Hear ye, hear ye, oh useless internet pissants...

I'm only doing this bullshit because I am a complete narcissist and love to talk about myself (I am after all the second most interesting thing on this Earth after bacon-flavored milkshakes). Not real stuff mind you. You can bugger the fuck off if you expect me to tell you anything you might actually want to know about me. I just like to ramble on about nothing in particular just so long as I get to hear myself type, which kind of tells you all you need to know about me. If not, then if you've read About a Boy then that's not too far off. And if you haven't then you're a turd. Nick Hornsby is the biz.

Never written fanfiction before. Never intended to, but I got a random idea and my mind became a cesspool of nothing but what had just occurred to me. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but you get the idea. I do have a music journal on some forum that contains random stories that I came up with on a whim that have nothing at all to do with the concept of a music journal, but that doesn't quite count as fanfiction since they're original. Anywho, if you clicked on my doohickey then you obviously know my idea was about Batman, which I've sort of became (re)obsessed with over the last few weeks after watching some old episodes of the nineties animated series. Seriously, best cartoon ever. Maybe Gargoyles can compete, but not much else can touch it. On a vaguely related note, I just rewatched Watchmen a couple hours ago. Amazing. Now I'll have to reread the comic. Don't care? Fuck off.

Jesus fucking Christ I'm boring myself.

Other shit I like in no particular order...

Comic Books

Should be obvious, considering all my stories are about Batman, but I've only recently been getting into comic books--and in a big way that's stolen my life in the same way that only Mass Effect, Star Wars, and heavy metal have previously done. Comic books are everything that is good in life that doesn't involve orgasms.

Deadpool: Perhaps not surprising, given my nature. I relate to this character in a way that I imagine only misanthropic nihilists who use absurd, over-the-top, offensive, annoying humor as both a defense mechanism and a way to get attention. Brian Posehn's current run has stolen my soul and led me on a journey of discovery of everything from his earliest depictions at the hands of Rob Liefeld, to his first proper characterization in his first solo title by Joe Kelly, and beyond to his many mini-series.

Batman: Duh. Love everything about him: the fact that he's a human who can fuck with even the most superhuman of supervillains/heroes, his building of a surrogate family to replace his lost one, his street-level detective approach to crime fighting, and his single-minded obsession that prevents him from getting close to anyone who is not somehow part of his crusade. That scene in the Flashpoint movie where the Flash gives him the letter from his father makes me literally cry every time I see it. Same with the opening scene from Gotham.

Spider-Man: Along with Batman, Spider-Man has been my second favorite superhero since I was a child--though he now shares a triple bill with Deadpool. He's the geek's superhero: a perfectly normal nerd who receives his powers through geekery, and then lives a normal geek's life. His depiction in the first Ultimate Spider-Man series is everything I ever wanted from a Spider-Man comic.

Anime

Evangelion: Oh my god. Pretentious as hell, but all the more glorious for it. Whenever Gendo and Fuyustki have conversations about pseudo-psychological mumbo jumbo it comes across kind of silly, but it all contributes to the atmosphere. It's worrying just how much I identify with Shinji though. That needs to be rectified. At least I'm pretty sure I'll never masturbate over an unconscious 14-year-old girl. That's something I guess. Go me.

Hellsing: (the manga and Ultimate): Dude, Dracula is awesome, but it's the vampire Nazis that put that show/manga over the top. That was why the TV series blew ass chunks. Influenced a lot of my creative process (please shoot me for sounding like such a douche). I just love that whole idea of taking a completely ridiculous concept and treating it seriously. And Seras is just about the hottest anime chick of all time. Mmmm. Boobies.

P.S. There's a panel in the manga depicting a vampire Nazi eating a baby that I totally want to blow up and put on my wall as a poster. I'm sure it'll make the panties just melt right off a chick's crotch.

Berserk: Probably the best anime experience I ever had was when I was listening to a death metal band named Embalmed while reading the eclipse part of the manga. Not that I'm trying to be sneaky about telling people what kind of music I listen to, it was just integral to the atmosphere of what I was reading and took it to a whole new level. I can't think of any anime that gives off that kind of nihilistic, Lovecraftian feeling. Oh yeah, Embalmed rule.

Music

I listen to far too much music. I know every self-important toolbag probably says that, but I once spent something like... I don't know... well over a thousand dollars on CDs one year, and I'm not at all exaggerating. The worst part was that I was into metalcore at the time so until I traded in a bunch of shit years later I had a disproportionate number of absolute crap albums. By the way, if you like Trivium or Bullet for My Valentine then please lose this page. I don't say that as an elitist. I have an unhealthy obsession with Britney Spears and have no problem at all with garbage music, but that specific contrived bullshit makes my eyelids peal. If you claim to listen to metal and say Bring Me the Horizon when asked who your favorite artist is then you need to listen to Burzum and go away. Alright that was pretty elitist, but who cares? Bring Me the Horizon fans I imagine, but they're barely human anyway.

