hi, i'm abby and i am a twilight fan just like you. (yes i mean you.)

if you can't already tell you will by the time you get to the bottom of page that i looovvveee quotes and funny sayings/jokes. and i will leave it at that.

disclaimer for all of my stories:

I do not own the wonderful characters of twilight. stephanie meyer does.

A poem on aging:

i cannot see

i cannot pee

i cannot chew

i cannot screw

oh my god, what can i do?

my memory shrinks

my hearing stinks

no sense of smell

i look like hell

my mood is bad- can you tell?

my body's drooping

have trouble pooping

the golden years

have come at last

the golden years

can kiss my ass

- cat in the hat

WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE!!

1. sing the batman theme incessantly

2. in the memo fields of all your checks, write "for sensual massage"

3. specify that your drive through order is "to-go"

4. learn morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "beeeep bip bip beeep bip boop..."

5. if you have a glass eye, tap it with a pen when talking to others

6. speak only in a "robot" voice

7. push all the flat lego peices together tightly

8. stomp on little ketchup packets

9. name your dog "dog"

10. reply to everything someone says with "thats what YOU think"

11. follow a few spaces behind someone and spray everything they touch with lysol

12. make beeping noises when a large person backs up

13. erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard and tell the beighbors you are a "spider person"

14. do not add any inflection to the end of a sentence, producing awkward silences with the impression that you will be saying something soon.

15. holler random numbers while someone is counting

16. ask 1-800 operators for the date

17. hide dairy products in inaccessable places

18. wear your pants backward

19. pay for your dinner with pennies

20. as much as possible skip rather than walk

21. drive half a block

22. leave tips in bolivian currency

23. inform others that they exist only in oyur imagination.

24. repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "do you hear that?","what?"."never mind its gone now."

some people are like Slinkies

not good for much but bring a smile to your face

when pushed down the stairs

I'm the kind of girl who can watch a billion horror movies and never get scared.

but screams when the toast pops out of the toaster oven.

(so me!)

Other Names

YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): abbizzle

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal): black unicorn

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): nixon rolling hills

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name): schabxon

YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): orange dr.pepper

YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maidenname, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name): bhxilee

YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name): michelle

YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets): Black emma

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS:Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS:Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS:Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "HONEY, I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

Friendship

None of that sissy crap. Are you tired of those 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of truths to our friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard.

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Oh but that saves so much time!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be...)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds with head colds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(And I'm taking this why?)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what? No doors?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Captain Obvious strikes again)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

If you've ever tripped over a WATCH YOUR STEP sign, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over air, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy paste this in your profile!

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever copy and paste something onto your profile, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever forgotten what you are talking about in a conversation, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever stabbed yourself or someone else with a pencil,copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile!

98 of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like bagels!

If you walk and trip or stumble because your too busy reading a book copy and paste this into your profile!

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile!

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile

If you've ever pulled on a door and complained about it being locked or really heavy, only to have someone point out to you that you're supposed be pushing on the door or vice versa, copy and paste this into your profile!

Admitting you are weird means you are normal! Saying that you are normal is odd! If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy and paste this onto your profile!

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself! It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE then it's weird! If you agree, copy and paste this and put it in your profile!

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile!

92 percent of teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch wasn't cool to breath any more, Put this in your profile if your one of the 8 percent that would be laughing your butt off!

If you think vampires have souls copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you think the Cocoa Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile!

Chocolate chip cookies are the best! If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy and paste this into your profile!

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone! Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good! If you are weird and proud of it copy onto your profile this in your profile!

If u think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in ur profile!

If you are obsessed with fanfiction, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you think iPods were gifts from the gods copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile!

If you think that any cartoon characters that are trying to steal cereal should just go to the freaking grocery store and buy some themselves copy this into your profile!

If your family/friends/people around you stared at you when you did the above mentioned, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you think that dumb girl from the Eggo commercial should just give her father some freakin' waffles already, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile!

Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was 'too small' and 'off its orbit' for a couple scientists' likings! If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile! LONG LIVE PLUTO!

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile!

My best friend is insane, if you think your best friend is insane, put this in your profile!

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If there are times when you just wanna annoy people for the heck of it then copy and paste this into your profile!

Skittles tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you are sad because there will be no more twilight books , copy and paste this into your profile

If you ever fell off a chair backwards copy this into your profile.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

98 percent of the population has a myspace. If you're one of the 2 percent that isn't emo, copy and paste this in your profile.

