I suppose this is where I put my description, yes? Well, I guess I should go into it so that you fanbrats that are reading this (If you are, I’m flattered.) to tell me how “supper meannyiy I amz!1!!”. If you see a review of mine that is anonymous, it’s not mine. I always log in to tell you off. Here goes nothing.

My name: I like it.

My age: It changes daily if you haven’t noticed.

My likes: I have some.

My dislikes: I have many.

My weird affection(s): Anglophilia. Shameless, and in the broadest expanse of the word.

My pet peeves deserve a section of its own. These views are not stated to be universally held by Critics United.

OOC-ness on crack: I enjoy OOC-ness to a mild extent; I even find it necessary in a story to give characters flavor beyond what we normally see. What I hate is when authors take a serious character (Let’s take Itachi from Naruto for an example.) and frill them up with “kawaii-ness”. Let’s get this straight, Itachi is not kawaii. When a character is taken so out of their character niche, it just ruins the story.

Usage of kawaii/desu/ random Japanese phrases: Please, this is annoying. How tacky is it to have a well-written story, and then throw in some random term most people don’t know/use? It just throws off the flow of your story. I am strangely okay with honorifics, but much beyond that is kind of lame.

Random sentences in another language: This peeves the hell out of me. This is a more extreme form of the previous peeve. I’m reading along, loving your story, and then I see, “Ohayōgozaimasu, Saku-chan! Kyō wa totemo kawaī mite!” Now, I obviously used Google Translate, as most English writers here don’t speak Japanese. Stop insulting the Japanese people with your shoddily translated sentences; you can’t speak English anyway. Can we agree to keep a story monolingual? Really, just save your readers the annoyance.

Paragraphs of Description on Appearance/Clothing: I hate to see this in a popular fandom I read from: "Insert name here was wearing a fluttery top with pink flowers on it and a denim mini skirt that was designer and costed (Seriously, costed? It’s just cost or had cost, morons.) $1 000 000 along with black boots (A/N: Just think of that outfit from blank anime but pinker). Her hair was a sunny blonde and her eyes were so blue they were more beautiful than the sky-" Note: cut the crap. Get on with the freaking story please. This isn’t just tacky, it is distracting and detracting from your actual story. We don’t care how “kawaii desu” her top is.

High school Settings: Oh God, not this again. This is the most overused setting in the book. Just leave it alone, leave it! If you must use this, make it less typical mean-girl, cool girl, clique girl, hot guy, jock character type. Make all the characters teachers maybe. I don’t know, just something else.

M-pregs:This is not possible, so let’s just move off of it. Your mom has stretch marks, not your dad, you idiot! If you actually use this as a plot point, make it somehow believable. Please? Usually the only time this ever works is when a talented author in the Hetalia-verse makes a m-preg country. Other than that, you need to be a genius to make me like your illogical story...thingy.

Making straight characters gay and vise versa: I look through the pairings all the time, and there are more yaoi pairings than straight! I’m not initially against this, but the fact of the matter is that half of these are obviously straight characters made gay. Kuroshitsuji, okay, you wouldn’t make Grell Sutcliff straight, but don’t make Finny gay! He had a crush on Angela thank you very much. (We won’t go into the whole creepy Ash/Angela dynamic.) Keep the sexual orientation the way the characters originally appear. If you decide to change orientation, make sure you make that a plot point or something so that is actually adds to your story instead of just making sound fangirly.

Spelling/grammar/punctuation issues: I completely understand that every once in a while, one little word will slip through your carefully woven net of spellcheck, re-reads, and beta-ing. That is forgivable. (Now understand, the best authors won’t allow even that to happen.) But what is not forgivable is multiple errors every paragraph. Not only spelling “liek dis”, but also an ungodly amount of punctuation errors. Writing allows quite a bit of flexibility in punctuation style. Emily Dickenson used dashes as her trademark punctuation. Even though that wasn’t necessarily proper, it was made her style her own. What isn’t allowable is when you have four run-on sentences, eighty comas, and no periods jam-packed into one paragraph. Which reminds me, walls of text aren’t sexy. Stories, like women, need some shape.

Song lyrics: All right. So, I'm reading your story, and I'm really in to this. I'm thinking, "Oh, so loovely, so beautiful, it wonderful (read with horrible Italian accent)." Now, all of a sudden I see the lyrics to a song in the public domain. It totally seems like something extraordinairily clever when you're writing it. But guess what? It always turns into something the character would never say, it seems cheesy since it's already been said before, and it just makes it look like you're copping out. I don't care how "cool" the band is with it, or how undiscovered the band is with its awesome thought-provoking political understatements! (Yes, I AM talking to you, you stuckup hipster.) Not only is it against the rules, it's against your own self-respect.

