What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

14 - Wedding Balls

Just one look around told her that it wasn't her kind of scene. It just seemed like the type of place that attracted degenerate lowlifes, though this was assuredly of the female kind. Temari wasn't quite sure if such a place existed in her home country but she did live a pretty sheltered life between her father having been the Kazekage and her little brother pretty much killing anyone that looked at him weird.

Still, Ino had come across this particular male strip club after having done her 'research' and had told everyone it had come 'highly recommended'. The Suna woman wasn't sure exactly who the blond had asked but she was quite sure she wasn't going to enjoy it.

Still, for some reason Sakura had entrusted her childhood rival the task of planning her bridal party and most likely for the simple fact that she was carrying Naruto's child, Temari had been invited along with the rest of the women in the Uzumaki household.

Temari did think that letting Fuu accompany them was perhaps going a bit too far but she knew that the girl had seen much worse on possibly a daily basis so she didn't bother arguing the point.

"Sorry you can't drink," Saya said, giving her an apologetic smile as she clutched a bottle in her hand. Temari just shook her head.

"I don't miss it," she said, not mentioning what a lightweight she was, "Besides, the baby is almost here, not to mention I'm already pre-pregnant with the next one."

She caught the barest of flinches from the girl at the mention of that. The blonde had always carried a suspicion that the brunette was infatuated with Naruto for a long time, despite his obvious shortcomings. Azusa had all but confirmed it in one of their many conversations and she wondered what the girl would do about it. They had both committed to let Saya and Naruto resolve it themselves if it came to it.

"Wooo! Yeah!" Ino yelled out, raising her drink to the man on stage. Fan she may not be, but even Temari could appreciate the sculpted body. It wasn't exactly the body of a ninja; moreover perhaps purposely crafted to be a figure of a stripper.

"Hmm…"

She looked over to her left, seeing Azusa watching the stage with an amused smile and not even the tiniest amount of desire in her gaze. Unlike the rest of the girls, she held a glass of what was very likely a much more expensive alcohol that she had finagled out of the bartender. How the woman was so refined all the time Temari had no idea, but she did learn a thing or two from living with her.

"Take it off, ooh yeah!"

At least Sakura seemed to be enjoying herself. Temari wasn't sure why the pink-haired girl was attracted to someone as forgettable as the man she was engaged to, but everyone had a preference she supposed.

The lights suddenly dimmed, surprising the girl. She heard some complaints from the others attending the bachelorette party but the rest of the club was filled with excited whispers. From what Temari could pick up, this was obviously a special event and something that the regulars greatly enjoyed.

"Ladies and ladies…" a voice announced, "Please put your hands together for the filthiest, dirtiest man to grace this stage."

"WOO!"

"YEAH!"

Several girls in the audience erupted in cheers, their starving eyes taking in the empty and illuminated stage.

"May I introduce the absolutely nastiest dancer we've had on this stage…"

Seeing the excited looks on Sakura and Ino's faces, Temari watched with a grudging anticipation.

"Rock. LEEEEEE!"

Konoha's very own Green Beast appeared on stage wearing his typical spandex outfit, holding onto a pole and eyes closed. Temari's gaze was suddenly tinged with horror and revulsion. Saya held a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide in disbelief and Azusa had somehow disappeared already. Neither Sakura nor Ino had anticipated this given the shocked looks on their faces.

"Who…" Lee said slowly, his voice groaning, "Who wants these clothes of mine?"

"Yeah!"

"Give them here Lee!"

"Take it off!"

The man struck a pose, a dramatic flourishing as he swung around the pole and looked at the ground, waiting for something. Temari didn't want to see this but she couldn't take her eyes off it.

"Isn't there someone out there that wants it? Anyone?"

"LEE!" a voice thundered, louder than any other she had heard that evening. It wasn't just any voice however. A light swiveled to the source of the voice only to reveal what would haunt her dreams for the foreseeable future.

"Gai-sensei," Lee called out, looking at the man with hopeful eyes. Gai slowly raised his arm, looking at his student with a grim expression and holding a fist out.

"Lee," he said, giving the man a thumbs up, "Take them off!"

"Gai-sensei…"

"Lee."

"WOO! TAKE IT OFF, ROCK!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

Slowly, Temari slid off her stool and silently walked out of the club where Azusa was waiting for her. She stubbornly held back her tears but Azusa patted her shoulder knowingly. Temari gave in.

