Whether you've stumbled across this page by accident or choice, welcome all the same! As the plural in our alias indicates, this account is shared by the two of us.

Who are we? We are the things that go bump in the night, the monsters that live under your bed, and the trolls devouring the Internet byte by byte. We're part of the growing pandemic of Prolific Mr. Anonymous swarming the chatrooms and forums, and we're the guy standing BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW. Nah, just kidding. Mostly.

Well, to be technically correct, we go by Alex (yours truly) and Sam (my better half). Since the Dawn of Time (late 2007) we've been terrorizing fanfiction.net with our stories. Nine times out of ten the things posted here were written exclusively by me, although on the few occasions we do team up we write literary monstrosities, which we then let off their leashes and sic on the Internet with gleeful abandon. (See Life Aboard the Halberd for reference.)

For those of you unfamiliar with our brand of madness, we typically dabble in humor, although when there's a blue moon in town we branch out into adventure, hurt/comfort, and angst. Our "schedule" (excuse me while I laugh myself sick in the corner) is pretty erratic. Stories have been known to sit for long, loooong stretches of time, so if something you like starts collecting dust, don't fret too much over whether or not it's "getting abandoned." If something does end up on the backburner for too long, we'll notify ya'll. Otherwise, assume the story's gonna stay intact.

Anyway, feel free to peruse whatever we have posted here at the time, and never hesitate to shoot us a PM cuz you're worried about "annoying us." Tell that icky thought to jump off a bridge. Sam and I will never say no to anyone who wants to chat, and we don't bite (much), so feel free to ask away! (Disclaimer: Immediate responses not guaranteed. Real life has a tendency to interfere with that.)

Pro-tip: Older stories are shit, newer stuff is where it's at!

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Status of Current Stories:

Adagio
Status: Complete

The Almighty Maker Him Ordain
Status: Complete

All in the Job
Status: Active

Balancing Act
Status: On hiatus

Beneath That Metal Exterior
Status: On hiatus; in need of revision

Black Sacrament
Status: Complete

Can I Get That in Writing?
Status: Active

Cloak and Dagger
Status: Complete

Closed Mouths Gather No Feet
Status: Active

Doppelgänger
Status: Complete

Extend the Olive Branch
Status: Complete

Gears in Motion
Status: Complete

The Great Clans
Status: Discontinued

Hoshi no Kaabii Deleted Episodes
Status: Discontinued

The Hunter's Encyclopedia of Animals (First Edition)
Status: Active

In St. Mungo's
Status: Complete

Life aboard the Halberd
Status: Discontinued

The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Status: Active

Mr. Sensitivity
Status: Complete

One Way Ticket
Status: Complete

The Pokémon File
Status: Discontinued

Road to Recovery
Status: On hiatus; in need of revision

The Prices We've Paid
Status: Active

Their Final Revelation
Status: Discontinued

Traded
Status: On hiatus

Visiting Hours
Status: Active

Watershed
Status: Complete

Coming Soon to a Computer Near U:

A Most Fascinating Treatise on the Anatomy of Birds
[RWBY] The conveniences of magic tend to get overlooked when you’re dealing with something as impractical as shapeshifting. Until something weird happens, and you’re forcibly reminded that you volunteered for this bullshit.

All Our Revels
[Warriors] A one-shot in honor of Ravenpaw, detailing his life after the humans destroyed his home and the Clans left.

And Still Hours to Go
[RvB] They lost everything and had nothing, except a damaged armor set, what supplies they could steal from the Project, and a half-melted candy bar in York's back pocket. Delta wonders how they're supposed to rebuild their lives with that. Two damaged souls and the long road back to good.

Automatonophobia
[Transformers] There’s a reason why Jazz was named Optimus’ TIC.

Ballad of the Locksmith
[RvB] At this rate York was seriously considering waving a neon sign over his head and seeing if then she would take a hint. Fortune may favor the bold, but Murphy's Law favors the unlucky. York/Carolina.

Behind These Blue Optics
[Transformers] A 100 fic blitz for all the possible reasons why Jazz — Third-in-Command, Head of Special Ops, and Saboteur Extraordinaire — wears his visor.

Blacklisted
[Transformers] Exasperated with the lack of discipline displayed by humans and Autobots alike, Prowl issues a base-wide list of all contraband items. An anthology for the reasons behind said list.

Can I Ask You a Favor?
[Transformers] It started with six simple words. Then it went downhill from there.

Card Sharks
[Transformers] A look into the Autobots' poker nights. Step up, step up, and roll the dice.

Everyone's a Critic
[Transformers] Culture shock was to be expected — up until a certain point. For several frustrated and movie-deprived humans, there are only so many cinema sins willing to be tolerated before desperate times call for desperate measures.

Finish Him
[Transformers: Prime] What happens when you mix giant alien robots, Mortal Kombat, and a routine medical checkup?

Free Range
[RvB] Being a planet estranged from the rest of the galaxy often results in unique lifestyle and cultural changes. Including dietary.

From a Technical Standpoint
[RWBY] In which Nora exploits a loophole, Oscar underestimates the eccentricities of Huntsmen, and Jaune denies having anything to do with it.

Glass Half Fool
[RvB] Shore leave rolls around, providing York with the perfect opportunity to settle a bet. What starts out as a competition to upstage each other quickly devolves, as the hapless Freelancers find themselves ambushed, hungover, kidnapped, lost, and blackmailed. Not necessarily in that order.

