WRITING FAN FICTION IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR LEGITIMATE PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT. GET HELP.

The manga went to shit for me right around the Sasuke Retrieval arc. I stopped reading it altogether around chapter 420, and I had pretty much lost interest a year or so before that. It took Kishimoto 10 years to start adding any real details to the back-story - and when he finally did, it took him about 10 minutes to realize he'd fucked up, and start changing things all over again. This final spin, pitching the whole thing like the story of Ninja!Jesus and saying that Konoha actually had a long tradition of Kyuubi jinchuuriki? Not only does Kishi defenestrate everything you thought you knew about the manga, but he invalidates the original Naruto character as well - making his experience pointless and absurd. The worst part is, when a plot is this horrendously awful, you can't help but suspect that it is intentional - and I can't decide whether he was inspired by the (2nd) worst fanfic I have ever read in my life, or the best black humor.

It’s a shame, though - I really thought that the original premise had potential.

I don't consider myself a 'writer'. I have no illusions about that. I'm just a reader who is tired of seeing the same moronic pap, recycled and repackaged over and over again. I don't think that these little stories of mine are all that original, really; maybe you've had some of the same ideas yourself. But it's so frustrating, trying to find 'my' kind of story on this site. Why should NaruHina fans (and their ilk) have it so easy? I'm just blowing off steam.

And that's the whole point of Returning the Pain, really: payback for having to wade through so much crap, trying to find a decent story.

If you don't like it, write something better. As I keep saying, I would much rather be reading than writing.

But just so we're clear - You brought this on yourself.

RtP Story Notes

(TLDR)

"I am writing this solely for my own amusement." I say a lot of things things simply for effect. I'm not writing a freaking thesis here.

I cranked out the original 100 stories in just over a month, writing 1-2 hours a night, just to see what I could come up with. They aren't going to change your life - though I would certainly be happy if they would change your writing habits. I'm writing crap fics that revolve around the most obvious and overused clichés and plot-holes in the Narutoverse. (The whole point behind RtP is that everyone has already seen this rubbish a hundred times before. Read the title, for god's sake!) If you get a chuckle out of it -or maybe an idea for a new story (hint, hint)- and it helps to keep some of this trash out of your own writing? Then it has served its purpose.

There is a difference between reading and watching TV. I'm putting in some effort here - and I expect the reader to bring something to the table, as well. If you want to be spoon-fed, go watch television.

Criticism and suggestions (regarding the writing, Smart Ass) are always welcome. I'll be the first to say that my writing is for shit, and if you can come up with a jazzier punchline or some other improvement, I'd be plumb tickled to hear it. You can even flame, if you must; but remember: if you can't say something nice, at least make as much effort attempting to be amusing as I do.

Cheers!

Chapters

More of You to Love
Cranberry juice cocktail = cranberry juice, water and sweetener
Cranberry Juice and Vodka Cocktail = a 'Cape Cod' or 'Cape Codder'

The sphincter is a muscle, right?

Okay, so the gag was pretty obvious, and I beat the 'traumatizing sexual experience with a clone' bit to death in other chapters (which were written first, BTW, but thanks to the miracle of editing now appear later, sequentially); but I had a request for a 'Harem' fic, and the guy reviewed damn near every chapter, so...

"Huh. Apparently, the solution was that obvious, after all."

Tastes like Chicken
I do know the difference between 'real' ramen and instant. But real ramen is still (commonly) greasy, salty and glutenous. And you'll get sick of anything, if you eat it often enough.

C.O.D.
I didn't intend this to be a 'Kyuubi's a lawyer/lawyers are evil' bit. I just figured, Kyuubi's been around for x-thousand years; he probably knows a thing or two. And if Jiraiya was dumb enough to open that Pandora's Box...

The title is a stupid play on "Payable on Demand" ("P.O.D.") =
"In which no time for payment is expressed. Where an instrument is issued, accepted, or indorsed when overdue, it is, as regards the person so issuing accepting, or indorsing it, payable on demand."

The Man with Two Brains
The Man with Two Brains is a 1983 film starring Steve Martin, who plays a famous neurosurgeon who has invented the "Cranial Screw-Top" method for brain surgery. It's like the cap on a bottle of soda pop.

Naruto, with the Kyuubi sealed inside him, could also be said to have two brains - as well as two sources of chakra, which is how he overcame the effects of the Jyuuken and defeated Neji.

They Have That on the Internets Now?
"...including a too-small t-shirt with the logo of your favorite band."

When You Have the Same Eyes I Have - Perspective II
Hinata had a demanding and unloving father and she was almost kidnapped when she was 3, and people have no end of sympathy for her.
Sasuke had a demanding and unloving father and he was forced to watch his beloved older brother murder everyone he knew over and over, dozens of times each, shortly before the story began. And people call him "stuck up."

Honestly, how much plainer does it have to be?

For the most part, it seems like people who are big fans of NaruHina are big supporters of mediocre characters in general (Hinata, Iruka, Lee, Chouji, Shino, Konohamaru) - and virulent detractors of talented or 'popular' characters (Sasuke, Kakashi, Ino, Sakura [because Naruto likes her]). They even try to downplay Naruto's special talents: they say that Naruto won't use Kyuubi's chakra because it is 'borrowed' power, and he won't use the Tajū Kage Bunshin to train because it is 'cheating'.
And this is where the straw man demonization of young Sasuke in fanon comes from, as the 'I'm better than you are! I get everything handed to me! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!' Avenger. Sasuke wasn't anything like that in canon.

None of these people were, actually.

We're Number One! (Or at Least, We Will Be)
Hiashi uses a match to light his pipe because using common ninjutsu is beneath the Hyuuga.

"And that Hinata girl certainly wouldn't need much more than a scroll on poisons and a push in the right direction..."
This is a nod to Hinata's supposed interest in medicine.

The Hyuuga can see virtually 360 degrees, through anything, for several kilometers. How is there anything going on in the village that the Hokage is not aware of?

First, You Have to Get his Attention
A priest was walking down a dirt road one day, and happened upon a man with a mule pulling a wagon-load of 2x4s. The mule had stopped and was sitting in the middle of the road. The man was yelling and cursing and pulling on the mule's reins trying to get him to move.
The priest came up to the man and said, "If you want one of God's creatures to do what you want, you must treat him with love and kindness."
The man then told the priest, "If you think you can do any better, you are more than welcome to try."
With this the priest went to the rear of the wagon, where he pulled out a three foot 2x4 board. He walked back up to the mule and looked him dead in the eye, and then he took a mighty swing with the 2x4, hitting the mule square in the head.
The man was in shock, and said, "I thought you said I had to treat him with love and kindness?!"
To which the priest replied, "You are; but first you have to get his attention."

Pale-Eyed Freak VII
Kawarimi: Meat-Shield: I still LOL. One of my favorite chapters.

"Sasuke, whose knife-hand was still firmly and inextricably entrenched in the smoking remains of the now-defunct Hyuuga's skull, was similarly (though not quite as literally) gob-smacked."

Peer Pressure
It appears that Sasuke's Sharingan was active: maybe he used the hypnotic effect of his doujutsu to give Sakura that final push over the edge.

That's Different, Dammit!
People are pretty polarized on the issue of the Sharingan; but if you were running a ninja village, wouldn't you want your ninja to know as many techniques as possible, to be the best fighting force possible?

What Happens in Tanzaku Gai
"Sakura - who for obvious reasons did not have a "CHOKE" button on the side of her head and so kept misfiring on empty mental cylinders - finally turned to the other boy present, in hopes of some rational explanation."

