Grammatically, there are only a few issues I've mentioned before. There were many fewer here, however, which I like! The 'said' before a statement, and the infrequent, unnecessary period, primarily. It's pretty low-key, so I wouldn't worry about it much.

One thing I really like about your style is the method of having a completely understandable conversation without tags. There are multiple sections here where you have nearly paragraphs of words (3 sentences paragraph in my book) encased by quotation marks, and I can still see who said it and when. It's a problem I've worked with myself, so I'm a tad sensitive to it.

The entry of Special Envoy Vakarian; nice! The timing is good, speech mannerism, excellent. Having it here in Chapter 3 gives you enough room to introduce the concept, firm up the players, and extend the main theme just a tad. At this point in the story, you've gone full circle, back to the Cerberus joint that started this whole thing, no? I like that recursive storytelling.

On the downside, I'd kinda prefer a slightly more 'alien' turian. At the moment, they feel like humans with weird skin conditions. I would suggest minor changes to fix that; sound differences (whistles when the speak, clacking mandibles, or the soft wooshing air of their facial articulations), visual cues (can turians see into other spectrums? Tiny details that only other turians can see?). That can play into bigger things, like body language and cultural traditions. You have that in the first chapter in spades, but it kinda depletes by this point.

Overall, you have tight, efficient work here. The entire arc is relatively simple, but complex enough to make it work into a much larger concept.

Keep up the good work!

Some additional context for my poll response:

I kind of just voted for the two non-Andromeda-related options because I have effectively zero interest in Andromeda's events, but more than that I just think a story that stayed grounded in the concerns and politics of Citadel Space would have more resonance.

Of the two options proposed I think that the Reaper one would require more reinterpretation and development of events in order to avoid, as you put it, becoming boring; but if you did that and put in the extra work I would find the end result (however more delayed) the more interesting of the two. Some things to think about from my own attempts to rectify and reinterpret the coming of the Reapers:

1: I always thought that the timescale of ME3 was weirdly stretched out- what should have been decided in a matter of hours instead took some vague number of days or weeks, creating this weird dissonance of mood where some parts of the galaxy seem to be more or less operating on business as usual while in others thousands of people are dying horribly each minute. I am a big supporter of condensing the entire Reaper incursion down so that the time-crunch is much more immediate and every wasted hour brings galactic civilization that much closer to oblivion. (Yes, I know that in ME1 the harvest of the Protheans supposedly took centuries, but I always thought that referred to the actual logistics of resource-collection and Reaper construction and the actual destruction of Prothean civilization occurred much more quickly.) This creates a very tense, tight environment for a narrative where the characters are basically always doing something important and there are very few timeskips.

2: I always thought that ME3 ran way too far with the idea of direct military resistance against the Reapers, making it far more effective than it should have been against such a supposedly powerful threat. This relates closely with the above point- I don't think it's possible for any amount of turian military force (or krogan or whatever, see below) to actually hold the line against the Reapers as opposed to just slowing them down a bit, so every minute spent at first means entire units being wiped out on Menae and once there are no more defenders another few square kilometers of Palaven being glassed.
If the Reapers cannot be defeated militarily, that leaves the galaxy's only hope as some sort of ver "off button" or technological solution. This runs the risk of becoming a (potentially literal) deus ex machina, but it also does a very useful thing- it turns the direct work of stopping the Reapers from a big problem requiring many forces doing a little into a problem requiring a few key people doing a lot, which is a lot more friendly to a narrative with main characters. You mention "a lot of retrieving personnel, research, and resources before the Reapers arrive in an area" as potentially being boring, but if all those things were directly related to a Manhattan-project-like silver bullet that the characters were instrumental in bringing to fruition that raises the stakes much higher and gives their actions a clear impact, which could help.
Having some experience with these sorts of large technical projects I thought that the ME3 Crucible was a pretty piss-poor attempt as it was (and it's additionally infeasible as the timescale contracts). I think it would make more sense for the off switch to be the conclusion of a much longer research and development cycle started in ME1 or earlier, where either new information is made available now that there are active Reapers to study or artifacts from previous cycles become active due to the arrival event itself and this allows the program to jump to its conclusion with only a days-long work-bender from the scientists involved. However, this is more a technical issue than a literary one and is probably not super important.

3: While it's true that a big existential threat like the Reapers would be conducive to bringing old enemies together, I feel like ME3 went out of its way to set up contrived circumstances to give the krogan, quarians, and geth (and to a lesser degree the Systems Alliance) undue influence that they could trade for astropolitical "favors". Not every species who has had a representative on Shepard's squadmate list is going to be capable of *mattering* in something like the Reaper War, and some might even take advantage of the chaos and lack of attention from the major powers to launch insurrections. I think it would be much better to give the key players tough decisions where the underdogs have to put aside their grievances for the moment to contribute what they can to resolving the threat, and let the big powers do what they do best (I was initially thinking specifically of the krogan not getting the genophage cure, but I realize that perhaps a better place to do this might be with the Batarian Hegemony).