Sometimes, it was okay to cry.

"Oi Minato! You here?"

Naruto walked over to the house that his parents had somehow built within his mindscape, completely ignoring the weeping Kyuubi. The fox's will had been broken long ago and nobody really bothered with him much anymore.

The blond walked into the house without preamble, looking around to find his father.

"Minato!" he called out again, frowning when he didn't get a reply, "Where the hell is he?"

"Oh, Naruto! I wasn't expecting you."

Kushina walked into the room instead. Her hair was still as long ever, a beautiful bright red and framing her pretty face perfectly. She was also completely topless as well, but Naruto was used to seeing her like this.

There was one article of clothing she did wear however, something that was tied around her hips and made the blond gape at her. It was less the cloth that bothered him and more the protrusion that extended from it, jet black and proudly pointing at him.

"Uh…" Naruto was caught speechless for a moment, but he immediately decided to not address it and focus on what he came here for.

"Uh, right. Hi Kushina, I was looking for Minato," he said. The redhead gave him an expectant look, making him grimace.

"Sorry," he apologized, "Hi mom."

She raised an eyebrow, still not replying as she waited for him to greet her correctly.

"Oh come on," he complained, but ultimately he gave in to the look on her face that only a mother could have.

"Hi… mommy," he said, the slightest bit of revulsion in his voice. Kushina had previously insisted that he address her like this just so she could get to experience having a young child. It was deeply disturbing for him.

"Is…" Naruto closed his eyes as he had to ready himself to say the next bit without losing his mind, "is… daddy here?"

Kushina sighed happily, holding a hand to her cheek as she smiled at him.

"I'm afraid your father is too prolapsed to talk right now," she told him, shaking her hips. The dildo attached to her pelvis shook with the movement; it was absolutely massive, about as thick and long as his forearm.

The blond desperately tried not to imagine it.

"Maybe I can help you?" she said, walking over to the kitchen table and pulling up a chair. The blond followed her, sitting nearby but also making great care to not be anywhere near her strap-on.

"Well, since Sakura is getting married and I was her teammate when we were kids, she wants me to give a speech," he explained, "I was looking for some advice, and was wondering if you guys remembered anything from your wedding that I could rip off of."

"I'm afraid your father and I didn't quite have much of a wedding," she told him, "Actually, we barely remember the ceremony. It's quite hazy to be honest. A long, pleasurable haze."

Of course it was. Naruto just shook his head forlornly. He wasn't sure why he thought to ask his parents about a wedding speech. He wasn't even sure why he would bother preparing a speech instead of just winging it.

Then again, since all the girls had gone to Sakura's bridal shower and Naruto had already thrown Kongou his bachelor 'party', consisting of giving the man a coupon to a mediocre burger place and sending him on his way, the blond had grown bored.

"Still, don't let that stop you from asking me for advice," Kushina said, "It's actually not all that hard to give a decent wedding speech. You do have some talent in speechcraft, given you're the Chief of Police."

"That's true," Naruto said, rubbing his chin absentmindedly, "I mean, not that I've been all that active lately since I've started up my new business. Actually, I think I remember Neji talking about crime going up several percent since then."

"Well, since you have a decent amount of history with both the bride and groom, I'd say to not make it too short," Kushina said, "Though obviously you have more to say about Sakura. I'd say you should start with your time together as kids."

"With Kakashi and Sasuke, huh?"

"Sure," she said, "Keep it pleasant, maybe toss in a few jokes here and there. Then maybe compliment her looks in her wedding dress. And I'm sure she wants children in the future, so talk about that a bit."

"Kids huh?" Naruto pondered a bit, before blinking, "You know, I might regret asking this, but what the hell happened when I was born? I think Tsunade was telling me how you were the previous container for the Kyuubi. There's gotta be a story there."

"Ah, now that's kind of embarrassing actually," Kushina said, her cheeks dusted with a red, "Though I guess there's no harm in telling you."

"Well, I suppose I should tell you about the seal that I had, since it was quite different from the one you have," she explained, "My seal was based on a two lock system and required both locks to be opened simultaneously to release the beast. It was a bit simple, I'm afraid. But even I didn't know the specifics in regards to what a lock or a key constituted."

