Chapter 34: Feast for Crows x Lost Lenore

Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—

Nameless here for evermore.
E. A. Poe -The Raven

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR
Read my A/N at the end of the chapter for more my liluns.

Sharing a bathroom between four people was mostly ok. It just required traffic management at rush hour (aka before Mito's breakfast). To reach his toothbrush, Killua had to work his way around Leorio shaving on the mirror, and a Biscuit braiding her hair, while trying not to touch them because he'd woken up jittery. There was a general agreement that interested parties would shower after breakfast. Killua had loudly protested against it when he'd tried to hog the bathroom for himself, but it had only resulted in Biscuit berating him, what with the shower he'd taken yesterday night right after her, she'd said, what with the ungodly need for cleanliness you pretentious child.

She was still kind of breathing down his neck. "You wash your teeth before breakfast?" She observed him from the mirror. "Shouldn't you brush them after?

Killua shrugged, mouth full of foam.

"But doesn't it feel weird for you, later, after eating?" She tilted her head, eyes focused on him.

"Brush 'em before and after" Killua spoke, mouth full of foam. Then he gave her a wide grin to show all of his mouths contents to startle her. It worked. She backed away.

"Gross."

Mission accomplished, he thought smug. He spat into the sink.

Kurapica, who was leaning against the outside wall of the bathroom with arms crossed, added.

"I generally brush my teeth before breakfast. Doctors are of the opinion that it doesn't matter. You can choose whenever you brush your teeth as long as you do it twice a day, and that second time is right before you go to bed."

"That is right, if I recall well" Leorio agreed. "not sure if it applies for children though." Leorio watch as Killua glared at him in the mirror.

"Interesting" Biscuit observed. "It feels counter-intuitive, but I guess clinically, it makes sense. Brushing your teeth before AND after, however…that's just obsessive."

"S'fine. I jest do et sometimes" Killua shrugged, mouth full of toothpaste.

"Stop talking while you're brushing you disgusting child!"

"You were askin'!" he gave her that shit-eating grin, with watery toothpaste dribbling down his chin. Biscuit rolled her eyes, and then she called out to Kurapica.

"Hey, you're waiting your turn to brush your teeth? Should I come out to give you space?"

"No, that's ok" Kurapica answered politely. Killua, who'd finished rinsing his mouth with water, closed the faucet and commented as he returned his toothbrush to the cup.

"Kurapica is a very private person. He can't brush his teeth in front of anyone. He's just waiting for all of us to leave."

"Is that so?" Biscuit chuckled. "what, are like all of us here a bit wacko?"

"Father said hunters generally are" Killua shrugged, as he went out and stumbled with Kurapica's looking sour.

"What did I do to you so early in the morning, eh? No one had noticed!"

Only at the silence, he realised the Killua's unreadable gaze fixed on his lower neck. Before he could comment, the boy's eyes inched upwards, met his gaze, and shrugged off the cloud of gloom.

"We're living in close quarters. They are bound to notice eventually." He gave a friendly punch Kurapica's arm as he passed by. "Be sure to ask Biscuit for her concealer. Wait. Forgot you had concealer of your own. The one you use under your eyes when tired." Killua shrugged

"Is it noticeable?"

"Nah. Honestly just realised 'cause I saw it in our bathroom once beauty queen" Killua waved as he left.

His voice had been cheery. And empty. Kurapica inwardly cringed. He should have known better, be more careful with the things they did around the boys, around Killua. It had been harder to conceal because things had been working really well between him and Leorio lately:

1) Leorio wasn't expecting anything from him, like literally nothing at all. Hadn't been for a long time.

2) Kurapica had finally realised this and was enjoying the lack of pressure.

3) Now they had a common enemy, much darker and scarier than any mundane squabble. One that wasn't up for debate, as the Spiders were.

Even if it was hard to admit it, surprisingly they hadn't been at each other's' throats now that something much more severe steered their motions. The common ground of their cause wasn't up for debate either, Killua was so worth each and every step of all their recent decisions, all the security measures, all the delayed plans.

"He's always the excuse."

Leorio's words had been spoken against his neck hours earlier, kissing gently where he'd left the hickey. Kurapica shivered in his arms. Leorio was softly caressing, with the tip of his fingers, his exposed skin. Drawing reverence in strange symbols on his stomach, on his shoulders, on his back.

"The excuse for us to meet?"

"You wouldn't have drunkenly kissed me that night we graduated from the hunter exam if Killua hadn't run away after that awful match…"

"He didn't leave of his own will. That was psychological kidnapping."

The kisses had stopped. Kurapica knew why. They both remembered for a second, how it'd been. Killua's eyes after the confrontation. How they hadn't been able to get through to him afterwards. How he stared as if he wasn't there. And then he'd left, blood on his hands and cheek still dripping.

"I hated Netero then, so intensely. His decision not to intervene…just to remember it Leorio, it makes my blood boil."

"Maybe Netero is like us? He's helped us this much because he feels guilty for his actions back then" Leorio sighed against his skin, and Kurapica felt strong arms surround him. Kurapica melted in the embrace. He sighed as well,

"Or maybe he is just curious with what we are up to and who is targeting us. Just as much as we are." Kurapica frowned. "Leorio…do you think," he turned to look at Leorio, but his voice failed him.

He didn't even want to think about it. To put it into words. Killua's ominous brother, he'd been for some time now coming to his mind. Illumi was the name, wasn't it? He was about Hisoka's age, right? So he probably had been either nineteen or so when Killua was seven. His gut twisted. What was he even thinking? What the hell was he thinking-

"Never mind."

"No, don't do that. Talk to me," Leorio looked at him, concerned. "we agreed on this. You'd talk to me."

Kurapica felt warmth in his chest. He kissed Leorio on his forehead. He knew it was too simplistic a conclusion. He was desperate for answers, and Illumi was the only person from Killua's world that had antagonised them besides Kikyou, from the scarce few they really knew or identified by face.

Illumi had only acted as a messenger, as the vessel of the family's abusive decisions. There was something wrong about him, true, something cruel, something possessive from the way he'd carried himself at that horrible match with his younger brother. Something that had his mind screaming to intervene, and his body frozen and gawking.

And he should have intervened, not gawk, even if it meant risking his license, he should have intervened. It had been wrong, to subject a runaway child to an emissary incarnating the reasons he ran away.

Killua had mentioned those reasons even if the boy didn't seem to acknowledge them as such. The different times they'd spoken he had referred, by name and by omission, to the varying degrees of violence. And now, yesterday's talk had added a bit more of colour and depth to what had been left to his imagination.

But Killua had never mentioned Illumi, or for that matter, family members when speaking of his past. When they went to rescue him, Kukuroo mountain and its denizens had remained mostly off-limits. Butlers, teachers, extended family, avenged enemies, anyone could have done this to Killua, anyone could be the tracker-

"Nah. Just about to suggest something too twisted and dark for so early in the morning, I guess?"

"Never knew you were into that kind of sex, but I'm open to new things," Leorio shrugged. "Are you more of an S or more of an M? I haven't done much on that area, but I can be both for you darling" Leorio grabbed his sunglasses from the nightstand and put them on, cooing that last word. He knew Kurapica hated, to his guts, those nicknames.

The doctor was hit.

"That answers it" Leorio chuckled. "An S then?"

Kurapica raised a hand to his eyes. He exhaled with patience.

"I meant it for real though" Leorio winked.

"And I'm putting my clothes on." He acted disgruntled. In truth, Kurapica wondered if Leorio had adaptively learned how to irritate him slash secretly make him laugh.

Mito loudly announced she needed help getting groceries from the town nearby, but when Gon excitedly volunteered to go and tried to grab Killua's hand, Killua escaped his grasp. With a smile, he sing-sang how he had to install the internet and other safety precautions and shields in Mito's inn. The smile didn't reach his eyes.

Finally, Leorio went with him, he had to run some errands anyway, he said. He tried not to think about it, but as the day went on, Gon could tell Killua was actively evading him. Well, not him, not really. He actually bumped his shoulder to Gon's and joked with him and stole his candy bar and they bantered as usual. And along the day he still caught those secret smiles Killua hid between group-conversations, only for him to find.

But Killua was definitely avoiding being alone with him.

On her side of the kitchen, Mito sighed.

Even if Gon helped Mito and acted normal for their meals at their family table, even though joy and laughter marked the cheerful tone of their breakfast, lunch and dinner...on his own Gon had been aloof with her. Standoffish even.

It was something…so new. She didn't know if he was worried over something else, or still angry with her for not letting him share rooms. Mito had only sighed; she knew part of caring for Gon was allowing him to have his first teenage tantrums.

She did catch him looking at Killua with concern and longing when the group left for the inn next door when the night came.

Mito went to his guests' house, to give Biscuit more blankets for the cold nights. As she returned to her own home and she entered the kitchen, she jolted in surprise, not expecting her teenage fox bear to be sitting in silence, brooding. Had he been waiting for her all this time?

"Gon, it is late… you should go to sleep."

"I know" He spoke quietly. But he didn't move. Mito sat across him, worried.

"Do you want to talk about the room issue?"

Gon looked surprised to be caught on his purpose but then nodded grimly. Yet he didn't add any further. He didn't seem to be able to look up. Mito felt concern. She sighed and clasped her hands in front of her body.

"Look it has to be this way, ok? Out in the world, you can do anything, but you said you would obey me when I brought up the 'My house, My Rules' and the 'I am the adult, I know better' reasonings right? It was our agreement because at the time we agreed, you thought these were right" she reasoned.

Gon lowered his head "Yes. Because it is your house. And you are the adult. Almost always you know better than me," Gon replied quietly. "But Mito, this time you don't understand-" Gon began as he suddenly raised his head to look at her with imploring eyes.

Against Gon's expectations, Mito chuckled

"Gon, I do understand. I'm not that oblivious. I know, and that's exactly why you are not sharing rooms."

"Uh?"

"Yesterday evening, I saw you two through the window, and you were holding hands. Later while we were dining, you were holding hands again under the table." Mito shrugged, "So I get it, you want to spend as much time with him."

Gon's entire expression dropped. Mito immediately replied,

"Gon, don't worry, I'm quite sure the rest didn't notice, and if it's something that you and Killua want to keep to yourselves, I have your back. But now you are older, so you both need to be in your own separate rooms because…" Mito sighed, distressed over Gon's speechless stance.

"Look, I knew the time would come when you would start dating and everything, even if it's a bit sooner than expected…I mean, yes you are turning fourteen in some months, but still, that also comes with rules in Mito's house," she tilted her head and reached out to clutch Gon's hand.

"I'm sorry if saying that you needed separate rooms in front of your boyfriend and older friends embarrassed you, I know how it is with young love and everything related to adults meddling is annoying and embarrassing, I get it. But if you are dating that darling boy, I don't want you to rush into things you aren't prepared to deal with just yet, on a mental and emotional level-Gon? Gon are you all right?"

Gon had all along been staring at her, wide-eyed, in what Mito had mistaken as young love mortification, but then silent tears began falling down his cheeks. As his name was mentioned, Gon's head lowered, as if to hide, and a tanned hand quickly tried to swat his tears away.

Mito immediately stood and rushed to his side. She had misread the situation, which was reasonably unusual for her. When her arms enveloped him, Gon dissolved into silent tears against her. Mito rubbed his back gently, holding his weight as she had done so many times before in the past. Even if she didn't understand the reasons, she knew her Gon well. This was one of those moments when Gon's words got stuck in his throat and he couldn't speak them, not until he cried them first. So she let him. She only muttered words softly.

"I'm sorry Gon, I'm sorry… Is it something I said? I'm so sorry. I'm here. All will be ok."

Gon, hearing that, hiccupped a little and sobbed. But he finally managed to speak against her shoulder

"… Mito…you are" Gon swallowed. His eyes stung again.

He tried to speak.

"…Y-you are the best" The sentence was cut as his breath hitched.

"Uh?" Mito was confused and separated a little just to look into Gon's eyes. "Gon… I just used our agreed reasonings as arguments against you, and I made you cry! I definitely shouldn't be the best on your eyes right now."

Gon's eyes were bright as if he'd cried from anguish and relief at the same time. Mito could feel Gon's hand clutching hers as he tried to speak what he'd been withholding.

"Mito… Y-you are the b-best" he'd gently separated from her, holding her hands. And he dropped the word-

"Mother. You are the best mother anyone could wish for" He whispered. She could hear the strength of his conviction. "The best mother I could have wished for" Caramel eyes sought her out.

That left Mito silent.

She took it in, her eyes wide. Gon didn't let her reply

"And I'm sorry it took me so long to say it to you" Gon whispered.

Mito's tone was quiet. It was her turn to feel her eyes stinging "Gon…I'm the one that taught you as a toddler not to call me mom…it's not your-"

"I know" Gon interrupted her softly. "You wanted to respect my biological mom. That doesn't change anything of what I just said. I really mean it" Gon murmured, his voice warm.

"You are my mom. You are my mom and dad. You are all I'll ever need because you are the best I could have wished for. And I still feel I should have said it sooner."

And sometimes I feel I don't deserve you. You were too young when I was dumped at your door. You could have gone to college, you are that smart. You have given way too much for me. I don't know what to do with that.

Gon had been unable to speak those words. But as Mito hugged him, Gon could intuit that maybe as he grew older, he would be able to speak out even that and then they would be able to sort it out. After all, he'd previously been unable to say what had spluttered out of him right now. Maybe growing up wasn't about always knowing what to do, but having better words… or what was it Leorio had said? Tools? To deal with those unknowns. The idea made him feel better.