That's another one of my favorite lines from RtP.

I SUCK AT SUMMARIES!
That harem is frightening (Katsuyu/Sarutobi/Kubikiri Houcho/Chiyo/Harry Potter/Ramen). And the Category for this kind of trash would be 'Hurt/Comfort', naturally.
And of course, this is the kind of story that generates massive reviews. (People actually do keep asking me where this story is posted.)

Hyuchiacest gone wild!

Legendary Sucker I
Uno (from the Italian and Spanish word for 'one') is a card game manufactured by Mattel. The game's general principles put it into the Crazy Eights family of card games.
'Numero Uno' implies that those individuals are 'Looking out for Number One' (i.e., themselves).

"Cop Cards" are like baseball cards, with info on local police officers; they are generally distributed in public schools through anti-drug abuse campaigns ("D.A.R.E.").

The reason Itachi and Yondaime are wild cards is because, while most people see them one way, certain people (like Naruto and Sasuke) could very well see them another. (Everyone sees Yondaime as a hero, but Naruto -living with the consequences of the Shiki Fuujin- might have other ideas.)

Evil Naruto I
"If I'd wanted to date a blond chick, I'd have stalked Ino."

Back to the Drawing Board (That's Different, Dammit! II)
"for somebody who likes to say he smarter than the creator you understand little. to not understand something like time-space manipulation its sad. kawami means body swap so taking and inamatment object and switching bodies with an oncoming object u sense. sunshin is a a teleportation tech moving a high speeds at places u can see. soummon is basically what it is but also not. the ailbity to move faster than a person can react to their positon or any near by mark is the ultimate jutsu. pretty sure u can take out 50 enemies in a few seconds with any of those techs guess this is another collection ot ur flames"

I can't argue with that.

And for all you other wannabe quantum physicists out there, trying to convince me how great the Hiraishin is?

You're pretty much just proving the point of the story - and completely missing the point of the A.N.

A Big Misunderstanding
This story sounded funny in my head, but it doesn't actually make sense. Itachi really did kill all those people, after all. Sorry for the confusion!

Sympathy for the Devil
Yeah, I fucked up here, too. I always thought 'Momochi' was his first name.

Bad Timing
That's not to say that they would be ultimately be selected for chuunin, based on those criteria: correctly identifying a threat would probably come into play, as well.

The Name's Not Familiar, But the Face Rings a Bell
WWNJD: What Would Ninja Jesus Do?
If Kishimoto can cast his characters in the role of Jesus, then so can I.

Quasimodo, the church's bell-ringer had passed away, and the bishop had posted the vacant position. A man with no arms came in wanting to apply. The clergy weren't sure the guy could manage, but he convinced them to let him try, anyway.
They climbed the bell tower, and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful, resounding tone. They gave him the job on the spot.
The next day, when the man went to ring the bell, he tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below.
Two villagers were walking past.
The first one asked, "Do you know this guy?"
To which the second guy replied, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
xxxxxxx
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the (again) vacant bell ringer position. This man also has no arms. The clergy lead him up to the bell tower, whereupon he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two villagers are walking by.
The first one asks, "Do you know him?"
To which the second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead-ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

Eyes on the Prize
"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."
Kabuto's probably not going to fall for that old trick again.

Is it not clear what's going on here, or is it simply that no one else finds this mental image as funny as I do?

He's a Real Bastard - Believe It!
I was told that the manga did finally address this issue. Somewhat. In Kishimoto's customary half-assed, that-makes-absolutely-no-sense-whatsoever style.

I wanted to work in Minato referring to Naruto as 'Burrito' (as with 'Kucina', 'Kachina', and 'Menudo'), but alas, I didn't see any opportunity to make it happen.

Author's Note
Returning the Videos! Hello? Is this thing on?

Writer's Block
ex: (s)Cock(/s) Writer's Block

Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein
Pinky and the Brain is an animated television series and spin-off of Animaniacs, starring the genetically engineered laboratory mice, Pinky and the Brain. The show ran from 1995 to 2001 on the Kids' WB! network. The title and dialog here are from the opening credits.

You should be able to look up X-Ray Specs® on your own. (The photo of the novelty eyewear is what sells the gag.)

Oops, Got Some on Your Chin There
"Japanese whaling is currently conducted by the Institute of Cetacean Research. The meat from scientific whale hunts is then sold in shops and restaurants. This is allowed under International Whaling Commission (IWC) rules, although most IWC members oppose it.
These hunts are a source of conflict between pro- and anti-whaling countries and organizations. Nations, scientists and environmental organizations opposed to whaling consider the Japanese research program to be unnecessary at best and a thinly disguised commercial whaling operation at worst.
Japan maintains the annual whaling is sustainable and necessary for scientific study and management of whale stocks. Japan also argues that objections to whaling are based upon cultural differences and emotional anthropomorphism." -Wikipedia

VotE III - Put it on My Bill
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some ChapStick®.
"And how will you be paying for that," the incredulous druggist responds. “Cash or charge?”
"Aw, just put it on my bill," the duck replied.

Hard to Replace? Try Wal-Mart
If you're thinking this is Yaoi, try again.
Naruto thought the Hyuuga needed a replacement doormat after Pein's attack because... ?
(Hinata's dead.)

O.C., Can You Say?
The National Anthem of the USA begins, "O Say, Can you see..." (Not really a joke, but that's where it came from.)

"It was all stuff they had done -or could easily do- themselves, and no one was interested in hearing about the 'adventures' of this complete stranger. The whole reason they had come here in the first place was to catch up with old friends and hear their latest stories, after all."

Generally speaking, canon characters can almost always be written in such a way as to fill whatever role you intended for your OCs. And no one came here to read about your OCs.

Promise of a Lifetime
"There's an old saying among weapons manufacturers, Kid," Danzō explained. "'Try all you like to make something more foolproof; but all you'll manage is finding a better fool.'"
Weapons manufacturers actually do use a similar expression ("Do all you can to make something idiot-proof - but they'll just keep building better idiots.").

Pulling Strings
I'm sure I saw a manga scan somewhere that showed Sasori's heart -and just his heart- floating around inside that cylinder. Wish I could find it again. (I lost all my copies of the manga in the ubiquitous 'Author's Hard Drive Failure'.)

What's in a Name
Ninja Theory of Relativity: Awesomeness = Event x ((Distance x (Time / Space)) / Alcohol)
There is a rather poignant story behind this, but I'm not going to share it.
(It basically equates to this quote from Lucretius: "It is pleasant, when the sea is high and the winds are dashing the waves about, to watch from the shores the struggles of another.")

Your mother. Heh-heh.

What's in a Name II
Why does every writer make Iruka some hotshot ANBU? He's a mediocre chuunin Academy instructor. There have to be some 'B' characters, too, you know.

Iruka is Japanese for Dolphin
Itachi is Japanese for Weasel
Naruto is the Jinchuuriki of the 9-Tailed Demon Fox
Kakashi has a Dog Summoning Contract
Anko has a Snake Summoning Contract
Having them wear ANBU masks that are so readily linked to their identities kind of defeats the purpose.

Knowing Who Your Friends Are
'Mavis Beacon' is software that teaches how to type (on a keyboard).
"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" is a typing exercise, containing all of the letters of the English alphabet.

'Bingo' is an English language children's song of obscure origin. In most modern forms, the song involves spelling the name of a dog (Bingo), with an increasing number of letters replaced with hand claps on each repetition. "And Bingo was his name-o," is part of the chorus.