"Anyway, the night my water broke was actually very long. I mean, you didn't start coming out right as my water broke, it actually took a long time. I think both your father and I got quite bored waiting for you to come. I'm not sure who suggested it first, but we decided to do something to help the process along," she said, grinning sheepishly.

Naruto palmed his face.

"Don't tell me…"

"Heh, when we started having sex, it actually helped push you along," she said, "You started coming out not long after, but Minato and I were actually really getting into it, so we tried to delay it a little bit."

"God," Naruto muttered, shaking his head, "You're fucking kidding me."

"But you were a pushy little bugger," she continued, "So I told Minato to give me some sweet anal loving instead."

"Oh God," Naruto said, "Stop."

Unfortunately for the blond jinchuuriki, Kushina did not heed his pleading and continued unhindered. He tried desperately to drown out her voice as she went into detail of their lovemaking that he had unwittingly been a part of.

"As it turned out, with you coming out of my vagina and Minato in my butt, it apparently counted as the two keys in the two locks that kept the Kyuubi sealed up in me, and we ended up releasing it," she explained.

"What the shit…"

Kushina giggled.

"One could say that you, Kyuubi, Minato and I all came on that day, hehe."

"Motherfuck."

Naruto had never been to a wedding before. He and the rest of the household were all dressed to impress with the best formalwear that the Uchiha name could buy. One might argue that using funds allocated to the Uchiha Police Force on personal expenditures was inappropriate, but nobody ever dared make an enemy out of the blond so they kept quiet.

The hall that Sakura had rented was impressive, large enough to seat all of the wedding guests which included a large assortment of shinobi and small gathering of civilians. Naruto was familiar with many of the ninja in attendance having known them from when he was younger, though there were several that he had never met, obviously those that worked with Sakura as med-nin. The civilians in attendance were her family and their close friends, though Naruto had never met them either.

"Naruto, you're here!"

"I was invited," he replied defensively to the approaching Ino, causing her to blink.

"What? I know you were invited, yeesh," she said, putting a hand on her hip, "What I meant was that you've finally arrived. You need to go see Sakura."

Naruto blinked.

"She's hiding in some room, right? Why should I go see her?" he asked. Ino just shrugged.

"She asked to see you," Ino told him, "Though why, I don't know."

Beside her, Shikamaru let out a long-suffering sigh.

"Maybe she wants a last-minute pre-marriage going-away fuck," Naruto suggested, "I'm clearly the best man for the job."

"Or it's probably because as her teammate, you're the closest thing she has to a brother," Shikamaru corrected, making him blink.

"Kinky," Naruto said, waggling his eyebrows, making Ino roll her eyes and scoff.

"Somebody come quick!"

"Holy shit, he's here!"

"What's he doing here!?"

At the sound of all the commotion, Naruto wandered over to all the people looking at one particular person, the apparent wedding crasher.

"What the hell is going on? Who is this?" Kongou, the groom, asked as he walked over. A bit away, a Sakura walked into the hall and stood beside Naruto, looking apprehensive at what might have interrupted the happiest day of her life.

Naruto peered at the intruder for a moment before his eyes widened in recognition.

"Sasuke!?"

Uchiha Sasuke, the long-time missing-nin looked around the room, a small smile on his face as he caught sight of some of the people that he recognized from his youth. When he saw Naruto and Sakura standing side by side, his smile grew wider.

"I'm back," he said, his voice poignant with emotion, "I'm finally back."

"What the hell are you doing here, you traitorous Uchiha bastard?" Kiba snarled at him. Sasuke frowned at Kiba's comment.

"Traitor? I'm no traitor, dog-breath."

"Wait, what?" Sakura asked, eyes wide in shock, "But… but you left!"

Sasuke nodded.

"I was given a covert-ops mission to infiltrate Orochimaru's Sound Village by the Third Hokage before he passed," Sasuke explained, "Now that Orochimaru is dead and Akatsuki is basically gone as well, I can finally come home."

"Buh wuh?"

"I explained this all to Naruto a while back," the dark-haired hero told them, "I asked him to let you all know that once I'd finished tying up loose ends, I would be back. I was kind of in a sticky situation because with the Third Hokage dead, there wasn't anyone who knew the true story behind why I left, but somehow I managed to convince Naruto to believe me."

