The Turmoil Within

Dawn Breaking: John

I had known when I asked Carson to help me to bed that this would be a long night, filled with demons both real and imagined, because the night belonged to the Wraith. I had noted that tactically, the Wraith preferred to attack in darkness. Not that they wouldn't come any time they felt a little peckish, but... most humans have an instinctual fear of the darkness, which simply made it that much easier for the creatures to project their 'phantoms'. That was my theory, anyway, even if McKay constantly belittled the unscientific way I'd come up with it given that it would be hard to test.

I just wished this particular Wraith would leave me alone.

I'd been having two nightmares all night, over and over, both equally disturbing and featuring my prison buddy. One was the feedings, never ending, with Kolya laughing in the background. That would only end when I woke in flight or fight mode, heart pounding, hands clutching my chest over the bandage. It was ugly, but I had expected it. The other, though, that was a different story. It was that one that had me desperately fighting to stay awake, afraid to close my eyes and be forced to live through it again. In it, the Wraith bent over me as I lay on that forest floor, begging him to kill me, and he returns my life to me. In the process, though, he turns me into a Wraith as well, letting me loose on my arriving friends. Even as I woke each time gasping from that one, forcing myself to focus on whoever was with me at the moment, I could hear his deep, raspy voice calling to me.

"Brother..."

I forced my eyes open again, sternly reminding myself that I was human, 100 John Sheppard, and home, safe on Atlantis, just as a large shape loomed out of the shadows.

"Noo!"

I screamed hoarsely, voice already raw from too many terrors, and fought to make a sluggish, sore body obey my will, to get away, or at least put up some sort of struggle. I would not, could not, be like them, be one of them. We were nothing alike! My skin would not turn blue-green and I would not give in to the urges to attack my friends! I would die first!

"Sheppard. You're safe. We're on Atlantis."

A deep voice, but not his. The Wraith dissolved into Ronon as the large man moved into the light and I leaned forward, hands covering my face. I was loosing it, could no longer tell when I was asleep or awake and it scared the hell out of me. Finally, I let myself fall back against the pillows, meeting the concerned gaze of my team mate.

"Sorry."

A dismissive shrug. I was past the point of exhaustion, I knew that, and probably looked as bad as I felt. Too bad that damned alien vampire wanna-be couldn't have taken the nightmares and cumulative effects of stress, sleeplessness, and trauma while he was at it. This sucked. I knew I just needed time and rest, but until my body was to the point where I passed out, I doubted I'd be getting any without the lovely late, late horror show. Hence the fact that I had sent Carson to find Elizabeth, hoping for some company besides the taciturn Satedan and the Scottish doc who dozed off after every other word.

Blurrily, I forced myself back up into a seated position, accepting the cup of juice Ronon pressed on me. What time was it, anyway? Where had Carson put the... There it was, on the bedside table, a big digital clock, easy to read even for someone half asleep or doped to the gills with pain killers. 0443. I groaned, dropping my head back against the pillow again just as Elizabeth and Carson came through the door. I saw the identical looks of alarm cross their faces at my moaning grimace, making them hurry to my side.

"Colonel?" "John? What's wrong?"

"I'm fine, just marveling at my own stupidity. I had no idea it was so early in the morning, Elizabeth. I'm sorry."

She relaxed at my words, eyes narrowing and a rueful smile appearing. "Don't worry about it, I wasn't asleep. Besides, I remember waking you up not that long ago because I was the one having nightmares. So... I heard you requested my company."

I gave her a fleeting smile of my own. "Wanted to give you some practice at that bedside manner." That got a wince in reply, though I wasn't quite sure why. Abruptly, I sobered. "Seriously, though, I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Rolling my head on the pillow, I included Carson and Ronon in that statement, briefly meeting their shocked eyes before turning back to Elizabeth. Who was staring at me with a mixture of disbelief and horror on her face, starting to meld into anger. I had been fairly certain she wouldn't like me apologizing, but this wasn't exactly what I had expected. I couldn't help it, though, since my blood boiled with shame and anger at what my friends had been forced to witness. Kolya would pay dearly the next time we met. A firm hand on my arm brought me attention back to the small infirmary room and I was a little shocked myself to see the anger in Elizabeth's eyes. Directed at me.

"Don't you dare, John Sheppard! Don't you dare believe any of this was in any way your fault! I was the one coming here intending to apologize to you!"

My heart clenched as I saw a tear slide down the face of this incredibly strong, capable leader. Did she really believe that this was her fault? Wearily, I scrubbed a hand over gritty eyes, mentally kicking myself. I had been so focused on myself that I failed to consider how badly Elizabeth would feel. She had sat in her office enough times second guessing herself until Carson or I came and forced her out for me to know it was coming. Dumb, John, really dumb.

"Elizabeth, you never should have been put in that position."

"I agree." Her voice was so soft I almost wasn't sure she'd said anything. "But you didn't put me there, Kolya did."

"Exactly, so why are you apologizing?"

