My name is Kelsey

I was born on Oct. 14th, 1987. I got my tattoo. It's a winged panther with two different colored eyes like me. I put it on my arm.

My strengths are that I'm creative, open-minded, compassionate, thoughtful, and intelligent. I work extremely hard, and I'm quite punctual. I'm honest, generous, and strive to be respectful. Moreover, I'm an excellent problem solver.

My flaws are the following. Short-temper, impatience, can be a bitch when I want to. I lack much with social skills and tend to dominate a conversation. I'm easily frustrated, and numerous ordinary things, such as filling up a gas tank, are more difficult for me.

My skills, I'm a terrific bowler, can throw a ball farther and harder than anyone else. I can spin a ball on any of my fingers. Give great massages though I never took a lesson. I am extremely talented with words that improve my writing furthermore, reading a lot too.

Things you may not know. I'm a Libra, have type O blood, and two different colored eyes. One blue other green. I've petted a joey once; I've also gone to Niagra Falls and dream of going to Venice. My favorite color is green, and I'm a meat-eater. I've over 122 stuffed animals, including my most precious possession, Perdy, my doll. I plan to be laid to rest with her.

I'm people who've genuinely loving and pure hearts. Who understands that what matters in life is friends and family. That why my hero is Sailor Moon, also, and Atem and Yugi are never far from my mind.

I'm a decent artist, so if you'd all like to check it out, please go to Google and type in my name Kelseyalicia and you'll find my DA page. Therefore I hope that helps.

Though I can't post any amvs on Youtube link I do have loads of favorite several of the done for me. You're welcome to check them out as well.

I'm incredibly passionate about animation and love to become a voice actress someday. Some professionals told me from a one night class that I was the most natural talent person they'd heard before. I believe its a lot more challenging to act with just your voice then when you see your own body.

I'll watch any movie, besides for parodies, really really stupid ones or horror.

I care about the world, along with all who dwell in it. I wish humanity would wake up and realize that we're one race. Humans. Not White, Blacks, Latinos, or Asians. Just humans.

We all live under the same sky with the same sun and moon. We all eat and drink the same food proved by the Earth. We all have hopes, dreams, thoughts, and feelings. We're all mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers.

Everyone is different. No two people are the same, yet we are one race, so it is foolish what we have done to one another and this world.

We all want to be free to be ourselves. The only one that can save humanity from self-induced genocide is itself. That can only be done by genuinely learning from the past, both the good and evil, to make a better future.

We all need to remember life is about POV, Perspective, and Choice. Everyone sees things differently, yet we all need to learn genuine respect, agree to disagree, and think about the choice we make and how they affect others.

There is no real normal, nor is there perfect either in life. Both are mere illusion, as is power. Also, we all will make mistakes in life. Every single person who lives will have made mistakes, have regrets, been selfish, and have been a jerk, jackass, or bitch. It's okay; we're human. As long as we act with love, then we are human. Sometimes we all need to be a little bad and stupid, or we'd go crazy.

Life and time will teach more than a textbook, and you can draw wisdom from anything. I've been greatly enlightened and found a lot of clarity from what I've seen and read.

One thing I've learned is that for me is this. God is simple every person's interpretation of what will give them hope and faith in life. So no matter how hard life gets, there is something worth believing in this world.

Killing is wrong. To kill is cut one's humanity out willingly. To forsake the ability to love and the soil we tread upon is already stained enough.

I firmly believe that everything and anything is possible. That reality is what you make it, and if something real in your heart its real enough.

We all are equal, for no one is better or worse. We might be better at doing something, yet we're still similar, and everyone deserves to be treated fairly by one another. Respect and kindness go a long way. In life, there will always be someone better than you at something. You need to be better, and then you were the day before. The only person ever truly stopping in life is yourself.

Money, in my eyes, does a lot more harm than good.

To me, love is the only real power that exists. It's our humanity and immortality. For it's not defined by age, race, religion, creed time, or gender.

