For anyone concerned about spoilers or confused over the continuity: this chapter deals only with Glee Season 1.

This is the last of the Earth Human Kismesis for now, but only because I don't know what to write about next. If you have any suggestions, please leave me a comment!

Your name is Karkat Vantas and the mail just arrived.

You flip through it – more of the endless nonsense humans seem to spew through every available mail delivery incision. You're about to dump the lot of them when you come across one of the monochromatic packages which signal that the irritating garbage within is from a douchebag you happen to know.

Red envelope. Looks like Egbert's got another note from Strider – you'll have to let him know when he finally drags his ass out of his room, which will probably be mid-afternoon sometime.

Wait, no. The envelope isn't addressed to Egbert – the name is Vantas. Just Vantas.

You rip it open.

sup

so i heard you and egbert were having some shitty hate love 101 film fest

enjoy

-tg

There's half a dozen discs in the envelope. Each one is blank except for a red number – the order, you guess. What is noticeably lacking from all of this is any indication of what the discs contain.

You suddenly remember that 'hilarious' video Egbert send you three months ago which you are quite certain nearly caused your blood pusher to explode. You're prepared to bet it was Strider who introduced him to the idea of 'screamers.' Even if this isn't some equally humour filled prank idea, what Strider knows about black romance couldn't fill a pail. You know one thing for sure: you are not showing this to Egbert until you've checked it out on your own.

Might as well get this over with now, while Egbert's still hopping dream bubbles. You shove disc one into the player and glare your way through the commercials. Even though your day has just been ruined by an idiot five states away, you try not to swear loud enough to wake up Egbert – but you can't hold back one question when the menu finally loads.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS 'GLEE'?"

Your name is John Egbert and you just woke up.

Woah! It's ten o'clock already. You overslept!

Well, you guess since it's the weekend you can sleep in, but normally you don't get to! Karkat doesn't sleep that well, so he wakes up really early. He always talks to himself, so he wakes you up too.

But today he didn't?

"karkat?"

Man, you hope he's okay. He's not in his room, he's not in the kitchen... please be okay, Karkat!

"DON'T COME IN HERE!"

He's fine.

You just manage to catch a glimpse of the screen before Karkat jumps up and slams the door in your face. You don't see what he's watching, and he must have the volume turned right down because you can't hear a thing either.

"what's going on?"

Karkat comes out of the living room and shuts the door behind him.

"I AM GRANTING YOU FIVE MINUTES OF MY PRECIOUS TIME TO REASSURE YOU THAT I AM PERFECTLY FINE AND IN NO WAY REQUIRE CONSTANT IRRITATING QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT I AM DOING. IN FACT, I AM THE ONE WHO REQUIRES ANSWERS. PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THE INEXCUSABLE MESS WHICH IS THE HUMAN SYSTEM OF SCHOOLFEEDING."

"well, everyone goes to school together. and grown ups called teachers tell them about different subjects, like i guess history and english and maths and stuff? and older kids go to different schools –"

"IS IT COMMONLY MUSICAL?"

"...not really? i mean there might be a choir or band or something..."

"I SEE. WHERE IN THIS PROCESS DO THE CHEERLEADERS BELONG?"

"well, at high school, for teenagers – uh, older kids? – you can do different clubs and things, like band, and lots of girls want to be cheerleaders i guess? and they tell the sports teams how good they are? and they're meant to be really pretty and popular and also kinda mean..."

"WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE ITEM KNOWN AS THE CELIBACY CLUB?"

"well i guess its kind of silly but some places teenagers promise not to have sex – you know, uh –"

"DO NOT TRY AND EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANS. I ALREADY KNOW AND YOU'VE WASTED THREE MINUTES SO FAR WITHOUT THE NONSENSICAL STUTTERING."

"well, they promise not to. i guess so they won't get pregnant?"

"WHAT IS –"

"you know, uh, where human females, uh, wrigglers, i guess, um –"

"NEVER MIND. I CAN TELL FROM YOUR INEXPLICABLE EMBARRASSMENT THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL TOPIC, AND I ALREADY RECALL THE UNENDING REVULSION I FEEL AT YOUR SPECIES PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT REPRODUCTION. NOW, EGBERT, I HAVE ONE FINAL QUESTION. THIS IS IMPORTANT. TRY NOT TO SCREW IT UP."

"yes?"

"WHAT IS AN EARTH SLUSHIE?"