'Bingo!' is also an expression (derived from the lottery-style game of the same name) used to acknowledge someone's sudden understanding or correct response: Bingo! That's just what I was thinking!

Sounds Like My Ex
"Before you could say, 'Yamada Tarō'..."
The English expression I'm butchering here is, "Before you could say, 'Jack Robinson';" it just means, quickly.
Yamada Tarō is a common Japanese name, similar to John smith (or Jack Robinson).

Like the Severely Constipated Man Said, I've Been Waiting Eleven Years for this Crap?
A man goes to a doctor and asks for a prostate exam.
A week later, he comes back to the same doctor and asks him to perform the exam again.
The doctor says, "Okay, it never hurts to be careful; I may have missed something.”
So the doctor does the exam all over again.
The next week, the same man goes to the same doctor and asks for yet another exam.
The doctor says, "Again? This is really not necessary - but, if you insist…”
So the doctor performs the exam again, but this time something pricks his finger.
The doctor feels his way around in there, and, one by one, eventually pulls out a dozen long-stem roses.
He says to the man, "What the hell? What were these doing up there?”
To which the man demurely replies, "Read the card, Thilly!"

Protecting the King
Ozymandias
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away."
-Percy Bysshe Shelley, 1818 CE

"Hail to the king, Baby."
-Ash (Bruce Campbell), Army of Darkness, 1992 CE

Because We Won Because We're the Good Guys Because We Won Because We're the Good Guys Because We Won Because
The winners write the history books = circular logic.

Let's agree to never again mention Kishi's terrific idea that the Senju and the Uchiha were actually brothers all along.

Seriously, there's 'beating an idea to death', and then there's Kishimoto. I have no doubt that his next move will be to reveal that Minato was actually a descendant of the Senju clan - so that Naruto and Sasuke can be literal 'brothers'. He just keeps shoving that crap down your throat. We get it already!

Meh. Maybe I'll work on a 'Pale-Eyed Freak' story. Those always cheer me up.

(/ironic)

The Power of Electricity... In My Pants
Black Vulcan (a fictional African American superhero on the animated series Super Friends created by Hanna-Barbera) has made several appearances on the animated series Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, voiced by Phil LaMarr. He debuted in the Season One episode, "Very Personal Injury", in which he describes his super power as "Pure electricity…in my pants."

The Mangekyou techniques just come with the eyeball, right? The user doesn't create those, does he?

Pure Evil - That's Not What They Said in the Papers III
The other thing that bothers me about this is, people apparently know about this Edo Tensei technique: so why the hell did Sarutobi give Orochimaru time to plant those kunai?

And (since I haven't read the manga in a couple of years) was Minato actually in the shinigami's stomach or not?

Traditional Japanese folktales use repetitive imagery and phrasing formulaically, to aid storyteller memorization and sustain the leitmotif (akin to western fairytales using the “Once upon a time,” format). I do not feel that I was successful in duplicating this effect.

“Utinam populus Romanus unam cervicem haberet!”
("Would that the Roman people had but one neck!" [So that I could decapitate it with a single stroke.])
-Caligula (properly Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus), ca 40 CE
Quoted in Suetonius’ Lives of the Twelve Caesars, 'Gaius Caligula', section 30.

“…is that your game, you yellow snake?"
The Jamaican Yellow Snake or Yellow Boa (Epicrates subflavus) is a non-venomous constricting snake (boid). The adult measures approx 2m; it has a lower jaw which 'unhinges' to consume prey, 2 lungs, a vestigial pelvic girdle with hind limbs, and it gives birth to live young. Its prey (primarily rats) is killed by suffocation, induced by the steady tightening of its coils. Sound familiar?
‘Yellow’ is also colloquial synonym for ‘cowardly’. (What this says about the ‘Yellow Flash’, may be the subject for another story.)

Be Careful What You Ask For
With no Hinata-bashing, even. Didn't think I could do it, did you?
You owe me one.
(Some numbnutz actually demanded that I write a story that depicted Hinata as a "perfectly ordinary kunoichi, with average skills, average knowledge, average talent, etc." Despite my repeated comments, rants, diatribes and stories delineating my opinion on the subject. That's where this story came from.)

Filler Up
'xxxxxxx', the bump or spacer I use to denote a break in time, is standing in as an actual character here (a 'ring girl', like the bikini-clad models that announce the rounds in a boxing match). The profile ("i am a total Christian (who likes Yaoi and incest).") belongs to some random doorknob on this site; I thought it was hilarious when I saw it.

Hinky!
'Hinky' means 'suspiciously odd'. It is also an atrocious homophonetic pun on the name of the jutsu in question. (Oops - I guess that means I made two puns. Sorry.)

The rant is the story in this case, while the story itself is clearly an unfinished draft (though some people make that same complaint of all my stories). The concept just didn't bear thinking about any more.

'Didactic'. Look it up. (It is a joke. 'Sententious' may have been funnier, but it might not have looked as much like a 'fake' word to Naruto.)

"an insect 1/ 5,579,186.15 his size..."
Assuming Naruto's 12-year old self is short and underfed, 123lbs/10mg= 5,579,186.15

RotFL: "Holy shit!" he cried "I've turned into Orochimaru!"

Head Over Heels
Heel: a contemptibly dishonorable or irresponsible person.
Head: if you don't know what it means, I'm sure as hell not explaining it to you.

"the S-class missing-nin's foul-mouthed coconut..."
Heh-heh.

The Truth is Where You Find It
This actually started out as a Kyuubified!Naruto story, with Naruto saying things like:
“Devour their souls,” Naruto answered. “Let the night be filled with the cries of the innocent.”
It just sort of evolved into the RTW story.
I did want Naruto to come off a little darker (than I managed) in this one, though. It still needs work.

Change is for the Weak
I'm surprised so many people actually got this. I think of 'having your parking validated' as an obscure reference these days.

Naramyon suggested a sweet video for your further amusement (search 'Validation by hughnewman1024' on YouTube).

The Melodrama of Uzumaki Naruto
This is a "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" x-over fic, in case you didn't recognize the Nagato Yuki reference.
(The 'Haruhi' light novels are absolutely wonderful, by the way. You really should read them. I can't believe they have such a small community on this site; like me, they are huge in Japan.)

A Fongul: derived from the Italian curse, Affanculo or Vaffanculo, which translates to ‘F* it’, or ‘Go f* yourself’. It is improper Italian-American dialect.

In the Telephone video, is Lady Gaga doing the dance from the Haruhi Suzumiya anime opening?

Speaking of which, check YouTube for (Haruhi Dance NixFactor) or (Haruhi Dance CPDRC). Prisoners (all men) at Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center (Cebu, Philippines) dancing the Hare Hare Yukai.
So. Freaking. Awesome. No. Words. Can. Describe. It.

Credit Where Credit is Due
otemoto = pre-packaged, disposable chopsticks
How the hell does something like this add to the story? But I see random -and often misused- Japanese words pop up in stories all the freaking time. Don't you find that it breaks the story flow, if it's not a word commonly used in the fandom?

Unless you have just suffered some kind of brain aneurysm, you are well aware that I actually have said all of this dozens of times before, between the stories, the A.N.s, this Profile, the Forum and PMs - explicitly and in excruciating detail. And yet, in one of the very first reviews for the chapter, some fucktard (one of the ass-hats who keeps asking me this same question over and over) has the stones to say, "Well, garsh; why didn't you say something sooner?"
Un-fucking-believable.
But the worst part is, he'll be back in a few days, asking why I hate Hinata so much.

