"It's blue for not pregnant, right?" Clarified Rimmer, looking eagerly at Lister's pregnancy test.

"Yes," replied Lister, still pacing nervously.

"Good news, Listy, excellent news!" Rimmer beamed.

"Oh, thank god!" Lister sighed in relief.

"I'm going to be an uncle!"

"What? No! No!" Lister cried, running over and snatching the test from out of Cat's hand. Sure enough it was red as red could be. "It's just not possible!" he exclaimed, shaking the stick around some more. Still it remained bright glaring red. "This test must be wrong, I've got to go take another one!" he decided.

"Lister, these tests are 100% accurate. There's no way around it. You're pregnant," said Rimmer, trying to contain his laughter.

Lister sat down and buried his face in his hands. "No. I can't be. This can't be happening. I can't be a dad. Or a mom, or whatever this makes me! I was never supposed to have to worry about this!"

"Well, I'd like to think you've learned a valuable lesson from this fiasco," said Rimmer. "Always use a condom!"

"I was drunk! I don't even remember doing it!" Lister argued.

"Well there's another lesson, don't get drunk!"

Lister groaned and hid his face again until he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Hey, bud, it's gonna be okay," Cat tried to assure him.

"You really think so?"

"Sure it is! I mean, you're gonna get all big and fat and tired from staying up all night but I'm not gonna let that get in the way of my happiness!" said Cat.

Lister sighed defeatedly. "Good to know. I think I'm gonna go to bed now, guys." Standing up from his chair he sulked down the hall and towards his room.

"Ah yes, get as much sleep as you can now, Listy! You won't be getting any in nine months!" Rimmer called after him. So Lister was pregnant. Things were going to get interesting…

Lister flopped down on his bunk and put his hands on his abdomen. "I can't be smeggin' pregnant!" he kept telling himself.

"You are, Dave," said Holly, his face appearing on the screen. "When I do a scan, you now register as a pregnant life form."

"Smegging hell," he groaned and hopped down from his bunk, looking for something to do to take his mind off of the situation at hand. "Get me a chicken vindaloo and a beer milkshake," he told the food dispenser. His meal was quickly delivered to him and he clambered back into his bunk to drown his misery in curry and alcohol.

"What the smeg are you doing!" demanded Rimmer shrilly as he entered their sleeping quarters.

"What? Am I not allowed to eat in bed now?"

"Is that a beer milkshake you're drinking?" asked Rimmer.

"Yeah. What's it to ya?"

"Put that down! You can't drink alcohol! You're pregnant!" Rimmer reminded him.

"You can't drink when you're pregnant?" asked Lister.

"Of course not, you gimboid! Everyone knows that!"

"Well no one ever told me! I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant! Can I at least still smoke?"

"Certainly not! Unless you want your child born with six arms and the brain capacity of a day old tuna fish sandwich."

Lister sighed. "No. I don't want that. But I don't want a child either. Not like this."

"Well, we could always get the scutters to try and cut it out," speculated Rimmer.

"No, I'm not having an abortion. Especially not at the hands of the scutters…" Dave shivered at the thought.

"Well then, Listy, it looks like you're going to have to clean up your act," said Rimmer. "Don't worry, with me as your personal trainer and motivator you'll be in tip top shape and ready to give birth to a healthy child in no time… well as healthy as a child can be when it's parents are you and female you…"

Lister sighed and laid down on his bunk, trying to think of something to drink other than beer.

Meanwhile, Holly was listening in on their conversation sadly. He was still thinking about Hilly, the beautiful female version of himself from the alternate universe whom he had fallen madly in love with. Unlike the female Lister, Holly knew that Hilly truly cared about him and would never abandon him confused and pregnant. But he also knew that they could never be together. "If only I could see her face again…" he said sadly to himself. But then, he suddenly got a bright idea. The computer on Red Dwarf had thousands of faces for him to choose from, so, assuming the databases from the two universes were the same, he should have her face on file too!

Quickly he scanned through all of the faces programmed into the computer database until finally… "Bingo! I've found her!" he exclaimed to no one. He stared at face floating in front of him, lifeless, expressionless, but it was her alright.

"Oh, Hilly. If only it were really you. If only you could speak to me! If only I could see your face all the time! I miss you so much, I can't stand to be apart from you!" he cried. It seemed all was lost for poor Holly when suddenly, another bright idea came to him in the form of the flashing 'select face' button underneath the likeness of Hilly.

"I could change my face… just like I did to become Queeg. If I had your face I could see you every day… it'd be like you were always with me… I know it's a bit crazy but, Gordon Bennett, I don't care anymore!" So without further ado, Holly hit the select button.

It was 7 o' clock the next morning when Holly decided to sound the alarm and wake up the crew. "7 o'clock! It's time to get up, everybody!" she announced, enjoying hearing the lovely sound of her new voice.