That is why he was surprised when he felt Mito's shoulder shaking slightly. He'd rarely heard or seen her cry. It was usually him being the emotional one, Mito always tried to stand firm for him and Abe… But now her shoulders were shaking as she whispered.

"Gon… have I.." but she looked up with determination, one so similar to his "have I ever told you are the best son… a m-mother could wish for?"

Gon's breath hitched.

But I'm not. Why was I then dumped? Why does Ging keep escaping from me like-

But Mito sobbed and chuckled at the same time because she could read all those thoughts in his eyes and erase them with just one hand ruffling his hair.

Gon mirrored her chuckled sob, a thousand thoughts again leaving him speechless.

Mito's down to earth nature kept her focused. She softly threaded her fingers into Gon's dark hair and said, "I still don't understand…You make me all teary-eyed on affection right after I chastise you?"

Gon looked down and muttered

"Let's sit."

Mito understood the change in Gon's demeanour. She sat this time next to him.

"I…you deserve to know…"

"Should I put on the kettle?" Mito smiled, but her Gon was lost in thoughts.

The boy bit his lip. "So…uh…there's nothing between Killua and me."

"Oh" Mito uttered surprised. She was rarely wrong on her perceptions and intuitions.

"I mean… we hold hands, but it's probably because" and Gon breathed in "Because something is wrong with him. He's" And his eyes were stinging again. "He's hurting. Something is really wrong. And I don't know how to help him…and that seems to be the only way I can help… to hold his… hand. And he lets me. And when he is not doing well, he holds mine."

Mito's brow lifted "Oh Gon..."

But Gon shook his head, rubbing his eyes frustrated.

"That not what I wanted to say now. I had all this speech, and I'm butchering it all over."

"Speech?"

"What I wanted to say. What you deserve to know… is…" Gon inhaled deeply, and still felt out of the air, and wondered if this is how Killua felt when he couldn't breathe.

"The thing is, uh…you were right. Uh…You are right in that I do like holding hands with him.

And I was so scared to tell you. I mean…I never doubted…the moment I knew for sure how I felt, I also knew I had to tell you, but I spent so much time thinking about how I would tell you… and in my mind…each time" Each time I held his hand. "Each time… I felt I was letting you down because maybe you wouldn't like it. I didn't want to hurt you or disappoint you." He spoke sincerely, feeling embarrassed. "You deserve the best" not this.

"Gon, Gon wait… why were you letting me down? I don't understand" Mito shook her head, her brow furrowed.

"Because I'm a boy. And Killua is a boy and I…" He breathed drove straight ahead and said it "That means I like boys. And… I know what you said… about him and me… but maybe you thought it was a passing fancy. Or childhood play. It's… it's not. I…" he cleared his throat.

"I like boys."

This time, after he'd said that, he dared look up, and brace himself, whatever came.

Mito's open expression made a firm imprint in his heart.

"Gon, why would that be wrong?" Her gaze was warm yet sad.

Gon felt his eyes stinging.

"It is not?"

The boy looked up at her, his eyes wide…almost as if about to say, 'Are you sure?'.

"Gon" she looked at the boy with tenderness. "Did I teach you that loving is wrong?"

"No, you taught me love is love, no matter what."

"That's right" Mito smiled.

"But maybe it is wrong… Maybe you were shielding me. Maybe you saw it in me before I knew it myself. Maybe I'm wrong, and you are just amazing, and you love me anyway even if I'm wrong."

"Gon…this is not you, and those aren't your words" Her eyes were observing him keenly.

"Something happened. Tell me what it was"

Mito was stunning. Something had happened, and Gon had vowed to never tell anyone ever, in the entire world, because it was so embarrassing he would rather die than admit it, and yet being there, in front of Mito, his words came out as if ripping a band-aid.

"Long ago, once when we were traveling, we were at the pool of a hotel we'd been staying for the week. And Killua wasn't with me because he'd gone for the towels we'd forgotten. And these other kids in the pool… I wanted to have more friends! But they all started calling us names…" He recollected. "They'd been doing that from before, Killua thought I hadn't noticed…"

"When we heard their group during breakfast, Killua thought I was oblivious to it, and he just threatened them into silence with his murderous stare. But I don't know how to do that… and that day, by the pool, I didn't even know if what they were saying was wrong. Maybe it was funny, and I was supposed to laugh, I just didn't get it." Gon recalled.

"The group, they surrounded me, throwing out those weird names. And this time Killua wasn't there" Gon tried to explain frowning. "So I asked what faggot meant, and the boys laughed, and a girl chastised them, and when they replied, they answered with more weird names like Nancy boy? One boy said pillow-biter and they couldn't stop laughing, and the girl looked really pissed and I was so confused because I don't bite pillows Mito, I just drool on them, but maybe they'd seen me bite a pillow or something? And they kept coming up with weird names and celebrating their wit, they even said fairy, and they laughed when I said fairies where lovely, and I didn't know if I could get angry because I honestly only understood half or less. When they finally turned serious and answered what faggot meant, they did it by asking me if I liked boys" Gon bit his lip. He could feel his entire face burning for having been so stupid.

"And I shrugged saying 'maybe?' I can be so dumb, Mito… Well, with that reply their entire demeanour changed…" Gon opened his hands bewildered.

"They looked… they looked as I had something gross on my face. Their taunting was gone. One of them left as if I had pissed in the pool with my words or something. The girl asked what I meant by 'maybe'. Another boy said I was wrong, that it was not natural, that what if I died and went to hell, then what. The girl began defending me, saying I was young and naïve to know what I wanted, that they shouldn't pick on me! When the rest left at her command, she turned to tell me that maybe it was a phase and that I shouldn't hang out so much with Killua if I wanted to get over it. She said I could hang out with her if I wanted, trying to be really nice about it. She even said she didn't have ulterior motives, she wanted to be a friend, but she was worried that Killua and I didn't act the way friends act" Gon let out desperately. "One of the boys later came back to me and apologised during dinner. He said he'd asked his parents and they explained things to him. He asked me if anyone had touched me improperly, maybe that's why I was the way I was! And I felt so upset, Mito because I know it's not like that. And how do I tell this kid I really didn't know, who is apologising to me, that nope, I just like boys and I'm not going to infect you I swear? Please go before Killua comes again? ugh," He spoke, feeling his cheeks burning. He would die if Killua or anyone else ever heard this.

He could read hurt and anger in Mito's eyes, as she spoke softly "Gon, did you tell anyone about this?"

"Why would I? So, they can also stare at me like I pissed in the pool again?"

"Gon…you have real friends, tons of them that are willing to give their life for you" Mito raised an eyebrow, amused.

"I know… but none of them knows what I am. I don't want to lose them. I didn't want to tell Killua, or Leorio or anyone really, because then they'd know I was what they were saying I was. Which by the way Mito, is "gay", they just never used the word, I honestly don't know why. I went into the internet and searched in google all the words I was able to memorise to understand better…and that's when I found out that it's not just those kids. There are thousands of people that think like those kids out there and use those names to talk about people like me. They want their children not to be corrupted by people like me. They strive to cure with therapy people like me. I... have met people that also hide it. It's not ok to talk about it at least"

Mito took Gon's hands "Gon…"

"Mito, Wikimedia told me that I've travelled through countries were being what I am is punished by law. They hung you, or you go to jail."

"Gon, there are many countries out there who kill women that flee marriage, and woman who have children and raise them without a husband. Did you know that?"

Gon cast his eyes down.

"Yes"

"Did you know that in the past, a woman with red hair and living unwed and with no brothers, father, or husband would have been suspected of being a witch?"

"Really?"

"Imagine if a Mito from the past had learnt Nen Gon! I already have a cat and use herbal medicine; I would have been burnt at the stake! My point is that people fear what they do not know, what is unfamiliar, that otherness."

"Otherness?"

"Yup! They fear the other. Being a minority, such as being ginger-haired where there aren't many gingers, or being of darker skin than the ones surrounding you or being from a particular orientation different from the majority, may place you in the unknown, in the twilight zone for many people."

Gon sighed. "I was in the twilight zone for those kids. The alien. You are right."

Mito sighed "Humans can harbour paaaassionate hatred towards what is strange or different to what they know, and sadly, entire societies are built out of these fears. The individuals inside those societies are no different than you and me, they just work with what they have been taught..."

"Those kids… they were taught to despise me" Gon exhaled slowly.

"That doesn't mean that what they did wasn't wrong Gon."

"No?"

"Of course not! Being part of a society that works under certain codes does not mean that the codes are acceptable, justifiable or humane. One great example is slavery, is it not? Some centuries ago, it was legal. There was not much discussion about whether it was right or wrong. So, I guess the key is to question."

Gon was staring wide-eyed.

"To question?"

"If something makes you feel fear or aversion or revulsion, question whether the root is logical or not. Read and learn about what you fear and try to see it from more than just your perspective. Much of fear, hatred or injustice is based on sheer ignorance. In the past, some people actually believed that being a specific race made you inferior and more susceptible to obedience than others. Once, centuries ago, entire trials were held on Spain to establish legally whether South American natives had a soul."

"Really?!"

"Yes. If they were deemed to have a soul, then they were deemed to have rights. However, if they were established to not possess souls, then they were just like animals, or property…you can imagine what side prevailed for long…Oh, I really hope humanity is learning of its wrongs...Please Gon, don't ever, ever think again there's something wrong with you just because someone doesn't understand."

At that, Gon's gaze lowered.

"Gon…"

"It's just… are you sure? I have…friends that I think also hide it. And I know no one in Whale Island like me. Isn't it more natural for boys to like girls because like that they make babies? I…if I ever marry Killua, we won't be able to have children" Gon spoke. And then he heard the words he'd said on delay and turned utterly red "I d-didn't just say that. You can completely forget that last part."

Mito was now laughing wholeheartedly. He felt himself being hugged. "I love you my little fox-bear" She hugged him.

"And I am mortified" Gon's voice was drowned by her arms.

She let him go.

"Tell me, if a woman was born being unable to have children, would she be unnatural? Should she feel imperfect?"

Gon thought about it. "No. Of course not. She's perfect the way she feels perfect" Gon countered confused.

"You are perfect the way you feel perfect." Mito countered.

"Don't you want grandchildren?"

"IF you want to have children in the future, I will be ecstatic sure, but Gon…I adopted you. Do you honestly believe I care whether my grandchildren are also adopted?"

Gon laughed. "I hadn't thought about it!"

Mito smiled bright "That is society, culture, books and movies pressing their codes onto you. Gon…you are still growing up. Whale Island is small, but the world is huge, and you are not alone. And most important, I want you to know that in whatever stage of your life you are…you can count with me loving you ok?"

Mito gave Gon a warm smile "If in two years you tell me you like girls and this was a phase, I'll have your back. If in two years you tell me, nope, I still like boys, I have your back. If in twenty years, you have a son, adopted or yours, next to your wife or to Killua's, I'll be so much more than happy Gon… as long as you let me hug you and celebrate you, as long as you let me have your back and be part of your life, I'll be happy."

Mito knew the precise words to dispel the thick icy fog inside his chest, Gon thought.

"Mito… I love you."

"I love you too" Mito smiled charmingly "Now if you aren't tired, why don't we speak about that other thing that is worrying you?"

Killua's haunting image flashed through Gon's mind…but he still had to laugh.

"Mito you're amazing."

"Or a witch" Mito screwed up her face as if she was a witch, to make him laugh and he did.

"Nah, you are just so good at reading people" Gon marvelled. He had missed these conversations.

"Maybe I'm only good at reading you. Tell me, did I fail Killua? Was that why you reacted that way?"

Gon looked at her wide-eyed. "Maybe you are smarter than Kurapica" Was this surprise the same other people felt when they told Gon how he 'just knew' stuff? Maybe he was just a pale shadow of Mito…

"Let's hope not! Kurapica is brilliant. Brilliant people don't seem to be able to keep in the place for a lengthy time at peace… and I'm so happy here!"

The talk prolonged well into the night. By the time Mito was tucking Gon on his bed, she had taken a different resolution all together regarding the sleeping arrangements for the next day. Along with maybe arranging a talk among adults with no little teens present.

Gon hugged her one last time, and she hugged him back softly.

She knew children grew fast, but it still didn't cease to surprise her. Gon was already past tucking in bed, it'd been so fast. She only knew what Abe had taught her: to cherish each moment as if the last, to let them go freely, and to hold them all as long as she could, inside her heart.

Kurapica was dreaming of the ashes again. It was a sad, yet serene recurrence that his sleeping mind didn't appear to shake off. Even if he knew, each time he stood there, that he was dreaming.

It was still so vivid.

There was his village, lit under the dark glow of a blood-red moon. A cold breeze swept his hair and he shivered… but instead of the winter snows, the dust flakes blanketing the world in silence were ashes. They always were. The village was abandoned but still standing, which only proved beyond doubt that it was indeed a dream. Then, the hands that opened the rusty doors were his own but smaller, and if he walked over the dusted earth, child footprints were left behind.

The world glowed in scarlet, as his eyes sometimes did… but he liked this dream. He liked walking through the place he'd been born and spent his childhood, even if on his own, even if in silence. The familiar chiming bells hanging from the houses, the playground where they buried the dead beetles, the fading steps leading to the old school, the thick tall oak, with the roped swing they had all helped weave, and fasten…the austere façade of the ceremonial temple were Pairo had held his hand….and of course by the end of the lane…

The last place he always visited still stood there.

It called to him.

