Boyhood Rivalries

By Spectra16 ("Everyone's a Ludo Bagman!"-99 Death Eaters by Draco and the Malfoys)

A/N: Wow. This story idea sort of came up from underneath. I was just sitting on my couch one day, after having read the latest Criminality challenge (July-August 2006), and the idea sort of crept out of under my couch and kicked me in the teeth. It was rude, but much needed. This will be my first official Crim challenge that I will take on, considering the April-May challenge sort of ended right as I discovered it, and I already had written a crossover (which is quite ironic).

The challenge is to write an out-of-character fic. I used to write these as a youngling, but I abandoned the venture after myriads of flames and hate mail. Now, I finally have an idea that will work with Artemis mild out-of-character nature. Summary? After years at St. Bartleby's, Artemis had developed several rivals and enemies, but only one keeps the revenge venture to himself, and plans viciously. Artemis is mostly out of character, but he's not the main focus of the story, just the antagonist, in a sense. Once in a while, there will be a cut scene to other characters from the Artemis Fowl series, and they will be out of character.

Disclaimer: Wow, you're still reading? Amazing. Anyways, Spectra16 doesn't own Artemis Fowl or any blatant references to British comedy, etc. The only thing she owns is her diabolical OC, which does not reflect her personality. Yay! (ahem) She also would like to apologize that she can't stop listening to the Andrew L. Webber soundtrack of POTO, (Shame, shame, shame.) and that it might reflect in her writing. Again, she apologizes.

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Chapter One: Blatant Plot Development With No Sign of the Main OC

Artemis Fowl was usually bored to death of his class work, but rarely did it reflect physically. This was not so today. He slouched over with his elbows on the desk as he poked a pen into his forehead. Everyone two seconds, he'd poke again. A tiny hole would pop back slowly turning the short period of which he wasn't poking himself. His seat was near the window, of which he usually looked out of when he was bored. Today, even the outside world seemed boring. After poking himself repeatedly, he quietly put his pen down and leaned back in his chair, face pointed to the ceiling. The teacher didn't bother to ask what he was doing, since he knew that he'd get a snide, snappy answer from the "boy genius".

He thinks he's better than the rest of us! He thinks he's so smart! Well, someday, I'll catch him off guard! And then he won't be so cocky! The only thing is, what would I catch him off guard with? Questions about American pop culture? Questions about cooking in a fast food scenario? Questions about shampoo ingredients? Personal information? Persian carpets? Chemicals in polyester? Fall Out Boy? Burn Out Revenge? German speaking pirates? Japanese calligraphy? Dr. Who? OH MY GOD MY MIND HURTS!

Artemis sprung up to see his teacher clutching his hair madly, rocking back and forth. He quirked an eyebrow at Mr. Monarski. The heavily bearded Scottish, teacher (whom never left the house without his kilt) ran from the room, screaming. This happened more often than the school cared to write down in their pamphlet. Luckily, there was always new positions for teachers in Ireland, because of the simple fact that Artemis slowly drove them insane, either on purpose or on accident.

Several quiet moments later, a boy in front turned around to his friend who sat behind him and they talked and laughed. Everyone remained reasonably quiet. Artemis grunted and spun his pen on his desk.

"E e e eh," Artemis moaned. A few seats behind him, a boy shook with rage and shaped his wooden pencil. His eye twitched with anger and his breath was short and fast.

Four years of hell, I refuse to share a lab table with him! Just because I have the next name in accordance to the alphabet! DAMMIT! THAT BASTARD! I'll kill him!

The boy threw his pencil shards down and stormed out of the classroom. This, unfortunately, was normal behavior for anyone who had emotions. Artemis paid no heed to it anymore. After the first few years of this, he'd finally adjusted to the fact that everyone hated him for almost no reason. Artemis rubbed his left eyes tiredly.

I can't wait for lunch.

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The Man of St. Bartleby was Principal Guiney, whom had a slight fear of squirrels and an obsessive compulsive disorder that would drive any megalomaniac (such as Artemis) insane for germ killing hand wipes. He opened the door with a rag in hand, in order to turn the door handle.