Plot holes: Plot holes say, “I’m an idiot that wrote this when I was sleep-deprived and on a caffeine rush.” Real fans of a particular fandom will start to leave your story when they see plot holes springing up left and right. If you want to make a story high-quality, make it bulletproof.

Mary-Sue/Gary Stu: No, just no. MS/GS are the poison of all fanfiction. They enter the story in their perfection, and slaughter the story line with their righteousness. They are typically self-inserts, and embody the typical standard of beauty. If you notice that your OC is starting to make all the canon characters look bad, or is teaching the reader multiple life lessons, or is the most pious holier-than-Thou, then kill it. Kill it dead. Make your OC relatable, not an intangible, perfect being. Think of flaws you or people you know have, and put them in there. Think of what makes a character unbelievable and overly liked (like Bella from Twilight (May God destroy that crap piece of “literature”.)) and don’t include those. This usually includes singing, dancing, painting, great grades, universally liked, exotic body features (especially hair and eyes *cough* Edward Cullen *cough*), amazing abilities, self-righteousness paired with condescension that is supposed to be perceived as kindness, “skinny enough to be anorexic” being made out as hot, etc. If any of these signs appear, tread cautiously. If three or more appear, please take your Mary-Sue to the nearest delete button and humanely euthanize it to put it out of its misery.

I will give constructive criticism to people who follow the rules (and even some who don’t), but I will chew you out for violations. If you’re too big a dolt to find them on your account, here they are.

Entries not allowed:

Non-stories: lists, bloopers, polls, previews, challenges, author notes, and etc.
One or two liners.
MST: comments inserted in between the flow of a copied story.
Stories with non-historical and non-fictional characters: actors, musicians, and etc.
Any form of interactive entry:choose your adventure, second person/you based, Q&As, and etc.
Chat/script format and keyboard dialogue based entries.

Actions not allowed:

Multiple entries of the same material. There can only be one copy of any unique story on the entire site. No exceptions.
Rewriting names of characters/locations of one story in order to upload to multiple categories.
Copying from a previously published work (including musical lyrics)not in the public domain.

General rules:

Entry title and summary must be rated K for all audience. No exceptions.
Entry must be given the proper rating. No exceptions.
Entry must be placed in proper category. No exceptions.
Chapters of the same story are not allowed to be submitted as separate entries.

Cave ut comprehendus. And if this hurts your “feelings”, feel free to screw yourself.

This was cowritten with FlyingAboveTheClouds. Thanks for it!

Marukaite Chikyuu: Texas

Hey, hey, Daddy, could I get some Dr. Pepper?

Hey, hey, Mama! Hey, hey, Mama!

I can't get the taste, no matter what, of that

Chili con carne out of my head!

X

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

I am Texas!

X

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

Look carefully, there's the Earth

Could it be? I think that's the Earth!

Cowboys rule!

X

Ah, an amazing world,

Can be seen with the single stroke of a paintbrush!

"Tejas" means "friends", so let's go to an Austin music fest!

Texas!

X

"We're more than just America's glasses…"

X

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

I am Texas!

X

Surprisingly, there's the Earth

Ride your horse, there's the Earth

Giddy up now, there's the Earth

I am Texas!

X

Ike and LBJ call me home,

Six different flags, we've flown them all!

("Remember the Alamo!")

Big and badass!

Sure, I am Texas!

X

Hey, hey, Bro, I could use a beer!

Oh yeah, Sis, could ya pour it for me?

Yeah, yeah, Papa, friends are the best!

Hey there, Darlin', let's go shootin'!

Hey, hey, Daddy, I wan' some Dr. Pepper!

Hey, hey, Mama! Hey, hey, Mama!

I can't get the taste of that

Chili con carne out of my head!

X

Ropin', wranglin', and cow cuttin' is what we do!

"Honey, everything's bigger in Texas!"

X

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

Draw a circle, there's the Earth

I am Texas!

X

Ah, an amazing world,

Can be seen with the single stroke of a paintbrush!

We were a sovereign state! (But I guess that fell through…)

The Republic of Texas!

X

Ah, here in the fields of dreams,

So many grand discoveries await!

Yo soy el mejor de todos!

The Lone Star State!

