A Case For Concern

Chapter 11

Absolution

XXX

I woke up feeling the warmth of the covers around me, and when I opened my eyes I saw glints of sunshine flitting around the room. Yawning and stretching, I glanced at the clock - then did a double take. It was after ten. Something was up, Darry never let me sleep in this late!

"Soda?" I called out, but there was no answer. "Darry?" I tried even louder, but no one called back.

I pulled off the covers and sat up, noticing the composition books on my desk. There were only two of them, but it only took a second to remember where I'd left the third one. The kitchen table. Oh flip! My stomach fell as I quickly crossed the house and found it, closed, with my pen on top, laying where I'd left it. I had no idea if they had read it, but I assumed they at least saw it. I hoped they hadn't read it. I wasn't ready for that.

I took it back to my room and stared at it. I was almost done, but the last couple of chapters had been the hardest for me. Events were blurred and memories meshed together in and out of focus. My concussion blocked a lot of it, my own personal pain hid the rest. I was still coming to grips knowing I had to live each day of the rest of my life without my best friend to talk to and hang out with. He was the type of friend you only get once in your life, and he was gone far too soon for it just to be okay. I didn't care that he had written in his letter that he was okay with it, I wasn't.

Still, I had to finish - so I trudged on, in the end letting Johnny's own words explain what I couldn't. It seemed right that he get a say in this. I could only hope Dally would be equally remembered as someone other than a tough grease- hood. He cared. He died because he cared. He cared about Johnny. I realized now, that he also cared about me. Damn.

I finished the essay. It filled three composition books and used up two pens. I looked at the finished work, wiping my eyes. I still felt like I wasn't done, even though the writing was. I knew Darry would want to read it, but I wasn't ready to let him. This was just too personal, and it was still too raw.

Looking out the window, I saw Steve and Soda fiddling with Darry's truck. It was always needing something done to it, and having one mechanic in the family... well, two- since Steve and Two-Bit were considered family by the three of us, came in handy for auto issues. I got dressed and went outside.

"Bout time you woke up. Get enough rest?" Darry was working on the porch, fixing the leaning overhang when I stepped out. Even on his day off, he still had to have hammer and nails in his hand. Same with Soda and Steve with cars. It made me smile.

"Yeah. Why'd you let me sleep so late?"

"Figured you could use it. You've been burning the midnight oil with that theme you've been working on here the last few nights. Have you finished it yet?"

I looked at him, hesitating a second. I knew if I said yes, he'd insist on proofing it. If I said no, he'd send me back in to work on it.

"Yeah. It's done. All my make up work from that week is finished, too. I'm all caught up."

He put his hammer down. "I take it you don't want me reading the theme."

"I'd rather you didn't. Not yet. I'm sure you saw it sitting on the table this morning. You probably looked at it then."

Darry gave a small nod. "I glanced at it. I can tell you put a lot of work into it. I got the feeling it's about what happened that week, isn't it?"

I nodded, looking down.

"When you're ready to talk about it, Pone, Soda and I are here. Okay, little man?"

"Yeah." I looked over at Soda and Steve again, desperate for a change of subject. "What's wrong with the truck now?"

Darry got his hammer out again. "Leak of some sort. Old thing's always got something going on with it. Besides, even if nothing was wrong with it, those two couldn't pass up a perfectly good day to get grease under their nails, now could they?"

I smiled, knowing how true that was. "No, it's in their blood."

I stood there while Darry climbed back on the ladder, but he stopped half way up. "Whacha got planned to do today, Pone?"

I looked out at the neighborhood. The leaves were starting to turn colors and the brisk coolness was refreshing. "Mind if I split for a bit, take a walk for a while?"

"Well, Two-Bit's out hanging with Kathy for the day, I dunno..." He eyed Soda, but knew that was a lost cause. Soda wasn't leaving the truck like that.

"I'll be fine, Darry. You gotta let me go sometime. I know I ain't exactly done much to earn it, but … trust me, please?" I looked at him, my fingers hitched in my back pockets. He finally nodded.

"Okay, fine. Go on. Stay on this side of town, and be home by three. Need any money?"

"No. I ain't going to the movies. Thanks though." I fingered the change in my pocket, knowing it was enough for where I was headed. I slipped out the gate and headed down the sidewalk, going the two blocks up to the bus stop.

I caught the bus in time, it was the city bus with a schedule so regular you could set your watch to it. It was about the only thing that ran on time in our side of town. The driver once told me he used to live over here, and was the only driver that would take this route. He's a nice guy, and usually let me and Johnny slide by on paying our dime to ride.

"Hey, Ponyboy. Long time, no see! Lordy, son, what did you do to your hair? And where's that friend of yours?" He looked behind me for Johnny, then looked back at my face.

"He's not coming anymore," was all I could say. I started to put my dime in the slot, but as usual, he covered the slot with his hand. I looked at him, then told him my destination. "42nd and Elm Drive." The look on his face told me he knew where I was going, he knew every road in Tulsa. Johnny and I had once quizzed him, and he never got a single street wrong.

He nodded, pushed his cap back some, then shut the door behind me. I found a seat a few rows back. Nothing more was said between us as he continued on his route. There were only a few other riders, but I was glad he didn't try to talk to me anymore. When the bus pulled up to 42nd and Elm, he pulled the bus over and turned in his seat.