True diversity isn't merely limited to things you'd typically think of. Our difference is as diverse as the world itself. Each demands respect and consideration.

I love to read, write, draw, and watch T.V. This merely what I do. For all that I am is what's inside my heart soul. That's who I am. Enjoy all my stories, for they come from my heart.

Mark Twain's Rules of Good Writing

1. A tale shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere.
2. The episodes of a tale shall be necessary parts of the tale and shall help develop it.
3. The personages in a tale shall be alive, except in the case of corpses, and that always the reader shall be able to tell the corpses from the others.
4. The personages in a tale, both dead and alive, shall exhibit a sufficient excuse for being there.
5. When the personages of a tale deal in conversation, the talk shall sound like human talk, and be talking such as human beings would be likely to talk in the given circumstances, and have a discoverable meaning, also a discoverable purpose, and a show of relevancy, and remain in the neighborhood of the subject in hand, and be interesting to the reader, and help out the tale, and stop when the people cannot think of anything more to say.
6. When the author describes the character of a personage in his tale, the conduct and conversation of that personage shall justify said description.
7. When a personage talks like an illustrated, gilt-edged, tree-calf, hand-tooled, seven-dollar Friendship's Offering at the beginning of a paragraph, he shall not talk like a Negro minstrel at the end of it.
8. Crass stupidities shall not be played upon the reader by either the author or the people in the tale.
9. Events shall be believable; the personages of a tale shall confine themselves to possibilities and let miracles alone; or, if they venture a miracle, the author must so plausibly set it forth as to make it look possible and reasonable.
10. The author shall make the reader feel a deep interest in the personages of his tale and their fate; and that he shall make the reader love the good people in the tale and hate the bad ones.
11. The characters in the tale are so clearly defined that the reader can tell beforehand what each will do in a given emergency.

In addition to these large rules, there are some little ones. These require that the author shall:

1. Say what he is proposing to say, not merely come near it.
2. Use the right word, not its second cousin.
3. Eschew surplusage.
4. Not omit the necessary details.
5. Avoid slovenliness of form.
6. Use good grammar.
7. Employ a simple, straightforward style.

My writing mentor Yemi Hikair's advice

That's good except for the fact she needs to get to know Hiro before deciding something like that, but she wouldn't conclude he's got split personalities right away or be the first. It might not even be evident until after he gets institutionalized.

As for your chapters – need work, but it might be better to think of the story in plot points rather than episodes. Plot points can involve more than one section, but thinking of them first can help in setting up the chapters. I've got notes regarding the parts, but also things regarding split personalities.

Chapter 1 – That sounds like an info dump, but a lot to cover in just one chapter. Typically when dealing with the disorder, writers try to alternate between the different personas to show what it is like. By this, I mean, in one chapter, the character would be Hiro, and the next chapter would involve Kage.

Typically the transition points or cliffhangers are at the point where one personality switches off and the other switches on. Part of the draw for readers is going to be the alternate personality, but also how the relationship between Zeta and Kage builds up.

What you think of as one chapter would be quite a few covering multiple days, even possibly a few months, depending on where you would need to time skip. But skipping over the relationship development between the two – the relationship development is part of the fun of a romance. Along with the conflicts the couple face in regards to their relationship. Plus, building it up, when you hit your middle or climax – it will be even more rewarding for the writers.

Chapter 2 – I think it would be more likely that Kage would write the stories than Hiro. But making the Kage personality out to be a daydream will make Kage seem more like an alter ego than an alternative personality. It defeats the purpose of the split personality. The person whose traumatized copes by developing the split personality and will not actively deal with the trauma, but the split personality will find some coping mechanism which sometimes involves splintering into another personality, or in this case, writing down daydreams. It's also Kage who would write down the kind of person he wants to be with, but he'd call them girlfriend rather than a lover as he's only fourteen. Hiro, on the other hand, would be focusing on what he does best because the split personality would allow him to do that. By this, I mean his anxiety would be non-existent because Kage would personify it.