Some people think I'm against fangirling/guying, but I'm not. I just despise FANBRATS. Those are the people who put a Mary-Sue named Zoanephia Clarianna Bonadet that continually eyerapes Roy Mustang from FMA after she has finished raping the plot line and killing Riza Hawkeye. Yeah...no. I hate it when they inject themselves into the story in public. You can have your strange and perverted dreams on your own, but please don't burn our eyes out. *shudders* You say, "You don't fan over anything." Guess what, birdies? My list of characters is bigger than your brain. But that isn't necessarily difficult, as it is nonexistent. Rant done.

Quotes:

From the movie "1776"-

Benjamin Hopkins: Ah, Ben! I want you to see some cards I'd gone and had printed up. Oughta save everybody here a lot of time and effort, considering the epidemic of bad disposition that's been going on around here lately. "Dear Sir, you are without any doubt, a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocket-picking, thrice double-damned no-good son of a bitch." and you sign your name - what do you think?
Dr. Benjamin Franklin: I'll take a dozen, right now.

Hetalia-

Hetalia: Blue Embers by Bai-Marionette: (Tino about Berwald) "That guy…makes Ivan seem people-friendly."

Red Lights by Unshadowed Heart: ( Alfred to Ivan) "Bitch, if you say you're getting me ice cream, you're getting me ice cream."

Here We Go Again by GreyMoth: "About time you made it, git," "Everyone else is here. Prussia has already talked Germany into a drinking contest, Italy has started pole dancing, and France has already stripped down to his boxers."

In my mind by maplepancakes99: (Alfred to Canada) "Dude don't talk to Russia. You might catch communism."

Giving In by Artificial Starlight: Consequently, Canada would be seen as a BAMF.

We'll marry Our Fortunes Together by lividlillies:

It was strange how nice he was being, actually...

Speaking of which, it was kind of nerve wracking to think of the Russian Federation wandering around his government buildings... alone... without supervision...

"Actually, I think I'm going to meet you in the lobby!" he quickly said."I don't know if we've been married for 39 years, or just engaged."

Part Right, Half Wrong, a Third Crazy: (The lamp, by the way, is a terrible conversationalist and should never be taken seriously. No matter how convincing its gentle coaxing into getting stoned is, or how logical that coaxing might sound. Fuck a lamp's logic. They don't know shit about logic. Never listen to a lamp. Ever.)

T'was the night before Christmas, and Matthew and Gilbert got really, really drunk.
Alfred, on the other hand, just got really, really high.
Like, really high. I mean, there's something really wrong with this scenario…

England: Double O Ninja!

America: Listen to me in my awesome hero voice! China, I choose you! (It's not Pokémon you know...)

America: Let's hit Italy first, because they can't drive, and they're usually drunk.

Harry Potter Series-
Dear Headmaster Dumbledore, by FlyingAboveTheClouds:

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I'm awesome.

- Cornelius 'The Fudge" Fudge

P.S. Don't bother to respond, I'm using my mom's owl

In The Bath: Conquering the Channel in a Piece of Plumbing by Tim FitzHigham-

“I phoned the Admiral back.
'It's no use, Admiral, the French speak nothing but French.'
There was a short pause on the end of the line then his voice rattled into life like a sabre.
'They're lying, Tim!'
'What?'
'The French Navy must by law speak English, as English is the international maritime language of the sea.'
'Has anyone told the French that?'
The line went dead for a moment before he thundered, 'Yes Nelson. At the battle of Trafalgar.'
I tried to stifle an irresistibly British giggle not knowing if the Admiral was making a joke or not. I got it right. He was serious.”

A pastor I once knew-

Three teenagers saw an old, white-haired, bearded pastor. They decided that they were going to make fun of him for the kick of it.
The first boy bowed and said, “Hello, Father Abraham."
The second bowed and said, "Good morning, Father Isaac."
The third did the same, "How are you, Father Jacob?"
The old man gave a warm chuckle and said, "I'm not Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob. I am Saul, and I am looking for my father's asses. I think I have found them."

Hey, do you know that right now, as I am writing this, I've had 196 views collectively to my stories. Also, 12 reviews total to all my stories. That means that for every review, almost seventeen people don't review? (Almost since math likes to be a bitch.) So, please review!

Note: If you are checking this profile because of a "bad" review to your story or someone else's, please note hate-mail is my stress reliever. I greatly enjoy looking through it with my friends and laughing my ass off when I read this: "ur notin but apece uf sh*t!!111! mi stori iz da gr8es. go flamz sum1 els!!1" If you pm a death threat, make it creative please. It's so boring reading just plain death threats. Make up something about bunnies nibbling out my vocal chords and chickens laying eggs on me until I suffocate to death.