Crack Whims

By: firefly

Note: I've had this drabble on my computer for a while, and decided to finish and post it out of nostalgia. :) Future updates are uncertain, but I still read and appreciate every review and PM I get. You guys are wonderful.

Characters: Akatsuki

Prompt: Team building

It was a beautiful, sunny day in the local park.

Children ran around the jungle gym, laughing and playing; old couples walked through the gardens, hand in hand; young mothers sat on benches with their babies, chatting away; and the Akatsuki stood in the middle of the field, waiting for Pain to explain why he'd brought them here.

The grass rustled with every step, bowing beneath Pain's feet as he slowly paced back and forth. The members of his group stood in rigid formation, waiting for him to speak.

The gravitas of the situation was a little undermined by the sight of children tossing Frisbees and water balloons in the background. Kisame felt one hit his butt and tried not to grimace.

At last, Pain slowed to a stop next to Konan and turned to face them. "You are all probably wondering why I've brought you here. The answer is simple: the team dynamics in this organization are abysmal."

Without waiting for a response, he started pacing again, his Rinnegan pausing at each nervous face. "I have tried to address this before in our meetings. But words, it seems, do not reach you. So the time has come for something drastic, something that will put an end to your bickering, insubordination, and general incompetence as team members."

With that, he turned his head to look over his shoulder. "Konan?"

She came forward, holding a large box that she placed on the ground in front of them. They watched, tense, as she slowly and carefully opened it. Hidan gripped his scythe and took a step back. Deidara held a clay bird in preparation to escape.

Konan reached inside, then pulled the contents out in a flourish. They all flinched, ready to run for their lives when the item billowed and settled gently over the crook of her arm.

"A uniform?" Kisame said, sounding bemused. "Are we changing the dress code?"

At the same moment, Zetsu came forward with an armful of bats and mitts, and they only had to take one look to realize what it meant.

"Baseball?" Deidara said incredulously. "You're making us play baseball?"

"It's beautiful!" Tobi gushed, ecstatic when Konan handed him his personalized uniform. It was made out of the same sleek, black material as their cloaks, with their names embroidered on the back in red and white felt. The front was emblazoned with a miniature red cloud, and so were the black caps she handed out next.

Kakuzu smacked his forehead, groaning at the thought of how much money went into this. Itachi wordlessly took the uniform and disappeared behind the bushes to go change.

"I suggest you all follow Itachi's example," Pain said. "We begin in five minutes."

"But I don't even know how to play baseball," Hidan whined.

Pain gave him a look and the Jashinist immediately shut up. After a few minutes, they all stood before Pain and Konan in their new uniforms. Tobi looked beside himself with glee and ran up and down the line complimenting everyone.

"Deidara-senpai, you look so cool! Itachi-san, you look so dashing! Zetsu-san, you—how did you manage to fit into yours?"

"Tobi," Pain said flatly.

Tobi scrambled back to his place.

"I have chosen baseball," Pain said, "as a way to develop your cooperative skills. There will be no score system. There are no teams. You will guide each other, and learn to function as a cohesive unit. That is all."

"Sir?" Tobi said with his hand in the air. "Are you and Konan-san playing?"

"Konan and I function optimally as teammates," Pain said shortly. "There is no need for us to get involved. Zetsu will take the role of back-catcher as he works alone. The rest of you must participate as I indicated. Any questions?"

They had plenty of questions, the least of which was why the hell they were doing this when they were supposed to be hunting jinchuuriki. But because no one had a death wish, they stayed silent.

"Very well. Tobi, clear the field," Pain ordered.

Tobi saluted in earnest. "Right away, sir!"

He turned and took off into the middle of the baseball diamond, waving his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs. The kids dropped their equipment and fled in terror.

"The rest of you," Konan said, "work out your positions and play to your strengths. We will be observing."

Then she turned and left to join Pain over by the bleachers.

"This is so stupid," Deidara muttered, looking distastefully at the mitt in his hands. "Sports are for philistines, un."

