Things to do on an Elevator:

CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

MEOW occasionally.

STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

SAY -DING at each floor.

SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

SWAT at flies that don't exist.

CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Warning Labels

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents, if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts after using this product.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)

On an Amerian Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)