He always entered as quietly as possible… not to disturb anything just in case. Sometimes the door had difficulties giving way against the ashes gathered and still falling. But he always made it inside eventually, driven by a quiet thirst to see, to see and carve into memory it all. Everything always was the way he'd left it…The small clay animals by the windowsill, the wooden chairs, including the one in the corner with only three legs. The carpet mother had woven with patience on winter nights, now underneath his feet faded and dusty of ashes.

…He always looked for them.

…He never found them.

Still, his room was there. The walls plastered with some of his wild drawings of imagined adventures, right next to mother's embroideries. On the desk, he could see still some school papers, and the miniature solar and lunar systems he built with father….

Next to his was his parent's room. Sometimes the dream lasted long enough for him to sit on their bed, watch it snow ashes outside, and slowly climb inside the covers. He'd bury his head in the pillows the way he did when he was small and afraid of thunders.

They weren't there. But he could smell their scent.

When he woke up, he could never retrieve it, he had no idea what that scent even tasted, what shape it took, if it even existed, if he ever could ever pick it apart from the scent of other people ever again. But in his dreams, he could smell them, they had been there, and not long ago. And for that vivid dreamlike moment, that scent was real, real, real.

A scream tore open the night. Kurapica jolted awake and onto his feet instinctively before his mind followed the actions. But he was not standing in a quilt-patterned bed staring out into the ashen world- of course, he wasn't. He was in his bedroom, in Mito's Inn. Another heart-rending scream and he was running blindly, as he heard familiar footsteps also racing to the source.

Leorio was the one to enter the room first. Kurapica observed the way the doctor swiftly knelt next to the boy and turned on the nightlight. Killua was frantically fighting with his covers, eyes tightly closed, chest rising and falling as if on a fever.

Kurapica looked away instinctually because the image hurt him, but it still reached his ears.

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF-GET OFF-GET OFF" Killua yelled non-stop as he thrashed. Leorio tried to hold his shoulder gently.

"Killua"

It was the lightest touch, but the boy opened his eyes and sat like a coiled spring, with enough force to almost bounce against Leorio, his arms instinctually raised in protection. Splayed hands immediately pushed Leorio away, something the doctor had anticipated. It was Kurapica who murmured hurriedly,

"Killua, it's ok, it's us. It's just us. You are safe."

The boy didn't seem to hear his words. If anything, he didn't seem to be there with them yet. He was grasping the blankets, trying to cover his body as if he was naked, while hyperventilating, the tendon in his neck flexing when he tried to gulp for air, as his eyes darted to the door behind them. As if whoever haunted him was about to walk in. Or was standing there.

It was eerie.

"Killua," Leorio called him softly.

At that, the kid jumped. He frantically drew back until he hit the headboard. It seemed to jolt him into the present. Only then he looked at them and recognition lit his eyes.

There wasn't any relief in the look, however. If anything, disorientation.

"Kiddo." Leorio met his eyes "You are safe. It's just us, me, Kurapica, no one else. You are on Whale Island. You are safe."

Killua looked dazed and out of breath. He nodded once and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Shaking fingers crept to his throat.

Leorio nodded. "It's ok. You've got this, don't worry. You've done this before."

Killua shook his head, and Kurapica realised the boy was trying to articulate something and failing. They could see the panic clouding his features, as if speaking was paramount, his hands scratching his throat.

Leorio inched closer, "It's ok. Ease down. Pace your breathing."

"Take it out." Killua's uneven voice broke the silence. The heel of his hand was now rubbing his chest, his eyes seeking the doctor as if he had answers. Leorio tilted his head confused.

"Can I come closer? Can I hold your hand?"

Killua pressed himself to the headboard unconsciously.

"Ok. I won't." Leorio raised his hands. The gesture only made the boy flinch, his head lower.

"Killua. I won't" He murmured gently. "Stay here. Look at me. It's just me" Killua inhaled a shaky breath. He met Leorio's gaze nodding. It was Leorio. It was just Leorio.

"I…I" he choked. "Can't breathe" He was pressing his knuckles against his throat.

"I know, kiddo. We can do this; we've done this before-"

"-a m-million times" the boy choked, the back of his hand moving against his lips.

"Let's focus on what you can hear-"

"No, it's there" He spat the words, and looked at them, desperate. "It's there-I can't-" His jaw tightened, wiry muscles straining his neck as he struggled to speak.

"Killua, look at me-"

"It's there!" he was trying to make them understand. "It's… His." His voice scraped at the end as he forced the word out. "I-need-it-out." His eyes tightened "I can't".

The meaning was slowly weaving itself in Kurapica's mind, and he felt his stomach sink.

"Let's focus on breathing for now." Leorio insisted "Keep your eyes open, will you? Stay with me here."

"…Please" his voice came like gravel, like broken glass, "Please- please. I-don't" he gasped "I can't."

Killua closed his eyes tightly, severing the connection, and now Leorio's heart was racing. Killua's left hand held the hem of his nightshirt in a tight knot, the fist ghosting where the scar down his navel had once been. The doctor shook his head.

"Killua, open your eyes." Leorio commanded again, gentle but firm. He was the adult here, he needed to stay calm for Killua.

"You're not. Listen-ing. Please. It's His" Killua spat as if the word was venom, the nails of his left hand abruptly clawing and sinking quickly into his left forearm, as he feverishly kept pleading "It's His. It's in me. I don't know how to-take it out-"

Kurapica's hand had flown to hold Killua's wrist to stop him from harming himself, his insides twisting at the implications of the words, but before he could touch him, Killua slapped him away, moving dizzyingly fast out of the bed, stumbling with the blankets, falling on his knees. In a mess of limbs, he barricaded himself in the opposite corner of the room, hyperventilating. His eyes again scanned the room in a panic, darting at the door, at his hands, at them, he took them in again.

His vibrant eyes were wide, his hair a wild hallo around his pale face. His chest rose and fell.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Kurapica backed off, bumping into Leorio, and the boy hissed angrily "I know you didn't mean-! I can't-think-I just need it out!" Killua's hands had flown to his hair, gripping tightly. He fixed his wild gaze on Kurapica.

"Y-you s-said" A shaky hand went to his throat. "You said" he choked.

Leorio stood "Killua, we can discuss that later, now you need to-"

"NO, YOU SAID"

A dry sob escaped him, and then another, surprising everyone in the room, including Killua. He balled his hands and bit his lip to stop himself. "Y-you said… there…was…piece…ingrained a-a-aura." His breath hitched. Another sob "In me" he swallowed the sob with that last choked word.

He looked up; wild eyes trained on Kurapica.

"I feel it. It's His. In me. I f-f-feel it. I d-don't want anything His. Can't- I can't, take it out."

He stammered in a low voice.

The graveyard silence was only broken by Killua's rasping gasps.

Kurapica knelt in front of the boy.

"I can't do that" He whispered, looking at him vehemently. "I knew you'd…you'd ask eventually, but-"

"You can't, or you won't" The boy almost screeched through clenched teeth.

"I can't." Kurapica murmured "It was placed following certain conditions. We need a specialist."

"You are a specialist" The boy gasped painfully.

"A Nen exorcist. We need a Nen Exorcist. We're w-working on it-" Kurapica had begun stuttering as he saw Killua eyes clouding, sweat on his temple.

Leorio took over "Killua, breathe. Give me your free hand. I won't hurt you. I need you to hold mine like we did last time."

The doctor had come as close to Killua as he dared. Killua shook like a leaf. His knees pressed against his chest more. He didn't want Leorio near.

"Please, it's" another sob escaped, and he bit his lip to stop it. He couldn't continue. The fight fled from his body, he gasped.

"His, its… its…" Killua tried to swallow, his hands falling to his knees, palms up "I deserve it" he whispered.

"No" Leorio stressed almost angry.

Kurapica inched closer, but Killua was looking at his hands confused in between gasps. He must have seen something else there, for he shut his eyes tight. He took his hand to his mouth as if to stop the hiccupping breaths. His other hugged his abdomen.

They called and called him. Kurapica looked worriedly at Leorio, for Killua had stopped speaking altogether, only breathing harder and harder, his head hidden in his knees, eyes shut tightly, arms around his midsection.

"This is beyond us, your suitcase—" Kurapica was already standing up to bring it to the Doctor.

"Kurapica he's… grown resistant to them… all of them. That's why I've been training him to…" the doctor swallowed hard. He spoke to the boy yet again "Killua, I promise this will be over, soon. We are here with you. You are not alone. We are not leaving. It will be over. I promise."

The boy didn't seem to acknowledge his words. He kept heaving, almost as if he was going to be sick. Leorio took the empty trash can and moved it closer, telling Killua he could use it if he wanted to throw up. The kid didn't acknowledge him at all.

Leorio felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Resistant? To all of them? The doctors from the hunter association assessed that there weren't any more drugs we could try?"

"I'm in direct contact with them, 24/7 and yes. If we could contact…" Leorio didn't continue. If he could contact the Zoldicks, that's what he'd meant to say.

They'd gone through many scenarios that first hellish night they'd forced the truth out of Killua, and he'd had that full-blown panic attack. One scenario had indeed been that of Killua growing resistant to everything.

An emergency solution discussed was a chop to the back of his neck… but Leorio had reasoned that even though he loved the kid, Killua was a trained assassin. To attack him anywhere near his neck was dangerous, even if Killua didn't intend them any harm.

Back then, Leorio had seemed much more confident in how long resistance would take to build up in Killua's body-and both had underestimated the frequency or how severe it was. Their calculations hadn't considered it would be just a week.

Kurapica knew perfectly well, he could defend himself from being wounded, particularly if the attack came from a friend panicking. The one that would not be able to take that kind of damage was Killua himself. The boy had left just because he'd scratched Gon's arm. During a nightmare, nonetheless. If he lifted his hand against Kurapica and realised later his actions, he would run away never to come back.

Kurapica kept on denial. "Leorio, are you sure, the sedative, the one we used to carry him into the blimp-Killua fell asleep immediately."

"That's 'sedative' is the only compound that works from the entire array of drugs, psychotropics, toxins and venoms. And only because it was a rare herb discovered a couple of years ago. It's the only one I've been able to use. It stopped helping him sleep the night through, then it stopped even making him sleepy or helping him relax. Last two times, it didn't work. He doesn't' know. Killua still has been able to come out of it on his own every goddamn time..."

Leorio's eyes had an unnamed depth of helplessness Kurapica hadn't seen there before. The doctor looked fixedly at Killua, pushing up imaginary glasses, the real ones probably forgotten on his nightstand.

"Killua, can you hear me?" He was close enough to attempt to touch the boy's shoulder. Maybe with the action bring him back to the present, ground him, make him focus-

He was raising his hand when another voice startled the adults present.

"I wouldn't recommend that. He said he hates being touched…Have you tried Nen? I'm sorry, I'm late. I heard the screams and secured the perimeter. There's no danger, so I guessed this had to do with the nightmares…"

Biscuit stood in the doorway, in a beautiful gown, much like her dresses but comfier and pastel in colour.

Leorio and Kurapica were speechless.

"Oh, come on, it was time to let me into the loop, right? There's a tracker following Killua, kudos on me! Double kudos for making the kid spill the beans since you weren't willing. Look, I understand he's a kid, he's allowed to have an irrational fear to the tracker. I understand you have a dilemma; his body is resistant to drugs and poisons. I clearly don't understand why you wouldn't come to me for help," she sighed.

"We discussed Killua for a month! I'm the direct link to the help effort from the hunter association! He returns and tells you he's still being tracked, and you choose to shut me out?"

Biscuit strode in and sat on Killua's bed heavily "Alas, you are terribly young too, and I'm willing to concede it's a complex situation. It's so rare to find training subjects like these two kids…Well, we just got him back, we should work toge-"

She was interrupted fiercely by Leorio.

"Rare training subjects?" He barked "They're only that to you, ah? Like playing dolls? Polishing one of your gems? Objects to collect? Is that it? Is that why you are still sticking to them?"

Killua at that snapped open his eyes but didn't raise his head.

He could vaguely discern Biscuit was in the room. He couldn't see, not really. But… he could smell. Roses. Lavender. Aftershave. It got mixed with the images and scents clinging to his own skin. Blood. Sweat. Sex. Fear.

A part of his mind did register adults were bickering. Biscuit's huffed displeased.

"Of course, I didn't mean it that way, how dramatic of you."

Leorio almost hissed at the dismissal gesture from her gloved hand as she continued,

"I care about them! It has surprised me how much. Else I wouldn't be here, and trust me, the political balance of at least three countries sits on my shoulders. Half the time I just want to leave, you know? Baby-sitting you all bores me to death" she snapped.

Just as she was saying those words, Leorio felt a gentle weight on his knee. It was Kurapica's hand. He could almost feel his aura behind, calm as a river.

"It's ok. I dislike the idea of anyone using this boy for their own personal agenda. You haven't done that Biscuit, if anything you've helped them. It was just the choice of words. We're all… high strung."

Biscuits gaze softened a little.

"You are overwhelmed; I would be too. You have done remarkably, but you are too young to be doing this. You are not their parents."

"There aren't parents in the equation if you haven't noticed" Leorio countered sullen.

"You should leave this affair to Mito and me from now on. Not because we are women, of course. Just that we're a tad bit older." she exhaled deeply.

"What? No, he doesn't trust you" Leorio snapped.

For all her wisdom and adult superiority, Biscuit actually looked hurt.

"Let's discuss this later," Kurapica was quick to answer, glancing at Killua. "As adults, we need to be coordinated in front of him. He needs consistency, something he can feel safe with, not our bickering. If we are going to wait it out with him, the least we can do is focus on coaxing him back and grounding him" Kurapica numbered with his fingers as he tried to remember everything he had learned and read on the subject these days.