Everyone stared at the man in shock, before their gazes slowly shifted accusingly at Naruto who squirmed on the spot.

"I told Naruto that I would be back to marry you, Sakura," Sasuke said, smiling softly at the woman, "I know that I was cold to you as a kid, but don't ever think I didn't appreciate you. Thank you for always believing in me."

Sakura blushed at Sasuke's sincere words and expression, causing Kongou to scowl. Sasuke's gaze shifted to the fidgeting blond next.

"And you, Naruto," he said, "I don't know how you knew I was coming back today, you crafty bastard. I can't believe you managed to arrange for Sakura's and my wedding to be on the exact day and time I came back."

"Uh, yeah," Naruto said, "I, uh, put a lot of work into it. Actually, I even held on to your family name for you, and started up the Uchiha police force for you to take over once you got back. It's all ready for you to take the reins."

"You… you've done so much for me. I don't know how I could ever repay you. Thank you man, thank you for being the best friend a guy could ask for," Sasuke said, tears prickling the corners of his eyes.

Naruto, slightly pale from everything that Sasuke had revealed, nodded slowly. He knew he had just barely dodged a kunai.

"Yeah," he said, "All planned. Worth."

"Now wait a damn minute," Kongou interrupted, "What do you mean your wedding?"

Sasuke looked at the bearded man and frowned.

"Who are you?" he asked, his eyes narrowed.

"I'm-"

"No one," Sakura cut in, rearing back and kicking the ex-groom viciously, knocking him out, "I think he snuck in here, actually. I'm glad you're finally here, Sasuke-kun. Now let's get married!"

Sasuke smiled, looking happier than anyone had ever seen him.

"Yes, let's. I love you, Sakura."

As everyone aww'd at the happy couple, Naruto wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.

The ceremony itself was very quick, with everything having been ready. The official ordaining the wedding was Tsunade, having been Sakura's mentor for so long; the blonde Hokage looked puzzled at how quickly the groom had changed but just as quickly ignored it in favor of marrying the couple. Naruto noticed her eyes wandering to the open bar.

After the two of them exchanged their vows and kissed, the crowd cheered for the newlyweds and speeches were quickly called for. Naruto largely ignored Ino's speech, not having the slightest interest in hearing the blonde blither on.

"Naruto, would you like to share some words?"

Seeing that he was finally called upon, the blond got up and walked over to the podium where a mic was set up. He cleared his throat before looking out over the crowd.

"So, I've known both the bride and the groom for a long time. Sakura from my childhood of course, and Kong- I mean Sasuke… also, uh, from my childhood," Naruto said, stuttering slightly as he almost mentioned the wrong groom, "Just looking at the two of them, you can tell that they're a happy couple. I'm happy for them that they found love in each other, especially only having known each other for a short time."

Sasuke's head tilted slightly, considering Naruto's words. Realizing what he just said, the blond jinchuuriki began to backtrack.

"Short time relatively," he corrected, "Relative to… uh… eternity… because that's how long I wish for your love to exist."

Sasuke, looking satisfied at Naruto's explanation, nodded in understanding. Sakura looked at Naruto murderously.

"I was gonna make some jokes about them having matching beards, the uh… groom on his face and Sakura down under, but… I guess Sasuke didn't grow a beard," Naruto said, trying to think about what parts of his planned speech he could still use. Some people in the audience muttered about what the blonde had just said, looking a bit scandalized. Sasuke just chuckled, shaking his head fondly.

"Sakura," Naruto said, addressing her directly, "I hope you have the marriage you've always dreamed of having, even if it's not Sas- I mean… especially since it's the person you've always dreamed of marrying. Kami knows you had eyes only for him. I can't remember the number of times I've been rejected, hah."

Sakura smiled at the memories and a few people in the crowd chuckled at Naruto's self-deprecating joke. He made sure to remember each and every face of those that did.

"And I know you want children, so I hope you get the best of them," he said, "Just remember that giving birth can be a mind-scarring process."

His mind wandered to what Kushina had told him, and he couldn't help the words that flowed out of him, carrying his pain and sorrow.

"It reminds me of the story of my own birth, actually," he said, "My mom told me recently how exactly I came into this world: with my dad fucking her in her ass."

The crowd gave him horrified looks at this point, not believing what he had just said.