Guard against What May
[RWBY] When things on a mission start to go south, that’s typically the point where you flip a coin. Qrow’s never been great with calculating the statistics, but in his line of work, the odds usually even out.

Hurdle Jumping
[Transformers] /ˈhɜːdəl ˈdʒʌmpɪŋ/ Noun: 1. Sports; a race in which a series of barriers must be jumped without breaking stride. 2. Idiom; a new circumstance, problem, or event which one encounters and must overcome, regardless of the humiliation involved.

Lightning Field
[Monster Hunter] Desperate for redemption and a chance to start afresh, a lone hunter strikes out for an archipelago on the edge of the Guild's radar: Moga. And realizes — in the wake of several disappearances, ominous earthquakes, and a leviathan with a grudge match — that retirement might be too high a request. [AU elements]

Malpractice
[RWBY] Tyrian gets a new tail. Watts gets to put his medical degree to good use.

Mobilis in Mobili
[RvB] You’re either the warden, the prisoner, or a hybrid of the two. Sometimes Wash forgets which one he’s pretending to be.

Mors Omnibus
[Darksiders] Sometimes, being Death just doesn't pay enough. A series of one-shots about the Rider of the Pale Horse and his siblings in their eternal quest to maintain the Balance. Though admittedly, some days that's easier said than done.

National Anthem
[RvB] "The only people not wearing armor these days are dead." In the early phases of the war, Felix and Locus are tasked with eliminating a specific group of civilians.

No Sight of the Sky
[Subnautica] When asked about the audio logs, the Torgals had shrugged. Scientific intrigue, Bart explained. Indemnification, Paul said. Personally, Marguerit had no intention of dying any time soon, but she reckoned they hadn't ruled out posterity. [Anthology; interrelated one-shots.]

Oasis
[RvB] Of all the strange sights to ever grace the desert — the Pyramids, Moses, and the thorny devil — there was none stranger than a stonewalled medic, a questionably sane Freelancer, and a sociopathic rogue agent. Outtakes from S8: Revelation of our favorite intrepid trio as they (grudgingly) learn to put up with each other. (Many Aliens were harmed in the making of this fic.)

Oderint Dum Metuant
[RWBY] A case study and psychological profile of Adam Taurus. Property of the Vale Police Department, CR-1303-HD-29139.

One Hertz beyond Hearing
[Silverwing Trilogy] A one-shot that takes place in Sunwing, when Shade, in desperation, calls out to the albino. He got an answer on the receiving end, but what did the ancient Zephyr hear millions of wingbeats away to the north, where fighting was thick, hope was frail, and after a long winter war was fast-approaching?

Our Contestants Tonight
[RvB] Raiding pirate munitions facilities and stealing back equipment from a defunct military program is a helluva commute. Epsilon and Carolina find a way to pass the time.

Pack Dominance
[RvB] In nature, the Alpha is the leader of a group who is showed absolute deference. In the mind of a mentally-unhinged psychopath, the Alpha is the last AI standing. Church is given a breakdown of the pecking order in the Meta’s head. And then Church does some breaking of his own.

Paradigm Shift
[Portal 2] She had always assumed that ASHPD Test Subject-1498 was the source of all the problems in her facility. Then the kidnappings, sabotage, distress beacons, and presumably-random fires began. GLaDOS considers the possibility that she forgot to account for a few variables.

Pirate Radio
[Transformers] A restless Blaster always invites trouble.

Play Dead
[RvB] Every Mantis Class Military Assault Droid has his day.

Please Knock before Entering
[RWBY] It was expected that certain things would take some getting used to: the rigorous training, the homesickness, the moral burden he now carried. Other things, not so much. Oscar considers the possibility he might have underestimated.

Run the Tutorial
[RvB] Hippocampal lacunae was a lesson glossed over in AI Theory. For Epsilon, it's a lesson in existential crises, when you're trying to function as a whole person and really, you're just a tenth of one.

Settle a Bet
[RvB] Killing time in between killing people.

Side Effects May Include
[RvB] So now there are two of these stupid things, right? Tucker remembers what happened the last time they found an ancient alien weapon, and feels it’s only fair to give Doyle a heads-up. Just in case.

Subterfuge
[RvB] It was inevitable, that something would happen that Control couldn’t account for, or that Felix couldn’t adapt to. It was simply unfortunate that it jeopardized the war and left him to clean up his partner’s mess.

The Abomination Vault: Abridged
[Darksiders] Ages before the events of Darksiders and Darksiders II, two of the Internet's most feared writers — Sam and Alex — are tasked with torturing a group of renegades and the infamous Horsemen by rewriting a bastardized version of the book: awkward scenarios, roundabout arguments, and illegal amounts of hilarity, capable of bringing tears to readers everywhere...but only by unleashing utter nonsense.

The Things They Parried
[RvB] Truce-time politics are a deadly verbal tennis match, especially when you're the leader of a military faction and your sparring partner is your enemy-turned-ally.

Untitled 01
[RvB] When the gravity of the Director’s crimes against the Alpha and his agents is brought to light, Texas enacts a last-ditch plan to save herself, her teammates, and the AI from a fate worse than death. [AU, divergent plot after S10E17]