Lister groaned and buried his face in the pillow, not wanting to face the reality of day just yet. Rimmer sprung from the bottom bunk and was about to start doing jumping jacks when it occurred to him that something was very different. "Hey! Who are you and what have you done with Holly?" he demanded.

"I am Holly!" she retorted.

"No you're not. You're some drivelling, blonde, computer virus who's trying to kill us all!"

Lister's curiosity was piqued. He lifted his face from the pillow and opened one eye, only to be met with the scene of Rimmer in his pajamas glaring at the floating head of a blonde woman on the computer screen. "Hey, isn't that the female version of Holly from the parallel universe?" Lister recalled groggily.

Rimmer scrutinized her for a second. "Ah, yes, I think it is. Alright, Hilly, where's Holly?"

"Gordon Bennett, I told you! I am Holly!" she insisted.

"I think you've got the wrong dimension. Our Holly's a man," yawned Lister. Perhaps though, it was he who was in the wrong dimension… Maybe Deb had brought him back so they could raise the baby together! Maybe he hadn't been used and discarded after all! His hopes were quickly crushed by Holly's next words.

"Well, you might say I gave myself a sex change operation last night," she replied.

"So now we're hurtling through space at near light speed being piloted by a computer-senile transsexual. That's just splendid," sighed Rimmer. "You could have at least told us you were going to do it so it wouldn't have startled us so much! Lister is pregnant; we should take every care not to scare him."

"Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean you have to treat me like I'm made of glass. I'm more than capable of taking care of me self," Lister complained, getting out of bed. "And I don't mind you being a woman and all now, Hol, but can I ask one thing? Why'd you do it?"

"Well, I guess I just missed Hilly so much that I wanted to be just like her. I know it's insane, but hey, you can't blame a 3 million year old computer for losing a few of her marbles," she shrugged.

"So you're still in love with Hilly," said Lister as he pulled on his pants. "Does that make you like a lesbian now?"

Holly shrugged. "Technically computers aren't supposed to have a sexuality but I guess you could say my bread's always been buttered on both sides."

Rimmer found this conversation was starting to make him blush uncomfortably and it certainly wasn't because he had any issues with his own sexuality. Nope, Arnold J. Rimmer was a complete and utter ladies' man. Straight as an arrow. Bread strictly butter side up. His parents had always condemned anything other than heterosexuality and he certainly wasn't going to be a failure to them in that department too. "Would you two ladies stop your drivelling?" he asked. "Lister, we need to exercise if you're going to deliver a healthy baby!"

Dave groaned. "Come on, man, can't we at least eat breakfast first? I'm starving!"

"You have to work for your food. First some calisthenics and stretching and then a good brisk jog to breakfast!" said Rimmer, bending over to touch his holographic toes. "Come on, Listy! There's nothing like exercise to get you energized in the morning!"

Lister sighed and reluctantly complied. "I can think of one thing. Coffee."

After a brisk jog which left Lister panting, they finally sat down at the breakfast table, joining Cat who was already on his fifth plate of fish. "What took you monkeys so long?" he asked.

Lister wiped the sweat from his brow. "Rimmer's trying to get me in shape so I can have the baby," he sighed.

"You mean you have to exercise now? Wow, that's tough, I'm sure glad I'm not pregnant!"

"Get me some tobacso corn flakes and a cup of vindaloo sauce," Lister instructed the food dispenser, grimacing at the thought of having vindaloo without beer. Besides, with Rimmer being so annoying, he needed alcohol more than ever!

"Lister, you're going to have to eat something more than just curry. You need to have a nutritious diet with fresh fruits and vegetables," Rimmer continued to nag.

"I'll eat 'em, I'll eat 'em. Just let me have me breakfast in peace, please!"

"Oh alright," resigned Rimmer. "But don't come crying to me when your baby is severely malnourished and its DNA is fifty percent vindaloo."

"You boys have a good jog then?" asked Holly, coming up on screen.

"Ah!" screamed Cat. "Who's that!"

"It's Holly," said Dave. "He… she's had a sex change operation."

"You mean you monkeys can change yourself into women!" he exclaimed.

"Well, yes, but it's not really that simple for humans. It is for computers I guess," Lister explained.

Cat looked Lister up and down for a moment, trying to picture him as a woman. "Hey, you wouldn't by any chance be considering getting one of those sex change operations yourself, would you? I mean you're already pregnant, why not just go all the way and then you and me could—"

"No!" Lister stopped the Cat before he could go any further down that very weird path. "I'm not getting a smegging sex change operation! And even if I did, what makes you think I'd go for someone like you?"

"Bud, everyone would go for someone as sexy as me," Cat smirked.

Rimmer shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Lister was pregnant, Holly was a transsexual, and Cat wanted Lister to become a woman so he could have sex with him. Wasn't anyone normal around here anymore?