"I'm sure you're wondering how my mom would have told me this, considering she's dead. Turns out she and my dad managed to tie their souls to mine before they died and are now residing in my head, spending most of their time sexing one another," he explained, "Whoops, went off on a tangent there. Anyway, I learned from her that apparently it's possible for a woman to have an orgasm during birth. She told me that giving birth to me was basically the biggest thing she's ever had in her pussyhole, and she had never come that hard before."

"Holy shit."

"Mommy, what is he saying?"

"Cover your ears dear, just keep them covered."

"What in the actual fuck?"

Naruto continued, undeterred and unhearing as he relived his own personal tragedy.

"In fact," he said, "She said they actually pushed me back in a few times so she could keep achieving that same high over and over again. They panicked a bit when they almost strangled me to death with the umbilical cord, but there wasn't any permanent damage apparently, haha."

"But yeah, I hope you have a loving marriage and a decent birthing experience, Sakura," Naruto said, toasting the dumbstruck bride before moving on to Sasuke.

"Now as for Mr. Sasuke over here, my buddy," Naruto said, smiling at him as if he hadn't just told the audience the most horrifying thing most of them had ever heard in their lives, "Who doesn't remember this guy from when we were genin."

"He had girl after girl throwing themselves at him, but Sasuke completely ignored them in favor of training," he said, chuckling, "Well, I'm sure you can all guess what the training actually was."

Naruto made an 'O' with his hand and moved it back and forth slowly, simulating Sasuke having masturbated a lot. A few people let out tentative chuckles, unsure if they should be doing so. Unfortunately for all the wedding guests, the blond didn't stop his joke when he should have.

His hand began into increase in speed, the back and forth movements going from smooth to erratic. Naruto stuck his tongue out and began rolling his eyes to the back of his head, his hand becoming a blur. This went on for a solid minute, during which time the audience grew restless and uncomfortable.

"Dude."

"Dude, stop."

"Come on man, holy fuck."

Naruto finally stopped with a loud groan and a simulated explosion with his fingers, chuckling as his joke was finally over.

"Hehe, classic Sasuke," he said, much to the Uchiha scion's embarrassment, "Anyway… good luck to you two! If ever you need someone to give Sakura a good dicking, don't hesitate to give me a call!"

The hall was completely silent, all of them watching as the blond went over to join their Hokage at the bar. Nobody knew what to say.

"Hokage-sama."

The Third Hokage looked up from book he was reading to notice that none other than Uchiha Sasuke stood before him, dressed to impress. Sarutobi couldn't help but feel annoyed at the boy for revealing the 'mission' that he had given him. He didn't think Sasuke would have taken him so seriously. Then again, almost all of the Uchiha were pretty crazy in their heads.

It didn't matter to Tsunade, who had chewed him out for it and put even more restrictions on his indefinite stay in Konoha.

"Sasuke-kun," he said, injecting a grandfatherly tone into his voice, "How are you, child?"

Sasuke smiled at him, bowing his head slightly in a gesture of respect for his elder.

"I had heard you were discovered alive," the Uchiha scion said, "At first, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. But here you are in the flesh. I'm glad you survived that day, Sandaime-sama. I really missed you."

"I missed you as well, my boy," you monkey-less fuckface, "I'm glad to see you are back. And newly married as well, haha! Congratulations."

"Thank you," Sasuke said appreciatively, "I know you must have had your reasons, and far be it for me to question them, but I wanted to ask why it is that you hadn't come back for so long? I wasn't sure if I ever could come back because you told me nobody but yourself would know of the mission."

"Ah yes, that… well I'm afraid that my battle with Orochimaru really did a number on me. Most of my time away was just a long haze," Sarutobi told him.

Sasuke nodded as he caught a glimpse of the book the Third was reading.

"I see you're reading another book? 'Mating Rituals of Monkeys'." Sasuke read off the cover, "Ah, I suppose since you can summon familiars from the Monkey Clan, you're doing some research into the topic? How admirable."

"Yes," Sarutobi said, nodding his head sagely, "Yes, it is admirable. Anyway, how goes your pursuit of your brother? You know, the one that killed your entire family. The one that left only you alive and gave you horrific memories and made you relive them for hours on end."

"Er..." Sasuke paused at the unusually descriptive comment, "I decided to give up on chasing down Itachi for revenge. I spent a long time alone as per the mission details you gave me and did a lot of thinking over that time. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it just isn't worth it, living like that."

