Hello!
I am fandom blinder. I thought this was a very interesting one shot! This story sounds more of a one shot than a drabble. I say is a one shot because it sounded more like a scene base where as a drabble sounded more like a subject base. Well, a bit of both but you did an excellent job on it!

What I found it most interesting was the way you had written without you addressing the characters and the way you portray the four couples, it was the same time for a reader being confuse and the moment of even me having a dejavu moment.

For example, you had the two couples and when you describe the world dissolving and bringing the day of their graduation, I actually have to pick up my dictionary, look for the word dejavu and read the story again. But that is just me ass a reader who has English second language. So every story I always read twice.

What I totally love about your story is how you portray the girl and I enjoy these phrases:
"Boots that looked to be made for hiking."
"She had an air of arrogance to her,but she seemed confident from the way she held her phone up before her eyes instead of downward."

I particularly love the end part. When the girl doesn't know why she was feeling sad and the moment they had was gone. Well done!

Fandom familiar :D Though Angel Beats is a new favourite for me.

You have a very interesting way of writing - looks deceptively ambiguous until you read between the lines and put it in to context. The lack of names serves to further reinforce that. The hint of forgiveness was an interesting touch - the connection between Yuri and Kanade in this fic seemed to take a background to Yuzuru and Yuri, maybe because Yuzuru was the one Yuri noticed staring. But it shadows the situation of the afterlife very nicely, and the allusion to their graduation ceremony was gorgeous well.

I think, in the interests of that ambiguous presentation, you could tone down some of the descriptions, but that might just be because I know the characters and don't need the hair colours repeated that often to differentiate them :D Depends on your target though, but I thought, especially after Yuri left the scene, the presence would have been more powerful as just girl or companion instead of silver haired girl... you could also shorten the piece like that; though it's a fine length as it is, some brevity in the descriptions would bring their fleeting meeting out more strongly. In real time it's a pretty brief moment after all. :D

But aside from that, a beautiful piece. The sort that reveals a little more on a second read, which is always fun.

Hey, I'm canon blind, so I don't know a lot about the characters.

As short as this story may have been, it got right down to the point. In this short story, I could feel the characters emotions, the mysterious aura coming off from the tom-boy girl with the phone, and even at the end when the girl with silver hair said, "I...feel so sad." The worlds flowed nicely and it was very smooth. I think my favourite line is, "Their chest tightened from sadness, as though that moment would be the last time they would see each other." I can definitely feel the character's emotions right there, kind of a sense of anxiety. Love it! And my favourite part was when reality faded into this world of illusion, a graduation of some sort. The gimps into the future. Great description. Absolutely wonderful piece.

I really enjoyed it! Nice job!
-Sapphire

Alright, I'm going to go into this with the warning that I know nothing of the Angel Beats canon past the fact that it is a notoriously sad anime. I'm also going to say that if it's half as heartbreaking as this fic is, I don't know that I necessarily want to find out. As a general comment on your fic before I begin, I'd recommend looking over it for sentences that sound funny - there are a few that break the flow of the narrative due to awkward wording. It's not enough to make the fic unenjoyable, but it does take me out of it at times. Anyway.

Onward!

I love this description right at the top of this implacable moment of feeling. Right off the bat, it opens me up to this very mystic-feeling sensation. It feels unfamiliar, but at the same time, it doesn't, and so it's a very effective way of leading right into this moment of indescribable deja vu. I'm instantly intrigued with what's happening and want to read more.

I'm also fond of how you go about the descriptions in this piece - you not only paint a really good mental image, but also characterize the characters, in a way. You give the girl in shorts confidence, and your descriptions of the boy and girl show that they are somewhat cute and devoted to each other, yet also somehow modest without ever having to say that. Somehow, your descriptions kinda implied it, and it's a really cool technique there.

I'm loving this description of the feeling of nostalgia that this girl has. It really makes me wonder why she feels this way, why this girl in the shorts inspires this feeling and awe and desire to look. This really adds a nice, surreal undertone to the moment that I think really works with the scene going on.

For one thing, I adore the fact that the room dissolved from the darkness, not into it. Really cool image you have there, and a nice twist on the typical cliché. For another, this moment is beautiful. It's bittersweet, forgotten memories and the feeling of something that is missing yet is still so much /there/. It's this knowing and not knowing at the same time, and it creates an amazing contradiction, and just...yes. Yes. I love this.

This moment where they feel like they are friends and forgiven but don't understand why they need forgiveness is mystic and heartwarming and heartbreaking all rolled into one, and I love it - it almost makes me think of the ending of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. You just can't explain the emotions. You feel them. This scene here just generaly aches of this implacable feeling of love that I just can't get over. I want to know why they needed this forgiveness, and why this feels so bittersweet. This does exactly what all good fics do - it makes me want to know more.

Man, this scene here...Again, that feeling of something missing is just overwhelming. You can't put your finger on it, but it's real and it is undeniable. The girl's comment just sums it all up. It's all so painfully sad and bittersweet and beautiful, but it cannot be described and the why can't be placed. I love it.