"I'm sorry young males, but your teacher is having a nice, long, civilized conversation with Dr. Po," He spoke robotically. Artemis glanced up at him. Principal Guiney ignored the many looks of apathy. "Your new teacher will be arriving as soon as he gets his face out of his wife's ass." And with that news, Principal Guiney walked out after wiping down his shoes, which were in open boxes, causing him to shuffle around.

"What will we do until then?" One boy asked aloud, although he no one was sure if he was actually speaking to the class, or if that was his incredibly loud internal monologue talking. Artemis did not get involved, to say the least. The bell rang. Yes, Artemis jumped up quickly and bolted for the door with his thin books. On the way out, a jealous boy tripped him, but Artemis caught his balance before almost imminent falling.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Lunch at St. Bartleby's was definitely not like your average American public school. Average? What the hell am I saying? EVERY AMERICAN SCHOOL. In any case, Artemis had on his tray a Mediterranean salad with steak. He sat over at a table with some of his typical acquaintances. Most of them, according to the outrageous stereotypes that are mostly true, had pocket protectors, big glasses, and large buck teeth. One boy noisily scarfed down his beef sandwich, another traded Magic cards (Disclaimer: I don't own that either, I guess.) with another boy.

"I'm not giving you my Pink Eyes White Dragon for that piece of shit!"

"Piece of shit? This is Spectral, the Mermaid of Eternity! She had twenty damage against ogre species! This is totally equal to Pink Eyes!"

"Shut up! You don't know anything!"

Artemis didn't rub his temples, if only because that would make him in character. Instead, he put his fork up to his eye and poked around it. It was a little trick his father had taught him immediately after his return from the Helsinki hospital. He kept poking around his eyelid lightly. Once in a while, the boys at his table would glance at his strange behavior, but ignore it. Artemis had been waiting for an exceptionally boring day like this one to do this.

"Fine then. Will you trade me a Nyghtdae nimph collector set for it?"

"The hell I will! Pink Eyes is my little baby-waby! I could never give him up! He's won countless battles and formed my dream deck using cards I knicked off small children!"

"What evs man."

Artemis resisted a cliché, vampire-like smile. He grabbed a creamer and quietly peeled off the seal under the table. After it was open, he cupped it in his hand, and still poking at his eye with a fork, he closed his eye and threw his cupped hand over it, spilling the cream all over his face. And with a loud shrill and some stumbling around in a very convincingly confused manner, he had his table in a hysterical, panicked uproar.

-.-.-.-.-.-

The Fowl Manor had turned into a completely boring place after Artemis had left for school, after Angeline's sanity had returned, and after Artemis Fowl Senior had decided writing checks to charity organizations was more thrilling than extortion. Juliet didn't want to pursue her schooling and she didn't want to be a bodyguard for the Fowls either. Most people believed she'd be a famous cage fighter in South America, but honestly, Juliet desired something different.

Juliet Butler really wanted to be a tail gunner for an ice cream truck in Los Angeles, California. There wasn't a lot of job opportunities in this field, but that was precisely why she desired it as much as she wanted.

And she was currently watching Laguna Beach (Disclaimer: If I owned that, you all would have a decent reason to spork me to death.).

Work out your own conclusions of out-of-character-dom.

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A/N: I've been waiting for a VERY long time to write a humor fic about Artemis' adventures at St. Bartleby's, and now I have a good excuse to use out-of-character nature. Yay! I hope everyone enjoyed that. Oh yeah, if you're confused about the Spectral thing, another requirement was that you had to write yourself in somehow, be it penname, personality, etc. So in every chapter, I'll somehow incorporate myself into the story. Also, the next chapter will consist of a mock Mary Sue, the protagonist (whom of which is not the Mary Sue), and the inspiration of classic rock and late nights. Also, soon I'll be posting my greatest icons on my deviant art account. Look me up! (I use my same penname.)