O.O

Only with the Heart
You can find an English translation of the original text of the fox scene online by Googling: ("The Little Prince" fox tame).

I Have My Own Dream!
"I Have a Dream" is the name given to the ten minute public speech by American clergyman, activist, and prominent African American civil rights movement leader Martin Luther King, Jr., in which he called for racial equality and an end to discrimination.
It makes an interesting contrast to Zabuza saying, "I have my own dream!"

I am presenting Madara as the Sandaime Mizukage here. Since Kishi shows him wearing traditional samurai yoroi (armor) in his early days, it seems reasonable that his original mask might be the sōmen - maybe even the karasu tengu.

The Rookie 9 are Special
Sakura's mother is often depicted as a council member in fanon, with no explanation given. I'm going with that here.

Asuma wanted to score with Kurenai, so he was going to take her out for dinner; but when he realized that she was too dumb to figure out Naruto's relationship to Yondaime (let alone the significance of the jinchuuriki thing), he figured, 'why bother?'.

No One's Tool But My Own
Blitz = noun 1) Military: an overwhelming all-out attack. 2) any swift, vigorous attack, barrage, or defeat.3) Football: act or instance of charging directly for (the passer) as soon as the ball is snapped; red-dogging. Origin:1935–40; shortening of German Blitzkrieg = Blitz (lightning) + Krieg (war)

Rout = noun 1) a defeat attended with disorderly flight; dispersal of a defeated force in complete disorder. 2) any overwhelming defeat. 3) a tumultuous or disorderly crowd of persons. 4) the rabble or mob. 5) Law: a disturbance of the public peace by three or more persons acting together in a manner that suggests an intention to riot although they do not actually carry out the intention. 6) a large, formal evening party or social gathering. 7) Archaic: a company or band of people.

Bonus! Rejected final scene:
Several months later, the bridge was finally completed.
"What are you going to call it?"
"The Bridge of Fallen Heroes."

He's Kind of a Tool, II - The Omake
Taint = vulgar slang for the perineum ('cause it 'taint one and 'taint t'other).

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
-from Kubla Khan (lines 31-36), a poem by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, completed in 1797

Above and Beyond the Underneath

I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.
-from a poem accompanying the tale of "The Elephant's Child" by Rudyard Kipling in his "Just So Stories" (1902)

Ricky Ricardo = a character played by Desi Arnaz in the television show I Love Lucy. He is the husband of Lucy Ricardo (played by Lucille Ball, the actor's RL wife at the time).

Seiza = "the Japanese term for the traditional formal way of sitting in Japan. To sit seiza-style, one first kneels on the floor, folding one's legs underneath one's thighs, while resting the buttocks on the heels. The ankles are turned outward as the tops of the feet are lowered so that, in a slight "V" shape, the tops of the feet are flat on the floor and big toes are overlapped, and the buttocks are finally lowered all the way down. Depending on the circumstances, the hands are folded modestly in the lap, or are placed palm down on the upper thighs with the fingers close together, or are placed on the floor next to the hips, with the knuckles rounded and touching the floor. The back is kept straight, though not unnaturally stiff. Traditionally, women sit with the knees together while men separate them slightly. Some martial arts, notably kendō, aikidō, and iaidō, may prescribe up to two fist widths of distance between the knees." -Wikipedia

Bonus! Alternate ending:
Kakashi said, blah blah blah.
"Fuck you, One-Eye!" Naruto shouted, signaling to his clones. "Senken Goroshi!"
xxxxxxx
"That'll teach him to fuck with me," Naruto said, slapping the... uh, dirt from his palms.
That's the other thing everyone says about Naruto - he's a stubborn little bastard, and he knows how to hold a grudge.

Senken Goroshi = 1,000 Fists of Death

Opportunity Knocks - with All Sixty-Four Palms
I'm not trying to make Neji a completely sympathetic character in this fic; but I do want to point out that he has a story to tell, too.

A lot of people bust on Neji because he's 'mean' to Hinata - but if you're going to try to tell me that if you were in Neji's position, you wouldn't resent Hinata? I'll tell you that you're talking out your ass.

Neji and the slavery of the Branch family were supposed to be the focus of the story; but it ended up being more about the illusion of free will.

There is a chain of events that binds his destiny as securely as any slave's shackles: it is almost inevitable that Neji will kill Hinata. Yet the irony is, he still considers this his one moment of freedom. That says something very profound about the nature of life, to me.

In canon, the Hyuuga Elders had decided to sacrifice Hizashi in Hiashi's place - and this is the version of the story that Neji knew.

In the alternate version that Hiashi told Neji after Naruto beat him in the Finals, Hizashi said that he would choose to sacrifice himself for his brother -despite still hating the Main house- because doing so was his only chance to act freely. (The Existentialists would call this 'changing your project' - though to me, it smacks of bad faith.)

I think that there are some interesting parallels and contrasts in this story.

BONUS CHAPTER!

Pale-Eyed Freak IX
“Fangirls,” said Sasuke.

Miscellaneous

Terms/Phrases Most Often Used Incorrectly
Training Regimen (not 'regiment')
Mission Briefing/Debriefing (Briefed before / Debriefed after)
Feral
Black-Ops
Gullible
Shuddered/Shuttered
Gleaned/Gleamed
Incidents/Incidence
Cool and Collected (not "Cool and Collective")
Floor/Ground (inside/outside, unless you're in a forest)
Coup d'état
Former/Latter (First/Last)
Exclaim/Exclamation (verb/noun)
Generation (Brothers are part of the same generation)
Replication/Replacement
Faze/Phase
Canon/Cannon
Sweet/Sweat
Desert/Dessert
Hesitation/Hesitance (Don't use 'hesitance')
Exhale/Exhalation (verb/noun)
Legacy
Clan
Intents and Purposes (not "Intense and Purposes")
Biannual/biennial
Wary/weary (quite different meanings: on guard vs. tired)
Monotone/monotonous/monochrome (These words do not mean the same thing.)
Disdain (not "Distain")
Who/whom (subject/object; like this: 'who' can replace 'he', and 'whom' can replace 'him')
Rogue/rouge (A 'rogue' is a renegade; 'rouge' is a red cosmetic.)
Askance ("Iruka looked at him askance," not "Iruka's look of askance")
Prodigy/prodigal (prodigal is not the adjectival form of prodigy; 'prodigious' would be closer)
Fleshling/Youngling/Fleshrat/Kit (Seriously, just don't use any of these.)
Story/Drabble/Ficlet/POS

You are on the internet right now. If you don’t understand something, look it up!

Story –noun 1. a narrative, either true or fictitious, in prose or verse, designed to interest, amuse, or instruct the hearer or reader; tale. 2. a fictitious tale, shorter and less elaborate than a novel. 3. such narratives or tales as a branch of literature: song and story. 4. the plot or succession of incidents of a novel, poem, drama, etc.: The characterizations were good, but the story was weak. 5. a narration of an incident or a series of events or an example of these that is or may be narrated, as an anecdote, joke, etc. 6. a narration of the events in the life of a person or the existence of a thing, or such events as a subject for narration: the story of medicine; the story of his life. 7. a report or account of a matter; statement or allegation: The story goes that he rejected the offer.

