young woman with an uncompromising look to her. And I thought. This is Johanna. Exactly as I see her. I put this picture on her Guild membership card: I use this as cover picture to a couple of Johanna tales. After a while a younger sister drifted into the tales. Mariella grew in the telling too. And guess what... a red-haired Brazilian model called Cinthia Dicker was discovered. Young, unscrubbed and un-made-up pictures of Cinthia were Mariella. Exactly Mariella. Perfectly Mariella. And now Johanna has a daughter. Well, three daughters. Bekki is a Witch who got a lot of Assassin training on the fly. Famke is her mother's daughter with occassional hints of her father. Ruth, in look, manner and inclinations, is definitely Daddy's little girl - the daughter of Ponder Stibbons. But as a school bully finds out - her mother is in there too.

But I came across this photo while noodling on the Net. I can't do anything much about the text that reads REDHEADS: EVERY MAN'S KRYPTONITE. But the girl has the right combination of youth, red hair, freckles and a look of vulnerable good-natured perplexity as if she's still diligently figuring everything out. She's Rebecka Smith-Rhodes-Stibbons. I had the same shock of recognition. I've met my Bekki. cute, isn't she? Say hello to her.

Also looking for useful header photos for my other tales. I'll add them as I find good ones.

Picked up a fantastic one, from a YouTube video showing Russian Cossack women dancing with swords, of a Cossack in full costume coming to rest after an energetic bout of sword-dancing. In look, attitude and demeanour - particularly facial expression - she is a commanding presence who would no doubt demand attention and respect. the only thing wrong about it is that her hair isn't the auburn-red my character has: but this is my airborne Witch Lady Olga Romanoff, possibly in her thirties and mother of two children. She is now Avatar to my Olga tale, "The Price of Flight". the same video also gives me her wing-mate Irena Politek, exactly as I see her: but I haven't yet done a specifically Irena-centred tale to add this avatar pic. Yet.

His favourite authors:-

Terry Pratchett (Discworld)

Ian Holt (various tales of the fantastically illogical)

George McDonald Frazer (Flashman and McAuslan)

Michael Moorcock (straight sci-fi and fantasy)

Harry Harrison (satirical sci-fi, sci-fi humour such as The Stainless Steel Rat)

Tom Sharpe (the Piemberg farces set in apartheid South Africa; the Wilt series, which are very English comedies and farces of manners)

Derek Robinson (black, very black, comedies of air combat in WW1 and WW2 - the anti-Biggles of Capt W.E. Johns)

Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea -the magnificent Illuminatus! series

Sven Hassell - pulp war fiction.

His favourite cartoons/comics:-

Classic British childrens' comics, ie Beano, Dandy, Sparky: Dennis the Menace and his chums, anything drawn by Leo Baxendale. VIZ, the filthy but funny anti-comic.

Judge Dredd, 2000AD, Slaine

Steve Bell's lunatic, left-wing and subversive If...

Berke Breathed's Bloom County, the other big newspaper cartoon strip starring a penguin;

David Reddick's magnificent fantasy-fiction parody Legend of Bill - Terry Pratchett would approve!

Alison Barrow's sweet PreTeena (hey, I've been a stepfather to teenage girls... I'm not saying it was an unalloyed delight, but it gave me a few privileged insights into the way their minds work. Alison Barrows recaptures it perfectly for me with the Keene family of New England)

And Jennifer M. Babcock's C'est La Vie - America, and especially L.A., seen through the eyes of an existentially minded Frenchwoman and a very louche toy rabbit, possibly played by Serge Gainsborough. Wickedly funny. Go forth. Read it.

These last few available, with the exception of "IF", on GoComics.

Humon's excellent Scandinavia and the World.

His favourite radio and TV:-

classical BBC radio comedy such as The Burkiss Way, H2G2, Son of Cliche

Lunatic TV humour like Python, Rutland Weekend TV, Sledge Hammer, Ripping Yarns, Father Ted; The Big Bang Theory; Everybody Loves Raymond (an exceedingly good dom-com) ; King of Queens (Not as stellar as parent show Raymond, but has superlative moments. Plus the always gorgeous Leah Remini.) (fics coming soon...)

That chronology of my Discworld Assassins Series...

This a beta-test 1.0 version trying to put the Assassin tales into consistent chronological order. Future revisions may be made. especially since one of my assassins, who was only originally intended to be a parody of old-time unreformed Southern African attitudes and a bit dim, took on a life of her own and has basically been standing behind me with a machete at my neck suggesting I allow her character to grow, develop and become more sympathetic. Some of the older stories therefore contain references to a Johanna Smith-Rhodes who her colleagues find hard work - elements of the original conception can still be seen even at stages in the chronology where she might have grown out of old attitudes. I notice in one tale Alice Band refers to her as a "prissy little madam", which is definitely not the Johanna who became. And Emmanuelle has a militant feminist inclination in the earliest tale - which is definitely not her. Some bits need rewriting for consistency.

And - that one-shot South African or Rimwards Howondalandian person grew in the telling. I really want, now the monster tale "Strandpiel" is finished (for now) to go back and revise the details of those earliest stories, when my perception of South African people revolved around a scurrilous song called "I Never Met a Nice South African (and that's not bloody surprising, man!)" and my command of Afrikaans was next to nil - I was seriously winging it then with cod-Dutch mixed with German and thinking "close enough". which of course it wasn't. Besides, I've met real Saffies since - howzit, Seb, howzit, Luci? - and I do actually like the place and the people. And Katinka Ooisthuizen's youTube channel is quite deightful, too.