Chapter 3 – The above isn't to say that Hiro wouldn't notice discrepancies, nor does it mean his friends and family wouldn't see either? You don't want to tell the reader the inconsistencies, but show them one at a time. Figuring out what the discrepancies are and how they reveal along with how characters will react to each one. This determines how many chapters you have. But even then – let's say I've planned a story out to be twenty-chapter and got twice that as the plot naturally developed and more plot threads showed up. Discrepancies include blackouts of time, not finishing things a person should, finding themselves in a place they don't recognize, forgetting promises, that kind of thing.

Chapter 4 – You actually don't have to spend that much time delving into why Kage exists. By this, I mean three chapters setting him up to appear. The summary and first chapter will have set this up somehow. Kage's first actions don't have to be that extreme to start off either, but could only be going to where he hears the bad kids in town – kids who don't go to Hiro's school go, so even the face paint wouldn't be needed, yet face paint would so draw the attention of the cops. Also, it doesn't need to be his friends and family getting hurt, but one episode of bullying gone too far. You've also got the issue of a fourteen-year-old being out late at night.

Chapter 5 – I'm not sure what this would add to the story, but a noticeable fourteen-year-old getting himself into a rave – not likely. You want her to be a strong character, yet Kage is rescuing her, yet they're okay with gambling with a fourteen-year-old. It would be better if they worked together on escaping rather than making her out into what's called a "Damsel in Distress." It's fine to have a female character who can kick butt, but Hiro, in this story, needs a significant other who is willing to fight for him just as much as he as Kage is ready to fight for her, but she'll also battle for Kage.

Chapter 6 – I think it would be nice if they met sooner.

Chapter 7 – It feels like you're trying to get the friends and family out of the way of him being able to roam free, yet this isn't needed. There are windows Kage can sneak out of, for example.

Chapter 8 – That's not quite how to split personalities work. Kage wouldn't start appearing during the day because he wants more freedom, but because more stressful events are happening in Hiro's life, but Kage wouldn't have been a day and night a thing in the first place.

Chapter 9 – Split personalities kick in because of stressful events, not merely because of wanting to escape. Yes, they are a form of escapism, but there is a need to escape. Kage likely isn't going to try and run away, but instead do small dates here and there, including the anti-hero stuff. The sleeping together would likely result from some major stressor where Hiro wouldn't feel as if he could seek comfort from either his brother, aunt, or friends, so he goes to her, and one thing leads to another. Yes, the date sounds super romantic but isn't realistic for two kids their age. Let them be kids rather than adults and more of high school sweethearts than college sweethearts.

Chapter 10 – Yes, his behavior would likely get him grounded eventually, but it may not be due to the night they slept with each other. His getting grounded might even be the trigger that leads to the event, but this would also mean police would, at some point, be out looking for him — added to Zeta's mistrust – more conflict for your story. You need to explain why Kage's personality isn't coming out or have Kage lay into his brother without revealing it isn't Hiro.

Chapter 11 – Would Zeta be trying to work up the courage, or waiting for the right moment to confront Kage and lay into him for not meeting up with her? She would have had to have had some set up for figuring out where she's from before this. She wouldn't talk to the group either. Hiro's more likely to think of her as cute or pretty, rather than hot, whereas it is Kage who thinks of her as sexy. He would be confused.

Chapter 12 – Yes and no. Her confronting him, yes. Him being okay with being told he has a split personality, no, but she may get furious with him before figuring it out and storm out if Kage doesn't confront her to protect Hiro. He's more likely to have a complete breakdown.

Chapter 13 – Split personalities are very good at covering, so no. He'll have already been investigating and finding out certain things. Even suspect Zeta of being a bad influence. Hiro will have been confused as to what he is talking about just as much as Zeta. He'd do the following on his own as well. Add to this. This completely defeats the purpose of Zeta telling them the truth as they already know.