When Size Matters: Story Terminology as Determined by Word Count

Character Notes

Naruto
Orange: Naruto already has the whisker marks; if he identifies so closely with the fox that he has to wear an orange jumpsuit to imitate its fur, then doesn't it follow that he would have the darker mindset of the fox as well?

Ramen: Does Naruto actually love the cheap, filling food, or does he just act like he does, so people won't realize that it is one of the few meals he can actually buy? Is his appetite for the stuff grossly exaggerated for comic effect? Is he really going to eat enough of the stuff to bankrupt anyone? (Do the math: about $4.00 for a bowl at a ramen-ya like Ichiraku's; about $0.28 for the cheap packaged stuff.)

Sarutobi: If Sarutobi revealed Naruto's parentage, he would have more external enemies but fewer internal enemies - and more people who would be willing to protect him, as the Yondaime's son. Would that make his life better or worse? It looks like this is another secret that is being kept not to protect Naruto, but to protect Konoha. OTOH, considering that he is basically a walking atom bomb, you would think that treating him nice and trying to win his favor toward the village would probably be a good idea. What is Sarutobi's agenda?
It is absurd to present Sarutobi as a kind, caring 'grandfather' figure to Naruto, when he has clearly caused much harm and precious little good.

Cheerfulness: Personally, I prefer to see Naruto finally acting like there is a limit to how much shit he will put up with. (Seriously, thousands of stories and he NEVER fights back when the villagers are giving him grief? Have none of these writers ever babysat for a 2-year old before?)

Competence: It's amazing how many writers "don't like Sasuke," then proceed to make Naruto act just like him. Their Naruto is constantly glaring, smirking, rolling his eyes and making sarcastic comments. These are actually very unattractive, juvenile qualities.
And so, Naruto turns into Sasuke. Arrogant, prideful, smirking, showing off - "Drop the genjutsu, we all know this is the 2nd floor."
It's difficult to write a Hero, because you want them to have so many traits - good, kind, strong, confident, brave, self-sacrificing... But then you also want them to be all cool and badass, which seems like a contradiction.
I think that some writers can make the Hero cool and badass, but it has a lot to do with the context - and you may have to trade off some of the other characteristics (+3 badass, +1 nice guy, -2 knows how to cook). And type-x hero can't cross type-x line, without becoming a douchebag.

Uzumaki: So, you say that Yondaime was married to Kushina, but he had so many enemies, he had to keep it a big secret? Sure. That's why none of the other kage hide their families (even the ones with sons/brothers/whatever that are jinchuuriki).
Face it, Naruto is a bastard. That's why his last name is Uzumaki, that's why he has no clan status and no inheritance, and that's why no one connected him with Minato - because Minato denied him as his rightful son and heir.
Kishimoto himself never clarifies Minato and Kushina’s relationship - or just who Kushina is, for that matter. What I think happened was, Minato got some random fangirl knocked up, and then, when he needed a baby for the Shiki Fuujin, he figured this would be a way to tie up loose ends.
"Don't worry about missing all those birthdays, Dad - Shoving that demon up my ass more than makes up for it."

Orphan: Generally speaking, the experience of being an orphan (losing your loved ones, being shunted from one foster-family or orphanage to the next, the concomitant abandonment issues, potential abuse by care-givers, etc.) tends to make people less trusting, less open, less outgoing, and more introverted. Yet somehow, the complete opposite appears to be true for Naruto.

'Solid' Henge: I know you all love those, "If Naruto was a girl, I could fantasize about him taking it in the butt and it wouldn't make me gay!" stories. Sorry - You're still gay. Get over it. It's just a regular henge. Sasuke simply layered a genjutsu over his Kage Shuriken no Jutsu against Zabuza. (There. That should finally put an end to all of that, "And then Naruto henge'd into a mosquito" nonsense.)

Kyuubi Clones: How the hell can Naruto's clones manifest Kyuubi traits/chakra? Kyuubi is a separate entity, whatever booyah you want to believe about the Shiki Fuujin 'binding their souls'. And Kyuubi is locked away behind the seal. So how can Naruto clone the damn Fox? That's the only way his clones would be able to manifest Kyuubified traits.

What's especially fucked up about this is, it seems like early on Kishi says that the clones can't use the red chakra - but later, during Naruto's wind affinity training with Kakashi and Yamato, his clones can use the red chakra (to the extent that they do become Kyuubified). WTF?

Healing: If you're going to say that, "Naruto can absorb the memories from a thousand clones because Kyuubi's chakra heals his brain," then why wouldn't Kyuubi be making other (not-so-nice) changes to his brain, as well? Why would Kyuubi even bother, if the seal is powered by Naruto's will? Hell, let the kid turn himself into a vegetable - then take your time, beating down those crumbling bars.

Hektols makes a good argument for the healing factor being Naruto's, not Kyuubi's: he can use it even when cut off from Kyuubi's chakra; Kyuubi's chakra is toxic, not healing; it makes more sense than saying that the seal "trusts" Kyuubi's chakra to heal Naruto (without playing any shenanigans).

Sasuke
Given his thirst for power, Sasuke is a much more believable candidate for killing off the Uchiha clan to 'test his capacity' than Itachi ever was.

But let's look at another side of Sasuke, that doesn't get examined much: everybody thinks Sasuke is a rotten guy because he tells Naruto, "You couldn't possibly understand me! You never even had a family! How would you know what it's like to lose everything, if you've never had anything to begin with?"
So of course, Sasuke's an ass for rubbing Naruto's face in the fact that he never had any family. But think about where Sasuke is coming from for a minute: he is from this huge clan, this great big family. They all live in the same corner of town (by the insidious design of the Hokage, it turns out). So basically, everyone Sasuke knows growing up is an Uchiha - all the neighbors, all the kids he plays with, the old lady at the vegetable stand, everybody. Hell, throw in a black dress and a big Sunday dinner, and they might as well be Italian.
And then, out of the blue, Itachi up and kills the lot of them.
Add that on top of an already fierce sibling-rivalry, a brutal combination inferiority/superiority complex instilled by his father (inferior as the pathetically 'average' 2nd son, superior as an Uchiha), and a town full of people who once feared the Uchiha but now that there is only one left see him as their pet, and you end up with the simmering cauldron of emotional turmoil that we know and love as Uchiha Sasuke.
He talks about wanting to "get stronger and kill That Man," but if you look at what is really going on, you will see that he actually has a death wish; and he keeps throwing himself against impossible foes, hoping that one of them will finally put him out of his misery.

Sakura
If Kishimoto weren’t such a piss-poor writer, it would be a given that Naruto would end up with Sakura. He loves her, she hits him: there are dozens of shounen manga/anime with the same set-up. (And the quiet, creepy girl who never does anything? Not a chance.)

Naruto has a very explicit crush on Sakura all through part one, and into part two. Yet compare the number of ship fics that give him what he wants, to the number that give Hinata what she wants.

Still, as far as Sakura’s character development goes?
She’s good at her academic studies (she can memorize facts), but not so good at the practical skills. (Usually overstated as ‘genius’ in fanon.)
She has good chakra control, which is to be expected considering her meager chakra reserves. (Usually overstated as ‘perfect control’ in fanon.)
She is a huge Sasuke fangirl as a kid. (Not to say she couldn’t grow out of that.)
So she goes to Tsunade and says, “Train me.”
And Tsunade says, “Are you kidding? You treat my little brother like crap. You offered to run off with the Uchiha. You've never made a single contribution to any mission you've been assigned. Learn how to throw a kunai, and then maybe I’ll find you a tutor - but you’ve got to show some effort first, and you will be starting at the bottom. Now get the hell out of my office.”
Oops, my bad - Tsunade actually takes her on as an apprentice. And pretty much pushes Shizune - who has sacrificed her life acting as Tsunade’s personal doormat - to the side, giving Sakura the Slug Contract, etc.