"That was a different person," Sasuke admitted, "I think I'd just rather be happy."

Sarutobi smiled at him, though Sasuke oddly felt that the man's smile seemed more condescending than sincere but shrugged it off, chalking it up to an overactive imagination.

"I'm glad, my boy," he said.

"Though I guess the only irritating question is about why he did it in the first place," Sasuke mentioned, "I still don't know what drove him to do such a thing."

Sarutobi stroked his beard gently, thinking back.

"I wonder…"

-flashback-

"PFFFFFFFFFFF!"

"Damn that's some strong shit," Sarutobi said, "Where'd you get this anyway, Danzo?"

"You don't want to know," the one-eyed man replied, "Just enjoy it."

Sarutobi leaned back in his chair, letting out a long sigh.

"I'm bored man," he said to his companion as he gazed up at the ceiling, "So damn bored."

"Well…" Danzo started hesitantly, "If you're really that bored, I did get a hold of something that will really fuck you up."

The crippled man pulled a pipe out from his robe, a sinister aura permeating from it. Sarutobi stared at it for a moment before grinning.

"I have an idea," he said, making Danzo raise an eyebrow in intrigue.

"Itachi!" Sarutobi called out, causing the young Uchiha ninja to appear within a moment's notice.

"Hokage-sama," Itachi said in a reverent tone, his head bowed. Sarutobi gestured Itachi towards the pipe that Danzo was holding.

"Smoke it," he told the teenager. Itachi eyed the pipe in hesitation.

"Uh…"

Something flashed in the Hokage's eyes that frightened the boy, and he reached out and gingerly took the pipe from Danzo.

"It itches," Itachi said, scratching feverishly, "Everything itches."

Everything was blurry, he couldn't focus or even think straight, and for some reason he couldn't even muster the energy to channel his chakra or activate his Sharingan.

"Hey Itachi."

A fairly similar voice whispered in his ear, but being so out of it, Itachi wasn't able to place exactly where he knew it from. All he could remember was a feeling of reverence and respect for it.

"Itachi… your clan is planning a takeover of the village," it said, "You need to kill them Itachi… kill them all."

"What, what are you talking about?"

There was some giggling in the background, making the scene even more confusing for the Konoha ninja.

"Think he'll do it?"

"Nah, but I wanna see him freak out."

"Freak out?" Itachi repeated, still not in a frame of mind to make sense of what was being said around him.

"You gotta kill them all, Itachi, before it's too late."

"They- they wouldn't," Itachi said. If there was one thing he knew, it was that he loved his family and as uptight as they could be, they were loyal to the village and would never plan a coup.

There was a brief moment of silence, as the whispers faded for a moment, letting Itachi rest for a moment. His eyes closed as he tried to relax.

"They're going to ban Pocky."

"WHAT!"

"Ugh…" Itachi groaned as he woke up. With what little strength he could muster, he pushed up off the ground, clutching his aching head.

"What… what happened?"

"Itachi!"

Groggily, Itachi looked over to see none other than the Third Hokage kneeling before him.

"Hokage-sama?" he asked, his voice hoarse, "I can't remember last night. What's going on?"

The Third Hokage looked as grim as he'd ever seen him, making Itachi shiver dreadfully. He knew something was terribly wrong.

"Holy shit Itachi, do you even know what you did?"

-end flashback-

"I guess I'll just have to live with not knowing," Sasuke said, sighing.

"Yes," the former Hokage said, "Some things are better left forgotten. Anyway, go enjoy your wedding day."

"Thank you, Sandaime-sama," Sasuke said, smiling, "Just like Naruto, I owe you so much. I don't know how I'll ever repay you."

"I'm sure we can think of something," the Third replied promptly, already thinking of a few things.

Noticing the two of them sitting and chatting in the corner, Naruto sauntered over in hopes of forcibly inserting himself into their conversation, even if they didn't want him around and it made everything very awkward.

"Hey there, m'ladies," he said, dragging out the word, "What are you doing all the way over here?"

"Hello, Naruto," Ayame said, smiling brilliantly at him, a knowing smirk on her face. Saya on the other hand, suddenly looked very nervous. Despite his sometimes obtuseness, Naruto noticed it very quickly and pointed it out to her.

