Seventeen year-old Spectra16 announced yesterday from the Oval Office that she does not hang out in one particular fandom like she used to. It's difficult to recover from three year of straight Artemis Fowl fiction. And even though she enjoys Phantom of the Opera, she doesn't want to deal with what the locals call "Phandom." She also exclaimed that her current favorite song is “You Can't Always Get What You Want” and then proceeded to flip her new fake blonde hair. Each hair follicle cried out in retaliation.

“I think Spectra is a fool for dyeing her hair. I’ve known cats to make better decisions than this . . . On accident,” said a hair an inch from Spectra’s left ear and behind several more.

“It’s hard to concentrate on my foreign policy when my hair follicle polls are suffering so. I think my approval rating is 32, which consists of all the hairs at the back of my neck, who don’t know what’s going on anyway,” Spectra16 stated.

Approval ratings aside, Spectra16’s friend and Secretary of State TzatzikiBakonz reported that the country, on a terrorism scale of one to fuschia, is at green. She warned the public that the triangles are revolting, and that it would be smart to wear something square.

When asked about her future aspirations, Spectra16 smiled.

“I want to be a sick mixture of James Joyce and an angry, liberal journalist someday.” Almost every literature major at Yale rolled their eyes at the comment.

Spectra16 lives on a small lake in Wisconsin and loves talking about herself in the third person. Her heroes are Anderson Cooper (handsome, informed, funny. . . Rich--everything she looks for in a man), Danny Kaye (if you know who this is, you probably agree), Nikola Tesla (he invented Thomas Edison so that he wouldn‘t have to work so hard), Annie Oakley (there will never be enough people to prove that any form of the name Anna kicks ass), James Joyce (who I mentioned earlier), Kurt Vonnegut ("The horse jumps over the FUCKING fence!!") and Rufus Wainwright (he makes a corner look straight).

As a child, Spectra dabbled in the occuluments of a Ouija board named Tecompseh and the Prophet, who act more like a horoscope. Tecompseh and the Prophet told her what kind of person she'd be in the future.

"Well, considering you be too stupid to realize you should be greatly dissapointed with the hand God played you, you're gonna have a blast! You are the epiphany of the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss", which Oscar Wilde wrote knowing you'd come into this world in 1989. You're going to be someone who wants nothing more than to prove her abilities, so you fantasize about Mothra attacking and people underestimating your ability to shoot lazers through your eyes. You also will be pleased with the little things in life and irrationally grateful for "trials." You will wear contacts because you will read in dim light prior to 1st grade. You will be quirky and therefore, unpopular in middle school. During this time, you will have the worst day of your life, in which your bunny rabbit gets eaten by a stray dog and you almost drown in a 4 ft. deep pool. You will not read Harry Potter until sophomore year because you're a stubborn bitch. When you finally get off your lazy ass and get your license, you take a road trip via 1967 motorcycle across the country in order to occupy your easily bored mind. You meet the man of your dreams in a small town outside of New York--a blond man with blue eyes who does anti-Neo Nazis recon for the FBI. He has a sensitive side and writes really lame poetry that you lie to him about your opinions in order to make him feel better. He's rich and quirky and loves mild bondage. He doesn't care that you're ugly because you remind him of his mother. You have way too much in common. You have no children. Ever. You might adopt a cute little Asian girl, but that's it. He gets you involved in anti-internet predator recon, which is the job of your dreams. You live happily ever after until you form a sort of contagious narcolepsy and fall asleep while tobogganing. You die instantly, only killing the world's most hated fascist in the process, injuring no one."

During her teen adolescence, Spectra16 didn’t work very hard. She was a shelver at the local library and babysat one child and ONLY one child. She refused to babysit anyone else. Although extremely apt to change, Spectra avoided it at very high costs. Like every other teenage drone, she kept a blog on Xanga and an account on Deviant Art, which both can still be accessed easily through the interwubs when you search her same penname for factory fudge nuts ().

As the president of the United States of Awesome, it is customary to admit her poor choices in the past, because hiding it never worked for ANYONE. Had Clinton admitted he smoked outrageous amounts of weed and cheated on his wife, America would've shrugged and went on with their daily lives. Even Nixon had his share of secrets, which in turn GOT HIS ASS FIRED.

"In first grade, a friend and I pulled down some poor shit's pants in front of everyone on the playground," Spectra16 reminisces. After that happenstance, Spectra16 bit into the fruit of evil and realized that once you get past the skin, tastes damn good.

Obscure things that she loves and has interest in are gospel choirs, Burger King, alliteration, Felix Yusupov, Bohemian decor and clothes, hacker history, farmer's markets and world fairs, Charlie and Lola, The 5th Dimension, spices, making collages, Che Guevara, and Russian reversal, double reversal, and Irish front versal.

