Disclaimer: I don't own the Transformers, The Hobbit or any of the characters mentioned here. They belong to Hasboro and the Tolkien estate respectively. I showed no profit on this fic other than personal satisfaction and the amusement of my friends. No Autobots were harmed in the making of this fic. Humiliated, yes. Harmed, no. :)

It wasn't a particularly extraordinary day. In fact, the day had been rather quiet. Of course "quiet" is a relative term. "Quiet" in someplace like a library would be pretty close to the orthodox definition. But in Autobot Headquarters...

"Slaggit, 'Jack! Can't you fiddle with anything without it exploding? I swear, you could detonate a completely diffused bomb by just looking at it cross-eyed from across the room!"

A lone teen paused in his travel through the metal-lined corridors and grinned at the exasperated shout echoing down the hall. He took a slight detour to see how many pieces the Autobots' "Mad Engineer" had blown himself into this time.

"You know, I was about eight when Dad managed to pound it into me not to play with fireworks," he quipped as he entered the repair bay. "How old are you now, Wheeljack?"

Ratchet looked up from his work and laughed. "You tell him, Spike. See! Even someone whose species wasn't evolved when you rolled off the assembly line has more sense than you."

The 'bot in question groaned from the diagnostic bed. "Can't you have any compassion for a wounded friend?"

Spike tossed his backpack on top of the work bench before hauling himself up with the help of a nearby crate so he could get a better look at the damage. "It would be easier to have compassion, friend, if this didn't happen every other day."

"And twice on weekends," Ratchet added with a growl as he bent over Wheeljack's mangled arm with a welding torch.

Spike looked over the mess and gave a low whistle. "What was it this time? Playing with anti-personnel mines?"

"One of those bunker buster' bombs," Wheeljack explained with a sigh. "I've been trying to find a way we can attack Decepticon Headquarters directly, and I hoped I could use some of their design to make a missile that would punch through half a mile of water and a foot of armor plating before blowing everything around it to scrap. Unfortunately, modification is proving difficult..."

"And the latest episode of 'difficult' damn near blew your arm off," the medic finished acidly.

"You need any help with this?" Spike asked as he sat back on his heels.

"Nah," Ratchet said with a shake of his head. "I'll have Sir Explodes-A-Lot back on his horse again in no time. Besides, don't you have an appointment?"

Now it was Spike's turn to groan as the others chuckled. "Don't remind me."

"Hey, you did start it," Wheeljack smirked.

"And no good deed goes unpunished," Ratchet added as he reached for another tool.

"I hate you both."

Spike certainly hadn't intended on turning into a Mr. Rogers for the Dinobots. Two days ago, the Ark had been chaotic as every available Autobot and human ally had rushed about repairing the damage left from the last Decepticon attack. The Dinobots, after they'd finished their job of clearing out the debris, were getting underfoot and driving everyone crazy. Spike's half-sarcastic comment to Bumblebee that maybe someone should read them a story was overheard by Swoop who had latched on to the suggestion (and Spike) with gusto. Next thing he knew he was ensconced on a rock outside the Arc with Dinobots in a half circle around him as he read from the only book he happened to have with him at the time, J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit. This had been sufficient to keep the Dinobots out of everyone's hair for the rest of the day. Unfortunately for Spike, they weren't content with a few chapters. The next morning they ambushed the teenage the moment he arrived at the Ark and demanded more. Therefore, to the immense amusement of the other Autobots, Spike had been obliged every day since to read aloud the adventures of Bilbo Baggins.

"You know," Ratchet said musingly, "you could suggest that they read it themselves. Or get them an Audio-Book CD."

"Tried that," Spike said ruefully as he ran a hand through his hair. "They said it wasn't the same. At least I can beg off after a couple chapters by saying my throat's drying out."

"I don't think that will work today," Wheeljack said with an evil gleam in his optics. "I saw Slag earlier. He was carrying a cooler."

The teenager let himself fall back on the bench and stared balefully at the ceiling. "Kill me now."

Ratchet put down his tools for a moment. "In all seriousness, you don't have to do this. If you're really bothered by it, tell them no. They'll get over it."

Spike stared at the ceiling a second more, then propped himself up on his elbows. "Well...actually, I don't mind that much. It is kinda fun. I just wish they'd let me skip a day or two without giving me those looks that send me on an all-expense-paid guilt trip. Though I don't blame them. It is a good story, and it is more fun when it's read to you aloud." A bittersweet smile spread across his face. "Mom read it to me for bedtime stories before she...before she died. This one, the Lord of the Rings and the Narnia books..."

Wheeljack's smile was obscured by his facemask but mischief showed clearly in his optics. "Hmmmm....I'll have to tell the Dinos about those."

"Don't you dare!"

"Come on, Spike! You know Slag and Swoop will be bugging you for more Hobbit stories the day after you finish that book. Just think of it as practice for when you have kids."

"When I have kids, I won't be in danger of getting accidentally smashed into pulp if they re-enact the Troll Scene."

The two Autobots burst into laughter at the image that brought up, and Spike found himself joining them. "Well, one step at a time," he said when he caught his breath. "Let me get the Company out of the Misty Mountains, and maybe they'll let me take a break."

"Gotten to the riddle contest yet?" Ratchet's curiosity had been piqued when Spike's readings had begun and read the book himself one night.

"Not yet, not yet, my Precioussss." The change in the human's voice startled the medic so badly that he nearly dropped a laser probe into Wheeljack's arm, and Wheeljack, who had only heard snippets of the story when he checked on the Dinobots, nearly jumped out of his armor. The both turned to the human who was now grinning like a maniac. "Riddlesss In The Dark' is next, my Preciousss," he hissed. "We reads it to naughty Dinobotsesss today." Spike narrowed his eyes at Wheeljack as he hunched his shoulders over and cocked his head at a strange angle. "Praps, nice Autobot be grateful to usss. We keeps his Dinobotsess happy, we does. Yesss, Preciousss."

