"Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove."

- Terry Pratchett

Hey, you! With the disposable income! Buy me a coffee by visiting ko-fi dot com and going to my profile (also siriuslocked)

About Me

Imagine a bear. No, bigger than that. Preferably a polar bear, because I trust them. Okay. Got the polar bear in your head? Now give him a machine gun, and put him in an arena. Off to one side of the arena, there's a portcullis. See it? Okay, it's rising now, and someone's coming out of it. It's me. I'm tall. I've got a breadknife in one hand, and a shield with Oscar Wilde's face on it in the other. I'm wearing leather armour, covered in battle scars. Quite possibly, I also have a mysterious, badass scar on my face. Whereabouts on my face is up to you. Okay. Now I'm walking up to the bear. I grit my teeth with Stoic bravery, repressing my terror, and charge. The bear lifts his machine gun in his big bear paws, and shoots me repeatedly in the chest. I stagger, but keep going. You know that bit in The Fellowship of the Ring where Boromir finally gets badass? It's like that, but with bullets instead of arrows. The bear runs out of ammo. I cast my knife and shield aside, tear off my armour, and turn away from the bear. I look up at the arena stands. The bear clubs me around the back of the head. I fall to my knees. I won't hurt the bear. I'm a vegetarian. But I have to put on a show. I'm a slave to my audience. They cheer me. You feel a single tear roll down your face. You get to your feet, and give me a standing ovation. I catch your eye, nod, and smile, sadly. Somewhere, an acapella rendition of We Are The Champions starts playing. The arena falls silent.

English grad, playwright, supposed screenwriter. Open to commissions/requests/offers of marriage via PM.

Stalk me and send funny pictures of cats on my social medias

Twitter: @TATT3RSALL

Insta: @agtattersall

A NOTE ON COLLABS: it's highly unlikely I'll be able to be part of one since my writing schedule is bad enough as it is, and I would rather say no from the offset than agree to work together and drop out halfway through. So shoot me an ask because you never know, but please don't take it personally if I can't work with you.