And then they forget it. They'll never remember, and maybe it's somehow better that way, and yet still it's somehow worse. I get the feeling that by forgetting, they've lost something important, and it ends this fic on a really sad, yet somehow beautiful note that I adore. It's heartbreaking, but it's hard not to look at it and somehow still want to smile. I can't tell why that is. It just...is. Well done.

All in all, this story is absolutely excellent. You make me feel so many emotions over the whole thing, and even canon-blind, I can understand the narrative and feel what the characters are feeling, and it is generally just an emotional roller-coaster that I think will probably be staying with me for some time. Very, very well done. Bravo and thanks for posting.

Bookworm

Hi there! I am totally and completely canon blind, but I shall do my best for you! Let's get started!

[It was only for a moment] Five words that did the trick with hooking me right away :) I like how the narrative goes on to give this point a kind of what I feel is a dreamy quality - not really how long something happened, but at the same time, there's a feeling of maybe how long, but eh...you know? (I'm sorry, I'm rambling hehe)

[...close proximity of each other] might be canon/regional thing, but I've always seen a thought like this expressed as something like [to each other] but YMMV on that regard. Even then, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of the story. Something tells me that this outing isn't going to be a normal one at all...

[eye-contact] I don't THINK there's a dash here normally, but I could be wrong. By the way, uh-oh, everybody saw each other...

Oh, I really LOVE how the setting essentially melts away to somewhere different - almost like how it would in a movie. I have never seen a transition happen like this in a story before and it's really well done and I almost want to steal it and try to use it myself :)

[...their sides, chairs they had sat in...] I believe this is a comma splice?

I'm not sure what exactly to make of this scene (darn this canon blindness bull!) but I still feel some connection here, though I think it's rather vague. I think back to my own high school graduation eons ago - I cried after it was all over because for me, it was the moment where I realize "OMG I'M AN ADULT WUT" In a way, it was sad for me to leave that part of my life behind and know that I was entering into a new phase of life that I had no idea what to do with...and I have feeling I'm deviating off the path horribly right now /rambling Georgyann is rambling!

Though the moment was a quick one, it seemed to have a lot of impact on the two nameless characters here and I think it's a moment that will change their lives in some way forever. Here's to hoping things go well for them! This was a wonderful one shot, I truly enjoyed reading it! See you later!

Hi there! Completely fandom blind here so you know! That said, on with the review!

This line here: ((It was only for a moment—something that struck from out of the blue.)) worked so well as an opening line. It set the tone of the piece, highlighted the events nicely and specified that it was just one (moment) in time. There's nothing big going to happen beyond this moment, there's no great dramatic scene or big type battle. No, this moment is all that there is and all there ever is going to be. It's a very nice way of establishing how the next few minutes in the lives of the characters are going to coincide with the time that I myself spend reading the events. It's a great way to immerse me in the narrative and connect me with the events as they unfold. I feel like an angel riding on one of their shoulders, seeing what they see, hearing what they hear, feeling what they do.

The descriptions here: ((The sunlight was hazy from the thin clouds, but she had on a sunhat, locks of silver hair curling over her cheeks. Her redhead companion was a head taller, a dark eye peering adoringly down at her through his bangs.)) are very ambiguous (someone with fandom knowledge will likely get it), but they work for me because of their mystery. I love the subtle touches you inject, like how her very pale hair is curling against her cheek and how her companion is a (head taller) than she is. You show what her hair is doing and how she's very petite in comparison to her boyfriend.

For me: ((They didn't know what the future held for them, but they weren't afraid. Peaceful, yes, but not fearful.)) this reflects my thoughts as I was graduating high school and college both. I had no clue what the future had in store, I didn't know if I was going to succeed or what, but I wasn't afraid of it.

Now these two lines here: ((They felt a bond of friendship./They felt forgiven.)) are interesting because they hint at conflict. Given that there's a graduation mention, I'm gonna assume that it was the normal angsty BS that people tend to get drawn into when they are in school. I love that there feels like some resolution, as if the past has been accepted as the last and mistakes and statements said/made left where they belong. I also like the subtle hints about how there were things they could have said, or done and are forgiven for not doing because they were young and wrapped up in their own lives.

Another section: (("I... feel so sad," she whispered in a soft tone, golden eyes drooped in emphasis. She lifted a delicate hand to her heart, fingers flexing slightly. "I don't know why.")) that eluded to the mistakes of youth and how only once you have removed yourself from a situation or see something from a different perspective can you see how things might have different had your choices not been the ones you made. I also love again the vague descriptions. They work well to draw attention to what you do describe.

In all this was a lovely piece! Good job!

Fandom-blind alert, just so you know.

"It was apparent they were going out..." I think it might be better to say "they were a couple". The way you put it makes you immediately assume 'they' are simply outside and it takes a moment to realize the mistake.

At times the writing is awkward and confusing or simply needs to be touched up a bit; for example, you use 'as' or 'but' in places where they don't need to be sometimes. It's simple, small touches that could take this story to a new level.