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

If you have ever ran into a mirror, copy this into your profile.

If you or your best friend is insane copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.

Ninety-eight percent of teenagers have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the two percent who hasn't, copy this and paste it in your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever been poked and made a noise resembling that of a constipated animal, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your pro

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. copy and paste this if you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?"

If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile.

When people don't laugh at my jokes I don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return...

A best friend is the type of person who can see you with the biggest smile on your face... and still know something's wrong

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what are you doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob fest, and start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say some completely random thing, like," Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb-war with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings and tape them on your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework instead of doing it. Crazy is when you giggle upon finding out that Edward has gone to the Volturi, because it was stupid for him to take second hand information. Crazy is when you wish your boyfriend's name was Jasper or Edward. Crazy is when you sit for hours on end talking about Edward with your friends. Crazy is when one of your friends come up to you and says "He is so completely gorgeous!" and you know exactly who their talking about because your brain is no longer set on English, but Twilight. Crazy is when all your friends are scared of you because you are so hyper. Crazy is when you threaten your friends with a free trip to Italy and a vampire mafia if they don't read Twilight. Crazy is when you threaten to bite people if they don't quit whatever it is they are doing. Crazy is when you threaten to end your friendship with a life long friend just because their on Team Jacob. Crazy is when you memorize all the cars in Twilight, and swear when you are older you will own a Ferrari or a Porsche 911 Turbo or a Volvo or a Jeep... Crazy if you are going to name your kids after the twilight characters. If you are crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list.

Letters To Santa...

Dear Santa,

Tie up Edward Cullen,

put him under my tree,

and Rudolph doesn't get hurt.

xoxox - abby

P.S. You'd better not put me on the naughty list.

I went to a party, Mom
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a Sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didnt drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mom
Something I expected least.

Now Im lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own bloods all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.

Im sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put Daddys Girl on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
Id still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom
Im getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And Im so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say I love you, Mom
So I love you and good-bye

There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I see regular people!

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is full.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

I have more fictional boyfriends than you do. Beat that!

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth

I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have! ( I don't really have ADD )

Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

You call me a B well a B is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment :D

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out

Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff

I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do kill me?

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love.

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

this is person cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of every line :)

7 Reasons Not to Mess with Children (small children)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The te acher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Try Not To Cry:

Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack.

Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best

Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass

Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.

But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.

And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,

But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest

When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could

please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.

But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,

Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true

And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"

In Memory of The Columbine & Virginia Tech Students Who Were Lost

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put "u" and "i" together.
Woman: Really, I'd put "f" and "u" together.

Middle School Drama

Girl: I'm always here for you

Boy: I know

Girl: What's wrong?

Boy: I like this girl so much

Girl: Talk to her

Boy: I don't know. She won't ever like me

Girl: Don't say that. You're amazing.

Boy: I just want her to know how I feel.

Girl: Then tell her.

Boy: She won't like me

Girl: How do you know that?

Boy: I can just tell

Girl: Well just tell her.

Boy: What should I say

Girl: Tell her how much you like her

Boy: I tell her that daily

Girl: what do you mean?

Boy: I'm always with her. I love her.

Girl: I know how you feel. I have the same problem. But he'll never like me

Boy: Wait. Who do you like?

Girl: Oh some boy

Boy: Oh... she doesn’t like me.

Girl: She does.

Boy: How do you know.

Girl: Because, who wouldn't like you?

Boy: You

Girl: You're wrong, I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

Girl: So are you going to talk to her?

Boy: I just did.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism

I have a special animation that will show up right there

If you took

0-10 secs- there's hope
11-60 secs- this was a monkey's score
1-5 min- congrats bimbo- you're dumber than me.
6-10 min- read VERY slowly
11-45 min- new invention, brain- use it
over 46 min- oh I get it, u donated your brain to science, but they gave it back

They say, That's hot, you say You're not.
They say, What a loser you say, You found a mirror?
They say, No one likes you you say, From you that's a compliment.
They say, You're ugly you say You would know
They say, You're pathetic you say Yes, your Royal Bitchiness

The 5 keys to life:

Laugh- at your friends like they laugh at you
Love- that little bear you've had since you were two
List- whoever you hate and give it to your best friends: there went those problems
Listen- to the hilarious embarrassing stories told by your friends
Let go- of all those stupid biotches holding you back.

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy:No.

Girl: Choose—me or your life?