"What's wrong, Saya?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing, "Did something happen?"

Ayame nudged her in the side, causing the brunette to jerk at the sudden contact.

"Come on, Saya, do it," she said, making Naruto to feel taken aback. Saya looked at her feet for a moment before her head jerked up and she gazed at Naruto intensely.

"Naruto," she said, "I…"

She paused, looking over at Ayame for a moment. The other brunette gave the girl an encouraging look.

"We," she corrected, "have something to talk to you about. In private. Can we talk?"

Naruto felt hesitant for a moment, but he could tell how nervous Saya was feeling. This was obviously important for the girl so he swallowed his hesitance immediately.

"Uh, yeah, sure," he said. The three of them left the room together, finding a private room in which they could converse alone.

"So… what's up?" Naruto asked, breaking the silence in the room. Saya took a deep breath as she looked at him intensely. The blond gulped involuntarily.

"I'm in love with you," she blurted out. Both of his eyebrows rose dramatically and he leaned back in shock. Naruto had always sensed the feelings between the two of them, but he had never imagined either of them would ever acknowledge them, especially not so out of the blue like this.

"I don't know why," Saya said, "I mean, you're a complete asshole and so incredibly rude to others for very petty reasons. But I can't ignore my feelings, no matter how much you don't deserve for someone to love you. I've felt like this for so long and I couldn't take it any more."

Naruto stared at her, frozen at her confession. As she finished her short, impromptu, and admittedly hurtful speech, he took the opportunity to reply to her.

"Saya, I… I love yo-"

"Yeah yeah, shut up," Saya said, cutting him off immediately, "I don't care how you feel. I know what your personality is like and no matter what I do or say, I know that you're just not a one woman man. I know that I'd never have you to myself and it would just be shitty for me if I tried to commit to a monogamous relationship with you."

"Uh…"

"What I wanted to tell you is… well…" she took a deep breath, getting ready to finally admit the truth she had been holding back, "I'm bisexual and I've been dating Ayame for a while now. It's serious between us."

"Wha?" Naruto's mouth dropped as he stared at the two girls, flabbergasted. Ayame's smirk widened and she gave him a cheery wave.

"You heard that right," Ayame said, "Anyway, the point that we're trying to make is that, against all odds, I'm also quite interested in you and I managed to convince Saya for having the three of us to... 'share a bed', so to speak."

Naruto's mouth dropped even further, as he stared at the two of them in complete awe.

"I'm in love with both of you," Saya said, "I know that I'll never get the commitment that comes in a relationship from you, so I'll just be getting that aspect from Ayame. But we reserve the right to get priority for dates and… night-time activities over your random one-night stands."

"Or day-time activities, we're not picky," Ayame interjected, winking at him.

"What do you say?" Saya asked, finally finished. Naruto absentmindedly noticed that she looked as relieved as he had ever seen her. She had finally bore her heart out for him.

"Yes," he said, "Holy fuck, yes, of course."

"Told ya," Ayame said, grinning.

"This… this isn't a prank, is it?" Naruto said, looking around the room for any hidden occupants. Saya just smiled at him, making him feel nervous. With a decisive movement, she stepped forward and firmly locked her lips with his.

Naruto felt her hands hold onto the sides of his head, and his own came up to hug her. It was their first ever kiss with each other.

"I reserve the right to prank you whenever in the future," Saya said after finally breaking away from him, "But this isn't a prank."

"Holy shit," Naruto said, shock in his voice, "This is unbelievable."

"I know, right?" Ayame said wryly, "What a lucky guy you are."

"No, for real," he said, "This kinda shit is like… way out there. People don't have three-way relationships. It just doesn't happen."

"Stop bragging," Saya said, blushing as she grinned brilliantly to herself. She looked elated. Ayame laughed at the look at her face, grabbing her hand and pulling the brunette to herself and sharing a very tender kiss with her.

"I did it," Saya whispered to the her girlfriend as they broke their kiss. Ayame touched her head to Saya's.

"I knew you could do it," she said, breaking away after a peaceful moment, "Now come on, let's go get DRUNK! Time to celebrate!"

Grabbing Naruto with her other hand, Ayame dragged the two of them out of the room. As they left, Saya and Naruto caught each other's eyes. Joyous grins erupted on their faces.