"oh man, i can't believe you never had a slushie! you have to come try one, come on –"

"TOO LATE. TIME IS UP, EGBERT. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT, GO AND GET ME ONE. I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO BE DOING."

"but, wait! karkat! what's going on?"

"DON'T LOOK AT ME, THIS IS ALL THANKS TO YOUR FRIEND."

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: sup

EB: sup!

TG: egbert no

TG: we talked about this

TG: you must be this cool or above to use that word

TG: sorry sonny jim

TG: come back in a few years when youve grown a little

TG: finally developed decent taste in movies

TG: ...

TG: egbert

TG: this is the part where you insult me back

TG: you know

TG: conversation

EB: sorry, i zoned out a little!

EB: do 7 eleven still sell slushies?

TG: how the fuck would i know

TG: also

TG: what

EB: anyway, i wanted to ask you something!

TG: you really dont need to tell me that

TG: i mean we only spoke yesterday

TG: i kinda figured something like that was occurring

TG: its pretty much why im was invented

TG: way back in the dawn of time

TG: some caveman just wondering what his cavebro wanted to grab for dinner

TG: and lo and behold

TG: pesterchum was born

EB: shut up and let me talk!

TG: you do realise you can actually type while im typing

EB: karkat is acting really weird!

EB: he said it was something to do with you?

EB: well actually he just said it was one of my friends, but if it was one of the girls his insults are normally more specific!

TG: nice

TG: i dont even get specific insults

TG: i see what your unspecified alien relationship thinks of me

EB: we're roommates!

EB: that isn't unspecified!

EB: so do you know what he meant?

TG: yeah okay i sent him something

TG: hes probably so taken aback by the sheer brilliance of audiovisual input from this actual decade hes gone into culture shock

EB: oh! he must be doing a marathon.

EB: it's just he was asking me all these weird questions...

EB: what did you send him?

TG: glee

EB: that show with all the singing?

EB: haha!

EB: brilliant prank, man!

EB: very ironic. :B

TG: dude

TG: there is nothing ironic about show choir

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you think you might actually love this show.

How the fuck did a human come up with it? This is brilliant. A group of mutants and lowbloods – well, the human equivalent anyway – banding together to overcome the society which is victimising them through the power of music!

You can't even claim it as an Alternian knockoff. If anything even remotely like this so much as crossed the mind of a troll, that troll would have been culled for inciting rebellion. But on Earth, the lowbloods are heroes for triumphing over their tormentors.

And then there's the romance. Admittedly, everyone seems to be swapping matesprits like there's a sale on buckets, but hey, that happens. Look at Sgru- well, no, it's best not to, but it happens. Besides, it isn't just flushed action – there's a few tentative pale flirtations, the occasional black interaction. Light on the ashen, but they're too young to appreciate it.

Well, except for that schoolfeeder. And... well. At first you didn't think he was much hope. His red relations were a shambles. But...

Gog dammit, the schoolfeeder and the cheerleading coach have the most beautifully built up black relationship you've ever seen.

Fuck. You cannot believe Strider, of all people, introduced you to this.

"come on, karkat, you need to eat something!"

"OKAY, TEN MINUTES, I- WHAT IN THE TWO MOONS IS THAT?"

"it's a slushie!"

"...FUCK, IT'S FREEZING!"

"you're meant to drink it, not stick your finger in it!"

"WHY IS IT THAT COLOUR?"

"because it's raspberry flavour!"

"TEREZI HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR..."

"no, slow down, you'll-"

"OW, OW, FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? JEGUS, I THINK MY THINKPAN JUST ATOMISED AND CONDENSED UPSIDE DOWN IN MY SKULL..."

"brain freeze! i told you to slow down! don't worry, everyone gets it the first time."

"THIS IS A STANDARD REACTION? WHAT KIND OF SADISTIC BEVERAGE IS THIS?"

"oh, cheer up! are you enjoying the show?"

"I'LL SAY THIS FOR YOUR PLANET: IT ISN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT."

"uh... thanks?"

"NO, SERIOUSLY. I APOLOGISE UNRESERVEDLY TO YOUR SPECIES. CLEARLY IT'S JUST YOU WHO HAS NO FUCKING CLUE."

Your name is Karkat Vantas and this has to be the best show Earth ever produced.