"Stop that!" Ratchet said sharply. "You're freaking me out, and I know what you're doing."

"What the slag is he doing?" Wheeljack asked, alarmed.

"I'll explain it to you later."

Spike laughed as he straightened back up. "I'd forgotten how much fun that was."

"What was?"

"His Gollum imitation."

"And who is Gollum?"

A boisterous voice echoing down the hall cut off any answer. "Where Spike! Me, Snarl say time for story!"

"Your audience awaits, oh mighty storyteller. Go freak them out and let me work."

With a rueful chuckle, Spike grabbed his pack and jumped off the table.

"It said so, yes; but it's tricksy. It doesn't say what it means. It won't say what it's got in its pocketses. It knows. It knows a way in, it must know a way out, yes. It's off to the back-door. To the back-door, that's it.'"

Spike glanced up at the enthralled Dinobots scattered on the dusty ground around the stone he was perched on just outside the Ark's entrance. He smiled as he went on reading. It was obvious to anyone that they were completely caught up in the story. The Dinobots leaned forward as the pace of the tale quickened. Spike's voice led their imaginations scrambling through the tunnels to blind leap over Gollum as he blocked the way, then on through the Goblin guard room and the tight squeeze through the door into the sunlight. Spike then laid the open book on his lap and leaned back against the sun-warmed stone. "Well," he said after a few seconds of silence. "Any questions before we go on?"

The human always paused for questions between chapters. There was no way around it. When he'd first started reading the book, the Dinobots had interrupted him every other sentence asking about unfamiliar words. What's a Hobbit? What are Dwarves? What does "confusticate" mean? Finally, he'd laid down an iron-clad rule that any and all questions must be held till the end of each chapter when he would answer them at once.

Slag finally broke the silence. "Me don't understand. Why Bilbo not kill Gollum? Left enemy at back. Not smart."

"Slag not listening," Swoop broke in. "Not fair fight. Bilbo had ring and sword!"

"And Bilbo felt sorry for Gollum," Sludge murmured. "Me Sludge feel sorry for Gollum too."

"Slag not care if Bilbo sorry for Gollum. Was stupid! Gollum not fight fair. Why Bilbo fight fair?"

"Me Grimlock want to know how ring can turn invisible."

Spike sighed and prepared to explain (yet again) the concept of magic when he caught sight of a certain Autobot pulling up to the front gate. "Hey, maybe you should ask Mirage about that. He knows how to turn invisible."

"That right! Mirage go invisible!"

"Mirage have Bilbo's ring?"

"We go ask."

As one, they galloped off. When Mirage transformed, he found himself surrounded by a pack of shouting Dinobots. Spike couldn't help but grin at the perplexed and rather alarmed look on the Autobot's face.

"That was a nasty trick."

"Come off it, Jazz. He had it comin' the way he and Sunstreaker were making fun when we first started this gig." The human reached for a bottle of water from the nearby cooler. "Besides, I need a break."

Jazz looked down from his perch just above and to the right of Spike's rock. He had joined Spike's audience the second day and seemed to be enjoying both the reading and the occasional chaos immensely. "Wasn't criticism, man," he snickered. "That was admiration. I couldn't have done better myself."

The tail end of the conversation was caught by Hound as he came out to investigate the noise. He took one look at the chuckling pair, then turned to the maelstrom surrounding Mirage and shook his head. "Jazz, Jazz. You're corrupting this poor, innocent human."

Jazz put on a hurt look. "Corrupt? Moi?"

Hound rolled his optics and found a comfortable seat nearby. "You're still at it, I see," he said gesturing to the open book.

Spike gulped a couple of mouthfuls of water before answering. "Yeah. Held to it by force of Hobbit if nothing else."

The blocky, green robot slapped a hand over his optics and groaned at the pun while Jazz and Spike howled with laughter. "Jazz, I say again, you're a bad influence."

"Till the day they haul me off to the scrap yard," the saboteur crowed.

When the laughter died down, Spike stood up to stretch out his back. "So, Hound. You've come to join the fun?"

"I guess so. Trailbreaker and I were planning to hit the trails due north of here, but he doesn't get off shift for another hour or so. I figured this would be a pleasant way to kill time."

"That it is. We've got loads of entertainment right here." Jazz snickered again as Mirage finally broke free of the pack of Dinobots, transformed and burned rubber into Headquarters. The Dinobots looked after him for a moment as if they were thinking of pursuing but seemed to think better of it and slowly walked back toward the rocks.

Hound looked down at the book, then back at Spike who was rummaging through his backpack for a snack. "Are you really going to read that whole thing to them?"

"Kinda committed to it," he answered as he sat back down.

"Stupid Mirage not tell Dinobots how ring works," Slag grumbled as he settled himself on the ground. "Want more story."

"Okay, guys. Here we go." Spike opened the book and found his place. "Bilbo had escaped the goblins, but he did not know where he was. He had lost hood, cloak, food, pony, his buttons and his friends. He wandered on and on, till..."

"Hey, guys?" Heads turned in unison to see Bumblebee standing at the entrance with a puzzled look on his faceplate. "I hate to interrupt you, but is there any particular reason Mirage is in the maintenance bay ranting about rings and Dinobots wanting to open up his photon disruptor?"

Spike, Hound and Jazz looked at each other for a moment...and burst into laughter.

---

Quotations are from -

"Riddles in the Dark", page 80 of The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien,

"Out of the Frying-Pan Into the Fire", page 87