Quotes/ catchphrases

Well, if you don't like it. You can fall into a burning pit of cobras!

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

"Are you crazy?!" "No. I'm insane. what's your excuse?"

Karma is my friend...today.

I swear, I had nothing to do with it!

When in doubt, blame it on a ghost named Jerry.

No, I'm not daydreaming. I'm staring at the wall for my own amusement.

"You said you weren't going to be here today." "That's next week" "...oops... 'note to self, cancel the knife juggling clown'."

"I swear there's a ghost in my science classroom!" "Oh yeah, prove it." "I named it Jerry!"

Don't mind me. I'm not being suspicious or anything.

Just do what I do. Pretend you don't know what's going on.

Ah, the magic of stupidity.

For the last freaking time! There're not vampire teeth!

"Sometimes I wonder what you'd do without me." "Have more friends and sanity. "

Step away from the shiny thing!

"do you know the muffin man?" "Yeah, why?" "He oughs me a muffin button."

To be or not to be? The question is, why are you asking me?

What the hell is the H-word?

How many times do I have to tell you my frist instinct is to hit, kick, or punch?

I'm sorry. Do you see a straight jacket? I didn't think so.

"You scare me" "that's a good thing."

[And now for a small moment from my life]

teacher- "okay, it's May's last day here. So, what should we do for her?"

Me- "BALLOON PARTY!"

other students- *stare at me*

Teacher- "No balloon party!"

Me- *sits back in chair* "...Well then..."

[Another small moment from my life]

Sub teacher- *sees me walk in room* "there's another class?"

Me- "yeah. The teacher should be here any minute now."

Sub- "oh, okay." *picks up stuff and leaves*

Other students- *walk in room and sit down*

Fifteen minutes later

Me- "where the hell is the teacher?"

Student- "she said she wouldn't be here today. There's supposed to be a substitute."

Me- "oops." *slumps in chair* "this may be my fault."

Student- *looks terrified* "WHAT DID YOU DO!!??"

Things I would probably say:

Try and stop me then you self-proclaimed normal people!

If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.

This isn't an office. It's hell with florescent lighting.

"Did you fall?" "No. I attacked the floor." "BACKWARDS?!" "Yeah, I'm freaking talented."

An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says, "So far, so good!"

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.

Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some damn good ideas.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

I battle sarcasm with logic. I call it logicasm.

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because I just rigged your house with explosives.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I'm such a REBEL. I leave messages before the beep!

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Drive it like you stole it!

I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay.

There are two types of pedestrians—the quick and the dead.

There are very few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.

I didn't say it was your fault. I was just blaming it on you.

A computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.

There are three sides of an argument. Your side, my side, and the right side.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' is congress the opposite of progress?

A movie must have three things before its any good. 1) Explosions. 2) Duct Tape. 3) Frying pans. This can be a metaphor, as in: 1) Action. 2) Escape scenes. 3) Random and amusing moments. Or it can be just literal, explosions, duct tape, and frying pans.

A human can survive three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food, but not one second without hope.

"Sir, what you just said, is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber, for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul." "...Okay a simple "wrong" would have done just fine…”

"Right here! Stop!" ... "What the hell am I looking at!? When does this happen in the movie?!" "Now. You're looking at now sir, everything that happens now is happening now." "What happened to then?" "We passed that." "When?" "Just now. We're at Now now." "Go back to then!" "When?" "Now!" "Now?" "Now!" "I can't." "Why?!" "We missed it." "When?" "Just now." "When will then be now?" "Soon." "...How soon?"

Heaven kicked me out. Hell was afraid I'll take over.

I'm bored. Run for your sanity. :D

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

"I want to die in my sleep like my great grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car..."

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. I think my work here is done.

I love you is 8 letters, so is BULLSHIT.

One day, your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Smile. It confuses people.

Bravery is just a nice way of saying stupidity

So... what you're saying is, I should cancel my plans to invade China…

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Just when I think you've said the most stupid thing ever you keep on talking.

If everything seems to being going well...you have OBVIOUSLY overlooked something...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

Sense is like cheesecake

Your right to smoke stops when it interferes with my right to breathe.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway

A day without sunshine is like... night.

Everything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.

It's okay, Pluto. I'm not a planet either.

God, give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the strength to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to hide the dead bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.

If you can't drink and drive, why the hell do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

It is a sad day when you fail your IQ test. Its an even sadder day when you fail your gender test.

"Go forth and set the world on fire." screw the metaphorical, literal all the way

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

I’m not clumsy…the floor just hates me.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Friends will help you find your way when you're lost, best friends will be the one messing with your compass, stealing your map and giving you bad directions

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to

If you don't like the way I drive, then get off the sidewalk.

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give you lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons!! I'm going to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

You know what! Earth sucks, I’m going home!

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you keep on talking.

What is this 'kindness' you speak of?

Somehow, in some way, that was all your fault.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on.

Retreating! Hell no, we're just attacking the other direction!

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I've been given sugar. Please use this time to prepare for the end of the world

When life gives you lemons, throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in the eyes

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and yell "Storms Suck"

Everyday I think people can't get any stupider. Everyday I am proven horribly wrong

The only reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answer I accept

What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding

A vase is basically a flower torture device; you rip it from its home, put it in a small container and watch it die slowly

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it

I'm not crazy... I just do whatever the voices tell me to.

Kids are the future. Be afraid, Be very afraid!

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Please, do learning good, for our futures.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my ceiling?

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then I get hit in the face.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Don’t mess with me. I've got a stick.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

I'm not afraid of death! What's it going to do? Kill me?

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them!

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

I used up all my sick days...so I called in dead.

Stressed is Desserts backwards :)

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the least.

You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

There's a light at the end of every tunnel...lets just hope it's not a train.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I am in shape...round is a shape.

I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder.

Boys are like trees – they take fifty years to grow up.

Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.

Forecast for tonight: darkness.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are you scared?!

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water!

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