Chapter 14/15 – So… the problem with these chapters is this. Someone discovering you have a split personality isn't enough to get you into a mental asylum. It's got to be a mental breakdown, but the first route is seeing counseling. She also wouldn't be so quick to give her life story.

16 – They don't get rid of the split personalities but integrate them into being one person again.

17 – You deal with mental illness, so I think you are aware of the fact that white therapy and meds can help there are still going to be off days, yet that doesn't mean his situation isn't better. I get wishing for these things to solve things, but some with mental illness get upset because they feel like the story is telling them, "all you have to do is see your therapist and take your meds, and everything will be okay".

It also plays into the misconception that people with mental illness should suck it up and deal with it, yet I doubt this is the kind of message you want your story to send. This doesn't mean any happy ending, more of the reality not being glossed over if that makes any sense.

She is already premarital sex. She's more likely to be taken in by one of the families of the female friends.

What are your major plot points?
- Kage is coming out because Hiro is stressed to protect Hiro, thus allowing Hiro to live what seems at first like a normal life.
- Kage meeting and getting to know Zeta over some time.
- Kage was doing things that are like dates with Zeta and bonding with her emotionally.
- Kage and Zeta sleeping together.
- Tadashi noticing something off
- Tadashi questioning Hiro about what is off.
- Tadashi is investigating what is going on.
- Tadashi being pissed off with what is going on.
- Hiro, not noticing anything is off.
- Hiro seeing something is off, but hiding it.
- Hiro noticing something is off and getting more agitated, and Kage is coming out more.
- Hiro is having a mental break down.
- Hiro is recovering from a mental break down and integrating Kage into himself.
- Resolution

In case you noticed, each of those plot points has a name appearing at the front with a lot of Kage's overlapping with Zeta's. This is what we call character arcs, but character arcs will, in fact, overlap. Kage's and Zeta's overlap a lot, but there may be other character arcs you want to explore. From the plot points/character arcs you can form a timeline and from there – then you can build an outline of what the chapters will be like, but sometimes you'll find you want to break a section up if something develops, yet you don't want to shove all of that plot point into one chapter. That's too much information for you and your readers to digest in one sitting – it's a good idea to go back and re-read what you've already written as you write.

To start building the timeline, you start by
- Kage coming out because Hiro is stressed to protect Hiro thus allowing Hiro to live what seems at first like a normal life.--
- Kage meeting and getting to know Zeta throughout time.--

You then reorganize the "—"s into the order they would logically happen in the story. Each "—" on the timeline could be a single chapter, or it could be multiple chapters. Try not to stack multiple "—" into one chapter unless you're writing a one-shot, but each section should have a beginning, middle and end just like the regular story, so if you think about that it might help you even if you do get multiple "—" into a chapter. (You may have a varying different amount of "—"s for each point as well, but even some "--." The process slowly breaks the story up into smaller and smaller parts, but you originally started with.

Beginning – Hiro's personality splits.
Rising – Kage meets Zeta
Climax – The an event that leads to Hiro getting put into the hospital.
Falling – Hiro stays in the mental hospital.
Conclusion – The happy ending.

Preplanning can be one of the most time-consuming parts of making a story – I have some I spent a week on, but another I spent five years on, but the more you have the story planned out, the less work one has to do as you write because it is already done.

You also don't have to stick to the plan rigidly, but what's important is finding the preplanning method which works best for you. Even the one I just gave you can be tweaked as you like. That, and making things easier for you once you get writing, is also important.

There are some beautiful things in there, but they need to be shuffled around a bit. Think of the clues.

Oh, and breaking your story up into smaller and smaller parts - that part of less is more.

I do recognize that. I didn't mention this in my other PM but thought about saying it. What you wrote feels like a rough draft. Still, I also know from my personal experience with how they teach writing in school they push for the perfect first draft, so this makes me think a lot of writers who only have a secondary education afraid of doing more than just that first draft. However, they want us to believe academics get things perfect on the first draft when, in reality, they don't. College professors and writers on that level go through quite a few selections, so we're in effect holding ourselves to an unrealistic standard. Even those academic writers aren't perfect.