OTOH, it's amazing how many people are utterly convinced that, since Sakura and Ino were fangirls when they were 12 and not really sincere in their efforts to be kunoichi, they can never change.
And yet, these very same people are just as certain that the other girl in the class -just as much of a fangirl (if less v-v-vocal about it), and even weaker than the other two- changed dramatically (all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding).

Sarutobi
Wow, Sarutobi just never stops letting Naruto down, does he? Telling everyone (except Naruto) about the Kyuubi, not telling anyone (even Naruto) about his parentage, letting the villagers mistreat him, letting shopkeepers mistreat him, letting the academy sabotage his training, putting him in that slum apartment with a meager stipend (is that the mission pay for saving the village every single day?)… I’ll give him a pass for not promoting Naruto to chuunin (he defeated Shukaku for christ’s sake!), seeing as he died and all - but I still see his hand in that somewhere.

I really hate the 3rd. That phony 'grandfather' act makes me want to puke. He is a cold, manipulative bastard with an agenda, just like canon Danzo - they are 2 sides to the same coin. He glibly tells the world that Naruto is a walking atom bomb/jinchuuriki, but then says he can't reveal Naruto's parentage because THAT might cause problems. (Seriously, which is worse?) He makes sure the kid is utterly defenseless, strips him of his family, heritage, inheritance, and any chance of a normal life. But hey, a couple times a year he spends a buck and buys the kid a bowl of ramen. What a guy. "Sorry I spilled the beans about the Shiki Fuujin and everyone treats you like crap, Naruto; but here's some cheap-ass soup to make up for it." And then he's got the freaking balls on him to tell the kid that, “the Hokage has to care for everyone in the village, like family.” What an evil prick. Now you know why he's the only kage to become old enough to retire, when the average life expectancy for a ninja is probably 30.

Let's make this easy. You think Sarutobi did 'everything he could' for Naruto? Buying groceries seems to be a common D-rank mission. Naruto apparently had trouble buying groceries and supplies for himself. So why not assign a regular D-rank to go shopping for the Hokage? No one would even need to know he was doing it for Naruto.

Yeah. Thanks for nothing, you bastard.

Tsunade
Yeah, Tsunade treats Naruto like a little brother about the same way Sarutobi treated him like a grandson. Buy him a bowl of soup once a year and pretend he doesn't exist the rest of the time. Why did she come back to Konoha again?
(Speaking of which, why did Sarutobi always have excuses why he could never help/protect Naruto -too busy, couldn't show favoritism, etc.- whereas Tsunade can have two apprentices?!)
Tsunade pretty much screwed Shizune over in favor of Sakura, also.

Danzo
It's interesting when someone writes Danzo not as some deranged archvillain, but as he was originally presented: a man who has seen war, a man who loves his village, a man who believes that their ninja must be stronger to protect that village, and a man who is willing to work from the shadows to provide that strength when the public face of government (Sarutobi) does not. I'm not necessarily interested in seeing Danzo as a hero, but this seems like a more believable -and intriguing- character.

(There are a couple of stories on this site that started off really well from this premise; unfortunately, they crapped out for other reasons.)

But even if you want to see Danzo as a comic book bad guy (which, duh, he is), he was still the only one in the whole village who had confidence in Naruto and wanted to help make his dream - to be the strongest ninja in the village - come true.
(He just wanted that strong ninja on a very short leash, with a tag that said, "Property of 'Ne’".)

Hinata
Hinata is an insipid, spineless, annoying twit. Hinata is ludicrously OOC in every story on this site, acting more like a cross between Anko and Fem!Kyuubi.

No one actually likes Hinata's character - that's why she is so OOC in all of these crap fanfics; but it seems that a lot of people here identify with this pathetic loser, who -rather than making any effort- expects to obtain the object of her desire by simply wishing for it.

In canon she had less talent and personality than a cardboard box. Hiashi paid Kurenai to take her off his hands, because he thought it would be more honorable to have her die on a mission as a genin than live as an abject failure.

Sakura and Ino (and God knows who else) beat Hinata out for top marks in academics and practical skills amongst kunoichi in the Academy. We're not talking a spar against Hiashi or even Neji - We're talking Sakura and Ino. That is pathetic.

God, I despise Hinata. Everyone says she watched Naruto all the time, saw everything that happened to him, how he was treated, yatta yatta yatta. But did she ever say one word to help him, in 400+ chapters? No. Because she didn't WANT to help him. She doesn't love Naruto - she worships him. She's waiting for the villagers to kill him so that she can start her own Naruto religion, and tell everyone how he was always brave and kind and always kept fighting (until they killed him, anyway) - and she alone, mealy-mouthed little Hinata, always knew it. And then she will finally get the vicarious attention and respect that she could never earn for herself.

And pairing Naruto and Hinata? That’s just absurd. If Naruto were the kind of guy that ‘needed’ Hinata (as people keep trying to tell me) - i.e., a sniveling emo crybaby - he would not be the guy Hinata is supposedly attracted to: confident, optimistic and indomitable.

And Naruto’s going to want someone bright and loud and fun - the things he wants more of in his life - not someone who reminds him of being alone, and most assuredly not someone who is unwilling to stand up for herself. (Look how much Inari pissed him off with that very same attitude.)

So stop deluding yourself. The Hero is not interested in the Wallflower. Get off the computer and get a job, or go take a couple of classes or something.

(Every time I get a 3-page email from some ardent NaruHinatard arguing that "In Chapter 80, page 6, panel 2, you can clearly see by the expression on Hinata's face that she has become much more confident and determined. So you are WAY out of line saying that she never changed!", this section gets a little bit longer. It's not much, but it's kind of cathartic for me.)

But the worst thing is, I've actually had writers flat out tell me, "I don't really like Hinata, either; but I will include her in every story I write. She's a popular character, so that guarantees a lot of readers" (and a lot of squealing reviews). Which means, it's a self-perpetuating cycle.

(Kishimoto himself now says that he would have made Hinata the heroine rather than Sakura, after seeing the [rabid] 'fan support' for Hinata. That should explain a lot about the differences between the anime and the [early] manga.)

Now tell me, how would you react to that, if you were writing about over-used clichés in the Narutoverse?

Oh, what the hell - let's talk about the Branch House thing, while we're at it. The Hyuuga's 'Divided House' is slavery, pure and simple. If they were really just concerned about the eyes, all the Hyuuga would have the Caged Bird Seal - and it wouldn't have any of those nasty control/pain aspects built into it. The Main House just enjoys the luxury of having a sub-human servant class that is born to serve them (which is pretty much the definition of chattel slavery).

And any adult (i.e., above the age of consent or a shinobi) who stays in the Main House -such as Hinata- is tacitly endorsing and supporting that policy. If they truly were against it, they are the only ones who are free to walk away from it, and publicly embarrass the Main House by saying they would no longer be part of a clan that embraced enslaving their own kin; and if enough of them did that, the Main House would no longer have the power to oppress the Branch House. By staying, they are only perpetuating the cycle - not 'working toward changing things from the inside'. (God, that is such self-serving BS.)

It's hard to believe the Senju and the Uchiha let them get away with that crap (unless they simply couldn't figure out how to word 'no putting seals on/fooling around with the eyes of non-consenting family members' without ruling out jinchuuriki and the Mangekyou Sharingan).