"I'll be back in an hour, if you're ready to go then. Take care, Ponyboy." The door opened, and I got off.

The metal archway was one I had passed under more than a few times in the last year. West Lawn Cemetery. Mom and Dad were in section 17 by the willow tree. They had a red granite headstone that Darry pawned his high school ring to be able to buy. We each thought it looked nicer than the bone white rectangles that sat ignored on all the other graves. Once a month, Darry or Soda came out to clean up around Mom and Dad. I hadn't been able to do that yet. Still, I hadn't really come here for them.

I stopped by the office, where Ms. Grimes worked. She helped Darry a lot with getting Mom and Dad here, and I thought she would remember me.

"Ms. Grimes?"

"Yes, dear. What can I do for you?" she turned from her type writer when I came in and looked at me, trying to read my face.

"I'm looking for where Johnny Cade was buried. A few weeks ago?"

"Ponyboy! Now I remember you."

I softly smiled. The hair was throwing her off. "Yes ma'am. Johnny?"

She smiled back, and reached for her ledger. Running her finger down a few pages, she finally stopped and wrote something down. Running her finger down the page a little more, she stopped again. Then she handed me the paper.

"Johnny is in section 24, way over here.." she had a laminated map of the cemetery out and was showing me how to get there. I thanked her, and stepped back out into the sunlight. I made my way around the headstones until I found section 24, then finally found his grave. The ground was barren, except for the few leaves that had fallen. Grass would grow in the spring, but for now, it was just dirt. He had one of those awful headstones, where they engraved just his name and the dates he was born and died on it. I noticed someone else had chiseled "friend" in it too. I wondered which of our buddies had done that.

I sat down, using someone else's headstone as a backrest. For the longest time, I just stared at it, not knowing if anyone would think me nuts to be here, let alone really wanting to say things out loud to a polished rock with Johnny's name on it. I looked around, no one except those boxed up below the earth were here.

"Hey, Johnny." I felt so weird doing this, but yet it was good to finally get it out. Tears slid down my face as I thought about him, the conversations we would never have. "I'm sorry I didn't make it to your funeral. I was sort of out of it at the time." I got quiet again, not knowing what to say. Johnny understood, these were the conversations we had anyway. He could read me like a book, and me him. Now that book had reached it's last page, though. That's what hurt so bad. I wiped away the tears and took a quivering breath. "I won't forget you, Johnny. Thanks, for everything." I bent my knees and leaned my head against them, aware my cries would be heard if anyone came. Thankfully, no one did. The breeze blew through the trees and the sunlight filtered down onto the ground below. The shadow's moved after a while, and I finally mustered the energy to get up. "I got to go now, Johnny. One day, when I can, I'll get you a better headstone. No one will forget you, buddy. Ever." I started to walk away, but remembered there was something else on that paper Ms. Grimes handed to me.

Dallas Winston, Section 24, one row up. I looked at Johnny's grave, then turned back to the headstone I had been leaning on all this time. Walking around it, I read the name and smirked, an unexpected laugh escaping my side as I shook my head. Dallas Winston. He was still there for me to lean on in one way or another, even in death.

"Very funny, Dally. Don't worry, I wont let anyone forget you either."

I felt better, and headed back to the bus stop. Passing section 17, I stopped by Mom and Dad's stone and knelt down. I said nothing, just read the words engraved into the rock. We're doing the best we can, I thought, hoping in my heart they understood. I brushed off some leaves and stood up, leaning against the stone and feeling the sun - warmed granite under my hand. I knew the bus would be returning soon.

I headed out, tears long gone and my chest feeling lighter. Maybe I could get back in shape in time for track this spring, if I tried really hard. I'd have to quit smoking, that was for sure. It would be difficult, but I could do it. I knew Darry would be happier.

Once again, the driver wouldn't take my dime, so I sat in silence, waiting for the stop by my house. As we got closer, I changed my mind.

"Can you let me off up here instead?"

"Sure, Ponyboy. You doing okay, kid?"

I smiled. "Yeah, I'm doing fine. Thanks. See ya." He opened the door and I hoped out. After he drove off, I walked up the street to the lot. It took a while to find what I was looking for, I hadn't been in the lot in weeks, after all; not since the night that I fell asleep here. Even the intersection in front of it - where Dally died - didn't bother me like I thought it might. I knew he wasn't here. Once I got what I came for, I headed home.

Darry, Soda and Steve were lounging in the yard when I came up.

"See, here comes the kid, now. You can stop your worrying," Steve was saying to Soda as he got up.

I pulled back my arm and let the football fly, hitting Steve in the chest. Darry wasn't the only one who could throw a pass in our family.

"Why, you little shit!" Steve growled at me, picking up the ball and throwing it back. I caught it, and aimed my next pass at Darry, who by now was expecting it and caught it easily. A laugh came from me, one I didn't know was hiding inside. Darry signaled me to go long, and I did. He launched it like he used to, and I reached up and caught it. Things were getting back to normal again. Our new normal, with just the five of us.

Stay Gold

XXX

Calla Lilly Rose