Also, the other issue is you're missing quite a few tolls, other writers have, and you're learning to do everything on your own, which isn't a bad thing - it will just take longer. I've been there. That goes with finding your writing style, which can take time - it took two years for me to get to the first stage of that, another two for the next, step and more for the following to stages, so be patient with yourself is essential.

P.S. My writing has changed a LOT over ten years. One of the things I've learned about my O.C.s is that it helps to get to know them. I found I could write them better once I did that.

She's right in being proud of how you handled my criticism. I've got a list of excuses on my profile and why they're an issue, but you didn't use one of them. You had legit criticisms back, and even though the metaphysical burn is still too similar for my liking, you didn't word it as if it were something that invalidated my point but pointing out a fact regarding your story.

Tip: For future stories
1. Try working in what we call a fatal flaw. This helps humanize your O.C. and makes them relatable.
2. Think of your account in terms of what the beginning, middle, and end are. Rather than just the plot idea.
3. Think about what your conflicts and themes will be as well. They tend to go hand in hand. For example, an immature character who grows up will explore the idea of growing up, a character without friends will explore themes of friendship.
4. One of the things I see writers make the mistake of - even older ones - is thinking they have to cover the events of the series exactly, but going A.U. will have a cause and effect. For example, in your story, Zuko had a friend along with him on the journey. However, a lot of his journey is precedent on having no friends - only his Uncle.
5. There's something we call "willing suspense of disbelief," which also ties into cause and effect. You want to try and think about the probable cause and effects and avoid the illogical ones as much as possible, though this can take practice.

Last - read Mark Twain's rules for writing. It's a quick read you can find online, but trying to hit all of his rules for writing even for Fanfic can help improve your writing also if you don't catch all of them on your first try. For example, if you think about his first rule, "a tale shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere," you'll find yourself actively thinking about what you want to accomplish with your story and where you want that story to arrive.

I'm excellent at lending a helping hand if I know the fandom. I do know this one.

One of the first important things is setting up he trauma Hiro is dealing with as an alternative personality is actually like creating an O.C. in some ways. Even if you don't cover the trauma right away, there need to be hints of this trauma that crop during the story. You want to say trauma to be realistic, but even the alternative personality will have it's own strengths and flaws. I don't know how much you know about the mystery genre, but you'll want to reveal things to the audience by dropping clues regarding what is going on. This will help with showing rather than telling.

As for Zeta, how you give her a fatal flaw - this one is an easier one - and a good one - to work with as there is a crucial element to her background story - that she's a homeless teen. Here are some questions to get you thinking. What kind of issues do kids in the system (foster care and homeless) have? How does being in the system affect kids who are geniuses' like Hiro? How do kids in the system see the system, and how do they, in turn, react to the said system? (It's not becoming an activist, but it is something similar to what you're thinking of.) I think you'll be able to come up with a few fatal flaws by answering these questions and discussing them with me.

The harder part regarding a fatal flaw isn't coming up and giving the character a fatal flaw, but implementing it. Discussing how to perform a fatal flaw properly will come after deciding what those flaws will be.

His alternate personality is likely to be the opposite of what he is bullied for.

What drove her away is essential, but I was more of thinking the resulting personality issues which arise, such as having trust issues such as not involving adults, let alone opening up to them. I also thought that another problem is rebellion, but definitely not trusting the system either, yet possibly getting into legal trouble. Geniuses in the system also tend not to get noticed because they're considered trouble kids, or they lack the resources. One of the things which draw her to Kage would him recognizing she's smart despite not necessarily acting smart himself. Some bits do sneak through.

Don't have Zeta sleep with Kage if she knows about her split personality. If you do, it places her majorly in the wrong, but Tadashi and Aunt Cass would never trust her around Hiro even though they were just fourteen, thus if you ended up with a happy ending with everyone, it wouldn't make sense.