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and boy runs after and says..

The reason you don't cross my mind is becauseyou're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason why I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is becauseI would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is becauseyou ARE my life.

QUOTES TO LIVE BY

1.) Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

2.) Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3.) When other little girls wanted to be ballerinas, I kinda wanted to be a VAMPIRE.

4.) Vampires vs. Werewolves...It's kinda like pirates vs ninjas, but cooler

5.) Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

6.) Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'?

7.) If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

8.) "Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

9.) "Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

10.) “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Unknown

11.) “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.” – Unknown

12.) “He who laughs last didn't get it.” – Unknown

13.) Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.

14.) Oh god! They took my freaking kidney!

15.) When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!

16.) I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.

17.) There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

18.) Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that jerk upside the head

19.) "Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

20.) Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin.

21.) Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"

22.) You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

23.) They say guns don't kill people, people kill people, but honestly i think guns have something to do with it because if someone just stood there and said "bang," i don't think many people would be dead...

24.) I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

25.) Everyone has a wild side - me and my friends just prefer to make them public

26.) Guns don't kill people. I do.

27.) A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

28.) He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.

29.) My imaginary friend doesn't like you either.

30.) flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

31.) Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

32.) The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

33.) The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.

34.) Assassinations is an extreme form of censorship.

35.) You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

36.) I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet

37.) I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

38.) I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have

39.) Somebody needs a Happy Meal.

40.) Did you just call me a bch? Because a bch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

41.) So, you're a cannibal.

42.) Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

43.) AV is Addicted to Vampires

44.) There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

45.) 'It's always in the last place you look' Well DUR! Because you stop looking after you find it! HELLO!

46.) I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

47.) Although, chainsaw beats scissors, paper, AND rock!

48.) I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow

49.) Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again

50.) To put it nicely, I hope you choke

51.) It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn

52.) I'm not insensitive, I just don't care

53.) If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

54.) The evil gnomes poked me in the bum wit a stick.

55.) Would you like a cookie? So would I.

56.) You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

57.) Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.

58.) A day without sunshine is like... night.

59.) A rejected invention:Instant water! just add water!

60.) Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot

61.) Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

62.) Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.

63.) I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

64.) I do what cheerios tell me.

65.) I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.

66.) I'm hearing voices in my head and they don't like you! (haha just like Edward Cullen!! )

67.) I'm knocking on heavens door.. voice in back round: Knocking? You very nearly broke the bloody thing down!! me: That wasnt my fault!! It was poor constrution... I SWEAR!! Dont look at me like that...

68.) If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.

69.) My Braces Are Stuck To The Carpet...

70.) Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.

71.) Emmett's the strongest, Edward's the fastest, But Jasper can sit alone in a corner and still make people jealous.

72.) Okay...so there's this thing called retarded-ness and me and my friends, well...We've gone pro.

My Favorite Insults (use at your own risk)

Everyone is intitled to being stupid, but you just abuse the prviledge.

I would say "screw you" but I think to many people already have.

I am really trying to imagine you with a personality. Oops, I can't.

Not the brightest crayon in the box, now, are we?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Your a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal.

You just won't leave me alone, will you? You know, people like you are the reason why people like me need medication.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
God made me beautiful,
What happened to you?

List 5 reasons why I shouldn't talk to you. And then read them over and over.

If stupidity was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(Alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(Just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "Just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(Just leave ‘em in the middle)

The holy words of twilight

Our Edward,
Who art in Forks,
Hallowed be thy sparkles.
Thy Volvo comes, thy will be fast,
On Earth as it is in the meadow.
Give you this day, our daily blood;
Forgive us our heartbeats,
As we worship Carlisle for giving you life.
Lead us into temptation,
Deliver us to you.
For thine is the vampire,
The music and the hotness,
For ever and ever,
Ed-men

Don't own, originally from Raptor-Chick.

not introduce self as roleplaying character in public.

not talk to fictional characters in public.

not answer fictional characters in public.

not talk to inanimate objects in public.

not go out in public.

6.Disregard above note.Perform numbers 1 to 4.

7.Note expressions.

8.Don't die alone. Take many people with you.

9.Floor is slippery when wet.

10.Lake is slippery when dry.

11.Only talk to strangers you know.

12.Strangers you don't know are spies... Kill them all.

13.For legal purposes be sure to delete above note.

14.Tell people about the spies that are trying to kill you.

15.Kill them for security purposes.

16.Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings.

17.Make a scene whenever humanly possible.