Well this was quite interesting- it's the first turians-f*ck-yeah 'fic I've read here that didn't do bizarre things to their physiology and turn the species into something one step above animals. I thought the prose was a bit dry, but mechanically it's quite sound and the action is punchy and well-thought-out. I'd definitely like to read more, should this project ever revive.

I see improvements from the last time I reviewed here, and it's good to see you back Arch :)

One grammar suggestion; when noting an individual as 'saying' something, you might want to conclude the statement with 'said,' rather than prefacing it. While the preface certainly does set the tone, I think it would be more efficiently placed as a modifier afterwards. But, that's just an opinion.

For the Turian history, I like what you've done with it. My suggestion would be to eventually add a historian to your crew, someone whom's job is solely to track kills, average hit ratios, valiant actions, and record them all into the group's history. There could even be a 'public' and 'private' history, yes?

One thing I *really* like is how you've depicted the cabal as being made up of what are essentially social misfits. That is precisely how elite squads/companies have been made in the past. Something to keep in mind, roughly 2-3% of any average human population is wiling/able to kill at the onset: psychopaths and the protective 'elder sibling' mindset. That's part of what made WWI take so long, everyone was firing into the air.

One thing I really don't like about FF is how the indent function is essentially irrelevant. I'm constantly amazed at how many people can work around that problem with extra spaces. Creative, and good usage.

Biology next. You are depicting the mandibles as being multi-purpose: quivering, drooping, and dropping. This kinda makes them seem prehensile, but at the same time 'alien.' Excellent! An additional modification I would suggest is sounds. Do they click? Creak? Soundless? As an example, my fingers do not make noise when they move, but I can pop the knuckles from time to time. What do mandibles do?

I'm a little puzzled at the apparent disrespect for barefaced individuals. From what Garrus/codex have said, I didn't think it was quite *that* bad ... but it's your universe. On the other hand, they're only human :p

One query; will you have some antipathy against the asari for their role in the group's recent (relatively) past? Some disgruntled disrespect? Having a disgruntled - or gruntled - asari can make a grudge last a millenia, but when you can compare that to a group that holds traditions twice as old just as strongly, that gives potential.

Keep up the great work!

Just finished chapter 1. Gotta say, this is interesting. you've clearly done your homework on turian military and social life. The one thing I can suggest to you as a fellow writer is to be a bit more descriptive about locations and surroundings. It's not the most important thing in the world, but it helps set the tone and gives readers a mental image of what's happening. Otherwise, the dialogue felt natural and Mirin seems like a well-developed character. Good beginning!

An interesting start; not too many non-Garrus-centered fics that I've seen.

Good points; originality. You've opened up quite a bit in the Turian cabal groups, specifically the Black Ops area. While a popular genre for writers, I'm glad you didn't go with the Blackwatch group - that would have been a little cliche, to my mind anyway.

There was a bit of a problem in the thoughts area. For better readability, it would be helpful if the thoughts and words were separated. The address in particular ("Mirin") would have been more noticeable if it had its own line, possibly with more thoughts for Mirin to flesh out the depth.

Continuing that thought, the emphasis on the last word in the sentence: "Have a nice day, *Cabalist*" was lost in the 'thought speak' of the next sentence ("I've never heard my rank ..."). The solution for that, I think, is to give the thought its own line. Not exactly orthodox in MLA or Chicago formatting, but completely acceptable in fiction.

The lore you use is good; love the depth you've gone into. However, I would disagree with part of the third level of turian relationships. The 5-10 year contract renewal sounds very turian to me, but the multiple partners does not. Maybe amongst volus, or hanar ... but turians?

As an example, Garrus mentions being with a hand-to-hand specialist, the tie-breaker round in specifics. That supports your first level, and possibly your second level as well.

However, Garrus mentions his father and his mother (in ME2 and ME3). Even though his mother is dying if a horrendous disease, his father never apparently saw the need to take another 'marriage' into consideration, despite the additional possible care for children when she dies. The Vakarian family seems to be very strong in tradition, and it is a bit of Lore that Garrus has at least one sibling (indeterminate age, probably over the legal age), but if the legal age is approximately 18, and the license renewal is 10 years, Garrus 's father would have had at least one other 'wife' in order to care for a younger sibling (who is probably younger than 27 years of age).