Because this story is really quite good. Not using names enhances the dream-like quality. The thoughts and emotions and vision, and then ending the moment with some dialogue was a good move. The ending was smooth and clever, and the beginning was abrupt, pulling you in. A very good read!

Wow! This was really good! I have to say though, for a moment I was worried you were about to ship Otonashi and Yuri(I refuse to recognize any ships other than Otonashi and Kanade). If you enjoyed Agel Beats! you should check out my FanFic for it, Cyclic Chaos, where the feels shall return with a vengeance(if I get around to keep working on the story).
(BTW, if you didn't know, I found you through the WoJ)

This is a lovely piece, very accessible to people unfamiliar with the fandom. I am one of them.

Overall, the narrative flow is breathtaking: effortless and smooth. In one or two places the phrasing seems a bit odd, like a combination of two different sentences ("a song they knew they had of yet to actually sing along to" is the chief among them). You paint a vivid, dreamy image, which won't fade quickly from my mind.

This is truly a thing of beauty.

The vagueness of the gymnasium, whether they were there long ago or yet to be there, added to the dreamlike quality of the moment.

Some of the phrasing was a bit awkward and confusing ("they knew they had of yet to actually sing along to").

The mentions of the "moment" at the beginning and end were both more concrete than the body, and reminded the reader of normal deja vu ("something that struck from out of the blue"). They gave the tone a neat symmetry.

The slight humanization of the stranger ("an almost hesitant movement... she stole one last glance") made it eminently clear that she a) wasn't responsible for the moment, and b) wasn't as overconfident and aloof as she at first appeared.

I apologize for the short nature of this review, as I'm a little off tonight. But I do have to say, this was a fine work indeed, as to expect from a fine author such as yourself. Very good job indeed, although the ending left me wanting...more...

But I await yet another work like this, again, excellent job.

"Dressed in a tomboyish manner"- I found those words unnecessary. You do a perfectly fine job of illustrating it when you describe what she's wearing.

Large green bow- if this were mine, I'd change that to "a large green bow her only concession to femininity."

Arrogant or confident- which is it?

"Under normal circumstance" should be "under normal circumstances."

. Found in the Reviews Lounge Too archive . .Fandom-blind!.

I love the intro- it shoves you right into the action, and urges you to read on to find out what it was that came out of the blue. The first section is so full of emotion, but it gives away nothing, and it really made my stomach go funny with tension, if that makes sense. I love your description of the couple, as it says much about their appearance in a rather original way and without going on about it too much. I think that the way time slows around them is a nice touch as well, as it slows the pace of the story a bit, as if they've found something shocking. I think you did a great job in describing the girl's tomboyishness, and I like that you make her really seem like she's attracted their attention. I like how there appears to be some kind of a flashback as well. I like the limited dialogue here as well, as it really shows their thought processes well. I love the warm, hopeful ending line as well; it was a lovely way to end the story. :) Great work! :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here is my critique/suggestions for you. If there's anything you'd like me to clarify, just ask. :)

. (Under normal circumstance, ) I'm not sure if this is just a way of saying it that I haven't heard, but I've always heard it as 'under normal circumstances'. I'm unsure if this is an error or just different way of saying it, but I would like to mention it, just in case. :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Keep up the good work. :)

Hi lilpurplebird,

I enjoyed your piece although I had a hard time with some of the phrasing, in fact, there were a few times that I had to reread your sentences over and over to see what you were saying. Those moments were times when a pause or comma could have been added and it would have made the sentence make so much more sense!

Did you use the final episode as the déjà vu setting? I wasn't quite sure which characters you were using as I haven't watched it since forever and I watched the full series in one sitting overnight. Lol.. but your emotional description fit your story very well. One thing that would still improve it is rather than describing someone's appearance separate from the action... describe them as you're describing their actions... you generally did pretty well with this but with the tomboy, you sort of paused the story for her clothing and it messed up the pace.

Anyways, good job and you did very well with getting your emotions and general storyteller skills out there! I loved that there was only one quotation rather than a bunch of talking... the lack of talking gave the story a more mysterious and darker feel.

Keep up the work!

Warning: Fandom Blind

So...I don't really know where to start with this. I really did like it, to tell the truth, it really did feel like sone of those strange moments you had, and even though I am unaware of the real realationships of the characters, I think that you portrayed them really well.

So, the girl that they see on the street, she knows them, or they know her, and they either shared an experience or had a conflict. I can't be sure which, but I could still tell it was something that really must have affected them. But, the way the couple reacted confused me alittle, making me think that maybe they had their memories erased or something of the sort.

Your description was excellent, no so wordy I couldn't get anything, but very good for clear imagery, I could certainly see this happening in an anime, where the background whites out and music plays. It was literally like you were writing an anime, and I think that's really awesome.

Overall, yes. I really liked this. It wasn't too sappy, but it was really raw emotion and I think that really captured me. Very nice job!