Please be advised, I don't engage with people I don't know. Random private messages will be ignored.

"The complaints department was complaining about getting complaints." - Russell Howcroft, Gruen

Previously:

"I can do some things...it's just I can't do any of them very well." - Bob Mortimer, Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing

"We've never done anything that's relevant." - Vic Reeves

"I see words as things. I don't care what they're made of." - David Mitchell, 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

"It's not playing out well in the playground of my imagination." - John Cooper Clarke, WILTY

"I'm reading a book at the moment. It's called The Anticlimax. The first part is good." - Milton Jones, Mock The Week

"Most of us, regardless of ethnicity, will probably be in the same boat when it comes to the end of the world." - Tyson Yunkaporta, The Guardian, 27th September 2017

"But doesn't the end of the world look beautiful?" - Graham Norton, interview in The Guardian, 3rd December 2017

"To cut a long story short - The End." - Milton Jones, Mock The Week

"You know how it ends when you run out of ink." - Henning Wehn on writing, Have I Got News For You

"Comedy is surprising people with the truth." - Tim Ferguson, Home Delivery

"With any luck, heaven will be much like here, now, on a good day." - Peter Goldsworthy, In Paradisum

"Si c’est ici le meilleur des mondes possibles, que sont donc les autres?" - Voltaire, Candide.

"When you are trying to write, a lot of staring out of the window goes on." - Alan Bennett

"Perfection murders joy." - Elizabeth Gilbert, interview in The Guardian, 27th September 2015.

"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time." - Leonard Bernstein

"Getting your hackneyed cliches right is not rocket surgery." Peter FitzSimons, SMH

"I may as well tell you that if you are going about the place thinking things pretty, you will never make a modern poet." - P. G. Wodehouse

"May your words never fail you." - Andrew Denton, Randling

"Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it - whole-heartedly - and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings." - Arthur Quiller-Couch, On the Art of Writing

"It's a disturbing moment when you realise that it doesn't matter what you write and how clearly you write it, people will take it a thousand different ways." - Martin McKenzie-Murray, Sydney Morning Herald, 17th May, 2012

"What's the point of rhetorical questions?" - Clive Anderson, QI

"We need to be confronted. We need to be reminded that nothing is neat, that people do not uniformly share any point of view. We need to remember that disagreement is not the end of the world, merely the start of a healthy discussion." - Mark Pesce, Unleashed, 12th May, 2010

"Fiction is fiction and writes its own histories." - John Sutherland, Curiosities of Literature

"We tried going back to being factual, but soon we ran out of facts." - Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear

"History is not what you thought. It is what you can remember. All other history defeats itself." - Sellar and Yeatman, 1066 And All That.