"It could be worse," Kisame said, actually seeming a little enthused. "We never get a chance to relax like this."

"Enough talk. How is this supposed to work?" Kakuzu demanded.

Itachi looked between them, counting. "We take turns batting, and switch positions periodically."

"That seems fair," Kisame said, handing a bat to Deidara first. "I'll pitch. Kakuzu takes first base. Itachi takes second. Hidan takes third. And Tobi, you're in the outfield."

That seemed agreeable enough. They all walked off to their assigned positions while Kisame took his place at the pitcher's mound and Deidara moved to stand in front of Zetsu.

"Ready?" Kisame asked.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Throw it already."

Kisame grinned, wound up the ball, and pitched hard. Deidara wasn't expecting such a fastball and swung a moment too late, missing it completely.

"Strike one," Zetsu said with a wince, shaking his hand before throwing the ball back to Kisame.

"That was outside," Deidara muttered, raising the bat up by his shoulder again. "Throw it properly this time."

Kisame's grin only widened. "If you say so."

The second pitch was just as fast as the first, and Deidara missed it again.

"Seriously, Deidara-chan?" Hidan drawled. "How do you bomb a target if you can't hit a ball with a fucking stick?"

"Shut up," Deidara snapped. He glared at Kisame and raised the bat again, his mechanical eye zooming in on the other man's movements. "Throw it!"

Kisame did, and this time Deidara was ready. He grunted in effort as he swung the bat as hard as he could. It connected with a solid thwack, sending the ball sailing high into the sky. Unfortunately, the mouths in Deidara's hands had slathered the handle with saliva, and as soon as the ball made contact, the bat slipped and spun wildly out of his hands.

Kisame gasped and dove out of its way. The bat veered overhead and struck Kakuzu, connecting soundly with his bad knee. Kakuzu swore and fell to the ground, holding his leg.

Deidara was already running for third base when Kisame snagged the ball off the ground and flung it at Hidan.

"Hidan, catch the ball!"

The Jashinist looked up from where he was examining his nails, blinking as he noticed Deidara barrelling towards his base. The ball hit him in the chest and he fumbled to catch it as Deidara skidded to a halt in front of him.

As the blond made to turn and run away, Kisame bellowed out again.

"Tag him, Hidan!"

Hidan looked between the ball and his target, realizing he would never be able to catch Deidara if he got a running start. So before Deidara could take off running, Hidan put every ounce of strength into lunging forward and tackled him to the ground.

Being the shortest member in the organization and subsequently a lightweight, Deidara went flying and nearly had a hernia beneath the force of Hidan's weight crushing him into the dirt.

"Ooh…" the others groaned simultaneously, wincing as a cloud of dust blew up from the takedown.

Hidan clambered off of him a moment later, looking triumphant as Deidara uttered a hoarse curse and rolled onto his side.

"Ha! Who owns you, bitch?"

"Hidan, this is baseball, not football," Pain said from the bleachers. "You are not supposed to tackle the hitter."

"Oh," Hidan said, looking sheepish.

He reached down to where Deidara was rolling around in the dirt and hauled him to his feet. Deidara wobbled where he stood, coughing, and Kisame looked questioningly over at the leader.

"Walk it off," Pain said.

Kisame looked uncertain. "Sir, he's coughing up blood."

Pain slowly turned to look at him. "I said, walk it off."

Kisame hurried to resume his position and Deidara staggered to first base, switching places with Kakuzu. The Falls nin resentfully took up the bat and stood there as Kisame wound up the pitch. The first pitch went straight into Zetsu's mitt as Kakuzu didn't even bother swinging.

When the same thing happened with the second pitch, Kisame paused in bewilderment. "Why aren't you swinging?"

Kakuzu glared. "I have arthritis."

"Bullshit," Hidan said. "That son of a bitch doesn't even have joints. He's full of strings."

"Kakuzu-san, you must participate," Konan said with a frown.

Kakuzu looked irritated. "If this 'activity' is supposed to improve team morale, then my infirmities should be taken into account."