Biscuit sighed. She did what she'd been avoiding until the moment: she finally looked directly at the corner where Killua was curled into himself, gasping painfully. She swallowed guilt, her gaze looking older, in strained calculation. Killua's throat sounded raw with each gasp.

"Let me try Nen."

"No" Leorio and Kurapica spoke at the same time, moving instinctually in front of the boy. But it was Killua snapping his head to meet Biscuit's concerned gaze, that silenced them- His eyes grew attentive, cold, menacing even. An accusatory don't touch me.

"Killua?" Leorio tried. The boy tightened his eyes as if in pain, and the connection was lost.

"It'll only take a second, look at him," Biscuit gestured upset. She came closer, raising her hand slowly, with intent.

"I've read some Nen doctors have been trying to use Nen induced medication on patients who have grown resistant to antibiotics. Maybe bring the medication you've been trying on him, and this time we'll use Nen. If not, I could use Cookie-chan. She's not as powerful, but I think it's worth the try-"

Killua stood dizzyingly fast.

Kurapica, in a speedy reaction, grabbed Killua's ankle as he fled past them. The boy stumbled and fell on his knees and turned to crawl backwards to the open door.

"Don't touch me," a feral growl from deep within his throat directed to them all. "Don't you dare use Nen on me. Leave me alone. Leave me alone."

A kick and he'd freed himself and ran away before anyone could follow. They heard the doors to the inn fly open.

"Shit" Leorio stood, Biscuit already running ahead. The three adults had chased him outside. The grass under Kurapica's feet was wet and cold. Colder was the lack of Killua's snow-white hair in view. At this point, Killua could do anything, from hiding and calming down on his own in the forest, to hurting himself to extract the foreign aura, to running away this time permanently.

Biscuit surprised them. "Don't worry young men. I got this. You've done more than enough. I'm responsible for this. I'll try and correct my wrongs. I won't use Nen unless he lets me, of course," Her voice was warm and low. Then she jumped into the air… and didn't come back down, as if climbing a stairway to heaven.

She landed on a tree. With the delicate lace of her nightdress blowing in the wind, she resembled a nocturnal Mary Poppins- one that came in pastel colours and ginger hair, missing only the black umbrella.

Open mouths weren't warranted certainly. She was just using a trick she'd tried on Greed Island many times with her students. Emission type Nen under her feet.

Kurapica noticed how Leorio unabashedly gawked, and this time his stomach sank for different reasons. But he had to give it to her. She was a haunting vision, a soaring silhouette against the starry skies as she left them, floating with grace from tree to tree as if they were her chimneys, bent on the mission of finding her pupil.

"Why didn't you stop her?" Leorio protested

"Uh?" apparently Leorio had snapped out of it before he had.

"She's going to use Nen on him! You are faster than me, where are your bodyguard reactions?"

"Sorry, I just woke up?"

Kurapica couldn't think further as Leorio took his hand and moved. His hand was sweaty, clammy. It stole his breath. A part of his mind refused to acknowledge he now understood why Gon and Killua held hands all the time.

"Let's go find them. Oh, I need my glasses."

"Wait its…it's not necessary." Kurapica slowed down. He still didn't want to let go.

For the umpteenth time, he shelved away the part of him that melted at how worried this man by his side was, how easily he'd assumed the guardian role, how easy things like loving, and protecting, and showing love came to him. Right now, Leorio seemed about to crumble to pieces.

"Biscuit knows what she's doing."

"but-"Leorio had taken a hand to his heart where it hurt, as he stared at the forest.

"It's ok. I just… I hadn't tested it myself yet-but…we probably arrived at the same conclusion. I really…think it's ok. It… it has to do with Nen. And she said she wouldn't use Nen unless Killua lets her. Trust me"

To emphasise, he squeezed Leorio's hand shyly.

The doctor's expression of surprise at the small gesture was priceless… It would have been comical if the minute flinch hadn't summoned Killua to Kurapica's mind. With it, his stomach again twisted in knots. The doctor's blush highly contrasted Killua's pallor, yes, but that blush wasn't welcome either. He didn't want to see the doctor blush. He didn't want to acknowledge the reasons.

Then Leorio did it again; he did precisely what Kurapica needed. He squeezed back lightly- to give reassurance- and then, he looked straight ahead as if nothing had happened, slowly letting his hand go. Even more, he immediately focused on the matter at hand.

"He doesn't like us all over him in that state…it's…too many adults. I just…Are you sure Biscuit knows how to handle him?"

Kurapica was starting to think no one knew how to handle it.

STOP beautiful ones! TAKE A BREAK! (imagine this with hamilton music in the background) Hi! you are sort of in the middle of the chapter! If I were a normal author, with normal chapter lengths, you would receive this same writing piece divided into four chapters, it's THAT long. But I am me, and I give you long monstruosities to read. Splitting it in half at least is a bit more manageable right? So breathe, take a break, leave this an open page for tomorrow when you can return. Take care of your well being! As an insomniac, I can tell you, sleeping is very important little ones.

"Where are we?" Biscuit asked.

They were far from the inn. Even Nen-less, Killua ran faster than Usain Bolt apparently.

The boy sat under a thick old oak in the shadows. Biscuit stayed where she was, some ten meters away, knowing perfectly well her voice could be heard in the cushioned silence of the forest. Killua's answer was to glare at the large lake at his feet.

"Oh, wait! Gon told this story many times in Greed Island!" Biscuit opened her eyes in sudden recognition, examining the place as she came closer "Here he fished the Giant of the Lake, didn't he? Here's also where he taught you how to fish for the first time. If I remember his words correctly-"

"Biscuit. No offence" the boy inhaled, clearly vexed "B-but I want to be left alone." He masked the stutter with a scowl, not at her, for he had yet to look her way, but into the darkness.

He was curled, all slender limbs and tense edges, but he seemed more grounded to the present, Biscuit noted. If anything, he looked angrier. That was ok. Angry was an improvement to his state.

The hushing depth of the lake seemed to beg silence on behalf of the boy. Speaking felt like stepping over twigs when close to a predator.

But…

"You are still not breathing well," Biscuit observed.

"Well, fuck me, right?" Killua raised his gaze to glare at her.

"Such a foul mouth, any other occasion and I'd make you do sit-ups" Biscuit raised her eyebrow. Killua groaned, taking a hand to his face. "Go away."

"I need you to hear me out," Biscuit said.

"No." Killua gasped "Not letting you anywhere near me tonight."

Biscuit's expression read seriously. "Killua, I just want-"

"Well I don't, thank you very much."

"Will you just listen, you brat?" She could feel the vein in her temple drumming and her feet fidgety with wanting to cross the distance between them. But something about Killua's demeanour spoke for him, creating that space.

The boy swore under his breath. "Look, we can't use Nen, don't you remember? I could be tra-" He lost his breath and hunched further. Biscuit used the pause to reply, frustrated,

"That's why I want to-"

"I don't want anyone trying anything on me anymore, ok?!" He let out enraged, silencing her. Before she could retaliate, he continued

"Whatever you w-want try on me, I w-won't risk it." He breathed hitched. "I'm sick and tired of it. And if you pull out some of the guy's shit of staying with me until it w-wears down, I warn you, it can take hours," he sucked in air, "and the entire time I'll just glare at you." Even in his position of vulnerability, the boy's gaze was defiant and steady. In the dark, he looked like a wounded lion about to leap.

Against all the boy's expectations, Biscuit nodded gravely.

"That sounds fair."

She took one step closer.

The boy immediately stood, landing on two feet, automatically falling into a defensive stance.

For the love of God, She'd taken only one step closer.

"Killua, I want to show you something that can change your mind" She tried to be heard before any complaints came her way "Now please let me do that without testing my patience."

The boy faltered as he took a step back. Only when Killua leaned against the tree heavily, she grasped that his defensiveness wasn't practised, wasn't a manipulative reaction out of pettiness. It was fear.

Maybe she was able to discern this because, as Killua supported his weight, he looked at her with eyes shining with purely unabashed Zoldick malice, as if he hated her for seeing him this weak.

"I feel fucking awful right now, so I won't be gracious." The boy breathed in laboriously "See this line in the ground? I might not have Nen, but I have claws. Cross the line and I'll cut your hair. Touch me, I'll cut your hair. Try anything and I'll-" his breath was cut, and he took the back of his hand to his mouth. He swallowed, but his glaring eyes continued the threat for him.

Biscuit was impressed. The menace was flawless.

"Do you think I care for hair?"

"We both know you do" she took in the crooked psychopathic smile, the tilt of his head.

Biscuit sighed "I do. Asshole."

Nanny hadn't cared for hair. And hers was so long. He could tangle it however he wanted.

Killua shivered, for an instant lost. Every goddamn time this happened, the lack of air, and the memories, all of them seemed to linger at the surface. Stray flashbacks grazed his mind like the ripples of the dragonfly his eyes followed across the lake. He swallowed without any saliva, which was painful.

Focus.

"So you'll leave me the hell alone" Killua slowly articulated "Or goodbye pretty pony-tail."

Biscuit noted the boy seemed as if about to continue the teasing, so similar to the way cats tease their prey before shredding them—when his expression clouded, his breaths getting heavier. "Whatever you want to show me can w-wait. I'll act civil t-tomorrow morning." He leaned further onto the tree. "We can talk w-without this shit on me. No Nen attempts necessary."

"I won't indulge your defence mechanisms Killua. I'm not leaving you alone right now. You are ordering me to leave, you little shit? Ok then, in your language kid, what if I leave the island unless you hear me out right now?"

Two could play this game. If Killua always fell into negotiating tactics, she could also negotiate.

It backfired. The boy shrugged; his voice hollow yet resolute.

"It's your choice if you want to leave. I mean it" dark violet ice left the depths of the lake to meet her own "Already told you w-why I need you. You can choose to do whatever you want with that. You're not forced to stay."

His eyes were shining in the dark. "I won't ever force someone onto something they don't want. If you're bored with teenagers and their problems, then go. Feel free." He opened his arms.

"I won't do that Killua. You know that"

"I don't." he chuckled.

"Why are you so angry at me?"

"I´m not. I just want to be left alone."

"Liar." Biscuit smiled jutting her chin. "You are angry at me."

Killua bent slightly for a moment, then straightened as he thought "Ok maybe I am angry." It was a realisation. So he wasn't the most in touch with his emotions. Big deal.

"Tell me why."

"Maybe it has to do with how you've attempted to use twice Nen on me out of carelessness?" Killua spoke breathily, trying not to lose air or his temper, finding it oh so hard. "You are the most Nen proficient of us all. You are wise, you are strong, you should know better! Do you know how dangerous it'd be if they track me here?! It-"

Killua felt the gradual loss of air, and yet his voice kept rising in tone. "It makes me feel you haven't taken this seriously! You don't believe it's dangerous! Cause I'm a kid, right? And a coward at that, so why believe me? Well, you don't know the stakes, ok? I',m a fucking walking grenade! You shouldn't be this careless around me!"

He was left gasping for air after the tirade.

Biscuit stared at him in dismay. Killua's fisted hands were trembling, one of his hands was now hugging his midsection. His diaphragm probably hurt like hell. She sighed, ordering her priorities. Proving she was right, proving she hadn't been careless at all… even pointing out she barely if ever made mistakes wasn't what the situation required.

"You've got it all wrong, but that's on me" She murmured grimly.

She took another step closer, and Killua's eyes widened in disbelief. He straightened like a bow, right into fight or flight stance.

"Killua, I won't use Nen, not if you don't want to. Is that better?"

Killua's brow creased in confusion, but it seemed to calm him somewhat.

"I'm here because I want to apologise." She didn't move an inch closer, her voice neutral.

"Oh" Killua's stared at her owlishly. "Ok. You're forgiven, for trying Nen on me twice" he spoke warily.

"Ok, not only that. I wanted to ask your forgiveness because I lied." She stated "We need to talk. I need to talk, that day on the snow I lied-"

"You didn't." Killua was quick to reply. He spoke as though he had thought this through quite a few times. There was a pregnant silence as he swallowed.

"You said I'm unable to face what I fear." He sounded oddly calm, but his voice was hollow, "That I would abandon Gon to die one day if I didn't fix it." He couldn't hide how his voice fogged on the word 'die' however

"And you were right. I'm unable to fix it. Just look at me." The sour taste of it bled into his voice as he opened his arms with a twisted smile "It didn't surprise you when I ran from the guys, uh? Biscuit, you saw it coming a mile ahead, you knew what I would do."

"Is that what you really did Killua?" Biscuit's velvety soft voice questioned. She was tilting her head, the depth of her eyes truly revealing her age.

Killua's gaze fell to the patches of darkness and moonlight between them.

"Weren't you really trying to protect him, and us, didn't you leave thinking that whenever the time to face your fears came, and they overpowered you, then you alone would suffer the consequences?"

Killua swallowed again. He opened his mouth. He closed it. He opened it again.

"I returned." He barely whispered. He couldn't look at her.

"That's because you are smarter than that," Biscuit answered.

Killua felt the sting in his eyes.

He wasn't.

He didn't answer, but his shoulder's sagged.

"Would you trust me?" Biscuit asked with a low voice. "I won't use Nen on you. I just want us to stand at that treetop to my left. I want to show you something. Please…"

The boy had been refusing to meet her gaze, but at that he looked up bewildered. He still avoided her as he took a hand to his chest and rubbed absentmindedly. "What…why"

"I can lift you, so you don't have to exert yourself while lacking air and Nen. You just have to take my hand" She was now walking towards the boy with ease. Her eyes followed the way his shoulders immediately locked in place. Even his hair seemed to stand on end at her proximity.