"Ugh," Naruto groaned as he woke up, his head aching. It wasn't a bed he recognized; the blond realized he was still in the hotel where the wedding had taken place. The blond rubbed his eyes as he tried to remember last night.

He remembered Saya's confession after only a moment, making him smile to himself. He still couldn't believe it had actually happened. It was everything he wanted and more. He remembered getting drunk off his ass as well, celebrating his newfound relationship with vigor. He remembered stumbling into the room with both Ayame and Saya, but didn't remember much after that.

Naruto grinned slightly as he realized what must have happened after that. As he began applying chakra to his head to relieve his hangover, he heard a female groan coming from under the sheets. His grin widened as he realized who it was.

Grabbing the sheet with both hands, the blond jinchuuriki ripped them off.

And everything went horribly wrong.

"Ugh… good morning, Naruto," Choujiqua said, "Last night was fun, huh?"

"No," Naruto whispered, horrified.

"Yes," she replied.

"No."

"Yes," Choujiqua repeated, nodding her head with a small smile.

"No. Oh God," he said, jumping away from the bed, "No! NOOOOOOOOO!"

As the horrified blond ran from the room, the door to the closet opened and both Saya and Ayame came out, holding each other as they giggled uncontrollably.

"Thanks for helping us prank him, Choujiqua," Saya said, smiling at the man-turned-woman. The dark-skinned Akimichi gave them a thumbs up, chuckling.

"Well, that will teach him to ever take us for granted in the future," Ayame said, still laughing, "Anyway… tell me. How was your first time, Saya?"

"It hurt like a bitch," Saya said, rolling her eyes but smiling nonetheless, "But I'm glad it was with two of the people I love most in the world."

"What do you think are the chances we can get Azusa-san to join us next time?" Ayame asked with a grin.

"Ayame!" Saya said, swatting her with a scandalized look on her face. The girl in question just laughed.

"I'll take that as a 'very high'."

AN: Well, holy fuck.

(For those that like to skip ahead to read the AN, spoilers for the chapter ahead!)

So, almost everything in this chapter was planned so long ago that it's just such a... relief to finally get it out there. That Lee joke was chambered for well over a year (maybe even two), an obvious reference to his fight with Gaara in the chuunin exams from the anime.

And the biggest one that I've planned from the beginning: Sasuke is the good guy! Yep, despite how much this story has evolved (or rather, devolved) since it's inception, Sasuke was always meant to be the hero. I guess it became more of the fact that Sasuke isn't just the good guy, he's genuinely a good guy. Unlike Naruto who's an utter piece of shit, of course. Like, for real, it's not a joke, not a prank. Sasuke is one of the nice guys; he's a legitimate good person and hero in this story. He's overcome the darkness from his life and attempted to make amends and find happiness. A genuine role model. If that upsets anyone who hates Sasuke as a character, I'm glad. I hope it pissed you right off, because it's everything WNN is about.

The scene with Kushina and Naruto's wedding speech was impromptu actually, as well as the story of his birth. I don't know how it came to me, but it's disgusting and hilarious. I laughed my ass off while writing it. All I had for that scene was the phrase "I'm afraid your father is too prolapsed to talk right now", and everything in those two scenes built from that.

The truth about the Uchiha clan massacre: planned as long as three chapters ago. With that, we've covered WNN's version of Konoha's major historic events. These include the fight between Madara and Hashirama (over weed), what happened with the Kyuubi during Naruto's birth, and finally the Uchiha massacre. Fucking glorious, haha.

And finally, this chapter actually ended on a tender note if I do say so. I wrapped up the whole Saya-Naruto situation, while keeping it relatively true to what WNN became (aka Naruto's womanizing ways). From what I remember when I first started writing this story, it was actually supposed to be a completely one-on-one relationship between Naruto and Saya, but needs must I guess. You can see me poke some fun at the harem trope in here a little bit.

And lastly, only one more chapter left! I'm still working on finalizing the content (I write extensive notes for every scene before writing them, so I'm still about a quarter-to-third way through that), but it'll wrap up a bunch of things. Holy shit, it's almost done.

Anyway, I hope you had fun (or, alternatively, were very pissed off). Make sure to review!

knuckz

PS: In case anyone here reads Residuum, my RWBY fic, I've been busy but I plan to get back to writing for it hopefully soon.