Everyone stared at him, surprised he had the gall to argue with Pain and Konan like this. But Pain didn't seem too bothered with Kakuzu's petulance and stroked his chin.

"Very well," Pain said after a moment. "Since there is no real compensation for your physical condition, perhaps a raise in salary can act as an incentive."

Kakuzu stared at him. "A…raise?"

"Yes, a substantial one," Pain continued, "if you show real effort this time. Manage a homerun, and there will be extra vacation time, as well."

A dark glint appeared in Kakuzu's eyes. "All right, then."

As Kisame readied the final pitch, the rest of them couldn't help but feel a deep sense of foreboding. But even as they braced themselves, nobody was fully prepared for what came next.

Kisame threw the ball and Kakuzu hit it, knocking it high into the sky. Then still holding the bat, he took off running for first base.

Kisame took a few leisurely steps back with his mitt facing the sky, about to catch the fly-ball when an iron fist slammed into his gut. He dropped to his knees and collapsed face-first into the dirt, the ball hitting him on the back of the head.

"I got it!" Deidara called as he made a run for the ball, only to be violently jerked back when Kakuzu seized his ponytail and yanked. The blond yelped and hit the ground, landing flat on his back.

As Kisame struggled to stand, Itachi went for the ball next, almost reaching it when Kakuzu's strings pulled the cap down over his eyes. Itachi fumbled past it and collided into Kisame, knocking them both to the ground.

At third base, Hidan finally managed to grab the ball and ran to tag his partner when a cord of black string ensnared his ankle. "What the fuck, Kakuzu?!"

Kakuzu tossed him like a rag doll, throwing him twenty feet away in a ditch.

Tobi ran away screaming when Kakuzu chased after him, swinging the bat at his head.

Konan and Pain exchanged looks. "Perhaps money isn't a good incentive."

Kakuzu ended up getting his homerun, but only at the expense of everyone else. Deidara nursed his sore scalp, wincing; Itachi and Kisame rubbed the identical bumps on their heads; Tobi whimpered in the corner, traumatized; and Hidan yanked out the branch impaled in his chest.

"Your turn," Kakuzu said smugly, handing the bat off to Hidan. Hidan uttered a curse and moved to swing the bat at his partner's shin until Konan cleared her throat from the bleachers.

Holding his wound and muttering epithets, Hidan dragged himself to home plate. He found the ball and tossed it to Kisame before half-heartedly raising the bat.

Kisame caught the ball, then immediately dropped it when he noticed it was drenched in blood. "What the hell, Hidan? Couldn't you have wiped your hands first?"

"Fuck you," came the response.

Kisame wiped his hands on his pants and looked around. "We need a new ball."

"Here," Deidara said, tossing him one and smirking.

Kisame caught it and turned back to Hidan. This time, his first pitch was enough.

Imagining that he was aiming for Kakuzu's head, Hidan swung the bat with surprising force and nearly knocked it out of the park.

"I got it, I got it!" Tobi cried, running forward with his arms outstretched. An instant later, it exploded with a loud crack, vaporizing in the air and covering Tobi's mask in soot. Bewildered and oblivious to the fact that his hair was on fire, Tobi peered into his glove before glancing aimlessly around for the ball.

"I could've sworn I caught it…"

"Deidara, no tampering with the ball," Pain said, giving him a disapproving look.

"Screw this," Hidan said, throwing the bat aside. "That counts as a homerun."

Kisame shrugged and went to bat next, and Itachi took his place at the pitcher's mound.

Despite the absurdity of the whole situation, the Uchiha cut an impressive figure in his uniform. He stood in position with all the confidence and grace of a professional, and the others couldn't help but look on in interest to see what he could do.

Itachi threw the ball.

They watched blankly as it sailed clear over Kisame's head and the fence behind him. It landed in the middle of the pedestrian-crowded sidewalk, hitting an old lady on the back of her head and knocking out her false teeth.

There was a moment of silence. Then Hidan strode over to Itachi and raised his hand. "How many fingers?"

Itachi blinked. "What fingers?"