Lister laid on his bed, trying to hide from Rimmer in plain sight lest he make him do more exercises from the "Yoga for Pregnant Women" book he had found in the ship's database. He was so stressed what with the pregnancy and Rimmer being Rimmer. If only there was something he could do… Suddenly, the glimmer of his silver box of cigarettes caught his eye. Maybe it wouldn't hurt the baby too much to have just one more before he quit…

"Arnold," said Holly. "I'm detecting smoke in your sleeping quarters."

Rimmer turned around and narrowed his eyes. "That despicable space bum! Lister!" he called out, running down the corridor. Before Lister could hear him coming, Rimmer stormed into their sleeping quarters. Startled, Lister quickly hid the cigarette under his covers, which, in hindsight, was not his brightest idea.

"Lister, are you smoking?" demanded Rimmer.

"What? Um no, what makes you think that?"

"Holly detected smoke coming from in here."

"Oh that! I was just um, lighting some of my candles! Thought it would, you know, help me get… zen..."

"Oh really?" asked Rimmer, raising an eyebrow. "Then where are the candles?"

"Um well…"

"And why are your bed sheets on fire?"

Lister quickly looked down and saw his sheet was smoking and starting to catch fire. He screamed and pulled the hand holding the cigarette out from under his sheets and waved it around frantically.

Rimmer just glared at him. "That's what I thought. Lister, you know you're not supposed to smoke when you're pregnant!" He pointed at the 'No Smoking' sign on the wall of their quarters. "You see that sign. Well that applies to you now and I want you to stick to it!"

"It's just so hard!" complained Lister. "I can't help me self!"

"Then I guess I'll have to do what I should have done a long time ago," said Rimmer.

"And that would be?" wondered Lister.

"Oh you'll see. Just stay here for a bit, Listy, take one of those mid-afternoon naps you hippie peaceniks are so fond of. Everything will be taken care of when you wake up…"

As much as Lister was hesitant to let Rimmer carry out whatever plan he had in mind, he actually was kind of tired. He didn't know if it was all of the exercise or if the pregnancy was starting to take a toll on him already. But it was far too soon for that… right?

"Cat, I need your help," said Rimmer, making his way back into the drive room.

"Well for starters, you should never wear those pants with those boots," said Cat.

"Not with fashion, you git! With Lister! I need you to help me get the ship's supply of cigarettes out the airlock."

"What's in it for me?" Cat asked.

Rimmer thought for a moment. "…If you do, I'll let you keep some of the boxes as shiny things."

Cat considered if for a moment. "Any they'll be my shiny things?"

"Yes, yes, you can do whatever you want with them," said Rimmer dismissively. "Now would you please just help me before he wakes up?"

Cat sighed and got up. "Alright, goal-post head. What do I have to do?"

When Lister woke up he was curious to see what Rimmer had done with his cigarettes. He frowned when the first thing he saw as he opened his eyes was a rather large 'No Smoking' sign on the ceiling above his bed. Rimmer had probably just hidden all of the cigarettes again. He wouldn't have gotten rid of them… would he?

Starting to panic just a little bit, Lister got out of bed and went straight for the pack he had left on the table. It was gone. "Smegging hell," he groaned, and went out to find Rimmer and his only possible accomplice, the Cat.

"Okay, Rimmer, where'd you put me cigarettes?" asked Lister, trying not to show his annoyance.

"Oh, don't worry, Listy. They're quite safe," Rimmer assured him with an all-too-smug smile.

"Then where are they?"

"Oh, by now I'd guess they're probably orbiting that last planetoid we passed," smirked Rimmer, very pleased with himself as Lister ran to the window and looked desperately towards the planetoid.

"Smegging hell, Rimmer. Those were probably the last cigarettes in the universe!" said Lister, slumping down into a chair.

"Exactly. Now you should have no problem quitting."

"I could have done it on me own. You didn't have to do that…" said Lister glumly. Then something occurred to him. "Hey, if all the cigarettes are gone than you don't need to have those tacky 'No Smoking' signs hanging in our room anymore."

"Why not!"

"Because it's impossible to smoke. They're pointless," said Lister.

"No they're not! They're the last remnant of a society with any semblance of order, structure, and regulations. They're a part of history and they must be preserved," Rimmer grinned, thinking he had come up with a very smart-sounding response indeed.

"No they're not. They're just smegging annoying," Lister dismissed him.

The hologram's expression dropped. "Well they're my signs and I like them!"

Lister just shook his head. "You're starting to sound like Cat. Speaking of Cat, where is he? I know he had to help you." At that moment the Cat ran through the drive room with a shiny silver cigarette box in his clutches. Lister raised his eyebrows. "Cat, is that—"

"You can't have my shiny thing! It's mine!" Cat proclaimed loudly before running back out. Lister and Rimmer both silently wondered how Cat could run in boots with such high heels.

I love reviews like Lister loves vindaloo! :D