Hey creepy reader people,

I am another lame teenager that's egocentric enough to think I can write as well as those who get paid for it.

I hate TV sans commercials and am one of the top 3 most sarcastic people of all time. I just realized that I have some semblance of rhythm and need to learn how to spell it pronto if I'm going to reference it all the time. As you can see, my spelling is less than extraordinary, but I will get grammar-tastic on your ass if you put a comma in the wrong place.

I hate my name (it's Kayla, ew.) and have been called a variety of other things at other times, including Taylor (hey, I just remembered that. Good times) and oxysardonic, which is me on a bunch of teen vogue forums. I enjoy frightening the little children. Call me sadist, I call you stalker.

I am obsessed with William Goldman and idolize Tina Fey, and if you insult them in front of me, I will get the Brute Squad on you. That probably speaks to why my favorite books are (in order)

--The Woman Warrior

--The Princess Bride (yes, it was a book first)

--Marathon Man

--Misery

--The Autobiography of Malcolm X (The greatest action story ever told)

Here's the Really New Quotes Section, Featuring Brilliant Statements From Me and My Assorted Associates:

-Punching: It's Poking, only with more fingers.

-If two wrongs made a right, than one wrong would be half a right. So no matter what you did, you'd always be at least halfway right.

-You're the oldest? Well, that just means you'll die first.

-Hey, I'm famous for my analogies!

-Please, when you're referring to fat people, don't say plump. I can't use the word plump in regards to people; whenever I say it, it makes me think of something delicious, and I'd prefer not to thing of people that way.

-Matt Damon? I'd say he's on the better looking side of I don't care.

-That's Mrs. Johnny Depp right there. If you guys are on the same side, don't even try to pull the old argument.

-Swedish Fish are technically illegal immigrants.

-Ooh! Another one for the husband colony!

-How dare you! I'm going to have to take you off the top 3 nicest people list.

-Every time you quoth the flux capacitor, Micheal J. Fox twitches a little less.

-This is not the time for joking.

-Here's your fucking boat!

I also do not have a facebook, one of four non-starving orphan people in the world who don't, but I get all the facebook jokes and all, because I actually know something called POP CULTURE (get it sometime) and I love the radio, because I don't have an ipod. Opie and Anthony (a radio show featuring Jim Norton) are my heroes, along with the aforementioned and Angela Lansbury (she was a badass before she voiced a fucking teapot).

I love to write about what I've just seen/read/ect, so my fanfics will be as random as the moon...with an emphasis on my parody and my Pirates of the Caribbean script.

Listen, hate my stuff if you want; that's okay, but don't be hypocritical. Don't say my writing is bad if you write like a five year old. At least acknowledge your own hypocrisy, please.

That's about it.

Love, Kayla/Taylor/Oxysardonic/Tina

P. S.: Tina Fey is LEFT-HANDED Muhahahahahahaha!

If you measure in inches, you're probably American.

95 percent of the teenagers in America can't read anything more complex than "lol" and spend their free time doing recreational drugs. If this fact shocks and surprises you, you should probably put your head in a meat grinder.

If you are part of this 95 percent, what the fuck are you doing on fanfiction? Go play Ultimate and leave those of us with vocabularies alone.

If you're one of the 5 percent, shut the fuck up. Who are you kidding? Go play Russian Roulette and leave the Ultimate to the cool kids and the fanfiction to the jaded ones.

If you thought I was going to write "copy and paste this into your fucking profile," you were utterly mistaken. I hope you get stranded on a desert island with my U.S. History teacher, and I find a bucket of money.