A lot of early tales demand revision. I want to do this but it will take time.

Chronology of Discworld fics….

Origin story:
A Ripping Yarn A tale of Imperial derring-do set perhaps 120 years before the present. Currently stalled. A glimpse into the lives of the original Smith-Rhodes family (one character here recurs in "Strandpiel" but this story portrays her while she was still alive. it makes sense in context). with ancestors of the main cast involved. desperately needs revision and a bit of a recon.

The Assassins:

The Graduation Class (complete)
Two interlocking stories set about seven years apart. The first half introduces the four principal Lady Assassins, the circumstances in which the Guild recruited them, and their stories.
Spin-Offs; White Rabbit; The Only One

Second-Best Thrill (abandoned)
Ditched because I discovered I cannot do slashfic and write sex without bursting out laughing at the absurdity and cliché-ridden nature of it. I've let it stand as Early Instalment Weirdness. This may show in the off-note characterisation of several OC's who later became different in outlook and purpose.

The Lancre Caper (complete)
Alice Band as a teacher, and revisiting an earlier event in her life in which she fails to perpetrate archaeology in Lancre.

Murder Most 'Orrible (complete)
A murder mystery, somebody who knows the language of flowers, and a new recruit to the Guild of Assassins. Veteran classroom monster and late-entry Assassin Joan Sanderson-Reeves leads the (wo)manhunt.

But Not Forgotten (complete)
In which a brilliant Research Assassin finds a new route to an end product, a weapon not unlike a gonne.

Nature Studies (complete)
Meanwhile, Dibbler's latest inspiration, for a Safari Park, goes horribly wrong. Vetinari calls in the professionals to sort it out. A little more Howondaland comes to Ankh-Morpork and the little bit of Howondaland who is already there (Johanna Smith-Rhodes) gets her Zoo by default.

There's Nothing Like A New Pair of Eyes (ongoing)
Revisiting a casualty of the Urban Safari and what happened to her next. A student called Catherine gets a whole new outlook on life in more ways than are initially expected.

Il Se Passait Au Nuit De Pere Porcher (complete)
A Hogswatch tale with some romance between various pairings. Johanna and Ponder Stibbons consummate their romance. DEATH deals with unfinished business.

Hear Them Chatter On The Tide (complete)
A little problem involving aquatic bivalves, supernatural personifications, freedom of religion and Wow-Wow sauce. With a soundtrack.

Clowning Is Serious Business (ongoing)
Women arrive at the Fools' Guild… over, as it turns out, quite a few dead bodies.

Why and Were (complete)
Wereleopards in Ankh-Morpork.

The events of Slipping Between Worlds (ongoing) happen around here.

The Graduation Class (complete)
Two interlocking stories set about seven years apart. The second interlinked story involves the first student class supervised by the four first official Lady Assassins, seven or eight years on, as their first draft of eleven year old school pupils are now eighteen and about to do their Final Runs. Meanwhile the Lady Assassins get to invigilate the exams for the first time.

Career Guidance (complete)
In which new graduate Jocasta Wiggs considers her options.

The Black Sheep (complete)
Johanna Smith-Rhodes' family ties, and Emmanuelle les Deux-Epées on a contract in the Discworld Holland. Introduces other Smith-Rhodeses: the first appearance of Johanna's sister Mariella, age around ten-eleven.

The events of The Many Worlds Interpretation (ongoing) happen around here. In which Discworld meets Roundworld, two universities meet, and Magic discovers it has a lot in common with Science.

The Prospectus (would be compiled in around this time frame)
Various Assassins, including Mariella Smith-Rhodes in her first year, aged eleven-twelve.

Short stories in the Discworld Tarot: The Ace of Swords, The Two of Cups, The Three of Cups, The Four of Swords

No More Time for These Trousers (complete short)
Bomb disposal the Assassin way.

Bungle In The Jungle (complete)
Events in the Shires lead to a bush war in Howondaland. Ponder proposes to Johanna.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum (complete)
Marriage leads to the necessary next stage for the newlyweds. When Daddy is a Wizard and Mummy an Assassin, the child may be something special.

Short story in the Discworld Tarot: The King of Swords
Johanna explores her family history.

Gap Year Adventures: (complete)

in which an adult Mariella and her best friend go travelling during that tricky year between leaving school and What Comes Next. Howondaland (or Klatch) is explored with glimpses into the Assassins' Guild and the wider Smith-Rhodes family. Especially the devious Uncle Charles.

Strandpiel:- Book One now complete.

A new tale, plotted but subject to finding time to write it. In which the oldest daughter of Ponder Stibbons and Johanna Smith-Rhodes grows up with a foot in two continents and belongs to both. Glimpses of the later lives of Ponder, Johanna, and their talented daughters. Bekki is a Witch and Famke is an Assassin. Or learning to be Witch and Assassin. And they get a youngest sister, Ruth, who takes more after her father and whose life is poised to take a more creative direction. But mainly about Bekki with side-stories about her sisters. And wider family. And other Strandpiels, like the "Russian" ones living outside the Rodinia. Spin-off; The Price of Flight.

Subject to fact-checking and possible future revision and addition but provides a beginning!