Spectra16 also expressed her pure hatred for those people who bitch about mainstream. She made several lewd statements and ended with “Shove a tampon in it!” She also wanted the American public to know that they were misled. She’s not Republican. She’s Communist. She then proceeded to go through every Russian reversal joke ever created. On that note, Spectra digressed into talking about Uncyclopedia, and her love for it. She said she’s learned more things from Uncyclopedia in two weeks than from being in school for 14 years. She learned that Oscar Wilde is the last living homo erectus, Snape kills Dumbledore, Chuck Norris is Vin Deisel’s fifth cousin, and that the band Journey consists of Spartacus, Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Machamp.

If anyone's wondering why Spectra16 is so fucked up (for lack of a better term), you can blame her father, who figured spraying Raid all over her room that has no ventilation wouldn't kill brain cells. He also passed on hereditary sleep apnea, which coupled with self-proclaimed insomnia, is one big bag of fun. She self-medicates with shoppping, getting totally inebriated, gambling, and eating candy.

She also has talent at garage sales. You might say, "You can't have talent at garage sales! You can have talent in finding things in garage sales." That's true and not true at the same time. Spectra16 has many completely useless talents that make her somewhat All Powerful. She can find utterly amazing things in shitty garage sales. Under her belt are an Official Alcoholics Anonymous book, an anti-Joseph McCarthy pin, super shampoo, an American army trenchcoat, and a chess set made by a WWII vet who carved the pieces while in a concentration camp. She also has an ungodly talent (or magical power) that allows her to open a romance novel and immediately find the smut. (Again, it's useless, but great at parties.)

Although her talents are fair, her flaws outweigh them greatly. She is an avid gambler, who throws away money for sport. She is making $100 bets on what will happen in the next Harry Potter book, the Deathly Hallows. She also cannot endurance run for shit. She cannot play any sort of instrument or sing. She is also helplessly retarded without a beta reader. She doesn't play sports, but definitely could. She's been in her local fencing club for three years, going on four this autumn, but hasn't gotten any better since day one. She has next to no movitation to do anything.

"One time, I dropped my homework folder in the hallway, and I didn't pick it up because I didn't care," Spectra16 laughs.

If her lifelong dream of becoming an author/movie producer gets scrapped, she wants desperately to become a teacher. A history teacher to be exact. She knows a lot about American history, and plans to take a hardcore European history course next year. She knows for a fact that Alexander Hamilon slept with EVERYONE, Andrew Jackson killed cats with his bare hands, Hitler wore khakis, and that if Justin Timberlake is to sexy, Eli Whitney is to slavery. She also likes to write scripts for all sorts of things, like music videos, musicals, and movies.

Spectra16 really doesn't do anything except govern the country The United States of Awesome. In her spare time, she writes like an insomniac maniac on sixteen pixie sticks. She is also NOT totally bonkers for boys, drugs, or gardening. She is, however, crazy for being inebriated, porn, and her cat Missy. Missy is a calico genius who doesn't take shit from anybody. Missy is of the opinion that energy bars taste like chewable chalk.

Next year’s classes (first and second semester):

German 2/German 2

AP Literature/AP Literature

C+/Modern Literature

Audio Video Technology/Teacher’s Assistant

Advanced Journalism/Advance Journalism

AP Psychology/AP Psychology

Economics/American Government

Here are some delicious quotes.

DonutAFK HEY EURAKARTE
DonutAFK INSULT
Eurakarte RETORT
DonutAFK COUNTER-RETORT
Eurakarte QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
DonutAFK SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
Eurakarte NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
DonutAFK RIPOSTE
DonutAFK ADDON RIPOSTE
Eurakarte COUNTER-RIPOSTE
DonutAFK COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
Eurakarte NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
Miles_Prower RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
Eurakarte WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
Miles_Prower ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

“They gave you the Congression Medal of Honor? Well, I have just one thing to say to that. Goddamn bless America!”-Lt. Dan, Forrest Gump

“A pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood.”

--General George S. Patton

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

--Douglas Adams

“I’m all for keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of idiots. Let’s start with typewriters.”

--Frank Lloyd Wright

Man: Officer?
Policeman: Yes?
Man: I'm terribly sorry, but I was sitting on that bench over there, and dozed off for a while, and when I woke up I found my wallet gone and 500 pounds to be stolen.
Policeman: Well, uh, did you see anyone around, anyone at all...?
Man: No, none at all, that's the trouble.
Policeman: Well, I'm afraid there's not much we can do about that, sir.
long pause
Man: You wanna go home to my place?
another pause
Policeman: Yeah, all right.

--Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Joel: Hey Crow, what do you want for Christmas?

Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies.

--Mystery Science Theater 3000

Plane voice: Good morning, Dr. Meecham.

Tom Servo: Good morning voice!

Plane voice: Hope you slept well.

Mike Nelson: Because it’s time to die!

--Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Italics are for the movie audio)

Exeter: Now, place your hands on the rail.

(Hands suddenly attach to the rail)

Exeter: . . . They’re magnetized.

Crow: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

--Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K)

“The Ten Commandments has a smaller cast than this!”

