CHEERS

(Diane walks in, takes off her coat. She beams a brilliant smile on the denizens of bar.)

Diane: Hello everyone!

(They barely acknowledge her existence, except for Coach, who waves and says "Hi honey," and Sam, who in three quick strides is at the other side of the bar. She practically runs to him. They hang over their respective sides of the bar, smooching with abandon.)

(They finally break away but remain mere inches from each other.)

Sam: Didn't I see you on the train this morning?

Diane: The train, Sam?

Sam: The train to paradise?

(Diane giggles and they get lost in each other's eyes some more.)

As I recall we got off at the same time?

(Diane sighs heavily and reluctantly moves away. She coquettishly walks around the back of the bar, keeping her eyes on Sam.)

(She's so distracted she almost trips.)

Diane: I'll - uh - I'll be right back.

Sam: Hurry!

(Sam keeps his eyes glued on her until she disappears into the bathroom. With a big grin plastered to his face, he struts over to Cliff and Norm at the end of the bar.)

Norm: Sam-mee. You and Diane still going strong, eh?

Sam: Looks like.

Cliff: I have to say, big guy. Never thought I'd see the day. How long's it been now?

Sam: (getting all manly again) Oh, I don't know. I'm not good at keeping track of stuff like that.

Carla: (practically spitting) It's been three weeks, two days, five hours, and (looks at her watch) 23 minutes. Oh, and 14 seconds. All the worst of my life!

Sam: (dryly) Gee, thanks, Carla. Be sure to let me know when it's our month anniversary - it'll make me look really good to remember that.

Carla: Blech!

(Diane comes back out. Sam hurries around the bar and heads towards his office.)

Sam: (crooking his finger) Oh, Diane? Can I see you for a minute?

Diane: (coyly) Something wrong, Sam?

Sam: Yes, there's something in my office that needs adjusting.

(She rolls her eyes knowingly.)

Diane: But I just put on my lipstick. Won't adjusting this thing make me look like a mess?

Sam: (he walks over, takes her by the elbow and steers her away) I'm counting on it.

(They head into his office.)

Norm: Can you believe that?

(The other regulars start gathering around.)

Paul: He's a goner.

Cliff: If you ask me, that man is head over heels.

Carla: Oh, knock it off, you saps! She just played harder to get than all the rest. It took him a year to get into those grandma panties and now that he's there, he's going to stay a bit longer than usual. But this thing isn't going to last. I know my Sammy. (clutching her hands together) He'll come back to me soon!

Cliff: I don't know, Carla. I think you're off base on this one.

Norm: Yep, seems like the real thing to me.

Carla: No way. And I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is, what about you yappers?

Paul: You want to bet on this, Carla?

Carla: Scared?

Paul: No way, I'm in.

Norm: All right, if we're going to do this, let's do it right. Coach, hand me some paper and a pen.

Coach: You got it, Normie.

(Norm begins writing. More people from the bar wander over.)

Norm: Okay, pointspread. Starting from today. Carla?

Carla: I say they don't make it another month.

Norm: All right, up to a month from now. Anyone else?

(Several people raise their hands. Norm writes down their names.)

Norm: Next category - mid-range. One to three. Who wants that?

Paul: I'll take that.

Cliff: Put me down for that one too.

Norm: All right, long-ish term - three to six. Anyone?

(Two people raise their hands.)

That's my wager.

Cliff: Nahmie, you big softie.

Norm: I say even if Sam wants out, it'll take him months to do it.

Cliff: Dang, I hadn't thought of that.

Norm: Too late. Bet's made!

Coach: All right, I want in on this.

Norm: Really, Coach? You don't think they're gonna make it either?

Coach: Are you kidding, Normie? Those two kids are going to get married. They're going to die in each other's arms. Why, I saw them in here the other night, sitting at a back table, gazing into each other's eyes. They were so in love they were singing to each other!

Cliff: Ah, Coach, I'm sure we would have noticed that. I don't think that happened.

Coach: Well, I'm sure I saw it. I even served them our best bottle of champagne.

Carla: Served them? Coach, are you talking about that couple who'd just gotten engaged?

Coach: Yes, Carla, who else would I be talking about?

Carla: Coach, this bet is on Sam and Diane!

Coach: Oh. Then I give it a week.

Norm: All right, anyone for more than six months? Up to a year?

(Everyone is silent.)

Come on. Long shot. You'll really cash in.

Diane: Put me down for that one, Norman.

(Everyone whips around. Somehow Diane has sneaked up behind them. Norm slowly tries to hide his sheet of paper. Diane sticks out her palm.)

Diane: Hand it over.

Norm: Diane, we -

Diane: Hand it over!

(Norm slowly hands her the paper as the other bar patrons slowly bow their heads and creep away.)

Diane: Is this really what I think it is? Are you mesomorphs really doing this? You people have sunk as low as human beings can go. I don't even consider you part of the human race.

(Sam comes back out of the office, happy as a clam.)

Diane: Sam! Come over here!

Sam: Again? (adjusting his pants) Well, if you insist -

Diane: Sam! Your so-called friends are betting on us! Take a look at this!

Sam: (looking at the paper, bewildered) What is this, guys?

Diane: Go ahead. Tell him.

Norm: Uh, Sammy - we were just having a little fun.