Hidan gave him an incredulous look before glancing back at the others. "This guy's blind as shit."

"This is a perfect example of where you should be helping him," Konan pointed out. "This is a team-building exercise, after all."

Grumbling, Hidan took the mitt from Itachi and looked over at Kisame. "What do we do?"

"Let Itachi bat," Kisame suggested. "I'd rather pitch, anyway."

"That doesn't make a difference. How is he supposed to see the ball coming?" Deidara asked dryly.

Hidan looked around until he spotted Tobi collecting dandelions in the outfield. "Hey, Swirl-face! Get your ass over here!"

Tobi straightened and ran over, looking eager to have a different position.

"Stand there," Hidan said, pointing next to home plate where Itachi stood. "When the ball comes, tell him when to swing."

"No problem, Hidan-san!"

Hidan left the baseball diamond, then, taking Tobi's place in the outfield. When Kisame saw he was in position, he tossed the ball in the air and caught it, looking over to where Itachi and Tobi stood.

"You ready?"

"I'm ready!" Tobi exclaimed. "Are you ready, Itachi-san?"

Itachi didn't answer. He only brought the bat up near his shoulder in preparation. The sun beamed directly down on him, heightening his intense look of concentration. His dignity was on the line. He would swing as soon as Tobi gave him the signal.

Tobi blinked when he suddenly noticed something shiny on the ground. "Ooh, a quarter..."

Kisame wound up the ball and threw it. At the exact same instant, Tobi straightened and held up his hand. "Look, everyone! I found a—"

THWACK.

There was a collective gasp when Itachi swung the bat—and slammed it directly into Tobi's head. The masked ninja collapsed in a heap.

Konan covered her mouth and Pain blinked. The others gaped as the dust settled and revealed Tobi lying facedown in the dirt, motionless.

Deidara broke the silence first. "Holy shit. I think Itachi killed him."

Itachi glanced down at Tobi's body, nudging him with the end of the bat before looking up expressionlessly. "Does that count as a hit?"

"No," Pain deadpanned. "This game is over."

"But Tobi didn't get a chance to bat," Zetsu said.

"Tobi is out of commission. We're leaving."

Konan glanced at Pain as he walked ahead and moved to join him as the others scrambled to pack up and follow. It was clear to her with one look that her partner was disappointed in his group's performance.

"Do not give it much thought," she said. "They have proven their worth in other ways."

"They played baseball," Pain said flatly, "and I counted seven cases of attempted murder. Seven."

"They are still alive, aren't they? And perhaps they are not meant for conventional teamwork."

Pain gave her a questioning glance. A small smirk appeared on Konan's lips as she looked back at them. "They seem to work best in functional chaos."

Pain mulled over her words for a moment. Then he followed her gaze to where the rest of his group trailed behind like a line of squabbling ducklings.

"Deidara, you're footing the bill for my next physiotherapy appointment."

Deidara threw Kakuzu a glare. "Hey, you almost scalped me! Besides, if Kisame didn't take so long to pitch properly, my hands wouldn't have slobbered all over the bat, un."

Kisame frowned. "I was the only competent pitcher on the team, Deidara."

"Forget that!" Hidan interjected. "Kakuzu, where the fuck do you get off trying to murder us for a pay raise? What the hell was that, you shithead?"

"Oww, my head…" Tobi groaned, coming to and looking around in confusion. "Zetsu-san, why are you carrying me? What happened?"

"Itachi happened. Don't try to move."

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Some doujutsu. Can't even see two feet in front of his face."

"I don't understand," Tobi said, touching his head and wincing. He looked at the silent Uchiha walking next to him. "What happened, Itachi-san?"

Itachi bowed his head and tugged his cap lower. "The sun was in my eyes."

The arguing continued, carrying faintly back to Pain as he lead them back to headquarters. Despite his expressionless face, Konan seemed to know what he was thinking and aimed a knowing smile in his direction.

Pain felt it and lowered his face beneath his collar.

"Functional chaos, huh..." his lips quirked behind the fabric. "Yes. I suppose you could call it that."