She offered her hand nonetheless. The way she did when attempting to tame street cats when she was sure no one was looking.

"I won't even need to touch you. In a sense, we won't even make skin contact! My hand is gloved." She spoke delightedly. " Aren't you curious?"

Aren't you curious?

The shadow of a smile born from the mentioning of 'gloves' was erased instantly at that last question. As if the word curious had a specific sour flavour. She frowned.

"What I'm about to show you involves a core component of my plan to keep you all safe."

He breathed in and looked up. "Oh. Ok then."

She had Killua at that immediately. Finally.

God, had she known it'd be that easy.

"We need to jump," She spoke gently and with amusement, closing the distance until she stood in front of him. She fastened one of her gloved hands on Killua's smaller one, the other on his frame to lift him. She felt him flinch and his breath hitch, even as he schooled his features. It bothered her more than it should have but t,hen they were up in the air.

They crossed the tapestry of branches that weaved the forest ceiling, into an open night sky, beautiful and infinite. Stars seemed brighter and more prominent in Whale Island, probably due to the lack of light pollution.

Biscuit balanced them safely in a branch, but she was marvelled by the density of the foliage, just a step further from them. The web of trees, ivy and all things green, intertwined into a solid roof in this part of the forest, so thick it gave the illusion they could walk without falling for miles. Maybe they could. The soft wind hummed through the leaves.

Killua had released her and taken some distance, but he seemed to relax visibly.

"You like heights?" Biscuit observed.

The boy nodded, slightly distracted. His hand had again, crept to his chest.

Biscuit didn't mind heights, but she couldn't fathom why being dozens of meters from the ground would make a boy feel safer than in his own room. But she was glad. He seemed as though he was used to walking among trees without care for balance.

"Now I want to show you something. But for that, I need you to use Gyo. Don't give me that look" her tone had mild amusement at the glare. "I'm going to envelop you in a bubble of Nen so you can't be tracked. Like that you'll feel safe when using your Nen, am I wrong?"

Killua remained silent a long time, just breathing hard. His inhaling was somewhat shaky as he spoke. "Will… will the Nen bubble keep anyone from… tracking me, while using Nen? Kurapica wasn't sure."

"Yes."

"Anyone"

"Yes, yes" She chirped.

"Even if I'm…" Nen-conditioned. His right hand was now a tight shackle on his left forearm, the fingers pressing visibly against the skin.

"Yes" Biscuit spoke with conviction.

"Are you a hundred per cent certain?"

Oh my god. Biscuit smiled, feeling that vein in her temple. This kid had issues. How had she missed them?

"I am" She looked in front of her, to the sea that stretched beyond the island. Sensing Killua would feel relief without her gaze on him as she spoke "There is 1% chance I might be wrong, that's how sure I am. But if we happen upon that 1%, I will be here to protect you. All of you. I promise."

From the corner of her eye, she could sense Killua's tension deflating. He still was breathing hard.

He nodded. He clenched his fists with resolve. "Ok."

Biscuit smiled. And she began. Killua observed as she raised her hand and drew a circle in the air. More complex symbols ghosted by deft gloved hands followed. He couldn't see what her Nen looked like and he didn't dare. Only when Biscuit told him with friendly eyes, that he was wrapped in a bubble, did he undo the leather bracelet that Kurapica gave him? He still didn't summon Nen.

"You are ready to go Killua. Use Gyo."

He seemed to hesitate, but Biscuit raised her finger, and a primal instinct that had been trained to recognise numbers faster than Gon, seemed to activate on his own and h,e shouted,

"Seven." He stared "Fuck."

Biscuit smirked pleased with herself to no measure.

"Now, do you see my beautiful Nen bubble?"

It was an almost transparent sphere, made of a soft reddish pink shimmer-like vapour. Biscuit's Nen. She stood from the other side.

"Now look at this" She spoke. Killua observed how she harnessed a ball of Nen in her palm and sent it in Killua's direction like a fairy. The Nen touched the sphere Killua was in, where for a second it burnt bright before it spread and diffused on its curve. It didn't reach Killua inside.

"Of course, if I send it with enough force, my Nen would penetrate the bubble's barrier. Not destroy it, just go through and hit you. What I wanted you to see was how, when my Nen reaches the sphere, it interacts with the Nen in the barrier by burning brightly. Like this, you can see the bubble, correct?"

Killua nodded.

"Now, look at this," There was a spark in Biscuit's eyes that did not come from the glow she was harnessing in her open hand. She let the ball of Nen grow bigger and brighter. Killua had admired Kurapica for his advanced Nen skills. Seeing this, he understood Biscuit was in another league entirely. She was able to harness a considerable amount of energy while holding perfectly the sphere that encapsulated him. Then, Biscuit gracefully stretched and gathered momentum, and she threw the Nen ball upwards, towards the sky, in a powerful emission-type display of force. Killua was reminded of the volleyball match back in Greed Island.

"What are you-" He was silenced, as a considerable distance above them, the ball seemed to collide with an invisible barrier, in the middle of the sky. No, not a barrier. What looked like a dome came into light for some seconds. Biscuit's Nen emission was large enough for the impact, to burn brightly against the concave surface, the energy diffusing in a thousand different sparks thrumming through the invisible sphere.

Killua was reminded of those plasma nebula globes Gon had wanted to buy on eBay after they'd been to that Tesla Museum. The kind you press your hand against the surface and lighting connects its centre to your palm.

Only now they were sort of inside a large-size version.

He was speechless.

"Now that is a proper Nen Dome" Biscuit clasped her hands delighted. "Imagine, all the work required to leave it here, standing on its own! The creator probably used binding runes, but you still would have to secure the entire perimeter of Whale Island with them and require such display of power to craft it! They are probably buried. Who has time for that? And art. And knowing the specific sequence of the binding runes!"

Ging fucking Freecs, of course, Killua's mind supplied, still speechless.

Now he had a thousand other questions he couldn't seem to formulate. And for some unknown reason, his chest hurt.

Biscuit nodded at the unspoken question.

"Yes. That dome is a protective barrier. Amongst other things, it protects those inside from anyone trying to track them. My educated guess is that Ging probably made it to protect Gon from being tracked, or to protect rare Nen infused items he might have left here from outside detection."

Her delighted smile turned serious "Whatever the reason, this means that right now, you Killua, are safe. No one can track you or your friends."

Killua's throat closed. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"It's ok. No one will know you are here, even if you use Nen" Biscuit tried to answer the question, but Killua shook his head.

"You…knew…this…uh…this" He couldn't continue.

He felt overwhelmed.

He didn't want to believe it.

He wanted to believe it desperately.

It was too easy. It was too easy. Biscuit's voice reached him through the fog of his thoughts.

"I didn't know. It was just another educated guess, but I had strong reasons to believe it really existed. For starters, the way you kids told me, Mitosan had the Greed Island Cube for slightly more than a decade before she gave it to Gon. Hunters with certain specialisations can track bounty treasures quite easily just by following rare Nen trails, but Mitosan was never assaulted or disturbed by anyone. If anything, she tried to throw it away on her own! Ah, feisty as she is." Biscuit smiled fondly,

"that detail of the story got me thinking…I researched further on the subject … and yesterday morning, I was able to prove my theory as we arrived. I truly thought we were coming here because you all knew or suspected this though." She rolled her eyes. Then she looked at Killua, realising she'd been talking uninterrupted some time now.

She made the mistake of closing in too quickly. She managed to stop herself short from touching him.

Killua didn't blame her for the move. He'd been functional and fine, and then he 'd lost all air. His knees had buckled. He was on his knees. If he wasn't careful, he would lose his balance and fall, like the time he'd jumped when he was small.

He just couldn't believe he was panicking again. He was sick of it, but his body still reacted, he still recoiled, his lungs still constricted, and at his core the sick thoughts- sick thoughts – sick thoughts-thick and hot, and black as tar, he was covered in them and drowning.

Because it couldn't be this easy, it couldn't be this… good. He wasn't allowed to hope, he wasn't allowed to feel safe. He wasn't. Every bloody time he'd allowed himself to hope, he'd been wrong.

He wanted to. He desperately wanted to, with all his heart, with all his being, with all this agonising yearn that he couldn't push down and so it crept up his throat and made his eyes sting-

"Killua. I will protect you."

Biscuit was kneeling in front of the boy. She took note with increasing disbelief on the amount of coaxing Killua needed. The strength of the sheer terror he seemed to cradle in his chest, the way it seeped through the cracks of his façade and body.

"Even if I am wrong, which I am not, I will protect you Killua. I will protect you and your friends. And I will stay here repeating those words until they get through your thick skull you stubborn brat. You. Are. Safe."

Killua didn't look at her.

He nodded once.

"Now I will withdraw my Nen bubble because there is a much bigger, and stronger Nen Dome over us, so it is pointless. Is that ok?"

Killua closed his eyes. The Nen bubble was gone. Pre-emptively he'd stopped using Gyo.

Biscuit sighed.

"I'm glad you allowed me to show you that. Now, let's focus on the matter at hand. You have been on varying degrees of acute anxiety all night, which is common with panic attacks, and PTSD. Right now, you can't breathe again, right? Jesus, it must be exhausting, to be in this state for such an extended time, what weeks? I'm sorry, I didn't know. I want to use Cookie Chan to help you. Is that ok?"

How did she know about…No. She hadn't talked to Kurapica or Leorio since he'd returned. She must have concluded on her own about what was happening to him. Maybe she thought the PTSD thingy was due to a troubled childhood? She had figured out about the torture training. Perhaps all adults knew weird acronyms?

"I've had my share of battles" she answered the unspoken question. "in war-torn countries. War leaves scars" She exhaled slowly. "It is my duty to learn how to manage those. Cookie-chan… can help relax battle-worn comrades. She is very soothing. It's not the same as using meds. Those probably have a more lasting and stronger effect. But for now, it might help" she offered.

"Brains and brawn…uh," A pretence at nonchalance that failed at his inability to speak. But there was visible relief on Biscuit's expression.

"You forgot one!" She chirped "I am brains, brawn and beauty!" She winked and chuckled. And she began conjuring her faithful Nen-created assistant.

Killua felt the fear creeping in again. But he was tired of fighting. He was so so tired.

"Cookie-Chan, she…will touch you" Biscuit hesitated. "on your shoulder. But she is just Nen. And you are not using Gyo, so you won't even see her."

And then he felt it. Warmth enveloped him and the tight coil around his throat loosened.

It was similar to how Kurapica's calming Nen had been and yet different. Where Kurapica's Nen conjured peace, Biscuit's aura induced the relaxation of all his muscles. Kurapica's calm somehow came with detaching his body from his feelings for a while, a form of numbing. Biscuit's aura felt like being submerged in the warm water of a Spa. It didn't affect his feelings, instead encompassing all his muscles and tendons and knots and all other corporal tensions he wasn't even aware of.

The difference was interestingly coherent with their characters.

Whatever the spell was, he closed his eyes, as his lungs expanded a little bit more with each new breath. They burnt, and with the adrenaline now fading off, he became aware of how sore his muscles were, how raw his throat felt. Yes, it was still there, but the feeling of impending doom grew more distant.

He opened his eyes tiredly to find Biscuit sitting next to him, leaving a space between them. She looked straight ahead. She dangled her feet slowly as Gon did. Maybe it was something children and adults did alike.

"Are you better?"

Killua nodded. He wasn't using Nen, but he could feel Cookie Chan disappear. He didn't want her to go away, but Biscuit had displayed a number of great and complex forms of Nen up to the moment and t,he lines around her eyes revealed exhaustion. He was ok anyway. He could breathe, right?

There was just this underlying… pain.

He opened his mouth, to offer apologies or thanks but Biscuit shook her head "No. Focus on just breathing in. Allow yourself to take a break." She gave him an assessing side glance "Stay there and breathe. I need you to listen to all I have to say anyway."

Killua looked ahead in acknowledgement. And Biscuit swallowed dry.

"Killua. I am a liar. I have told you and Gon before that I am. Maybe it's my transmuter nature? Maybe looking for gems and working in conflict zones has made me Machiavellian? No excuse is good enough when you forget how a lack of truth can have devastating consequences." Her voice was soft and gentle.

"That day, in the snow, many thoughts crossed my mind. My youngest student seems in evident trouble, he is in front of me but won't look me in the eye, and he requests my help but is not speaking. He is being tracked, no one else knows, not even his best friend. It is truly unsettling for me." She spoke softly.

"So I make many mistakes, like trying to use my limited knowledge of this kid to force him to speak. Because unlike other students I've had along the years, that have marked quests or reasons to be a hunter, or even silly whims, desires, selfish needs, well here stands a child that doesn't seem to be moved by anything really. Only one thing seems his call to motion, and that is his allegiance to the ones he cares for."

He sensed Killua shift by her side, his attention on her.

"And I need him to speak, so I think, if desires do not work, then confronting him with his fear might. Maybe it'll make him talk, make him stand up to me, offer resistance, a resistance that can bridge a dialogue between us. Well, that went remarkably wrong. Now, this boy has closed down even more. The day he left us, I stood in the mirror trying to drill in my mind that I maybe fifty, but I still have a thousand flaws. I was now facing the depth of my mistakes." She sighed.

She noticed Killua's surprised expression.

"Killua…drill this into your mind. If Gon was ever in imminent danger", she spoke softly, yet firmly "the only one who would know if you would run or if you would stay to fight, the only one with access to that knowledge, is you. No outsider can tell you who you are, no one should dare to, only you can decide that. You are the only one with that right."

Killua took that in.

He took that in for an entire period of thirty seconds.

And shook his head. His voice found him.

