Guess who's back? It's me! Who is ready for new content?

Date: March 27, 2018

"Where Have You Been?" It's a Long Story. Let's Talk About It.

I'm back! And it's been a hell of a ride but let me bring everyone up to speed on what's been going on these past few years. It's important to me that you all know what's been going on with me. (Please note that I'm restating some stuff I wrote on one of my tumblr blogs in this post.) I'm about to get pretty freaking personal with this, so trigger warning for abuse, suicidal thoughts, etc.

A while back I mentioned going through a crisis over switching my major. Well, on top of that, I ended up going through a serious medical crisis. Ever since I had corrective jaw surgery that my mother forced me to get in high school, I've suffered through a list of chronic illnesses (I gained a new one practically every year.) For about 2 years into college, I had been doing a pretty good job of managing all of them, but in 2014 I completely crashed.

I had already cut my college class schedule in half because of my health and moved by in with my parents. On September 14, 2014, I opened my laptop because I thought, "Tomorrow is Kakashi's birthday. It would be great if I could update my story." Then, I got a migraine and decided to sleep it off instead. It would be better in the morning, right?

Except it wasn't better in the morning. Or the next day. Or the next. I was essentially bedridden and useless for months with no exact cause. I had multiple MRI's and all sorts of tests. I ended up taking a full year off school trying to get my health in order. But eventually, I did!

(Somewhere around this time, the Naruto fandom got way more toxic than usual, so I set Naruto on the back burner for a while.)

I returned to school with my new major that I love, ended up meeting some people who would become some of the best friends I've ever had, and was totally killing it in all my classes. However, I was still living with my parents. Living with my completely abusive mother.

My mother has been mentally and emotionally abusive ever since I hit middle school. Her actions are the trigger that led to the chronic and mental illnesses I suffer from today. She is the one who taught me that my mind and body were wrong. That things like love and acceptance were only for pretty girls. Her abuse, and the abuse I endured from others as a child, are what got me into writing, Naruto, and just escapism. I threw myself into fiction and fantasy. And I wrote. A lot. About beautiful girls who didn’t have parents to torture them. About characters that I had fallen in love with, and when I wrote, they loved me back.

This combination led to my grades plummeting, and up until that point my mother always at least tried to hide her abuse behind backhanded compliments. She stole every notebook I had, even if she had to go through all of my drawers, my trash, follow me to school and make me open my locker while people who tortured me daily stared as she teared them away from me. I learned to only type up stories and hide them on flash drives. I have been unable to write from pen to paper out of fear since.

And I spent sleepless nights as a child staring at this purple jump rope I kept in my closet that hadn’t been touched in years thinking about how happy I used to be, and wouldn’t it be so easy hang myself with it from the ceiling fan? (But I’d go to touch it and immediately back out, and I hated myself for being so weak.) It took me practically 10 years to get away from that place.

Eventually, that ugly side of her reared its head again, and my father could see that. I should admit, I am extremely privileged. In June of 2016, my dad was able to help me get out and even pay bills for a new place and I am forever grateful for that.

But not long after that, 40% of my dad's company was laid off, him included. My parents decided to move back to their home state. It was pretty scary for me, and my mom just kept handing me more things to see what would make the move. She called them "happy memories from my childhood." That's what she was calling the worst four years of my life.

My brain's response to this was to pick up my Naruto DVDs and dive into the original escapism that got me through that terrible time. The first episode started, Iruka came on screen, and on that in September of 2016, it hit me... Iruka is 22 years old in the first episode. I was 23. I was older than Iruka is in episode 1.

When I started watching Naruto for the first time, I was so deep in depression and suicidal ideation that I genuinely didn't think I was going to live past the age 14, let alone to 23. It feels childish to say, but I think Naruto kept me alive. I did not know what to do with this realization. I think I just broke. It did not help when I went to see my parents that October in their new place and my mom handed a very large, heavy bag.

It was every single notebook and scrap of paper she had stolen from me, as mentioned in the original post. Four years-worth of writing.

Every scrap of paper and word that she used to torture me with over four years. Everything she fucking screamed at me for. Everything she called me a terrible daughter for. Everything she used to beat two mental illnesses into me with. Everything she hates about me.

And she just handed it all back to like it was nothing? Like she didn’t make my life a living hell? Like every night I ever cried myself to sleep wishing I had the courage to kill myself because of her never even happened? And my dad thought I’d be happy to have all of it back and I realized that he doesn’t even know. He has no idea of the extent of the damage that’s been done to me because of her. And it took me a while to figure out what I should do, but I did.

"So what's next for Entangle in a Missing Memory?"

I'm learning how to heal.

I'm learning how to write stories and ideas on paper again.

Entangle In a Missing Memory will continue. Most of you don't know this, but I created Rairakku back in middle school, even though I didn't start the original EIAMM until high school. I haven't abandoned her. She's kind of a part of me now. That being said, it's been years. I've grown as a writer and as a person. I am not happy with the story as it is currently. So it's getting a massive rewrite. There are going to be some changes.

When I was originally writing it, I was scared really digging into some challenging areas. I'm an adult now, so I'm not anymore. Because of that, the rating most likely going to change to an M.

I have been busy with school, unfortunately, but I graduate this semester (and I turn 25.) I will make time for this. It's happening. Expect new chapters towards the last week of every month!