--Tom Servo from MST3K

A Dreadfully Convenient Crossover and the Prisoner of the Artic Incident

(LAME)

Summary: A Harry Potter/Artemis Fowl/Lemony Snicket crossover. Foaly sends Artemis to investigate Hogwarts to understand if wizards are a threat to the People. Artemis becomes a Slytherin, makes friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Draco finds Artemis to be an ideal ally, but the two end up being rivals in the end. Artemis is quick to catch up on lost learning, and discovers his missing father isn’t too far away. Lemony Snicket returns to the magical world after a previous embezzlement. He now works with Rita Skeeter on the Daily Prophet. His purpose in the story plot will arise in the sequel. (This story was submitted to the April/May Crossover Challenge for Criminality. There is a mini story between ADCC: Prisoner of the Arctic Incident and ADCC: Goblet of Eternity, which contains spoilers for Goblet of Eternity.)

This story is completed, and the sequel is in progress. Rated T for mild language.

A Dreadfully Convenient Crossover and the Goblet of Eternity

(THIS MIGHT BE LAMER THAN THE FIRST.)

Summary: The sequel to Prisoner of the Arctic Incident. After a summer of questioning on Artemis’ part, he discovers that the fairies erased his memory and that he’d tried to exploit them with the C Cube. While regaining his memory, he goes to the Quidditch World Cup with his friends and seems to have another memory lapse. His relationship with his newfound father dwindles as he comes back to Hogwarts. With the Triwizard Tournament, Artemis finds it easier to sneak around for information during the challenges about Voldemort. Draco, having lost his memory of ever being Artemis rival, decides to help him while his father wants to use Artemis for his own good. Meanwhile, Lemony Snicket gets involved with the search of ex-Death Eaters and Ludo Bagman’s son, after being fired from the Daily Prophet and is employed by the Quibbler. When all is done and said, Artemis finds himself deeper into Voldemort’s affairs that originally desired.

I’m not finished with this story yet. Actually, I’m not even close. Which is weird. I finished ADCC Prisoner of Arctic Incident in ONE MONTH. I’ve been working on this story for May, June, July, and now August. Surprisingly, this story is going to be MUCH longer than the first. I had to cover Artemis’ summer, the Quidditch World cup, and now I’m finally at the part where they are at school. But just barely. And I’m already on 60 pages. That is sad. I was sure this story would be shorter since I wasn’t going to carbon copy the HP book like I did for the last story. I guess more detail and emotions leads for a bigger story. Help me. I’m going to go insane.

UPDATE: Because of my impossible amount of homework and my new novel I started for Nanowrimo, this story will be on temporary HIATUS. Hopefully in January, there will be a new chapter. Sorry everyone!

Shortest Short Stories Ever Series: What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?: Harry Potter Style

(OUTRAGEOUSLY MEDIA WHORISH)

Summary: A silly little story about what the characters of J. K. Rowling’s books would do for a Klondike bar. An amazing amount of readers have joined together to review and give me glorious, oh! glorious ideas. Characters posted are the following: Harry, Cedric, Snape, Draco, Lee Jordan, Hermione, Ron, Hagrid, Quirrel, Lockhart, Lupin, Sirius, Oliver Wood, Romilda Vane, Lucius, Trelawney, Umbridge and MORE! There are 31 chapters, one story per page (thus, shortest short story).

Shortest Short Story Series was created after during ADCC, because I needed to do some sort of humor series while I was writing the complete seriousness of ADCC. For the Short Story Series, each chapter must be a story in itself, and only one page long. (This, for me, is almost difficult!) The Shortest Short Story Series continued into different stories (HP Bloopers, Tales From Behind the Veil, Lee Jordan Speaks Out!). Klondike Bar was conceived in the lunch line at my school, and it was mostly my friend’s idea (thanks Tierra!).

Beautiful. Smart. Entropy. (ex. Boyhood Rivalries)

(Crim challenge July-August 2006)

A story based on Artemis’ days at St. Bartleby’s All Boy’s School. The two requirements for the challenge is to make the characters OOC (Out-of-character) and to add the author in the story some way. With this in mind, every character is OCC to the point where even the characters notice! The OCs are the Mary Sue named Dani California (whom attends the All Boy’s School) and a jealous boy named Capstan whom is scheming against Artemis, planning his revenge, amoung other jealous boys in St. Bartleby’s. THIS STORY IS FINISHED.

Beautiful. Smart. Entropy. Continued? Possibly. A sequel might be on the way. . . And it might be called Artemis Fowl at Hawthorne Heights. And it might be about Artemis transferring schools for one year to a complete preppy hot spot. And it might blatantly make fun of emo kids! Oh noes! Omg! Let’s go burn out thumbs!

Prisoner Grim

(The only thing keeping me sane.)

This story is my finest on factory fudge nuts so far. Sirius/Remus slash. It's the story of Sirius' time in Azkaban, struggling through relationships and missing Remus.