"You believed…I mean" He inhaled sharply through his nose. Even if his breathing was no longer messed-up, speaking would always be difficult for him.

He ordered his thoughts. "Look, I concede that if the moment comes, it will be up to me to decide that. I understand… But you are entitled to predict outcomes based on your study of my reactions and of people. And you did believe I would…" abandon him. "And then I…" ran away.

For the first time, he saw hurt cross Biscuit's features as she stared ahead.

"Don't… Killua I lied. Please, understand that. It hurts to see how much you clung to my nonsense! I thought you would call out my bluff, adults …adults are better at dialoguing over problems instead of passively…taking words- What I truly believed back then…to me, it was more dangerous than what I thought was a harmless lie. I preferred you to believe in my misleading words, and that the fear of leaving Gon would rouse the fight within you! I wanted to make you angry at me, I wanted to make you want to prove me wrong. I preferred a hundred times that than giving you a piece of my mind for real. I preferred you proving me wrong than allowing you to foster a truth that does not serve you…"

Killua straightened alarmed. There was always something much worse hidden, he shouldn't be surprised. "I'm entitled to know. What do you really think about me, what is more, dangerous than abandoning Gon" His voice was low, already condemnatory.

"I think Kurapica told you that one, didn't he?" She sighed deeply. "It's the only thing he told me."

"Uh?" Did she even talk with Kurapica? About these things? As if reading his thoughts, Biscuit answered, a sad smile painting her prim features.

"Yes Killua, on your one-month absence we did speak quite a bit about you. Particularly us adults. Even if those two don't trust me with many things these last few days" she sighed heavily "I told you that if Gon was in imminent danger, your inability to confront people who overpower you would make you run away. The truth is that in a one-to-one battle with a stronger opponent-"

"I flee." Killua whispered

"Yes, but when Gon's involved you" she pressed her lips together.

You throw yourself in front of him. I've seen it a million times. Kurapica's earnest eyes, holding his palm as he healed him only a week ago.

As if echoing Kurapica's voice, Biscuit proceeded in a cold tone.

"You become self-destructive. I've seen it. Evenly matched, you operate flawlessly, but imbalances of power trigger you quite acutely. On your own, you flee, but when Gon is involved, or even others you care for, then you…You sacrifice yourself."

Biscuit bit her lip, hesitating. She exhaled.

"It's not only that you give up, but that you give up yourself. Sometimes your intentions are masked, sometimes they become starkly apparent depending on how strong your opponent is, but in all cases, you are more than willing to run to your death, if it gives others a chance to escape. Rather than joining forces. Or merely running away. Or planning a strategy to gain time or your classic silver-tongue negotiations, or even fathom the possibility that yes, you could win if you outwit your enemy" She began numbering, her lips pursed "You freeze. And you submit. You think that by doing so, you are shielding Gon." She murmured.

"I didn't tell you this because I don't want you to take pride in it, I don't want you to feel proud of 'saving' Gon this way because you wouldn't. You would break him. I don't want you to ever create that outcome. Giving yourself up is not an option." Biscuit's eyes were blazing "Hurting yourself in battle purposefully beyond recovery, to give others a chance to flee, is not an option. You are not in a warzone, and you are only thirteen. Do you understand that?"

The image of him sitting in a bathroom floor across Gon grazed his mind. It was his turn telling him his round with Machi and how he'd been bound…until Hisoka's taunting had drawn out his claws... He could still see Gon's eyes, the dark in them, even as they pooled the light, beholding Killua. Understanding more of him than he himself did.

He swallowed.

It was true.

He didn't even feel guilty.

The heaviness in Biscuit's voice brought him back "Killua, I'm manipulative. I verbalised your fear. I was cruel. I wanted you to learn to fight opponents stronger than you rather than letting you rely on a self-destructive crutch, particularly when I realised you were being tracked and the others didn't know. I did something so low as using Gon against you, so you wouldn't even dare think to give yourself up to your tracker. And that is the truth."

She let her words linger for some seconds before she added, breathing in.

"And I regret it, deeply. I am sorry. I never thought that, instead of getting angry at me, you would take my words at face value, no questions asked." She shook her head, frustrated.

"But I am your teacher. Of course, you would. I've never taught children, I was so marvelled at how fast you learned, how you children drink all knowledge like thirsty little sponges, I should have known better. I shouldn't have manipulated you like that. I really screwed up. You have every right to be angry at me."

"I'm not," Killua looked at his lap, confused. He felt…relief. And exhaustion. Not anger. "I just…want all this to be over."

He hated the way his voice sounded.

"It will be," Biscuit promised.

"I'm sorry I didn't speak. Back then. And always."

"You couldn't."

"Still I-"

"I didn't mean the Nen-restriction." Biscuit continued "You were trained to remain silent while being tortured, right? You were trained to distrust any sign of external support." Biscuit paused gently, looking far ahead into the sea "You don't know how to ask for help. No one has taught you."

Killua clasped his knees with his hands.

"And now, it is my duty as your teacher to show you how" She chirped.

"How to ask for help" he repeated.

"Yes, yes" she spoke kindly. "Specifically, to ask us for help Killua. You can rely on us adults, the ones that now currently surround you. Next time you do that, instead of running away, ok? We won't judge you. We won't hurt you. "

He'd heard that before.

Killua hugged his knees. Apparently, a dome protected him and there was now a coordinated team of adults who wanted to help him.

Rely on us.

He had to tell them when he wasn't feeling good. And ask for help if something arose. Like leaving the island in a fucking week or two to meet Father. Again, that instantaneous, nauseating, nagging feeling. It seemed so alien. So…

Wrong.

So against every whip, chain, poison-induced-fever and hour of confinement, so against every lesson taught.

"It's wrong."

"Sorry?" Only Biscuit's voice made him realise he'd spoken aloud. "Something's wrong?"

The question was interrupted by a ringtone that startled Killua.

"Oh, it's just those two. They're probably worried about you. But you're okay, right? You seem better" she spoke to herself in an inadvertent self-reassurance, while she stood up "Just one-second Killua-chan, I won't take long."

Biscuit answered her cell phone. "Hello, hello. Yup, all is under control. What? Oh. Ease down, wait, they called and asked for me? I'm literally useless to them, I can't hear you, hold on" Biscuit stood, looking for a signal.

Killua observed the horizon wary.

He still could vividly remember the nightmare. This entire time, from the moment he'd woken up screaming, he'd been actively trying not to think about it. Trying not to think what that made of him. What he had lent himself to be used as.

Keep it at bay, observe your surroundings- he could almost hear Leorio in his mind.

He opened his eyes.

He was sitting in a tree branch, in the middle of a forest… perched in a branch much like the way he'd been at ten. He extended his hand, this time trying to hold the liquid moonlight instead of the sun. The nightmare lingered there, distant as a ghost from another life and yet perspiring, clinging to his skin. It whispered through the breeze in his hair, and that old feeling flooded him suddenly in a wave. And the landscape, the moon, the sea, his Whale Island, the island Gon had ensured Killua called home… it no longer was. It became unfamiliar and incongruous, the waves, the stars, even the leaves, they were misshapen and extraneous, the texture of reality became something foreign, beyond his grasp, and he couldn't breathe-

He closed his eyes.

He wasn't ok.

He was sinking. Sinking to a place where Gon couldn't reach…

And he would rather push Gon far off to safety and drown than drag him down. Not when sometimes it was so certain there was no way up. Not when there was this viscous tar-like darkness pouring from within his core. It tainted everything he touched, everything he felt, everything he thought.

It tainted everyone he knew.

His friends in danger, and on the run. Leorio not starting his new academic year normally, Kurapica freezing his assignments to the Nostrade family, with his personal revenge on hold, Biscuit here sitting ducks, on Mito's home, Gon's life depending on whether he used Nen or not, while he, Killua, stood in the eye of the hurricane, faking ignorance to his own destructive power on the ones he loved, not to drive the stake of guilt, of wrong, deeper.

Illumi knew of this corrupting malignancy their last name bore.

Killua was not expected to mingle with the ordinary world, they both belonged to the shadows, together, he said. Together. Let him fall like a drop into the white canvas of the world and Killua, intending it or not, would slowly drench it black. Illumi had always said he was just trying to spare Killua of the painful process of realising so. He could hear each and every one of his words, against his skin, inside his mind.

Why, when he was the most protected, the safest he'd been so far when all was fine, why now he felt as if he should've never hoped? Why did he feel that this was dangerous?

He shouldn't be here. Maybe he should've just grown into the mould he was supposed to, and he would eventually have understood, the way Illumi said he would. He would've become Illumi's most prized possession, Father's most exceptional weapon, the best assassin of his line.

Maybe this new view of the world Gon had been teaching him, the one he was holding onto so desperately, perhaps it was skewed. The strong did survive over the weak, the wolf ripped the flesh of the lamb, the fang sunk into sinew and bone without regard to how fast it once fled —and for a scalding second, the aura ingrained in him became a pinprick next to the memory of greedy hands, of Illumi's shape inside his body— he shut tight his eyes, his mind became a feast for crows-

What if his true his sin was arrogance, Illumi had said so, he had, he had, his words inside his mind. Believing he could be free, like a hare, for the first time savouring such heights when picked by the claws of the scavenger, just to splatter into the ground to become its feast.

No protecting dome would last, and his friends weren't something to bet against his fortune.

Rely on us, Biscuit had said, but all adults said so to younger people, even his Father, even Illumi-God how to explain it? Suddenly Gon's hand is on your shoulder at the ship's crow nest, and you are not facing him, you're standing on his shadow… and a chasm opens wide between you, threatening to swallow you both whole.

For the first time in his life, he couldn't run to Gon.

The order of the world had been altered; the fact was breaking them both.

And he was expected to trust adults instead?

He felt the visceral loathing lashing, the disgust, the anger.

Adults did stuff with things in mind and not because. Their minds operated by logic and greed, ruled by the capitalize-on and profit-over, over things, over death, over revenge, over sex, over people.

They wanted things in return, always. Always. Always. ALWAYS. Not just Illumi, everyone. He wasn't stupid, he realised tonight's nightmare was a memory, one he all but refused to process. After that, was it really that irrational if he resented every bloody time he owed them? Not knowing what an adult wanted from him in return, and they wanted him to ask for help? Go ahead, relinquish control to them just like that? what if, what if-

He could vaguely hear Biscuit was coming back. Okay-he tried to breathe- okay. Everything was fine.

He was under a dome.

Worst case scenario, if there was an ulterior motive, Leorio, Kurapica, Biscuit, they still wouldn't hurt him, right? He sort of knew that. They. Wouldn't. Hurt. Him. They would resent him maybe, or maybe they would work their own agenda using him, and hell, he was more than willing to be used by the adults in his life that wished him well.

It even sounded fair.

Yes, he couldn't deny it, he'd been scared the first time he'd realised Leorio and Kurapica too, like any adults, had a sexual orientation and engaged in stuff like sex. Of course, they would! They were adults! All adults had sex. They were just normal adults.

And who the hell was he to judge? He might not be normal because he'd been young, but he'd had sex. Years prior he'd learned how to weaponize sex-whenever he wasn't being overwhelmed by it. He knew stuff he shouldn't. He knew that if he screamed or fought, Illumi became vicious and lustful, if he feigned pleasure—or felt it and made a show of it- it was over sooner. Early on he learned that resistance and compliance ended in the same. The slight difference was that complying either meant verbal humiliation or being granted favours or both, this is stuff he knew and knew well. He knew how to gasp. If tonight's memory was real, he'd used sex to obtain information many times, just as taught. Hell, if Milluki hated him, it was because he knew that if he was good, he could cash in sex for favours his other siblings didn't receive, like going out on his own, having his own money, not doing all his school assignments, slacking off with the oppressive rigour of the Zoldick Household rules.

…He'd sometimes sought it out when he'd been bored.

When he'd been lonely…

Killua was the misshapen, the wrongness, the monster. Not them.

And with it, the unexpected blow to his chest, right in the middle of his train of thoughts. He clenched his eyes to halt them, to block the visions of bloodshed, of murder, the lifeless eyes, the smell of death, the rising numbers. Because he even knew that if he was going to torture himself, it was better to think about sex than murder. The images were blocked.

He was so much worse than normal adults who engaged in sex with other adults.

Then why, shit, why, why, why … every goddamn fucking time, if he ever asked for help, or even if he didn't, and they helped him anyway just like now, THERE they stood, hunched over his shoulders like vultures gnawing from his chest, all these fucking feelings, vicious, clawing, ready to eat him, to expose him. The ones that made him recoil, and flinch, and doubt, and try to gauge desperately from others' eyes the ulterior motive, why are you doing this, why are you helping me, what do you want from me, what will I have to do-

It was only when he swatted the gloved hand away, that he realised Biscuit was in front of him. And that he'd been silently crying.

He didn't cry.

Words, words, words were being spoken, but their meaning didn't stick long enough to reach his mind.

And this pain dug like a war trench deep within his chest.

"Killua… talk to me. Tell me to use Cookie Chan. What's wrong. Please" Biscuit's words reached him.

He felt how it happened. How he distanced himself from his thoughts and chest and skin. How he froze it all, suspended animation, how he switched to numbness. He wondered why his switch sometimes worked, and other times it didn't. Even the self-loathing felt slightly more distant.

He couldn't switch off the wariness though. Wanting Biscuit to be six feet away. Survival instinct maybe. Ask others for help she'd said, right? He swallowed and used his pyjama's sleeve to dry his face, already detached.