However, if she doesn't know Kage and Hiro are different personalities, right there, you've got your conflict, but also a cause and effect for him ending up in the mental institute if she confronts Hiro about their relationship. This would also be the cause and effect you need to for her to tell them due to her feeling guilty, but this wouldn't be right away.

I don't think she'd be snarky with them, but angry at being treated like a kid and being told she'd done something stupid, mainly if nobodies explained to her certain things. Since she's in the system, that's likely, but this brings me to the actual responses from Tadashi and Aunt Cass.

Aunt Cass would - despite being normally overprotective of her boys - be the calmer more rational one here, yet realize Zeta needs a female role model in her life. She's likely to realize Zeta is smart as well. Tadashi would be going ballistic and calling Zeta stupid, not treating her like a genius and blaming everything on her, yet also getting mad that she's taking away yet another person in his life.

There would be a trust issue that would need to be resolved. Zeta would struggle with trusting Aunt Cass, but the one she'd likely tell the truth to - Tadashi - she'd try to confide the secret in because he's right at that boundary age, yet both end up not trusting each other. Eventually, they'd come around, likely because of what is best for Hiro/Kage, but Cass will, of course, have some ground rules.

That would pretty much be your ending, so you need the beginning, how they meet.

As for Baymax knowing, definitely not on the virginity part, but as for MPD - he'd suspect something as I think Hiro/Kage would prevent him from following after Kage, which is where part of Kage's genius would remain. The most likely situation would be gaps in Baymax's memory either because he's offline or because he's giving Hiro space. This would, of course, raise suspicions with the family.

Does this help? I think this is a good story for you to work with because a lot of the story elements are built into the main account. Feel free to ask questions if you have any regarding foster kids, homelessness, or MPD as I have done some research on those subjects, though I've only written for the first two.

I get that. It would mean not dating until they were both out of the house, but because there is a history of sexual relations which the court would know about she wouldn't likely be placed into their home, yet this doesn't mean they can't push the system to find her an A right home or one of the other friends gives her a home. It has to do with the fact. The legal guardian is legally responsible for them.

Kage's split personality would be brought about as a means of protecting Hiro rather than merely a form of escapism. The high I.G. would be hidden, but hiding it would be part of the genius behind Kage.

I wouldn't say he'd have heightened sexuality as the traumatic experience needed to create such a personality isn't one Hiro faced. However, I'm not sure heightened sexuality is what you want to describe either as they only have sex once in the story. The words you are looking for are more passionate, devoted, aroused, romantic rather than heightened sexuality.

He would be more inclined to rebel and break the rules. An adrenaline junkie - no. I don't think that's the word you're looking for. But I'm not sure which one. Loving the nightlife - I talked a bit about this in my notes. Split personalities aren't triggered by the time of day unless there is something tied to time, but the type of split personality you're working with is related to triggered anxieties. As for being callous, yes, he would slightly be that way, but be careful how far it goes.

As for the Japanese honorifics - don't. I only use honorifics in my stories if the characters are speaking Japanese even if it is just a jumble because the role is, for some reason, not coherent. So, I'm more likely to use this in a story which takes place in Japan or if the character switches to Japanese, and I indicate that they're not speaking in English anymore. Or if they're sick and letting words slip up. Remember when you start your outline to think of your story in smaller terms than just chapters.

There are a variety of ways you can reveal the original trauma in your story. Still, with that - since it does tie to something which is already known in the canon material - it is okay to do some tell over the show. Still, it can be hinted at with comments going on as for starting with the trigger for the split personality coming out.

Be careful with flashbacks. There are some excellent essays regarding writing flashbacks out there if you search the words flashback and writing, but you should also look up the words badly, written, and flashback to see some of the downsides to using a flashback. Memory flashes are also different than flashbacks. They're much shorter than a flashback sequence and are about the character remembering something. Some writers can write a memory flashback without writing out the entire memory, but others need to write it out and file it away so they can draw from it.

