Hi everyone! This is my first foray into TF2 fanfiction, and I'm somewhat new to the fandom as well, so I'm rather excited/nervous to see how this turns out. This idea popped into my head one morning and I couldn't shake it loose. I hope the premise isn't too ridiculous, but then again, Soldier's roommate is a magician. :)

Hope you enjoy!

Eight Mercenaries And A Toddler

"Only where children gather is there any chance of real fun." –Mignon McLaughlin

"No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone you answer it." –The Internet

Prologue: Ten Minutes To Five

Four-fifty struck in Teufort like it struck every day in Teufort.

That is to say, it struck with the vengeance of the RED Scout's prized baseball bat. As the BLU Soldier collapsed from the force of the swing, Scout allowed himself to do a victory dance of sorts. "Oooh yeah! Didya see that, doc?"

The RED Medic was a little preoccupied with trying to keep his teammates alive, but in any case he nodded as he and the Heavy ran past into the last frantic minutes of the fray. "Ja, ja, vunderbar, Scout! Now get moving!"

From the way Scout beamed, the Medic had just showered him in compliments. The speedster took off again, running literal circles around the competition. He jumped high into the late afternoon sky, and landed with a characteristic "BONK!" on the BLU Heavy's head. The lumbering Russian had just enough time to groan in pain and half-turn before Scout was off again, laughing like an idiot. "LOOK AT ME, MA!" he roared as he shot past the RED Engineer, who could only roll his eyes good-naturedly at his young teammate's display.

Something small and hot whistled past Scout and he yelped in pain, clutching his shoulder. A Sniper's bullet had grazed him. The look of surprise and pain on Scout's face twisted itself into a smirk. He spun on his heel, waving his arms in the vague direction of the origin of the bullet. "SNIPE THIS YA FRICKIN' COWARD!"

The BLU Sniper must have been taken aback by Scout's sudden bravado, for the boy was on the move again before the bullets started to rain down.

Oh man, I am on fire today. And not like the horrific Pyro-inflicted fire either!

Scout's stunningly stupid euphoria could be put down to a few simple reasons. First, he had only suffered a few minor wounds and scratches today, no nauseating Respawn for him! Second, it was Friday, which meant the weekend off and sleeping in. And boy oh boy, did Scout love sleeping in. And last, but perhaps most importantly, today was his twenty-first birthday. He could officially get as hammered as the Demoman and nobody could say a damn thing about it.

Scout was already planning his big night out, and so engrossed was he with his overactive imagination he didn't notice the BLU sentry gun until he had already rounded the corner at full speed. He yelped and grappled for his scattergun, bracing himself for the sensation of bullets ripping through his flesh.

It didn't come. Instead there was the unmistakable sound of shortening circuits and a sapped sentry.

Scout opened an eye (funny, he didn't recall shutting them in panic) and stared at the RED Spy. Spy wore a smug expression as he lit up a cigarette. "That should throw a wrench in their plans, non?"

"Thanks Frenchie!" Scout pocketed his gun with a sigh of relief. "I coulda handle it, though. The lucky streak I've been havin'—nothin' can go wrong for me. Well, nuh-tin ever goes wrong for me anyway, y'know? But you guys can see the master in action!" Still distracted, still grinning like a fool, Scout stepped over the downed sentry. He was about to take off again, but paused. "Hey, did I mention today is my birth—urk!"

White-hot pain washed across his back at the same time understanding slapped him in the face. All in all, a painful experience. He glanced back, suspicions confirmed when the crisp red suit took on a blue color. The BLU Spy's butterfly knife was jerked out of his back roughly and with a grunt Scout fell to his knees. With no time to think, no time to curse his sudden reversal in fortune, Scout grappled for his earpiece. "The frickin' Spy is a Spy!" he croaked, "Spy ain't one of us—"

He was cut off as a dark blue glove was clamped around his mouth. Out of the corner of Scout's eye he could just make out the tell-tale wisp of a cloaking device. "I was never on your side."

The Frenchman's hiss was the last thing Scout heard before his entire world went black.

That sound you just heard was me drop-kicking some game mechanics for the sake of the plot. Don't worry, this isn't the last we'll see of the BLUs. :)

Hope you liked it and stay tuned!

~Chaos