That's the only real 'plot hole' I've been able to spot, which is pretty good in my opinion.

Hope this helps! Keep up the good work!

"Hey, easy Zel, ..." this reads like 'easy zel' is a nickname because the vocative comma is missing. for clarity, i'd make 'hey' its own sentence and follow it with a new sentence that starts: 'Easy, Zel, ..." and so on.

"Ka ... ptain." hahaha, cute.

good going introducing the characters this way. your protag is meeting some of them for the first time too, so it feels very natural.

well, that's a more interesting way to convey lots of information. as a speech about the unit they've all been assigned to. and it gives us the history in a less dry way than just a massive info dump. be wary of the the info dump. it's the boogeyman of fics. most readers can't retain more than half a dozen factoids to carry on to later events in the story. that's why it's generally better to seed them throughout, tie them to specific persons or conversations. but this is not a bad way to do it. especially love a CO that can crack a joke.

and flexible chains of command? nice. even in the most rigid of structures, there must be those who can be fluid. who knows what they might have to face? they can't freeze during an unprecedented situation just because there's no SOP, no textbook response. someone's gotta be ready to think outside the box. lol.

anyway, good chapter. lots of great stuff in here. i'm getting a feel for how your characters operate, and what motivates them. i really like the fiery one. the bareface tavern brawler. lol.

some of the issues i previously stated for chapter 1 are present here too. most notably, the lack of 's on singular possessives that end in s.

Mirin continues to be an interesting character. She shows professionalism and an ability to lead that lends her a great deal of credibility. You can see from the way she interacts with her people and the amount of preparation she puts into the briefing that she deserves her position. She's earned it.

What she does not do in this chapter is show a single instance of emotion. We get her thoughts, we hear her words and read a description of her actions, but there are no sensations or emotions to connect us to her where it is most important ... on a personal basis.

Safely out of earshot, Mirin said, "Seriously, two days and a fight?" - here for example, dealing with her unruly team member. Is she disappointed? Annoyed? Does she understand the cabalist's issues and feel empathy? Are all these things jockeying for position? Does she feel anger when the cabalist doesn't take responsibility for her actions? Taking responsibility for one's actions is a huge deal to turians. To not do so is to abandon honour. Someone who has two marks against them like the cabalist has, the more they act with dishonour, the more they prove the haters right. Even knowing Mirin the little that I do, I think that would dismay her. She seems to want to raise up those around her.

I enjoyed the thought and the detail that you put into the unit's history. It is excellent knowledge for you to have as the author, and again, lends a tremendous amount of credibility and authenticity to the story. However, now that I am a few minutes from having read it ... I remember ... that the unit killed four significant officers. The problem with dumping a whole lot of information on the reader at one time without anything to tie it to ... to make it relevant and important to us, is that we forget it. :( It's the sad truth. Our inability to store that much information without it being tied to something important to the story, we can hold 7 pieces of it. The rest just washes past us. So, I would suggest spreading it out where you can make it important for us to remember.

I enjoyed seeing Mirin take control of her unit. I can see that she will be a competent commander. I would love the opportunity to get to know her better, in a more personal way ... to see what makes her tick. :)

"... Guard Captain Vidinos' command Cabal ..." even if it ends in 's', a singular possessive should still have an 's: Vidinos's (i know it looks weird as balls, but that's the current editorial standard. it's not the way i learned either, but standards change.)

"'a very bad fall'" ha! that'll teach the lying bastard.

"Spirits, I don't know..." ellipses missing space before it.

"Hmpf... I don't really have ..." ellipses after 'hmpf' missing a space before it.

"After that, well... that will depend on you." ellipses missing space before it.

well, it's every ellipses, which might be because the standard is different in other countries.

other than that nitpickyness, i really enjoyed this exploration into nonhuman-centric happenings. seeing their lives without the convenience of a 'human' lens to ask the silly questions about why turians do stuff, how it all works together. and in the notes, i found more things of interest, like the multiple marriage thing. that's really interesting. and oddly fitting for a militaristic society. there's going to be a lot of casualties, after all.

one thing i'd crit is ... i'm not very close to the characters. the writing's not very passive or anything, which is good. not passive is good. we want active. we want engaged. it's just ... what i think i'm feeling a lack of is physical reactions to thoughts and others' opinions. yes, the cabals are generally distrusted if not reviled, but how does she feel about it? does she tense at the mention of her rank? do her guts knot? palms sweat? flush of anger under the ol' plates? sour about it? bitter? it just seems she's resigned. that she's fine with the yoke. but i suppose one could view turians as a duty-bound people, happy in their alotted roles. hmmmm.

anyway, that's all i got and it's not much crit. it's a very well-written chapter. we have delightful, relatable characters and a peek into turian life. very nice!