Is that how the story should open? It depends honestly on whether you have a beginning, rising action, climax, falling action, and ending in the chapter given or not. The beginning of your chapter wouldn't be the trigger for the disorder kicking in. It would be ending with the disease in a much worse state. You instead want to show the worsening of the disorder over multiple chapters. The former is a beginning and end to a specific character arc for the character.

This can be achieved by flash memories, bringing up past events through conversation, but touching upon the fact Tadashi is popular, and he's not. The anger won't come out in Hiro, but in Kage, because he's avoiding the memories.

There are a few different ways to do a flash memory. One method is to say the character remembered something that happened because of a trigger. Another approach - which is useful when the person remembers not just actions, but dialogue - is to have them remember the conversation. This is put into italics like a flashback is. I utilized the second in the first chapter of To Lost or to Gain: Iroh's Child if you want a sample of that kind. Sometimes a paragraph is spent letting the character think about the memory and the details they remember. Those are the three methods I can think of off the top of my head

Yup. Here are a few more tips, though.

First, what makes the city amazing? Avoid using adjectives that the reader can't discern why the identifier is being used, as this adds words that are meant to sparkle and dazzle rather than describe something.

Second, try to avoid "to be verbs." There is typically a far better way to write the sentence that gives more information to the reader. The forms of "to be" are... am, are, is, was, were, have been, am being.

For example

He was swimming.
He swam across the stream.

One exception is dialogue, as we tend to use to be verbs in conversation a lot.

Note - One of the things I've noticed about your summary is it's left Zeta out despite the fact she's super important to the story, so I've got a couple of suggestions on where to add her into the summary.

Is his life productive? That's one of the first things which pops into my head. I'd use the word seemingly in there, but change the verb tense from "gets to enjoy" to "is enjoying."

The second sentence - that will depend on what the trigger event you have to bring Kage out, but you can come up with a new sentence once you figure out what the trigger is.

The third sentence would probably be along the lines of "the event triggers a split personality coming out of Hiro named Kage, who makes friends with a homeless girl named Zeta."

The fourth sentence is tied to Kage coming out more and more, so "Eventually the stress in Hiro's life makes Kage come out more and more." As for the last sentence, I think perhaps something like, "Will Tadashi let Zeta help Hiro when he finally breaks?" That incorporates Zeta into the summary and indicates she is crucial to the plot.

One tip for writing summaries is to think, "what does my summary need to tell the reader."

The plot could revolve around the parents who abandoned her showing up. Hiro turning around and helping her. Everyone fighting for her to stay where she is - in a community that loves and cares about her.

I love your attitude, but which some of the writers I've come across would have that attitude as well. They openly admit they don't care about trying to make their best story ever, yet get mad when they don't get the results they want which are only positive reactions, but openly admit they think the fact they don't care to try should mean an exception should be made for them. Some - to make themselves feel better - slam writers who like you have a lot to learn by trying to tell me their work is better, yet I've found the better work is from the writer who tries no matter how far they have to go and not the writer who is not trying at all.

I've also got that attitude for my writing, but I'd much rather earn my reviews, favorites and follows than not. That said, I've also been in the place where I didn't think my stories would ever get the results I now do, so even if that may never be a possibility for you, I think you should still keep that as a goal. By this mean not think of it as an impossible but more of something highly unlikely.

Have you had hair that goes to your waist? I bring this up because the longer your hair gets, the heavier it gets, and the more of a pain it is to manage. Still, that length might be something she is more interested in once she's no longer homeless, yet the upkeep or lack of it will be an essential detail to the story.

Attractiveness is subjective, but I think both Hiro and Kage would be far more attracted to her personality than her looks, yet they wouldn't say she wasn't physically attractive either. A lot will depend on your wording, yet you also don't want to over-focus on that aspect as you don't want it to seem like the only reason they like her.

