Sorry

They were used to it now, the three of them

They were used to it now, the three of them. They were used to the slamming doors, the raised voices, insults hurled across the cockpit, guitars being thrown down the corridor, Kryten having to repair it, one of them moving out at three in the morning, all that smeg, to the point that they only noticed it when it wasn't there.

However, this had gone on too long, far, far, far too long.

Kryten, Cat and Holly had had enough. When Rimmer and Lister were at loggerheads, the three of them stayed out of the way and left them to sulk in separate rooms. The next day, things had usually subsided, or at least fallen to a dull roar, but lately they hadn't stopped. No one, not even the one's arguing, could remember for the life of them what all the arguing was about or when it had began. It could have been weeks ago, but it felt like years. Whenever it was, it hadn't stopped since it had started.

Now, Rimmer and Lister couldn't even have a conversation without it erupting into a barney. If they absolutely, positively had to speak to one another, they would do it through Cat or Kryten, just as they were doing at that moment in the cockpit.

"Kryten could you please tell Lister to launch the scouter," Rimmer said coldly.

And Lister wouldn't answer until Kryten had spoken:

"Mister Lister, Mister Rimmer says 'would you be so kind as to launch the scouter?'?"

And then Lister, from the left pilot seat replied, "Cat would you please tell Rimmer to get up off his arse and do it himself,"

"Gladly!" the Cat replied, and he spun round in the right pilot seat to face a steely looking Rimmer, "You heard him Radar-Dish-Ears, he said get up off your arse and do it yourself!"

"Holly, perhaps you'd be so kind as to jog Super Slob's memory and remind him that being as we are on low power at the mo, I cannot as I am not operating on my hard-light drive, my hologram's on minimum power,"

"Holly, perhaps you'd be as kind as to tell Rimmer to drop dead!" Lister shouted without turning around.

"Holly perhaps you'd be even kinder to remind Lister that I am immune to the insult 'drop dead' because I already have done!"

"Smeg off!" Holly retorted, "What do you think I am, some kind of insult bypass?"

"I'll tell you exactly what I think you are," Rimmer said furiously, flaring his nostrils.

"Hol, don't waste your time on 'im," Lister interrupted.

"S'alright Dave," Holly replied, "I'll just turn him off if he's gonna give me smeg,"

"Oh look, the Vindaloo Kid's got everyone on his side!" Rimmer snapped.

"Well who'd miss ya if you weren't here?" Lister retorted, "You're not exactly easy on the eyes either!"

"Oh that's rich coming from you, Gerbil Face!"

"Go to hell Rimmer!"

"As long as it's without you it would be like a holiday in the Pacific!"

"Sirs, Sirs, Sirs!" Kryten clucked, "Honestly, all this arguing, it's so paltry!"

"Engines stopped, scouter launched," Cat interrupted.

"You're both adults," The mechanoid continued, "And so you should be able to sort out your differences like adults and stop all this… gobbledygook!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes, "Look at us! This is pathetic, we're getting counselling as if we're a couple, from a sanitation droid!"

"Yeeuck!" Lister forced himself to make as disgusted a face as possible, "Us…" he said, jabbing at the buttons on the control panel, "A couple? I'd rather elope to Dullsville with me Kiniterwowe bride and 'ave an extended honeymoon in Grimsby!"

"Oh grow up David Lister," Rimmer turned to leave.

"Get a life, Arnold Judas Rimmer,"

"Is that supposed to be funny?" Rimmer enquired frostily, stopping in the doorway.

"What?" Lister asked.

"'Get a life'" Rimmer replied, "Making jokes about me being dead is not funny. It's just low-"

"I wasn't!" rejoined Lister.

Cat and Kryten, who were humbly getting ready to explore the planetoid in silence, looked at one another knowingly; here we go.

"Yes you were!" Rimmer was saying.

"No I weren't!" Lister protested, "I just forgot!"

"What, doesn't the 'H' remind you!?" Rimmer glared, prodding his forehead.

"Yeah," Lister snapped back, "It reminds me all right. It reminds me what I really think. It reminds me that you're a total git,"

Ooops.

That had come out a lot more maliciously then intended.

Rimmer looked hurt.

There was a pause.

A pause so silent a pin could have been heard dropping.

Plink…

"So that's what you really think is it?" Rimmer said quietly, "Thanks Lister. Thanks a lot." he left the cockpit.

Lister looked at the floor.

"Right," Holly piped up, "Now that I can get a word in edgeways, I'll tell you the news; we can't go outside yet cos we got a dust storm. Probably gonna last a good few hours,"

To Be Continued…