I'm too lazy to list my fav bands so all I'll say is that the world would be a better place if everyone listened to Manowar, Iggy Pop, Bathory, Alanis Morissette, Blur, and the Insane Clown Posse (Shut up. I swear I'm not one of those people. I can read and I believe in evolution. I just don't care how dumb they are.) BTW, if you don't believe in evolution then please lose this page.

Video Games

I've been on a ridiculous video game binge the past few months, and have a few obsessions that have stolen weeks of my life at a time. I don't mean that as in I played them a lot rather than doing something useful. I mean I wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't bathe, wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't do anything that wasn't encapsulated within the state of altered-consciousness of my video game life. Never really been this bad before, but these days I can really agree that video games can be an addiction. And I say altered state of consciousness in the literal sense. Was freaky.

Mass Effect: The game that started my obsession. I really wasn't in the same world as the rest of you for about a week playing the first game. I stayed up almost thirty hours straight twice in a row until I passed out from sheer exhaustion, then I would wake up after six hours and immediately start playing again. Immediately. I've beaten all three games back-to-back three times in the past few months and am almost done with another game. Obsessed isn't the word. It's almost like a religion. I actually started a game just for the purpose of romancing Tali. I couldn't give a shit about Maleshep (the voice actor is a turd), so I really had no desire to use him again, but if I didn't romance Tali then I wouldn't have been able to move on. Femshep is where it's at. Jennifer Hale is fantastic, especially in 2.

Saint's Row: My other current obsession. I dug the first two, especially 2, but they were still just GTA knockoffs. I became a serious fan after GTA IV came out though. Rockstar took all the over-the-top weirdness I loved about San Andreas, not to mention the glorious open world, and replaced it with an overrated storyline that got boring as soon as I finished it. Only played it through once and then traded it in. But Saint's Row, despite having a much smaller world than San Andreas, took the goofy direction that I'd have loved GTA to take, so Saint's Row sort of became that band that was your second favorite, but then became your go-to band when your old fav started making shit albums. And now that it's completely jumped off the deep end with 3 and 4 I am a fan for life. Seriously, zombies and aliens? WTF. It also helps that I can have a female character and make her sluttified.

Update: And now that I have a character that looks just like the fucking Joker it is so fucking on!

Trashy Chick Shows

Dude, I love trashy chick shows. I also love trashy chick romcoms, but that's neither here nor there. Well, I guess it may be there, but it won't be here. I didn't realize this in time to be able to watch The Vampire Diaries, but I promise you I'd be watching it if I didn't want to jump into a show that was already like fifty seasons in. I've been watching The Originals though. I don't know why it took me this long to realize my love for trashy chick shows. I mean I was a total closet Dawson's Creek fan back in the day. That's why I never really liked Katie Holmes. All the other dudes thought she was hot (and she is), but all I could think of was how annoying Joey was. Bitch needed to take her Mydol. Dawson should have gone back to the hot blonde. You know, the one who played Marilyn Monroe in that one movie a while back? Any chick who can pass for Marilyn Monroe is ace in my books.

But my biggest trashy chick show love is General Hospital. Like any self-respecting hetero-dude I scoffed at the very idea of soap operas for years. Then I was flipping through channels one day and stopped on GH for no apparent reason for about ten seconds and saw some chick (Connie) going off on some dude, who I learned was her son, and telling him she wished she'd aborted him. "Alright, I can watch this for a bit," I thought. Abortion kicks ass after all. And I've been watching ever since. I'm still bummed they killed off Connie though. But at least Franco brings the crazy. That actor is just fantastic. Needs to be on a Joss Whedon show. But not Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.. That show is balls.

P.S. If you think calling women and girls "chicks" sounds condescending then I'd just like to point out that I've used "dude" every time I've talked about men. I just refuse to use grownup words for talking about men and women. I don't know why. It's just a thing with me.

Shit balls that just went on and on didn't it? I told you I was a narcissist. BTW, Violent Femmes rules. No particular reason I said that. I'm just listening to Hallowed Ground and it's the shit. I'm not usually big on country. I dig Johnny Cash and Townes Van Zandt, but it's pretty hit or miss with me. Stuff like this is easy to love though. If you've never listened to any of their stuff past "Blister In the Sun" then you should kill yourself. And if you're one of those people who thinks that Mumford and Sons are a legitimate folk band for throwing a fucking banjo over boring indie pop, then please, please kill yourself. Mumford and Sons are just shit. Shit, shit, shit. I think I'm happy leaving on that note. Fucking Mumford and Sons.