Chapter 3: Schultz's Evidence

"Well," said Schultz to himself, "this has been the most confusing day I have ever had. In the last hour, I have been at a tea party, and then a game of croquet, and now suddenly here I am at a trial. Whatever Hogan and his boys are up to, it must be very, very clever."

He gazed around the court. "There is the Judge, and his sister, Gertrude. Funny how they don't really look like each other...except that they do." Just at that moment, the pair of them were looking at the defendant, each wearing the exact same acidic smile. No doubt about it; the two of them had to be siblings. The defendant stood before them, a miserable looking creature whose bald head shone in the light, guarded by soldiers and so weighed down by chains that he could hardly stand up straight.

In the middle of the court was a table, with nothing on it but a huge stack of papers. It was a little disappointing, Schultz thought. They might at least have offered refreshments.

The Rabbit was prowling back and forth in front of the Prisoner. "I'll be judge, I'll be jury," it said in a tone of most unrabbitlike menace. "I'll try the whole cause, and condemn him to..."

"Actually," the Judge broke in, "I will be judge. And I think we need not bother with a jury. Nobody has any objection, do they?"

"Well, General...I mean, your Honour..." the Prisoner began, but trailed off at the low growl which came from the Rabbit. "No, no objection," he finished, very quickly.

"I thought you would see it my way," said the Judge. "Now, read the charges."

"Bah! why waste time?" snapped the Rabbit. "We know he is guilty. All that remains is to hang him, and his monocle, from the highest gibbet available."

"I know how you feel," the Judge replied. "Nevertheless, we must give him a fair trial before his execution. My dear sister insists upon it. She has a particular interest in this defendant."

The Prisoner lowered his head, looking like he was starting to think hanging was not such a bad prospect; although why that should be, Schultz had no idea. "She has always been very civil to me," he remarked to nobody in particular.

His neighbour - it was the Gryphon - shrugged. "Some think her ill-tempered and queer," it replied, "but a few find her pleasant enough. But if you want my opinion, Schultzie, speaking as someone who knows a fair bit about birds, that one's a right old boiler."

"That's not nice, Newkirk," said Schultz.

None of the other spectators paid any heed. They were all staring at the Rabbit, who had unrolled a scroll of parchment. He held it up, opened his mouth, then lowered the paper and turned to the Judge. "General, this is nonsense," he said. "Surely in such a clear-cut case, there is no need to bother with these formalities."

"Perhaps not, but rules are rules," replied the Judge. "Do it."

The Rabbit, with a somewhat embarrassed air, cleared his throat, and read as follows:

Twenty-one treasonous tales on one day,
Twenty-one treasonous tales.
Take him away,
This traitor will pay
For his twenty-one treasonous...

The Prisoner raised his hand; both hands, in fact, since he was manacled. "I would like to point out, in my defence, that I've never seen these stories before in my life. I had nothing to do with them."

"You would say that, of course," the Rabbit sneered.

"But you only have to look at them – they're not even in my handwriting."

"Which only goes to prove your guilt. If you had not written them," the Rabbit concluded, "you would not have felt it necessary to disguise the fact."

"That doesn't even make sense," said the Prisoner.

"A fact which confirms it was you," replied the Rabbit triumphantly.

"But I'm completely innocent," the Prisoner wailed. "Well, nearly."

The Judge intervened at this point. "Can we please get on? This is taking up far too much of my valuable time. Call your first witness."

At once, the Rabbit issued a terrifying summons: "Call Sergeant Schultz!"

"Me?" Schultz jumped to his feet, causing the bench to tip over. Ignoring the loud complaints of the spectators who had been spilled onto the ground, he bustled up to the front of the court. He wasn't quite sure of what one was supposed to do in a court room, so to be on the safe side, he came to attention. "Sergeant Schultz, reporting for duty."

"What do you know about this business?" demanded the Rabbit.

"Nothing. I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know..."

"Aha! just as I suspected."

The Prisoner uttered a feeble giggle. "You see? He knows nothing. That means..."

"That means, we have our answer," the Rabbit interrupted furiously. "Whenever Schultz knows nothing, it means there is some criminal activity going on right under his nose. What more proof of treason do we need, than Schultz's complete ignorance?"

The Judge and his sister both turned to look at Schultz, who quailed under the twin beady-eyed scrutiny. "I believe he has a point, Albert," said Gertrude. "It seems very strange to me."

"In fact," said the Rabbit, warming to the idea, "Schultz's professions of ignorance are starting to ring very hollow. There is something very suspicious about it."

The Prisoner cleared his throat nervously. "You know, I've often thought the very same thing. I mean, how on earth can so much stupidity exist in one man? It makes no sense, unless..."

"Unless he has something to hide," added the Judge.

"So, Schultz," the Rabbit concluded, "what do you have to say about this? What kind of treachery have you been up to?"

All eyes were now on Schultz. He opened his mouth to refute this unexpected accusation, but nothing came out but a sort of whining yammer which gradually resolved into his one and only defence: "I-I-I see nothing! I-I hear nothing! And I know..."

"Nothing! Nothing" shrieked the entire court, and as if on command, all present rose and charged towards him. Schultz uttered a wail of terror, and cowered, covering his head with both arms.

"Schultz! Schultz! Wake up!"

"Nothing!" With a final squeak, Schultz sat bolt upright, and found himself sitting outside Barracks 3, in the sunshine, with Colonel Hogan and his men standing around him.

"Wake up, Schultz," said Colonel Hogan. "You've been sleeping for ages."

"Oh, I was dreaming," Schultz sighed. "And it was such a strange dream, all about..."

He trailed off. On the other side of the perimeter wire, just at the edge of the woods, an enormous Rabbit was watching him.

"Well, go on, Schultz," said Hogan. "What did you dream about?"

It was probably just an ordinary Rabbit, of course. But better not to take any chances.

"Nothing," said Schultz, with finality. "Absolutely...nothing!"

A few notes:

There is one direct quote (well, almost) from Alice in the above, but it's not from the corresponding chapter of the original. Brownie points for anyone who spots it and knows where it belongs.

There's also a direct quote (well, almost) from Edward Lear. Double brownie points if you can spot that.

Congratulations to the writers who took part in the Speed Writing Challenge this year – twenty-one stories were submitted, which is an excellent showing considering the fairly short notice.

Special thanks must go to katbybee whose picture prompts were a great addition to this year's challenge.

See you all next year!