Hey there!

If you're reading a story of mine, then I thank you very much and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it! I really do have fun with them, even though the majority of what I write is all filled with angst. Someday, I hope to do something that is lighter, but for now...

To anyone and everyone that reviews, you're all amazing! Reviews give people like me reasons to keep posting what I write. I absolutely adore feedback and love to include ideas that people offer in a story. My theory is that I'm writing it for fun, and I may as well write it so that the people reading it enjoy the story.

Thanks for visiting and I hope you have a great day!

Tea on a Tuesday

Do you ever have those moments where you think "Why bother?" I think that all the time. The people around me frustrate me to no end - well, I shouldn't say that. They frustrate me enough that I wish it would end. These people are the ones that make me question everything I care about, love, want to do, and am doing now. I don't hate these people, either. I want so badly for them to be proud, pleased, and happy with me that I've driven myself into a state where nothing I've done in life is enough. Late at night, I worry that I'll never be able to even come close to getting that look of pride over me coming from them.

A small part of me knows that they will love me unconditionally. But so much of me questions it that I can't help but see only the signs that prove otherwise. Harmless questions become criticism. Invitations become shoves in the other direction. Kind smiles become harder to look at and only add to the uncertainty. Outright statements of love draw forth an anger so strong that I can only barely hold it in. Others perceive the anger to be directed at them, but truthfully, I hold it only for myself because I can't believe their words and because I immediately bring up all the things about myself that I hate that can only prove why I am so unworthy of that love.

Unworthy. Undeserving. What right do I have to ask for the regard of others? More than that, I am learning just how much each person is valued by those around them. A single person is lost to us forever, and we move on as if their presence in our lives meant so little that it hardly gets in the way of our daily lives. I see them smiling, laughing, and living as they did before without a single regard for the lost and a mixture of rage and intense sadness swims behind my eyes. Again, I wonder, "Why bother?" I kill myself trying to please them only to be completely erased from the mind upon my departure.

There is an answer somewhere. I've been told so, at least. I hope so much that the answer is not to think about myself first and to disregard those that I can never please. I care about them. I want them to be happy. I don't want to move them from my mind and heart by pushing on without considering their thoughts on what I am about to do. At the same time, however, a part of me senses that they worry just as much about how closed off I have become.

I want the answer to be a simple one. I want to wake up on a Tuesday, invite my loved ones over for tea, talk about happy memories without any sort of critical thought, and then show them all that I have achieved with full confidence that they will be nothing less than impressed.

I keep telling myself that I just need to wait. I just need to achieve one more of my goals.

I just need to not make mistakes.

I need to be careful, because if I make a mistake, I'll lose all I have now.

It may hurt to think about, but I don't want to lose them.

So I stay silent and away, until I can show them what I'm worth.