I've got a headache right now, so I can't examine it as carefully as I would like, but there are too many to be verbs. Take the first sentence.

Hiro was isolated in his bedroom, gazing forlornly at a photo album he had snuck from downstairs.

There are two to be verbs in that sentence alone - "had" and "was," but "Hiro was isolated in his bedroom" could be written as "Hiro isolated himself into his bedroom..." Others to look out are "to be," "would," "wasn't," and "is." I learned to avoid to be verbs by taking it one sentence at a time, but this is something I've been told to avoid in both academic and creative writing whenever possible.

I wouldn't call it wordy so much as "to be" verbs aren't necessary, and as one article puts it, there are other verbs that articulate what you want better. I don't think anybody learns about "to be" verbs in high school despite the fact it should be.

1. There are a few places that you could be more descriptive, like the memories about Christmas.
   2. You're stuck on the idea of Hiro being an alter ego even though's not really how to split personalities work. If you want Kage to come from something external perhaps a favorite show that he's been using to escape where the character's name is Kage and Hiro recognizes the role as something he wants to be, yet you could have these references to the character around town which keep popping up and don't help Hiro's issues of splitting his personality

Yes. It would also be interesting if Hiro deletes the list, and it ends up returning. A karaoke bar is also an appropriate date for their age as well.

As for being left-handed - I know where you're trying to come from - having different handwriting styles. He doesn't have to use various hand for that to show up. This isn't to say it doesn't show up, but one of the things I found doing a quick search is that if his muscle memory isn't there, then Kage's handwriting will likely be illegible, yet it's also rather rare. If I were to think of how his writing varied - Kage would write with more confidence while Hiro has a lack of it in his style, yet I don't believe this is something that could easily be articulated in writing.

That's quite a lot. I guess I'll start of by pointing out most split personalities are caused by disassociating from situations. You're dealing with type three, but a good start would be reading up this page...

Let's take this line as an example.

"All we see is a face, but a face doesn't give you any knowledge, nor does a person's name when you ask for it."

The way you would put it into a different POV - Hiro

"All they see is my face, but a face doesn't give them any knowledge of who I am nor does giving my name when they ask for it."

So instead of trying to write in the third person and using what's known as the generic "you" write the prologue in the first person and give the generic "you" personality by making it Hiro which will, in turn, draw a reader in more than something which can be anyone. It's still something anybody can relate to, but it ties directly into one of the characters readers care about, yet also helps set up Hiro's plight in the story making it more significant.

I'm going to start by saying what I read got me excited. That doesn't mean I don't have a few tips.

1. Try avoiding "to be verbs" unless it's dialogue. You can find a list of "to be verbs" online, but in many cases, there is another way of wording the sentence which utilizes the "to be verbs," which gives more information. This is a tip from both my creative and academic instructors.

2. When Zeta says, "What are you doing here?" it makes me think it's not the first meeting, so if this is the first meeting, you'll want to work on the wording a bit, or this may not end up being the first meeting.

3. There are some grammar issues I caught. Marshmallow should be Marshmallow's, or you could do "unplug the charging cable of that talking Marsh mellow" as that's another way of saying the same thing. Pierced should come before eyebrow, and there is a missing period at the end of the sentence.

4. Try to avoid using questions unless a question is being asked. The sentence about "how was a 14-year-old" is one that works. There are quite a few different ways of changing those up, including have a question asked or writing them as a non-question sentence. Still, I've found when I start trying to use questions. It is typically at a place. I am trying to elaborate on it.

5. Spell out any number between one to one hundred, which is a whole number. The recommendation for only spelling out only one to nine is A.P. and doesn't apply to fiction writing. The reason comes down to the fact you don't want these numbers jumping out at the reader as you do in say a newspaper article, which is what the A.P. rule is for. For more information, I suggest "Numbers in Fiction" by Beth Hill on The Editor's Blog.

That's pretty much it.