Disclaimer: Don't own anything, never will.
Warning: Spoilers for endgame, of course. You shouldn't be reading this if you haven't beaten the game. anyway, I guess. A sadly smutfree chapter. Poo. Someone write more balxvaan smut!
Shattered Like Sand
Thought of You
So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one who knows
Rabanastre is busy as usual with eager citizen's hustling about, grabbing supplies and hurriedly getting back to their homes. There's a nasty sandstorm brewing in the westersands, threatening the city and causing a fierce shutdown of activities and shops alike.
Vaan has been recruited by Penelo in helping with deliveries for Migelo. He scowls, lugging the heavy box to the local item shop, getting practically devoured by frantic people.
"This is ridiculous," he mutters to himself, strategically opening the store's door before quickly slipping inside. The small girl that's working the register has enough time to point to the drop off box and haggardly smile between customers. Vaan nods and runs out, thankful to be finally done for the day. He whistles to himself, hands thrust into his pockets on the way to Lowtown.
He reaches the home he's shared with Penelo since Reks's death, gingerly opening the door and frowning at the fact that it wasn't locked. Penelo can hold her own, sure, but they do have some valuable's from that crazy adventure worth protecting. Specifically, the Strahl's flying documents. If they lost those, they basically lost everything.
"Penelo! I'm done. You wouldn't believe the –"
Vaan stops, voice caught in throat. Sitting in the tiny kitchen drinking tea with his roommate is a man he knows too well.
Brandy colored eyes flick up from the cup, boring into his. There is a grin, just a hint of perfect teeth.
A dead man's smile.
Balthier.
-
It had been two months.
Vaan isn't sure. About anything anymore.
Everyone has separated and returned to their respective homes, and Penelo has remained with him, rather than accepting Larsa's frequent offers of visitation.
He avoids the aerodrome like it's containing a plague of sorts. No one but Penelo understands his fear. She knows what he's lost, and the last remnant is anchored in there, empty and without use and holding memories that bring too much pain to the surface.
He sees shadows in the dark, in the daytime. Always. It's as if he is haunting him, the mist on the back of his neck, the tug on his heels. Vaan is slowly going insane.
-
Five months have trickled by.
No word, no bodies.
Just nothingness.
Somehow Vaan drifts back into normalcy, hunting when he needs spare change and helping out Penelo with the shop. He feels bad, knowing her wants and needs are not being met.
Larsa writes her constantly, and each time Vaan thinks there is more distance pulling them apart. It's empty, their relationship, but she refuses to leave him. Vaan thinks he's a coward, keeping her glued to him because he doesn't want to be alone, and too afraid she will forget him if she did leave.
He tries to block the world out. It doesn't do much good.
The nights are long, and not without their own problems.
Nightmares plague his dreams. Disrupting his sleep and giving him sweats in the middle of the night. His screams wake Penelo frequently, and she consoles him, lets him latch onto her like a sick child.
He doesn't cry.
The tears have abandoned him.
-
By the ninth month, Vaan forgets.
He takes those memories and buries them deep within himself. It's the only thing he can do to return to normal, to live a functional life.
He stops by the Sandsea enough to know there's a brunette with a crooked smile and a nice soft voice. They talk sometimes and sometimes there is only touch. It's enough to get Vaan through the days. The boy is older than he is and thinner, has some odd habits but that's okay.
They fuck in his room in Lowtown, because that's where the boy is from and that's fine with Vaan. He doesn't want anything personal to come out of this. He always makes sure Penelo's at work or out, and it's quick and dirty, and doesn't make Vaan feel any fuller.
Just empty.
Always empty, searching.
The grief still swallows him up and chains around his heart.
He lies awake and touches the only thing besides the airship that's left. Its color has changed, from the purest white to a tint of sandy beige, but the handkerchief is Vaan's favorite possession when he is lone. It resides under his pillow, safely tucked away from the world.
He stops contact with the boy, and busies himself with more hunts, more time outside of the city.
-
It's been a year or so since he's seen those damnable eyes and that mischievous smile and those noisy earrings and that face.
And it's almost more than he can bear.
Penelo gets up and slowly approaches, catches his arm and tries to smile, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.
"He got here this morning."
The words are dull and don't register, not when all Vaan can focus on is it's him it's him it's him.
There is an unmistakable lazy drawl. "What's the matter, Vaan, cat got your tongue?"
Vaan walks, stumbles, stops.
His voice is rusty, throat dry and scratchy like sand is weighting him down.
"You're… you're dead."
"Pleasantly not, thank you."
Then, anger, blindingly so, and all Vaan sees is redredred, and he throws something, anything, and Balthier is quick to dodge, jumping at his waist and dragging him down. Vaan is hissing like a cat and clawing at Balthier's skin, trying to tear it off. Balthier is still strong, still devilish, even for a dead man. He pins Vaan down against the grimy floor, his eyes expressing pain while his face is like stone.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry! You're sorry!" Vaan roars, his hands still beating down on the other man's back, his voice loud and booming and ringing throughout the small home. "I thought you were dead, I waited and waited and you NEVER came back! I thought you loved me, cared, shit something and you're, gods, you're SORRY?"
Penelo gasps softly, trying to stay out of the struggling men's way while watching the even unfold, but they have forgotten she is there anyway. Balthier slowly lowers his head, his lips too close to Vaan's neck to be considered simply a friendly gesture.
"You misunderstand. It was not my intentions to be away from you for so long. You must realize I am a wanted man ,that commandeering an airship is not exactly an easy feet for two people, skypirates or not. And most of all, Vaan, that I unconditionally missed you and did everything in my power to crawl my way back to you." Balthier frowns, narrowing his eyes. "And to think this is the welcoming I receive. I had hoped for a parade or at least you naked in some way, but alas I am abused."
Vaan glares, though it is lessened in effect as his hair falls into his face. "I'm so sorry, your Excellency. Let me get right on that."
"Brat."
There is silence.
And then, all at once, it's like a dam breaking and the water flooding through. Balthier's hand goes through Vaan's white blond hair and Vaan's fingers squeeze the pirate shoulders. Their mouths meet, viciously battling and moving passionately against one another. Hungry and so ready to fulfill.
Penelo backs away, quietly shutting the door and letting the two men reacquaint.
She smiles to herself, intent to find a piece of parchment and a pen.
There is a letter to be written.
-
You know I haven't slept in weeks
You're the only thing I see
I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop I start
But I'll be true to you
-
END
Oh man. This is kinda sad. Definitely my favorite fanfic I've written. I like the way it's turned out, even though it took me damn near forever to finish. I kept getting conflicted on a lot of things, such as the ending. I didn't want it to be too sappy, and ignored canon pretty well, but I hope it turned out okay. Thanks for sticking with me!
song lyrics credited to Lykke Li and Anya Marina.