Diane: They were actually betting on when we'll break up.

Sam: (looking closer) Oh, yeah? (a smile spreads across his face) That's kind of funny. Ooo, lookee here, Diane, even odds on under a month.

Diane: You think this is funny?!

Sam: Lighten up, sweetheart. Who cares what they think?

Diane: Oh, you are … you are just as bad as they are! (she storms off to take some orders)

(Sam leans over the bar.)

Sam: So who took the long point spread here? Ooo, Norm. Let me guess, you think I won't be able to get out of it.

Norm: Not at all, Sammy. I believe in you two love birds!

(Sam examines the paper on the bar.)

Sam: All right, I want in on this.

Carla: Sammy, you can't bet on your own relationship. You've got insider knowledge.

Sam: I tell you what, I know as much as you guys do. Probably less.

Carla: Forget it.

Sam: (turning serious) All right, everybody. You've had your fun. Get rid of that thing. Or at least don't let Diane see it again. If I don't get my hedge clipped tonight because of this, I'm not going to be a happy camper.

(Diane comes back around the bar.)

Diane: (angrily) Two drafts and a Ketel soda with a twist. (she watches Sam for a moment - he's disturbingly unfazed) Aren't you the least bit bothered by this?

Sam: By what?

Diane: Sam! Those feeble-minded crustaceans think we're never going to make it.

Sam: Of course they know we make it. They see us go into the office every few hours.

Diane: Sam!

Sam: (turning and placing his hands on her shoulders) All right, so what? You don't care what they think about anything else, why care about this? They bet on everything.

Norm: That's right, Diane. Last night, we bet on whether Cliff's tongue was more a shade of magenta, mulberry, or periwinkle.

Cliff: I made a bundle on that one.

Diane: Well, I think it's disgusting. You people should be ashamed of yourselves - hoping our happiness is cut short. Just because you're all miserable slack-jawed cretins, you want everyone else to be.

(She takes her drinks and flounces off.)

Sam: Whoo. You guys really got her knickers in a twist this time. And after I got done with her just now, they're already twisted beyond recognition.

Cliff: Sammy, I'd like to apologize for being a part of this crude and infantile sport. I personally hope to see you and Duy-an go for the long haul.

Sam: So you gonna change your bet, there, Cliff?

Cliff: Not a chance.

Coach: Sam's right. You guys are horrible. Betting on Sam and Diane like that!

Sam: Coach, I'm pretty sure I saw your bet down there too. And you gave us a week.

Coach: But it's going to be one helluva week, Sam.

Carla: All bets off anyway! Sam's seen the spread and now it's no good. He'll stay in it just to mess us all up.

Sam: Yeah, Carla, your stupid bet on my relationship is my main concern here.

(He shakes his head and walks to the other side of the bar.)

(Norm puts the sheet inside of his jacket and puts his finger to his mouth in a 'ssh' motion.)

Cliff: Nahmie, bring that thing back out here and rip it up. Diane's got a point. We're all being awfully cynical.

Norm: Maybe Cliff's right. We should be rooting for those two.

Carla: Yeah, rooting around in the back of my throat until I puke!

Paul: How about we bet on something else?

(They all think for a moment.)

Carla: Ooo! I got it! The next argument.

Norm: But who would go beyond 15 minutes?

Carla: All bets can be under 15 minutes.

(They huddle around the paper.)

(Diane comes back.)

Diane: Sam! They're doing it again! Do something about this!

Sam: Diane, would you just lay off?!

Carla: All right, who had under 10 seconds?

Sam: Diane, can I see you in my office?

Diane: Really?! We are arguing! I am not going in your office!

(He takes her by the arm and spins her off into his office.)

Norm: Okay, so do they get it on in there?

The whole bar: Yes!

SAM'S OFFICE

Sam: (he steers her towards the chair behind his desk) Sit down.

(Diane sits, pouting heavily.)

Sam: Look, sweetheart. It's a bar. These people have nothing to do all night. We're their entertainment. You have to learn not to take this stuff personally.

Diane: How can I not take this personally? It's like they hate us. Well, they worship you. They hate me!

Sam: They do not hate you. Okay, Carla does. The rest of them are just having some jollies.

(He takes her hand and pulls her out of his chair. Then he sits and pats his lap.)

Sam: Come here. You look like you could use some Sammytime.

Diane: (pulling away) No.

Sam: Come here!

(He grabs her and sets her on his lap. He kisses her.)

Now forget about them.

Diane: And Sam… I … I heard YOU trying to make a bet too.

Sam: Heard that, did ya?

Diane: Only a little. I don't know what you bet.

Sam: They wouldn't let me bet.

Diane: Why not?

Sam: (lowering his voice and murmuring in her ear) Because I said "forever."

Diane: Oh, Sam. That's so sweet. Is that what you really said?

Sam: (kissing her) Yes.

Diane: Huh. I don't believe you. But that's okay.

(They keep kissing.)

Sam: Now I think they're all betting on whether or not we're going to have sex in here.

Diane: Hmm. That wouldn't be much of a bet, would it?

Sam: Nope. Unless we didn't, and we walked back out right now. Boy, would that screw them up.

(They look at each other for a moment.)

Both: Nahhh.

(They grab at each other passionately.)