Neji
Neji's father, Hizashi, and Hinata's father, Hiashi were twins. Hiashi was born first, and as the 'older' brother, he secured his place -and his progeny's- in the Main House. Hizashi and his progeny were placed in the Branch House - all because of the random arrangement of the twins in their mother's womb.

That one arbitrary detail determined the circumstances of Neji's life. If Hizashi had been born first, Neji would have been the clan heir. But instead, Neji (considered the clan's prodigy) was relegated to being a slave in the Branch House and branded with the Caged Bird seal, while Hinata (considered weak and untalented) was made the clan heir: not based on merit; but simply because her father was born first.

And Neji's Branch House father was (supposedly) sacrificed to protect Hiashi (though that story certainly does not bear up under close scrutiny).

So of course Neji resents Hinata: she symbolizes the life he could have had, and everything that has been taken from him. And would he ever get another chance to rise up against her and the Main House, except for that match at the Chuunin Exams? Unlikely, with that seal on his head.

Hmmm. Take your one chance to strike a decisive blow against your oppressors, or accept your lot in life as a slave?

Neji may not have been as willing to accept his 'fate' as he wanted people to believe.

Shino
I think the reason Shino wears those sunglasses all the time is because he is, in fact, blind. It would be too confusing for him, communing with his insects -all of which have compound eyes- to switch back and forth from binocular vision. And apparently, it's a clan thing.

When trying to cast a 'smart' character, NaruHina fans prefer Shino to Shikamaru: he has no friends; he's kind of creepy; he's got the whole, over-sized coat and sunglasses thing going on; and frankly, Shikamaru's insight and innate intelligence intimidates them.

Anko
I like the idea of Anko being Orochimaru's daughter, mind-fucked by Konoha into being a tool to use against him.

I'm not a fan of Slut!Anko. I think that Anko objectifies herself as an ad absurdam commentary on how people regard her (or perhaps, kunoichi in general). It is a more a way to hold people at arm's length, than draw them in. (Similar to Kakashi reading Icha-Icha in public, or Sasuke's grunted replies.)

Orochimaru
I also like the idea of Orochimaru being on the run, because he discovered that Sarutobi was conducting human experiments.

But I think that there are probably a lot of ways that Orochimaru could be a more sympathetic character - and have more in common with Naruto than is initially apparent. Orochimaru was an orphan; with his ophidian looks and the sacrifices demanded by his summons, he may have been treated like a pariah in the village; he wanted to get stronger and learn a lot of jutsu; he wanted to be Hokage; he's been forced to fight his best friend/rival/teammate; he may have seen Sarutobi as a substitute father/grandfather figure. If a sympathetic Orochimaru came to Naruto instead of Mizuki, how might things have turned out?

Someone else had a story where they were laying out Madara's plans, and they said that Orochimaru had actually never left Akatsuki - 'leaving' the organization, forming Sound, taking Sasuke as his apprentice/host - that was all part of Madara's plan to keep Itachi off-balance and aligned with the Akatsuki. It was an interesting idea.

Uzuki Yuugao
Orrunan has a story called Uprooted, in which Yuugao is revealed to have changed her name from Uzumaki to Uzuki, in order to publicly distance herself from the jinchuuriki. I love that idea. (The story itself, OTOH, has turned to crap.)

Kakashi
Kakashi is really a blank slate. I think you can take his character in any direction, and make it believable: lost in the past, apathetic, fawning over Sasuke, wants to help Minato's son, cool and professional, whatever.

As far as Kakashi being a 'lousy' sensei goes: he never had a childhood; he was a prodigy who graduated the Academy at 5, was a chuunin at 8, and made jounin at 13. He was already Minato's apprentice for some time before Rin and Obito graduated and were added to form 'Team Minato'. He has never had another genin team.
So is it really any surprise that he doesn't know how to deal with the obnoxious, undisciplined kids he gets saddled with on Team 7? He was leading troops in battle when he was their age. He probably honestly expects them to know much more than they do.

Several writers have used the idea that Gai developed his 'challenges' as a way to break Kakashi out of his shell and help him to start interacting with his fellow Leaf nin on a more human level, and I still find that to be a reasonable and satisfying explanation. I do think there needs to be some kind of twist on Gai's part, however - I mean, seriously, that dude is just over the top.

Jiraiya
Jiraiya ranks right up there with the 3rd for me. Not only did he bail on Naruto for the first 12 years of the kid's life - even when he does finally take the kid on as an apprentice he's never there for him, and puts his 'research' first. It's like what Naruto said about Tsunade, when they found her in Tanzaku Gai: "If this is what has become of the legendary Sannin, then we're better off without [him]."

And yeah, the whole, after-the-fact, "Jiraiya entrusted me with his dream of peace" thing that we never actually heard about while Jiraiya was still alive? Kishimoto can eat it.

Zabuza
I can't believe that I have never seen a truly noble and heroic Zabuza; even when a writer expresses some sympathy for Zabuza's goals, he is still depicted as an 'unstable' or even 'bloodthirsty' character.

But Zabuza has so much more potential. Before he was even enrolled in the Academy, he infiltrated the Mist Genin Exams and killed the entire graduating class: over 100 students. Why? So that they would be forced to acknowledge that the system was flawed and change it. That's some impressive leadership potential for a kid who was probably less than 8 years old. Were his own actions barbaric? As every kage knows, sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to win the battle; and let's remember, these weren't innocent 'kids' - they were ready to kill their own friends and comrades in order to graduate. At least 50 would have been killed in the exam; so weigh an extra 50 of these questionable genin against the opportunity to change the very system that produced them. Zabuza made a difficult -but ultimately rational- decision.

Following up on this with an attempted coup against the Mizukage (again, in order to change the 'Bloody Mist'), and then taking mercenary work to raise funds for a second attempt shows his commitment to his cause and his people. Do you honestly think that no Konoha nin have ever been hired to assassinate a client's business rival?

(Okay - so now you know where my stories come from.)

The manga pretty much peaked with the Wave arc. Either Kishimoto has the most incredible sense of irony I've ever seen (Naruto & Co. kill off the only 2 people on the planet who actually personify his ideals, on his very first mission?!), or he's the worst. writer. ever.

Kirabi
The whole idea that Kishimoto made Kirabi an untalented rapper just totally slays me. It's like that Simpsons episode (S8, E14, 'The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show'), where Homer played 'Poochie, the Rapping Dog' - a character designed solely to attract the youth audience.

No doubt Kishi has some historical Japanese literary reference to pull out of his ass, saying that Hung Lo, the famous samurai, loved to sing in the shower. And rap just makes that a contemporary reference. Even though the Naruto! setting appears to be some AU, industrial-era feudal Japanese society.

OCs
There isn't enough character development in the manga to preclude you from writing canon characters in a way that will suit your story, most of the time. OCs are just intrusive; nobody came here to read about, 'Pecos Jim, the last living wielder of the FlapJackugan'.

Pairings
Again, there simply isn’t enough character development in the manga to support any pairing at all. It’s just a matter of personal taste (and projection) - and there’s no use arguing that that’s based on canon. I can’t stand Hinata (surprise), mostly because of the rabid NaruHina fandom that insists she’s so “adorable, talented and clearly perfect for Naruto,” and keeps shoving her down my throat.