18.The men in white coats are not your friends.

19.Ask them for a room with lots of sharp, pointy objects.

20.When that doesn't work, ask for a designer jacket.

21.Chicken soup, although good for colds, is not the best cure for drowning.

22.Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

23.Unlike fine wine, milk does not get better with age.

24.Always remember, um... um... Damn.

25.Train army of flying monkeys.

26.Goldfish don't like milk.

not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.

28.Find out who invented the word "pianist".

29.People are staring at you.

act insane.

31.People are weird, but not as weird as me.

not taunt animals at zoo. They have feelings... And teeth.

33.Little people are aggressive. Stay away from little people.

34.Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experiance. Do this as much as possible.

'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me... Bonding.

36.Never pet a burning dog.

37.Never make eye contact with a naked man. Especially if you are wearing a parka.

38.Naked men dig parkas.

39.Beware the naked man who offers you his parka.

know what would look good on you?

41.Immolated cockroaches.

42.Don't worry. It's only a harmless pimento bug.

43.The size of Danny DeVito.

44.Making an amusing facial expression. Like this.

45.Numbers are evil. Count in clovers.

46.Stalking is fun. Do it more.

47.Make a large sign saying, "Look at me, I'm a gumnut tree!"

matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.

49.That way is rum.

50.Constipated people don't give a sh-t.

cannot kill the snow.

53.The snow can kill you.

54.Grass can also kill you.

55.The leprechaun on the cereal box said I can't get his lucky charms...

56.Catch and castrate leprechaun.

57.HE is real... No matter what the men in white coats say.

58.Staple paper in the middle of the page.

case of blank looks, laugh maniacally.

are not haxxor l337 or an uberhacker or anything like that.

61.Pretend to be so around teh n00bs.

not go out with voice #7. He is a sadistic, soul sucking demon.

63.Disregard last note. Go out with demon. Who needs a soul anyway?

64.Ask Senior Diablo for a bigger pitchfork.

65.Remember to kill HIM...

66.Tell the small children in Toys 'R' Us that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.

67.Note reactions. Avoid parents.

68.The blood of infants gives unholy superpowers according to Jhonen C. Vasquez. Test theory.

69.Scream, the doctors don't like it, they'll give you a shot of something nice.

70.Hide the bodies, otherwise peole ask embarressing questions.

the evidence.

72.But not if it's broken glass.

73.When in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run.

not tell children that Santa is fat because he eats kids.

75.Disregard last note.

76.Note reactions.

77.On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.

78.Stock up on ball point pens.

79.Learn to fly. Tell no one.

80.The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

not stick fingers into blender.

82.Blender... Bad... Ouch.

83.Blood loss is bad.

84.Find way to re-attatch fingers.

85.Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.

86.Answer every question with a question.

87.Ask people what gender they are.

88.Note reactions.

89.Refer to people as "mortal".

90.The Seagull From Hell is out to get me.

91.Kill all enemies in most disturbing way possible.

92.Start by drowning them in fire ants.

93.Find the creators of pop-up messages.

94.Kill them.

95.Brutally.

96.Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination.

97.Dunk head in boiling water.

98.Disregard last note. Was written by Voice #7.

99.Gullible IS written on the ceiling!

Did you know...

kissing is healthy.bananas are good for period 's good to cry.chicken soup actually makes you feel better.94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.lying is actually really only need to apply mascara to your top 's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first 's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed.chocolate will make you feel better.most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.a good friend never judges.a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.boys aren't worth your tears.we all love ... make a wish.Wish REALLY hard!!WISH WISH WISH WISH Your wish has just been received.Copy and Paste this into your profile in the next 15 minutes and...Your wish will be granted

Pictures for my stories!

When in doubt, call a savior:

Rosalies top- http:///images/I/41D5uhSRFJL._AA280_.jpg

Rosalies skirt- http:///images/black_pencil_Skirt_blueflys_Blog_flypaper_1.jpg

Bellas top- http:///images/Electric20Blue20Sequin20Strap20Top.jpg

bellas skirt- http:///images/unbranded/p/unbranded-pleated-tennis-mini-skirt-size-12.jpg

Alices top- http:///_op2vg5YjayM/RnQvEwtRjxI/AAAAAAAAAUI/M4ECa1-NYXU/s400/white-sequin-beaded-top1.jpg

Alices skirt- http:///hi/img/2/0/0/28/7/AAAAAoJSe6QAAAAAACh3mw.jpg