"… I'm guessing you can't take the…" He couldn't even use the words he needed, Illumi had made sure of that. He tried to gesture. "You can't take this. From me, either right?" The heel of his hand rubbed his chest, even as his mind immediately blocked the morbid sensation of it being inside.

"The Nen-conditioning" Biscuit supplied with a whisper "No, I can't lift it."

He hadn't expected her to.

"Is it bothering you?"

"Makes me sick to my guts" he laughed dryly.

"Maybe it has to do with the Hatsu of this Nen user, to cause nausea" Biscuit mused.

Killua was pretty sure it didn't have to do with that.

"But we will break the pact, Killua. I've been thinking of how. We will work this out."

"Why. As in what's in it for you" The venom still bled through his attempted casual tone. He couldn't help it.

He followed the myriad of expression crossing Biscuit's features: surprise then outrage. Then the restrain turning into an unreadable expression. The rosewood eyes that had been trained on him with worry and calling him back had fled to settle on the horizon, a glint of hardness in them.

Half of her pale face was lit by the moonlight, half in shadows.

"I see."

He was expecting something different at that. But then, she cleared her throat, and her voice modulated as if she was fetching a sunny tone from her purse.

"Let's just say that what I get from helping you, is your promise not to divulge how my unorthodox ways of teaching that can backfire. That makes it even, right? I help you work all this out. And you keep my image intact. Sounds like a fair deal?"

Killua could tell she was lying and was confused.

It was her tone. I see what you need.

"Oh, and I almost forgot! Of course, someone like me wouldn't have come, not really, if it wasn't for this wonderful dome, right? I'm helping you, yes, yes, but in return, I get to study this first-hand! Imagine I'm able to decode the sequence of binding runes Ging used! I believe it's a win-win situation for you and for me. So, I think our debts are settled."

Killua swallowed. Apparently, Biscuit knew he barely understood relationships beyond negotiating tactics. He felt transparent and awful. It was even worse that his mind realised her intention…

But his gut felt immediate relief regardless.

He could latch onto that. Yes, Biscuit didn't need reasons to help him, not really, his mind told him… but his gut answered in tandem how just in case, his retribution was clear-scripted. It was much more manageable than just waiting for the tables to turn on him, to wait without knowing the ulterior motive behind the help. A clear contract was written. He felt another wave of relief.

"I can… I can do that" he whispered. He could totally do that. Not tell anyone about Biscuit being an unorthodox teacher. Let her study this dome. Yup. Piece of cake. It was not sex or murder. That the thought even crossed his mind made him want to puke, but then again, he was a monster. A relieved monster. Now he could ask for help more freely.

As if reading his thoughts, Biscuit offered "With the dome thing I am actually on the winning side on this partnership. But I am not able to lift the Nen conditioning, so for now, instead, is there anything I can help you with? Involving our situation?"

Killua exhaled slowly, checking again that he was in control, numb, functional, good. This was Biscuit's way of offering help. He could latch onto that system.

"In a week or two, I have to leave the island for some days. I have a meeting with my father. Haven't told the guys yet. Only Gon knows. Father…he might help with the issue of the tracker. " He monotoned.

Biscuit eyes examined him "The infamous Silva Zoldick. How interesting. And Gon knows about this meeting…but he doesn't know about your tracker? Or the incident that began this? Or the Nen-conditioning, does he?"

Killua stared ahead.

"Why? Why haven't you told him?"

"I lack coordination?"

"Coordination is certainly not something you lack. But for the sake of argument, you will harmonise information between parties involved and tell him then?"

"No"

"Why?"

He felt the shadow of a smile cross his features.

"I know him. He'll go berserk trying to protect me. He'll go on his own against the tracker if he has to. I don't want to put him in danger" Killua shrugged.

Biscuit exhaled.

"We could talk to him. I could help him see wise ways to react. He should know what you are going through."

"I'm going through nothing. The more he knows, the more he'll involve himself in this mess, the more they can use him as leverage or hurt him or-"

"He has a right to want to protect you."

"You tell him anything, I ran away" He looked ahead calmly. "I'm just not willing to risk it. Won't risk him."

Biscuit was silent some seconds. A whisper escaped her "Such pure love," she smiled softly.

"What?"

"I can actually help you get out and then come back into the island safe and fast, I had already planned for that. I have quite the practical solution you won't even be close to guessing. BUT you will have to give me more details of your plan of action in exchange. Not now, but eventually."

It was half-past four in the morning when they arrived back to the Inn.

As they opened the door quietly into the living room, they found Leorio and Kurapica were on the couch, with Kurapica fast asleep and Leorio on his computer. The doctor's expression morphed from despair to elation so quickly, Killua consciously made an effort not to flinch when his hair was ruffled wildly.

A faint light timidly invited itself through the windows, when Amelie began its round of mournful hungry meows. Mitosan sat in her bed yawning, put a shawl around her shoulders and followed the tabby cat's lead to her little bowl and filled it.

Amelie was now happily commenting on how much she liked her food, and Mito was sleepily nodding her interest when she noticed through the windows the huddled figure by the porch. She could have easily missed Killua altogether, curled into the wicker loveseat.

Mito went outside. She soundlessly sat next to the boy, who had been staring ahead from his curled position. Mito knew it was a good sign he wasn't startled.

"I seemed to have stumbled upon a sleepy cat on my porch. I was wondering what he was doing here."

Killua sat sluggishly, rubbing his eyes and stretched, a graceful feline movement that ended with the crack of his interlocked hands pulled outward and over his head, before curling again, knees on chest, to observe her.

"He wanted to see the sunrise?"

Mito gently took Killua's chin.

He let her.

"Mmm," she assessed him "Nope he did not. Is a kitten hungry? Should Mom Cat make breakfast?"

Mito enjoyed the colour lighting Killua's cheeks. But he shook his head, "no, not really…" the last word ended with him stifling a yawn.

Mito observed him, narrowing her eyes. "I think he wants to go to sleep" She assessed. "Kitten seems exhausted."

"Man, he's is freaking exhausted" he agreed, sighing heavily.

Biscuit had updated Leorio and Kurapica of their dome situation over the phone. When they arrived, Killua had seen loose diagrams of spheres and binding runes of Kurapica's doing over the table as if he'd been explaining the mechanics to Leorio before passing out.

That was probably why Leorio already had in his hands the medication at their arrival.

Killua pretended to listen attentively to the doctor's instructions. He then took the capsule and swallowed it in front of the doctor to reassure him. He saw his face light in relief.

Or that's what he'd made Leorio believe.

The fact was, the Nen pill was still on his pocket. The trick was second nature to him by now.

He looked at Mito from the corner of his eye, she was expectant. He sighed. "You are right, I'll return to my bedroom."

He wasn't going to return, though.

"Why were you here, kitten?" She shook her head as if seeing past his words.

He hesitated at that too.

It was more difficult to lie to Mito. It didn't come out as naturally.

"Was it another nightmare?" He felt Mito's warm hand resting on his back. Gently, asking permission to be there. He let her. He looked at his knees, attentively.

It had sometimes happened in his visits to Whale Island in the past. Mito would stumble upon him perched to a window by the living room on his own, in the middle of the night.

Usually, he didn't have words. Usually, he couldn't speak. Mito had seemed to know this. Sometimes she made him tea, or warm milk. Thrice, a sleepy version of her had sat them both by the fire, guiding his head to her shoulder or lap as she ranted on mundane things and he nodded silently. She would rub his back gently or caress his hair.

He would let her.

Gon had never asked why he sometimes awoke to a Killua sleeping on the couch curled in woollen blankets.

Now, Mito's hand was absent-mindedly rubbing his back as she waited for an answer. He couldn't really explain the physics behind it, but the only people he didn't mind touching him, ever, had been Mito and Gon.

Until the night of their arrival. When Mito had kissed him goodnight, and he'd wanted to push her away.

Killua shook his head.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I'm here." A frail admission given under his breath ending in a regretful chuckle.

"He makes you feel safe" Mito replied.

The warmth of her hand on his back hadn't made him shiver or tense. If anything, he'd unconsciously leaned to the contact. But at how those words rang true, he stiffened. Killua moved away, marginally creating a space between him and Mito, troubled gaze not meeting hers.

A warmth he'd known before-

Mito reminded him of-

He couldn't-

She-

He couldn't continue his train of thought.

Mito frowned, her hand hanging limp. She redirected it to comb away the bangs from Killua's eyes, to read him better, but he minutely shied away.

"I hurt him" Killua mumbled. The words seem to fall heavily to his lap. His hands were curled around the edge of his seat. Mito frowned at the words that had been offered to her as if a dying confession.

This was the crux of it all, she thought. She followed along.

"You did" She tilted her head, with an ameliorating smile in place "You disappeared from the face of the earth for a month. I've never heard Gon so worried…so lost." She observed aloud, looking at the sky. When she looked at Killua again, he couldn't find any condemnation in her eyes. Only wistfulness.

He recoiled underneath that soft stare. "I didn't mean-" he shook his head. "I'm not a good friend" he agreed "I shouldn't be here. He shouldn't…"

"I don't think so at all. Gon certainly doesn't think so. You had your reasons."

Mito could observe in detail the conundrum that inhabited Killua. Nails digging into the wicker-weaving to hold himself still, as if words were crowding his throat. The lost gaze as if he was unable to articulate any…not unlike those times she had found him on his own, only this time the nightmare seemed to prowl right under the surface, right under his skin.

And his eyes, they wouldn't meet hers.

The boy swallowed dryly.

"I hurt him physically" he stressed "Before I left. I used" Only then his hands unfurled, to lie in his lap, his palms open "I used my hands."

He was staring at them when Mito gently held one of Killua's open palms. Her other hand laid gently on his back.

"Killua…"

The soft gesture bruised him, a volcano suddenly welling inside him, reaching his eyes.

"I lifted my hand. I hurt your son." Mito could tell Killua hadn't even realised what he'd said that last word he'd used. The matter-of-fact tone rang discordantly to the wetness spilling down his cheek, trickling to his chin, falling to his open hands. Mito could tell he didn't seem to notice.

"Gon told me about that nightmare, angel. I know how it went. It wasn't your fault."

"…you don't know the things I've done" Killua whispered.

There was a moment were only the cicadas murmured into the quiet of the night.

"I don't need to know unless you want me too." The warm glow of Mito's voice had a thawing spark. "It's still ok, Killua. You didn't harm Gon. And I already knew what happened, there's nothing wrong."

Her voice came soothing, like the rustle of feet against the hearthrug on their last Christmas eve there. It blanketed Killua, and it felt familiar. Her hand was rubbing circles on his back gently, unlocking his muscles. And with it, he could feel the words simmering up his throat, pouring out of him. And this time, from all others, he let them overflow in a whisper.

"They are coming… in my dreams…like a flood. And I can take…"

Killua inhaled shakily.

"I can take almost all. I can take the other things. All the other fucked-up things I dream off" he whispered feverishly "but what I most deserve to affront and swallow" and he could feel he was no longer there, but in the memory, and his breath shook, he wasn't ready to go there yet, he clenched his teeth, he wasn't- "…I c-can't. Those I can't. They are bigger than my body. I'd give…I'd give my body, I'd give it again and again if it only meant they weren't…they weren't hurt" And he knew he wasn't making sense to Mito, but the words kept flowing, feeling he was surrendering to that he had so desperately tried to push down "I h-hurt them. They are f-forever hurt. Things I. Can't. Undo."

He was only partially aware he was shaking. "And I thought I could keep up with the dreams turning w-worse and worse cause I deserve them, but those, those are starting to come up too, they're hurt, their eyes don't see, and those…those…those I can't" He hugged his midsection with his right arm to hold himself as he tried to explain himself logically "Those. I. Can't. They make me want to…" a strangled sob constricted his throat "…I didn't want to hurt t-them."

He wasn't even aware of how painful Mito's grip was on his shoulder. He could only hear the choked whimper as he pushed those words out-

"… and I hurt Gon and I felt it again. All over again. I never... I swore I never lift my hand- I didn't want to hurt him, not him." He choked "Especially not him. But I did. I did. I did." He realised one of his hands had flown to cover his mouth, as if holding his insides from coming out, but he couldn't stop it "IhurthimIhurthim-"

Mito's arms engulfed his frame. And he realised it was a response to that bubbling up his throat he was trying to hold at bay, a mute ringing against his ears, his breath uneven with the scathing sound- sobs. One after another, as if he couldn't breathe, he was sobbing. He felt like a woollen yarn unravelling, he was being turned inside out, he was overflowing, and with it he was flooding the world, staining Mito's nightgown and shawl and the night, because he'd become the black inkblot, he tainted everything he touched, and couldn't do anything to stop it, couldn't even stop the heaving of his chest, couldn't even stop the sobbing.

Mito held him through it.

The part of his mind that was staring from afar thought how she seemed to be holding, with sheer will, the cracked pieces of what he'd become, holding in his hands the broken, even if it was now useless, scalding contents spilling, soaking. Part of Killua's mind wondered and couldn't begin to understand why she did it, why she seemed to contain him entirely in her embrace. She didn't speak. She only rubbed his back and rocked him, holding him tightly. She let him cry.

The other part of Killua's mind wasn't really there. Hadn't been. And with it, he knew the memories were grazing again-not the dark hands around his body, not anymore, but the soft calling of his name- he had known this embrace before, this encompassing warmth holding him, his chest heaved in mourning he didn't even want to learn of, he was scared of learning of-

Belatedly Killua realised Mito was silently crying with him when one of her tears fell to his cheek. He felt slowly being brought back, for when Mito spoke, her voice was sorrowful but collected. And soothing.

"Whatever you've ever done and could do…you are inside my heart forever, Killua" Her voice was something he hadn't heard before.