I met her gaze square on, knowing that neither one of us was really ready to let go of the guilt, we were too much alike in that regard, but maybe this was a first step. Not that it really made me feel any better. The whole mess never should have happened in the first place. Wouldn't have, if I'd taken care of the problem in true cold-blooded military style back in that underground chamber of the Brotherhood's. Never leave a known enemy free to cause more harm. No doubt I'd be hearing from Caldwell on that one in regards to both Kolya and the Wraith, which would just serve to cap off the whole crappy incident.

The only bright spot in the entire thing was that it had been me Kolya captured and not Rodney. The very thought of the Wraith feeding on my brilliant friend had me reaching for the pastel colored basin hospital rooms always seem to have. The juice Ronon had forced down me bit the back of my throat with acidity as I hunched forward on the bed, heaving. I could feel hands supporting me, rubbing gentle, soothing circles on my back, but my mind was filled with the Wraith sucking my friends into mummies one by one, wearing the face of Acustus Kolya.

After what felt like hours, the gagging stopped, leaving me to slump back, head swimming, sweat pouring down my face. Everyone was safe, I knew that. Teyla was hopefully in her quarters, asleep, Carson, Ronon and Elizabeth were right beside me, and if I opened my eyes, I'd see Rodney asleep in the bed right outside my door. Kolya wouldn't, couldn't, get at them here. Atlantis was safe.

That was the certainty that had lent me strength to keep going in that dark cell, after all, when the pain and the fear threatened to overwhelm my last barriers. It was also what allowed me to be at peace with the death I came face to face with so many times on that miserable hunk of rock. Even had the Wraith taken what was left as I lay there on that forest floor, my city, all my people, were safe. I had fulfilled the duty I swore myself to the moment I decided to mercifully end Sumner's life.

A cool cloth ran over my face, feeling so good that I wanted one large enough for my entire body. I was just so hot... A small, rounded pressure in my ear followed by a soft beep told me I wasn't the only one who had noticed my discomfort.

"Carson?"

Elizabeth inquired from somewhere near my head, and I decided it had to be her with the cloth. Certainly couldn't be a nurse since Carson had been keeping them away from me. He knew, thank goodness, that I wasn't exactly in the most coherent state right now, which could lead me to react dangerously to a strange presence. Someone trained to kill operating on battle reflexes and suffering from flashbacks and nightmares was never an easy situation. I could seriously harm an innocent before ever realizing that they weren't a Genii.

"Just a low grade fever, love. Not unexpected with everything John's been through."

As Carson spoke, I focused once again on Atlantis' leader, noting the lingering traces of guilt still there. Yep, way too much alike, I just tended to bury my angst deeper. Just then, she glanced at me and flushed, obviously embarrassed by my catching her with her worries so plain to see.

"You did what you had to do, you know."

She grimaced. "I sacrificed your life, John. I sat there and let him torture you when I could have stopped it."

I sighed, accepting a cup of ice water from Carson with a slightly shaky hand. While not stopping the conversation, I noted that he seemed to be watching my reactions rather closely and nodded solemnly to let him know I was still doing okay. Several sips gave my tired mind time to come up with an answer I hoped she would be unable to refute.

"Even if you had given Ladon to Kolya, what makes you think the bastard would have let me go? The man's not exactly known for keeping his word."

Her head dropped, hands clutching the rails of my bed. "I know. I just..."

She trailed off, apparently thinking better of whatever she was about to say. I could think of half a dozen endings to that sentence, and none of them were anything I wanted to hear. Gaze wandering, I lighted on the clock again, noting that it was almost 0515 now. Sunrise. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to feel it on my face, know I was alive and with my family, just as the Wraith had craved the sight of the stars. He was a creature of the night, but I needed the day to chase away the shadows. Slowly, I rested a shaky hand on hers.

"Elizabeth, take me out to one of the East balconies. Please? I want to see the sun rise over the ocean. Carson?"

I looked imploringly at both of them, not above pleading for this one, since I knew I'd never make it on my own. I just... I needed to know that the long night was finally over.

The sympathetic eyes of my doctor reassured me that he understood. Without a word, he patted my arm and disappeared, returning a minute later with a wheelchair and several blankets.

"It can't be too long, son. Its a mite bit chilly out this morning and your immune system isn't too strong right now."

I just nodded, allowing Elizabeth and Ronon to help me up and settle me in the chair, where Carson proceeded to wrap me snuggly with the warm blankets. For once, I didn't object to the fussing. I snagged Elizabeth's hand when she would have stayed in the room with Ronon, pulling her along with. If my exhausted brain was functioning on any level and I remembered correctly, I wanted her with Carson and I. It was time to face the horrors when the sun could burn away the dark. Minutes later I was pushed out onto the balcony I had directed Carson to, not surprised to see it already occupied by a slender form with coffee in hand. I had seen her out here too many times on my morning runs not to have noted down the routine. Kate turned at the sound of the door sliding open, surprise turning to understanding as she noted who was there.

"I'll leave you three to enjoy the sunrise." She started to walk past me, patting my hand, when I caught her wrist.

"No, Kate, stay for a bit, please."

I saw the surprise in her eyes and just smiled. As the dawn broke in brilliant pinks and oranges, I shut my eyes, feeling the first rays warming my face.

"We were ambushed about two klicks from the gate..."

The end