cool story

This reads quite a bit like an outline for a chapter, rather than the chapter itself. You've laid a good foundation, with Shepard's friendships with Kaidan and Joker, but I would love to be shown more of what she feels, rather than being told. We're kept pretty firmly out of her head - why?

We'd sympathize more with her if we knew more about her feelings: is she ashamed about Torfan? How does she feel about the Normandy? Exposition can be tricky - you don't want to overwhelm readers with too much information at the start - but we can still get a sense of who she is from how she feels about her past.

I do like that she and Kaidan knew each other before the start of the series - they seemed well-suited for each other, very careful and sweet and teasing, and when she interacts with Kaidan, your Shepard starts to come to life.

Great chapter! Really enjoyed it despite the sad theme of the chapter :) keep up the good work!

I love Lauren's idea of knowing just enough to make a mess. :D

I like too that Kaidan's past has some real, problematic complications that move forward into current time. I do wonder how long Kaidan has been assigned to the Normandy, because a week or so seems pretty quick to put together a major plot, get people on board the Normandy in an official way, etc. It would have been cool at the beginning to get an idea of how long he'd been assigned.

Things go down pretty quickly, and I did wonder where beta shift was.

And thus Lauren becomes Commander Shepard. :D Yay My only real crit for the chapter is the POV switch early on. It threw me a little, as these things do. The read would have been smoother if it had started with Lauren as Kaidan calls her over. He could explain to her the problems, rather than him thinking about them. The fewer times we have to adjust to a new POV, the better. We want to drag our readers into the story and hold them prisoner. :D Don't give them any opportunities to escape.

Good work, I like the change you made to Anderson's announcement in the beginning. Good work.

Nice.

I like Lauren's conversation with Mrs. Williams, and I especially like that hint of Kaidan's cologne lingering on the shirt Ashley had lent and now bequeathed her. I can just imagine it, hmmh...

Is it just me, or does Garrus have maybe a small crush on Lauren as well? Wrex's conversation with Garrus suggests as much, but maybe I am reading too much in it.;)

Just going back an rereading.

"I won't turn you down." Man, that is a real emotional punch. Well done.

Nice twist there! Having Kaidan tell Shepard that Ash is in trouble and then having to arm the bomb before Shepard's team could reach her because Shep was down and needed medical attention.
Good one!

RIP Ash

Another great chapter! I feel so sorry for Jenkins (and Ash of course) but since this is a Shenko story, I kind of expected that outcome. Keep up the good work :)

* * "So I take it you'll be applying?" she said in a nonchalant manner. - an excellent chance to let me in on what is going on inside Shepard here, rather than telling me that she is nonchalant. How is she feeling? Is she nervous, excited ... both? Is she faking the nonchalance to cover up the real story? Is she teasing him with it? I want to be thrown into your Shepard to experience the story from her POV.

* * Ellipses need a space before and after. If they are at the end of a thought, they need a space then the closing punctuation.

* * This had become her favorite part of the day. - Don't tell me, show me her enjoyment. How does it manifest in thought, emotion, sensation?

* * She smiled as she sat. Staff Lt. Kaidan Alenko was a good friend. - same here, show me the friendship and how deep it is through their interactions, through her anticipation of his arrival. Is she dying to tell him something, but didn't call because she wanted to see his reaction in person? Etc.

* * When you get into the conversation, it tends to go into talking heads a little. I would love to get a feeling of their mood, etc. through their body language as well as their words. Someone's hand drifting up to emphasize something sets a very different tone than someone's hand cutting the air, or waving. How are they sitting? Is she just staring at him, or is she watching her surroundings as well.

So, an interesting place to start and take on the story. I am starting without the background knowledge of the previous stories because you asked for this one specifically, so I am a little less grounded in their history. Mostly, my comments are that it reads like a very good start ... a sort of detailed outline of the two scenes. I would love some meat put on the bones so that I am allowed to experience the story rather than be told the story. It goes back to the old show don't tell thing. :)

The characters speak naturally, which is awesome. So yeah, good work. I look forward to seeing how things progress. Cheers.

How. Dare. You. Almost. Make. Me. Cry!? I don't cry. Ever. But if I do, I just turn into even more of a bitch than usual. My friends would probably go insane if I had another bitchy day this week.
I love the story by the way!

Hol

I really liked it! I think I forgot to review the last chapter, sorry about that, life has been a little crazy. But I really like where you're going with this, and Lauren's fears at the end of this chapter is totally understandable but I hope they can work through it! Keep up the amazing work :)

Virmire is coming...

Really like the new chapter! Hopefully Lauren will see that there's nothing going on between Kaidan and Ash since Ash has a date with Jenkins and a little Shenko can happen soon :D

Jenkins probably thinks he is going on a date with Shepard, cute. :)
Shepard will feel so much better when she learns that Kaidan and Ashley are not together. I just know it!