"I don't care about your past, you've earned your way in, and I can't ever wish it another way..." She declared.

It left an imprint.

"Killua... I wish you could see yourself for who you truly are. I wish I held that magic mirror. You don't deserve this pain you carry-" Her hand was on his hair, but its gentleness couldn't stop that scalding bubble up his throat.

"You don't know the things I've done!" This time anger wielded the accusation, his frame shook with it.

Mito did know.

She wasn't oblivious, she had done her own research on who Killua was a long time ago. Immediately after the first time he'd seen the scars on his back. She had read everything about the last name the child carried and the family to brandish it.

It wasn't difficult to find at all online. If anything, that last name was apparently infamous.

It hurt to acquire the knowledge.

It had made her even question legal proceedings. Question if she should contact Ging, if something like battling for custody against such a powerful family was even possible, if he would help her get custody of Killua as a man of power himself, even if the last time she'd seen Ging, it'd been in a battle of custody themselves.

As Mito held him now, she thought on how Killua had harboured his own safety. He'd run away. He was choosing where to stay. Who to stay with. He was making his own decisions.

And this boy, in her arms right now, didn't want her knowing. Wasn't prepared for her to know about his past. Even in her arms, he had now recoiled from her touch.

"If you knew you wouldn't let me come near you. You wouldn't let me come near Gon. You'd let me leave. You still can."

Killua felt her arms tightening around him. "Don't you dare."

Deep within her, the doubt began brewing. Over whether there was a reason there was a nightly cat on her porch that dawn when not a soul was near. "Maybe I know." She let out suddenly.

She felt him tense painfully in her arms, and she sighed "And maybe I don't. I don't want you to focus on that. Instead, I want you to think about Gon because you aren't."

She carded her fingers through his hair. That got his attention.

"Gon knows you better than any living in this world. Am I right?"

Killua nodded against her shoulder with ease.

It was hilarious, Mito thought, that from all statements, this particular one he didn't hesitate or care to refute.

"I want you to think how, whatever you have ever done, he chose and still chooses to be by your side." There was a cadence to Mito's voice, like a chant, like a lullaby. "The one who knows you the best in the world, he wants to be by your side and chooses you constantly. I think right now, you are only respecting his choice. I think instead… you should trust him."

Mito took Killua by his shoulders, gently separating him to look into his eyes, while still holding his shoulders. "I trust Gon like no one in my life. Oh, he can get many things wrong, he is young, but he is never wrong about who he chooses. I know that with my soul. I'm his mother. So on his behalf, I'm asking you what he can't say to your face. I'm asking you to believe in him."

The sun was slowly rising, it lit Mito's hair softly, like a halo, as she sought and held his gaze.

"I know it's hard when you don't think you can't trust yourself. So for now, let Gon and me, and your friends, let us, family, do the believing-in-you, for you" she cupped his cheek, looking at those unguarded eyes, her other hand gently holding his limp frame by his shoulders. "Until you can do it on your own."

"I'm not-"

"I know. It is not easy. I know you don't feel like you deserve it" she smiled. "You do. But it's like a muscle you have to exercise. While you are at it, for now, let us do the work. It's an entire family here that are supporting you. Not many achieve such allegiance. You inspire the love we have for you."

Love.

Mito could tell Killua was ambivalent at the word.

"Do you believe in Gon?"

Killua nodded, looking down.

"Then trust him."

Killua's eyes were wide. Mito cupped his cheek.

"Trusting him will make you see him too. See how he needs you. Sometimes pain can blind us from what others need, or how others feel" A smile tugged her lips, making her look beautiful, the teardrops on her lashes lit like morning dew.

"Oh"

"I'm also learning. My instinct to protect him sometimes clouds me. I now know I have to trust him too." She stood, taking his hand "Come."

Killua was at a loss as he followed her. He felt like a ghost, see-through against the rays of lights as she guided him inside. They barely made a sound up the stairs, steps muffled by the quiet of dawn.

They stood by the door at the end of the stairs. That familiar door.

"I…I don't understand."

"You need to sleep" she turned to smile at him "You really need to rest. You need to be cared for. You don't let anyone do that fully except for Gon. You don't let your guard down unless you are next to him." Her tone was wistful, but when her eyes landed on Killua's puzzlement, amusement painted her expression.

"Gon and I talked. Gon knows the ground rules." She smiled. Then Mito observed him tenderly, and that gaze encompassed him, it steadied him "You feel safest with him."

Before he could reply, Mito hugged him gently. He was invaded by the scent of home. "I love you both." She kissed his forehead ", And I love you little one."

Those words. Little one.

Something inside him broke. Or maybe mended. He wasn't sure.

She had opened the door quietly and led him in "You sleep all you need to, even if that's one or two pm or the entire day," she smiled.

Then she left.

Killua stood there, in Gon's room, like a ghost.

He felt he'd poured himself out, and the emptiness he felt was relieving and confusing. His mind was beyond wondering whether he deserved this. He felt weightless.

Gon was facing the wall, his back to him, hugging a pillow. The gentle rays of the morning sun lighting patches of his skin.

Killua felt drawn to him, and this time there was an absence of guilt as he gravitated closer. He hadn't been aware how pervasive the guilt had been, how it'd weighed him down for so long. He felt light.

He crept under the blankets, and gave Gon his back, not to bother him. He was immediately surrounded by his scent. He inhaled it deeply, it soothed his sleep-deprived mind.

He felt that warmth in his chest again.

For some time now he'd slowly been admitting, at least to himself, how he needed this. How he liked this, being next to Gon. He didn't need to feel shame if no one else knew, he thought. Maybe he could have a bit of this… of Gon's scent, of Gon's sunny presence in his life.

Mito had said to trust her, more importantly, to trust Gon. To halt thoughts about deserving, about guilt, about debts, about himself. To freeze for now his judgment. Let Gon and her do the mental math for him, at least for now, for the time being. She echoed Leorio and Kurapica's words in many ways...

It's an entire family here that are supporting you.

Mito's words echoed in his mind.

She'd used the word family.

Killua swallowed hard.

Family.

Maybe he could try.

Killua could hear the wind chime softly outside, he could hear Gon's slow breaths. They lied there, an open parenthesis. Then Killua heard the rustle of Gon turning over. Warm arms embraced him from behind, and Gon's face nuzzled against his neck.

Gon had never hugged him like this while they slept. The boy didn't seem to mind.

And so Killua didn't mind either.

"Hi" Gon whispered.

"Hi yourself" he murmured back.

He could feel the sleepy cadence of Gon's breaths now tickling against his nape and the warmth of his body against his entire back like an oven. It was strange to realise that indeed he hadn't let his guard down, he hadn't relaxed a single muscle, not even in his own bed, until now, until this exact second of letting go.

As the silence prolonged, he thought Gon had fallen asleep again. Then he heard Gon whisper.

"Take it. Your pill. Youneedtosleep" Gon voice was subdued, probably from sleep. It's as if he knew Killua hadn't slept at all.

At Killua quizzical silent surprise, he answered.

"Smell it. In your pocket" Gon shrugged, and then he nuzzled once more his head against him as if smelling him as if he was hugging his favourite plushie or pillow. "or feel it. With my Nen. Dunno. I'm weird."

"You are" Killua murmured amused, feeling of all things, slightly ticklish. He didn't know that was a possibility by now. But then again, everything with Gon was always new.

He sighed. He'd hesitated about taking the small capsule. He didn't want to think about it. If he did, the pang of fear was hidden somewhere in the recess of his mind. Where the murky black waters laid dormant. Where he'd interred the memory of Illumi's Nen embedded inside him as if hiding a corpse. The memory was about to surface, to graze his mind when Gon spoke.

"If you want, we can do the Nen thingy together" he whispered conspiratorially.

He could not tell if or how Gon sensed his hesitation. Or if maybe he was just curious. "Wanna try?" Gon asked, as he raised himself, leaning on his elbow and looking down at Killua, who'd turned to lie on his back.

Killua looked past Gon, at the wooden ceiling in Gon's room.

They were under a dome.

In Whale Island.

In Gon's room.

He was safe.

Do not think.

"Yeah. Ok"

"What do I have to do?" Gon tried to catch Killua's gaze, a spark in the warm chocolate eyes. They reflected the light and him. There was…fondness, a tenderness, something unnamed in them It soothed him.

"Does it work if I just apply Nen to your chest?".

Killua nodded. "That's pretty much it." He tried not to think of how he felt his bones melting under that gaze.

He exhaled, pushing those thoughts away, and took the pill between his fingers. And this time he took it to his mouth and swallowed it for real.

There. It was done.

"You brute. Use water next time. Poor throat" Gon elbowed him with a pout, a playful foot jabbing at his legs as well. Killua chuckled silently. Explaining how he'd been trained to swallow without water didn't cross his mind really, not when Gon's hand slowly came to rest against his chest.

Killua gently placed his hand over Gon's, where it was pressing lightly against him.

Their fingers easily interlocked.

"On the count of three?"

"Kay."

"Three, two, one" they counted together, their tone of voice implying the giggle stuck in their throats.

Then, Killua finally dared to use Nen.

He immediately could feel it. His own Nen, condensing in his hand… and then the natural layer of their Nen combining in the union of their interlocked fingers over Killua's chest. And their auras, they didn't layer as if immiscible liquids per usual. They strangely and seamlessly combined into something new. And it stole his breath. And that bundle of energy…He didn't feel it over his chest. He felt it inside his chest.

"Whoa," Gon had also silently gasped in surprise and wonder. Both hadn't realised Nen could be combined like this… It felt intimate. In a way that was dangerous and beautiful at the same time.

And Killua finally actually felt he could begin to believe it. That there was a dome over his head. That he would be ok, someday. He could feel hope digging its way in his chest, making its burrow. He could feel it right where Gon and his amalgamation of Nen became warmth and light and felt… and felt…and felt like this. This good.

Gon was staring back at him with glowing surprise and fondness. He leaned down and pressed his forehead against Killua's tenderly. Killua realised he'd hummed at that, eliciting a smile from Gon. And at their point of connection, he felt that same transformative magic happen too. With it, he could feel even more of Gon's aura encompassing him, more of his own aura draping Gon. The morning sun slowly crept through the closed curtains.

He couldn't really place or describe the intense way Gon was looking at him. His eyes harboured wonder…reverence…curiosity…and something unnamed that he felt echoed within him. Killua felt impossibly both bare and full at what that gaze seemed to entrust him with.

And then Gon inched closer until he could feel the tip of his nose against his own, his breath against his own and Killua's every thought was lulled into silence.

Gon was looking at him intently. He could see each of the golden speckles inside his iris. His gaze, he was giving him the space to move, to object, reading him with curiosity, with tenderness. Killua was doing the same. Then the hidden, silent acknowledgement that they'd both caught each other in that curious study of wonder.

Killua didn't move. It came so easy to him, to answer that gaze without hesitation, with that same tenderness.

And then gently Gon brushed his lips against Killua. Killua closed his eyes. Both held their breath for a second and held there, where their lips met. In that single point of contact, their auras entwined as well.

It lasted an eternity. It lasted a second.

He wanted more, but Gon had leaned back again into the bed- Killua catching a glimpse of his expression: vulnerable, luminous- before arms were gently embracing him from behind once more, and he was sighing sleepily against his nape. And Killua felt the warm wave of safety and surrender, all hit him strongly, and without warning in tandem with overwhelming exhaustion. They were now two semicolons fusing into a single comma, with their limbs tangled. Their hands still locked against his chest.

He finally could sleep... And before he knew it, the world had faded to black.

He slept soundly.

So soundly he woke 18 hours later.

A/N
Oh my Gosh, did I just want to make you implode with that ending? :3 :3 :3

Onto other issues-
I apologize again, from the bottom of my heart.
I have an awful schedule. Still not an excuse at all. I am painfully aware I am the kind of author I most despise which is the one that scarcely updates or gives signs of life. Blame it on life (I am doing a PhD on a very demanding University...I am on a legal case as a witness...And going to therapy is absolutely necessary and the worst at the same time), blame it on perfectionism, blame it on my laziness or on my occasional ennui. But you should know you are always the best, truly, I read all your comments, you never give up, you really convey to me you are there, I always always hear all of you little ones, I've read you on new year and on Christmas, month after month despite my silence.

I try to pour myself entirely on what I write for you, I hope it amends for my serious lack at reaching out and waiting I put you through. This time around I will say sometimes this life task I've assigned myself feels like its getting harder to complete, even if I have it all planned and oh for so long. I still have not given up at all. I just despise my rhythm.
I love you all so much.

q1: I'm in England, if someone ever wants to meet me, say hi, pm me... I wondered like what the hell, why not?

q2: A shameful reason I have lazed out is being caught by others' stories. Will you forgive me? Fandoms I've gone through this last year (2018-2019) that I cannot overcome are for now Banana Fish and Mo Dao Zu Shi (Untamed). Any suggestions for more fandoms to cause me such deep fevers as these two have, are more than welcome. Or not. They do weird things, sometimes boosting my fever to write, sometimes increasing my writer's block.

I love you, my readers. I really do.
I love when you point out the parts you like.

Thanks for sticking with me.

If anyone ever wants to create a blog for me or a Tumblr or Worldcat or something and just hand me in the password, or coach me via pm to do it, I'd love you to death? It'd be nice for you to have a platform to address your questions directly where I could reply with immediacy (like in ao3, which I'm thinking I should migrate to for real), I WOULD BE more than happy if anyone ever is inspired I just have so much to do I just never get around doing it..
I hope this was long enough.

I send all a hug.