An interesting story. I love that you're focusing on a little known, but fascinating branch of what it is to be turian. I really enjoyed the world-building that you did within the story. It didn't stand out in huge chunks, but blended in, giving me information where I could link it to something and remember it.

Your main character has me interested, although to be truly intrigued, I'd need to get more of a sense of how she sees and experiences the world, what is going on inside her emotionally. Here's a quick example of what I mean for this sentence: "Damn it, Kamus… If you had told me that, I'd have still accepted the promotion. I've spent the last twenty minutes feeling awful for taking the Cabal away from you."

"Damn it, Kamus ..." Mirin clenched her talons into a fist, but eased back the implied threat with a quick flutter of mandibles. "... if you had told me that, I'd still have accepted the promotion." She shook her head, then pulled it back, affecting a haughtiness she really didn't feel. "I've spent the last twenty minutes feeling awful for taking the Cabal away from you."

Kamus straightened a little, but his mandibles spread and dropped, not exactly submissive, but apologetic.

Sitting the reader right down inside the character's head and showing the world through their eyes rather than telling about it through the narrator will always be more involving for the reader. That way, they get to live a whole other life rather than just read a story ... if that makes sense.

Here is a really easy example of moving from telling to showing ... Silence hung for a minute, then Kamus said

Silence hung between them, a weight that grew heavier with each breath, ... what is the /experience/ of that moment from the character's POV. We go through life with very personal filters, seeing things differently than everyone else, and I would LOVE to see the world through Mirin's. :D Because she's, as I said, an interesting character.

The conversations could use some movement and placing of the characters just to add atmosphere and to anchor them in the scene. Right now, they are very much talking heads, and here at the end, I got lost with who was saying what.

But these are small things, and I enjoyed the chapter very much. I am looking forward to seeing where you take Mirin and this version of the turian people. :D

Very good action, mate! Really found it awesome and easy to keep up.

Setting up the proper through dialogue is done quite nicely. I am assuming this is during the early parts Reaper War, just before they invaded as opposed to the middle or end yes?

If so I think it could have been beneficial to have some background narration, kind of like how ME does it their games. The reason for this is sort of to show where the story is going to start. Is it going to be in a conflict or battle merely mentioned during ME3 or will be focusing on OC battles and how they affect the grand story.

Also would have been nice in through narration you could have had listed the character qualifications such as Cabal, STG, etc however I presume this will be in the next chapter. My personal preference would have been to start it as the main character preparing to drop into battle or just about to reach a spaceport, which you do have, however have her give her first impressions of her squadmates and see how she may change them overtime.

That being said, I fuckin love you for including Captain Vidinos from ME3. Even though he was a war asset I think he could have played a bigger role. Also considering his team is a spec-ops unit would it be fair to consider them Blackwatch? The reason is that is all the Hierarchy has for spec-op units that we know of.

Usually I prefer to have my review focus on other things aside from grammar as there are way too may people focusing on that. I like looking at the other elements of the story. If I may ask, was the JSTF inspired by a real life unit or was it something completely created with your imagination?

BTW: Fun fact in a collab I have, one of the main human factions in the story is Joint Strike Force or JSF composed of Guam, Puerto Rico, and UNAS militaries and special forces units. Interestingly enough the JSF F-35 strike fighter also carries the Joint Strike Force name even though the countries that will use the fighter are allies and not homogeneous as the U.S.

I've got a soft spot for non-human-centric fics, and its certainly great to become immersed in a good one like this.

Military organization is set up well without tossing in too much word salad or too little structure, and its interesting to see the turian military as made up of tye same type of nepotism, cronyism, and bully as in real life. The turians are always touted as disciplinarian, seeing them in a new light, even if its just a few units, really grounds them for me.

Didnt see any obvious errors, but if I were to suggest anything Id go with just a little bit more history behind Kamus, though Im sure hes fleshed out later on.

Looking forward to reading more!

I like the idea behind this story! While I know very little about turian history (or the Heirarchy for that matter) you clearly do. Alternatively, it's author created, in which case you have a great imagination! But I digress...

My only feedback for this would be that there's very little backstory, though you very well might disclose this in the next chapter, and I just haven't gotten there yet lol. The dialogue was great, the interactions between the characters was also really good, but I think it just needs a little something else between the lines. Maybe some descriptions on characters, surroundings, etc. Just to help us visual folks imagine it a bit more clearly. Otherwise though, great work!

ACTION, ACTION! Here we come! I want it now! LOL! Give it to me now, baby! :D