I used to be Money can't buy life but now I am When turtles fly.

Hey, first of all I am new at this so give me a break. Second I could go on and on about me but you aren't trying to learn about me you want to (hopefully) read my story's. I will say this though; I am a female so my stories will be slightly more girlish.

Books I have read:

Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Ranger's Apprentice, 39 Clues, Maximum Ride and many more I just don't feel like writing down but these will be the main ones I wright about.

Quotes/Copy paste things:

Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.

A man who has no imagination has no wings- Mohammed Ali

Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it!

Your laughing now because your older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

Forecast for tonight: darkness

If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

-The below statement is true

The above statement is false

Heaven doesn't want me there and Hell knows I'll take over.

PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch.

Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much

I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah!

Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway.

Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie doll.

Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret!

Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1?

You should always proofread what you write in case you any words.

By the time you finished reading this you'll realize you just wasted 5 seconds of your life

Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.

The tooth fairy teaches kids it's okay to sell body parts.

I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

People who don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do wish I was.

I didn't slap you, I high-fived your face.

Ever notice that studying is "student" and "dying" put together?

On a scale of 1 to crazy I'm a penguin.

I see no good reason to act my age.

Don't follow my footsteps, I run into walls.

Be a dork!! Because being cool is overrated.

At this moment, you're the oldest you've ever been. Pretty deep huh?

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Hey you! Yeah you! No, not you, the other guy. You right there! Do you like tacos?

Worst time to have a heart attack; during a game of charades.

Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.

The trouble with real life is that there is no background music

I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line

I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologize

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense

I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again.

I don't need your attitude. I got one of my own

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics

A good girl is just a bad girl who's never gotten caught.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my ceiling.

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

You say physco like it's a bad thing

I hear voices, and they don't like you

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "Hey, what are these?" "They're Orange." "What about these?" "Ah Shit!"

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN.

I intend to live forever *looks at watch* so far, so good

Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again

You're awesome... but when the zombies come, I'm tripping you

God created men first because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

The next time you think your perfect, try walking on water.

Don't follow in my footsteps. I tend to walk into walls

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

The trouble with alarm clocks is that they always go off when you're asleep.

It's funny--the people who want quiet are always the loudest getting people to shut up.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you... you're just not laughing.

Please don't drop cigarette buds on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect to get it back!

One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

Tell the truth and run.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

If your heart was really broken . . . you'd be dead so shut up.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

They laugh because we're losers . . . . We laugh because they just figured it out.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Newsflash, Honey, I don't live to please you.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

Silence is golden . . . duct tape is silver.

"Sir, we're surrounded!"
"Excellent, we can attack in any direction!

One day, your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

I write for the same reason I breathe; if I didn't I would die.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

You know you're stressed out when you can hear mimes.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

I'm not afraid of death! What's it going to do? Kill me?

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For, knowledge is limited to all we know and understand, While imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand- Albert Einstein

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow"

If you've ever screamed at a book or the TV copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you've ever burst out laughing while reading a book and people look at you funny-copy and paste this into your profile.

You say I've lost my sanity. Well I have news for you. You can't lose what you never had

Yeah, I'm a loser. but the coolest loser you'll ever meet!

"I understsand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear it up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you!

Random facts (say these to people to make yourself seem smarter!-Or just weird them out ;D):

-The human DNA is more than 25 percent the same as a banana!

-The closest known star to earth (besides the sun) is Proxima Centauri. It is only 24.8 trillion miles (39.9 kilo meters) from earth, that's very close for a star!

-The Death Cap is the world's most poisonous mushroom

-The California redwood is the world's tallest tree reaching height of 385 feet (117 meters)!

-New Zealand has the world record for the country that eats the most ice cream

-Though the world's fastest running animal may be the cheetah, the Peregrine Falcon is the world's fastest animal it can dive at speeds of up to 200 miles per hour!

-The Cabybara is the world's largest rodent

-Dolphins name their children

-The most poisonous snake (and also one of the fastest) is the Black Mamba

-Norway has the world's longest road tunnel it is 15.2 miles (24.5 kilo meters)

-The tallest human to ever live in modern history was 8"11.1 tall!

-Human Babies are born color-blind

-All cats are born with blue eyes

-There are more TVs in the US than there are people in the UK!!!

-Men get the hiccups more often than women

-The literal definition of "jiffy" is one hundredth of a second

-Dogs were domesticated before cattle

-Polar bears are left-handed

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is retard cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

If you ever stayed up all night copy and paste this into your profile

My best friend is insane! If you agree, or if you have an insane friend, then copy this into your profile. (Yeah, you know who you are)

If when people call you crazy you take it as a complement copy and paste this onto you profile

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever forget what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy and paste this into your profile

98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile (I actually fractured my ankle because I tripped on nothing and landed wrong.)

If you've ever tried to lick your elbow and knew that it was physically impossible, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.

If you ever gone crazy looking for something that was in your hand all along, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile

A white man said "No coloured people allowed here." And the black man said. "When I was born I was black, when I grew up I was black, when I am sick I am black, when I go out in the sun I am black, when I am cold I am black, when I die I'll be black, but you, you. When you were born you were pink, when you grew up you were white, when you are sick you are green, when you go out in the sun you turn red, when you are cold you are blue, and when you die you'll be purple and you dare to call me colored?" The black man sat down and the white man walked away. If you're against racism copy and paste this into your profile.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaomneal pwoer of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltters in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh?
Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this, psas it on!

Weird notes and warnings on things:

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Well when else would I use it?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (too late...)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (No! Really?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what? Outter space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts" (Who wrote this?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (Wait to crush the kid's dream!)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Good advice)

U.S Laws :

In Alaska, it is illegal to wake up a sleeping bear to take its picture

Again, in Alaska, it's illegal to push a moose out of a moving airplane

In New York, Arizona, and Georgia, it is illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bath tub.

In Idaho it is illegal to go fishing from the back of a camel or giraffe.

It is illegal to keep a pet tiger inside of a New York City apartment.

. In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking meter's time must be paid for.

In Bladwin Park, California, you are not allowed to ride a bycicle in a swimming pool

In New Jersey, It is Illegal To Wear A Bulletproof Vest While Committing A Murder (but committing a murder IS?)

In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces.

In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours

In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands

In Columbus, Ohio it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

In Youngstown, Ohio it is illegal to run out of gas.

In Oklahoma, whale hunting is strictly illegal (note: there are no whales in Oklahoma)

Rhode Islands says it is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

In Hawaii you aren't allowed to put coins in your ears

Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.

When in Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant in New Orleans.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time in Alabama.

In Alaska kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.

In Arkansas it's illegal to mispronounce the state's name.

Unmarried woman cannot parachute on Sundays in Florida.

It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday in Florida.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit in Florida.

Minnesoda declares that hamburgers are not allowed to be eaten on Sundays

Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

In ancient Hawaii, it was illegal to smile. If you were caught smiling, you'd be exiled or even killed

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glen, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLEN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLEN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

I will try to update as much as I can but don't yell at me about it or I will just take longer. I can't spell for the life of me so if you see something wrong can you tell me? Thanks! By the way I don't own the characters the authors who wrote their books do.