You've watched nearly all of the discs now. You've seen all of Rachel and Finn's vascillations – although quite frankly you don't see why she's choosing him over her clear black attraction to Quinn. You watched Artie and Tina's weird red-pale quadrant flipping. You've seen how Kurt and Mercedes' young moirallegiance helped him accept his human homosexuality.

Actually, that bit made you realise what an idiot past you was for blaming Egbert for that nonsense. Clearly, the whole thing is basically treated like a mutation – which is still the stupidest thing you've ever heard, but you've already accepted that this planet turned out amazingly sane considering its creators. Perhaps you shouldn't just have gotten so mad, especially considering how you just blurted it out on Pesterchum...

But you're onto the last of Strider's discs now, and the final competition is coming up. Just a couple of episodes left to go.

You can't wait to see them win.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: sup again bro

TG: whats all the fuss about

EB: dave! you're back!

EB: i've been trying to talk to you all afternoon!

EB: where did you disappear off to?

TG: sorry had my phone off

TG: whats up

EB: karkat is still watching glee!

EB: he seems really into it.

TG: whats happening now

TG: in the show i mean

Your name is John Egbert and you can only see a crack of the TV screen through the door.

You push it open quietly. There's a man and a woman stood close by each other. It looks like they might be about to kiss...

No, the woman pushed him away. It's pretty funny! You have to try not to laugh. Over on the couch, you hear a... did Karkat just groan?

You move away from the door. Fast.

EB: two people just nearly kissed?

TG: good

EB: not good! karkat seems... really into it.

TG: yeah

EB: i don't think you understand what i mean.

TG: no i do

TG: i mean i guess hes reacting like rezi did

TG: that was kind of the point

EB: the point?

TG: dude

TG: look outside

Oh my god Dave is on your lawn!

You run outside to say high to him, but he won't come indoors with you.

"nah vantas is near the end dont disturb him just yet."

You talk on the porch instead, even though it's getting pretty dark out here now. You don't care! You're just so excited that your best bro has come to visit.

He keeps checking his watch though, and after a while he says:

"okay time to go inside now just keep that hyperactivity at minimum volume kay."

"why now?"

You try your hardest to stay quiet, but Dave has always been the best at low volume.

"look bro i got a confession to make. this is for you."

He flips you something. You catch it on a reflex and look down. It's a hotel key – you know the place, it's not far from here.

"you can stay here if you want –"

He shakes his head.

"no i said for you i mean i know youre taking lessons but im talking advanced study here and you are not ready for that shit just yet young padawan."

"...what?"

For the first time, Dave stops fidgeting and looks at you.

"i hate your fairy god troll."

"karkat? i know you two argue, but –"

"no man listen to me."

He looks at you over the top of his glasses.

"i hate your fairy god troll."

Um.

What.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you'd better take over the narration since John is so shocked by what Dave just said.

Wait, what? Strider? He's nowhere near here. You think you heard Egbert go outside by now, but he's probably just taking the rubbish out.

You don't really care considering what just happened.

You don't believe it.

Mr Schue faked a red quadrant flip in order to blackflirt. No troll would ever even think of that! And then when they went black again, Sue turned a rejection into the hottest bit of black flirting you've ever seen.

And now she's the judge of their competition.

They have to win. Gog damnit, they've come so far. They're stood on that stage and...

What.

No.

How the fuck could they lose? This is their grubbing show! Sue must have cheated –

Oh. She didn't. She voted for them? Of course, because she knows better than to let her blackrom interfere with other people. You should have seen it – these two are better than that.

You aren't sure you can take it. These two are just too perfect and – fuck it, Strider had to know what this show would do to you.

Wait. What. She saved him. She stepped in and gave them another year, because...

You don't kill your kismesis.

Damn if that isn't the hottest thing you've ever seen.

You can't stand it any more.

"DAVE STRIDER IS THE MOST ARROGANT, INSUFFERABLE DOUCHEBAG TO EVER –"

"sup."

Your name is John Egbert, because Karkat is now busy. Except, um, you'd really rather not be John Egbert right now, because John Egbert is watching his roommate stick his tongue in his best friend's mouth.

Uh...

Suddenly, that hotel key seems like a really good idea. You head for the door. You don't think they'll mind.

Someone throws something at you. It's... a red envelope? And there are some discs inside?

"WATCH IT AND LEARN, EGBERT."

"i will!"

You get out of there fast, before your black-rom lessons get too close for comfort.