Personally, I think I like the Naruto & Ino pairing the most: given a little maturity, I think their personalities would mesh better than most others. Hanabi, Temari, TenTen, and even Sakura are other believable choices: strong, smart women who speak their minds.
(Again, it says a lot about the psychology of the writers/readers who insist on pairing the Hero with someone weak and insipid - qualities that the Hero would find repugnant.)

Konoha
Konoha was formed when two competing warrior clans (the Senju and the Uchiha) decided that it would be beneficial to both parties to set aside their differences and work together to create a larger political body for mutual enrichment and defense. This is known as the 'social contract'. I think it's safe to assume that they make up some part of their Daimyo's military force; but being a money-making organization in a feudal society, I should also think that -following the model of the Imperial porcelain factories in China- a portion of their production (missions) and profit are pledged to the Daimyo as well.

So this is a military base, with a large percentage of military personnel and military-oriented families living there. And, as with most military bases, they require both mission and non-mission support services. Which in turn leads to the availability of 'non-essential' services. (Which usually means a lot of civilian liquor stores, bars, tattoo parlors and pawn shops.)

So who is calling the shots in Konoha - who is running the show?
The civilians? In a feudal society, money is power; but is the Daimyo going to let some no-name merchant undermine his authority with his own ninja? Not likely (especially if those ninja are loyal to the Daimyo, which appears to be the case).
The various clan heads, that the Senju and Uchiha 'convinced' to join the village? They form the bulk of your troops; so sure, toss them a bone once in awhile - but if you can't bring that dog to heel, it's time to put him down.
The Council Elders? Um, who are they, exactly?
The Hokage? You mean, the base commander? The ranking military officer on site? Yeah, I guess he'd be the one.

Sarutobi would have been replaced in a coup by some ambitious jounin (and his crew) years ago if he were anything at all like the incompetent old paper-pusher most fanfics make him out to be.

Other Random Shit I haven't Gotten Around to Putting in a Story Yet

"Drop the genjutsu, we all know this is the 2nd floor."
I see a lot of people put this scene in their fics, and it is clear that they have absolutely no clue that Sasuke is actually fucking up by saying this. The whole point of the genjutsu is to weed out the examinees who are too weak to see past it. So Sasuke, acting cool, has just let all of those potential enemies sweep through into the exam.

Kakashi copied Itachi's Mangekyou Sharingan. It was his guilt over Obito's death that enabled him to do so. That's how he obtained it.
(But seriously, were the Uchiha all dicks? None of them ever felt bad enough over someone's death to evolve the Mangekyou except Itachi?)

If you have a character under 30 say, "Oh, don't call me _-san; it makes me feel old!" (or whatever), please be sure you are trying to write a puffed up little wanker who gets beat up a lot.

Sasuke Retrieval Arc: Kishimoto has this big build-up of how 'Konoha's strength lies in its emphasis on teamwork' - if they work together, a team of genin has a chance (albeit a small one) of bringing down a jounin. So what is the first thing that these rookie genin do when they are sent to engage Orochimaru's crack team of elite bodyguards? They split up, to fight them one-on-one. o.O Is there a reasonable way to write this, that doesn't end with them all getting slaughtered?

If you PM a writer asking to use one of his ideas, but make it fairly obvious that you have absolutely no clue what his work is about and don't bother to leave feedback for his stories - you really just come off looking like a complete cretin.

Yaoi: okay, since most yaoi fans are supposedly girls - exactly how low does your self-esteem have to be for you to not even have a starring role in your own fantasies?

I find it interesting that the narcissism and egotism endemic to this site are -contrary to expectation- more pronounced among the readers than among the writers.

There is a difference between reading and watching television. Literature really is all about the 'underneath the underneath'. My stories are crap, but even I choose one word instead of another, or try to stage things in a certain way, in order to achieve a certain effect. If you just skim the text as fast as you can, you're missing most of the real content. Better literature actually makes you want to read slower, not faster. It gives you more time to think about what you're reading.

Favorite Quote from a Naruto FanFic
Naruto New Way, Ch 1 (not a story I otherwise recommend)
"Sasuke grunted and said, "Show me that jutsu," with his sharingan active.
Naruto shrugged and did 2 handsigns. In one hand he made a fist, while on the other hand he stuck out his middle finger and shoved it into his fist, making everyone but Inari red-faced. In Naruto’s head, he heard 3 people laughing their asses off."

Favorite Quote from a Review
“I really love the grey area between this [a so-called 'cute' story] and your going apeshit when a fantard bugs you.”

The Story I Want to Read

(That's a challenge. Is no one getting this?)

Naruto: Naruto is not an idiot, he does not have some kind of allergic reaction that prevents him from using all of his strongest moves, he is not an emo crybaby, and he actually reaches a point where he stops taking people’s shit. (He does not act like Sasuke, however.)

No NaruHina, no Fem!Naru, no Yaoi, no MPREG, no Self-Insert, no 1st Person POV, no gratuitous OCs

If you can't give a reasonable explanation for a character performing an action, simply have them perform more reasonable actions.

Sasuke: Sasuke -not Itachi- kills the Uchiha clan. (Face it, the whole, 'Test my capacity' thing just suits Sasuke’s 'Fight me!' character much better.)

Danzo: Danzo is not 'Evil'. He’s a dark character, running a truly clandestine black-ops unit that performs the missions that Konoha would not want to be publicly identified with; but he is only trying to ensure Konoha’s survival in a hostile world. (Real ninja are faceless, and operate in the shadows -or right under your nose- without being seen. The 'Rookie 9' and their ilk are part of the public relations dog-and-pony show; they take the flashy missions -and the limelight- so that Konoha comes off looking like the 'Good Guys'. Meanwhile, they've got 3 Ne squads shadowing every mission in case things go south.)

Sandaime: Sarutobi manipulated Naruto his whole life: telling the villagers about the seal, not telling the villagers about Naruto’s parents, not giving Naruto anything more than the barest means of support. Naruto finally calls him out on it.

Hinata: we will assume that Hinata was killed in the Cloud kidnapping attempt. (Or by Hanabi, for the 'Eternal Byakugan'.) She is gone forever, never coming back. She does not appear in this story.

Everyone Else: All of the canon Naruto characters are completely self-absorbed and narcissistic, with no regard whatsoever for what may happen to others as they pursue their own selfish desires. They all betray the values they supposedly hold with 75 percent or more of their actions. It would be nice to see them get their comeuppance, as well.

Pairings: not necessary, though I am partial to Naruto/Ino or Naruto/Hanabi (with Hanabi being 1-2 years younger than Naruto at most).

(Actually, I'd settle for just #1-#3, above. Of the 7500 Naruto-centric stories on this site 20k words, less than 50 qualify.)

I think I've thrown a lot of story ideas out there with RtP, as well as "Dos and Don'ts", practical examples, and other suggestions for budding fanfic writers. And it's written from the perspective of a reader -your prospective audience- who just wants to see something better on this site than the "Hyuchiacest Gone Wild!" swill that has taken over in the past couple of years.
Then again, I ask quite a few questions on this page, that no one has bothered to answer for me yet - so maybe the whole thing has been a complete waste of time.

THAT POOR RETARDED GIRL HAS GONE BLIND FROM SYPHILIS! PLEASE, WON’T YOU THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

If you're looking for good stories, check my Favorites. Try 'The Best Laid Plans', or 'Never Cut Twice' if you want to see the kind of high-quality stories that used to be posted here. Then be sure to go and post glowing feedback for one of the bajillion "Hyuchiacest!" crapfics and thank them for killing this site.