Oh my, has it really been almost 6 years since I updated this profile? Yes, it has. So this update is long-overdue, but not as overdue as updates to my stories.

Unfortunately, the reason I am posting this update is because yours truly is getting worn down by life, and the continual ebb and flow of shame (see my recently-posted one-shot) that washes like the tides over and over so many of us relational high-feelers that were raised without the support and perspective needed to see ourselves as vulnerable but valuable, difficult but worthwhile. So I thought I should give a heads-up that for the first time since the early days of my posting on here, the thought has occurred to me more than once that it might be time to take it all down.

And really, if you've read any of my stuff, you can understand why I might be considering that.

But I always think about the possibility of a younger version of me on here, not quite self-confident (or perhaps desperate) enough to write her own stuff yet, and taking comfort in the fact that someone else's brain and psyche is as longing-for safety and affection and the ability to be relationally-dependent in a way that doesn't punish but protects as her own is. And so, thus far, everything has stayed exactly where I left it.

It will stay that way today (listen to my Dr. Seuss-ing), but if there's a story you find particularly comforting, perhaps you might want to print it now, because I'm not sure--and no one can be--about tomorrow.

I'm always sad when I try to click back to an old favorite on here, and it's been removed. It's like a little death, and not the French variety that gets so much play-time on this site. It's the disappearance of a friend, albeit an electronic one, and it hurts. So maybe I'll leave these up for as long as I'm allowed to...or at least, I'll try.

Hope you are well, dear reader. Thanks for listening.

And now, back to the important (IMO) points I've made previously:

-I'm terrified of you. No offense. It's nothing you've done (obviously), but the result of previous rejection by important people paired with an amygdala (emotion-generating brain structure) the size of a grapefruit. (FYI, that's not normal.) I call myself a "high-feeler," because as an adult I've discovered that not everyone feels things to the same degree! It only makes sense, right, but I can't tell you what a relief it was to have the insight that part of why I'm more fearful, sad, and depressed than other people is because I simply feel more, and more strongly, than they do. The good news is that I get to feel all the good stuff more strongly too...

-I'm wordy, and I believe strongly in including emotional context with my stories so that if they're being used as pain-relieving drugs (believe me, Twilight fanfiction is "my own personal brand of heroin," or maybe morphine, since I've never had the intense pleasure, or pain-relief, of calling an Edward my own), there is at least a warning statement and some good advice about how to maximize their positive effect and minimize the bad ones.

If you find my author notes preachy or too long, feel free to scroll down past the bold type. I'm glad if you don't want to read what I have to say there, because maybe that means you're not hurting (or you think I'm an idiot; that's okay too). When I write my author's notes, I'm often writing to my past selves, the ones that are just barely holding on and looking desperately for ways to survive the pain. I hope the notes help somebody else out there, and I thank you all for humoring me. (They make current-me feel better too.)

Now, about what we do on here... Yes, it's entertainment, and a really cool way to virtually-connect with other people leading lives you never would have known about otherwise. But I also have found reading others' and writing my own variations on the Twilight themes leads to all sorts of psychological insights, and great intellectual and spiritual satisfaction. I think the key is not just enjoying what you read or write, but asking yourself why you enjoy it. (This is not the same "WHY?" that you may get from partners, friends or family members not initiated into the joys of Twilight or fanfiction.)

The other suggestion I have is to definitely try writing your own. One of the easiest approaches is to take a scenario that is extremely appealing to you, then tweak it in your mind until it's even better. Or, take a miserable situation and fix it! It starts to be a habit, doing this mental re-arranging, and I'm finding it's one habit that makes my life happier, and more effective. Good grief! Who knew that was possible? (Okay, there is a caveat: this has only been true after going through extensive grieving over how my life will never resemble my version of a happy-ending Twilight story...more on grieving some other night. Maybe I'll write a fanfiction about it. :) Come to think of it, my poor husband has probably written a few of his own... "How to Survive When Bella Loses All Perspective" maybe, or "Why Edward Should Have Run Off with Jacob and Saved Himself a Lot of Angst." I'll search later and see.)

One thing I won't edit is my enormous "Thank you!!" with lots of love to:

-Rebecca, for telling me to do it, and being such an excellent dominant Edward proxy in my life that I actually followed through, and then for telling me (true or not) that I did it well.

-Justine, for suggesting that maybe my inability to stop reading Twilight/Twilight fanfiction indicated a deeply-felt need to be explored rather than a serious character flaw. (Feel free to disagree, dear Reader, but please don't tell me about it.)

-MollyT and MD (you know who you are) for telling me there is nothing wrong with me, but merely with the fit between me and the family/culture/social setting around me. To not feel alone in one's suffering, and to be relieved of the burden of the idea that it might be sef-inflicted or imagined, is unspeakably liberating, beyond marvelous, sanity-creating, irreplaceable, invaluable, and sometimes intoxicating in the best possible way.

-Rev. B. for introducing me to the concept of grieving beyond the realm of funerals.

-ARomanticidalEdwardian for satisfying my intense desire to "see" the consummation of Edward and Bella's love and thereby introducing me most happily to the world of fanfiction; angstgoddess03 and hunterhunting for giving me a tantalizing taste of rescue fantasies, Twilight style; and IceDragonSnowqueens (Icy, anybody? I never could get her screen name right) for introducing me to...well, that's for a mature audience, folks.

-And last but not least, Stephenie Meyer, for having the courage to send Twilight out into the world, and the enormous generosity to share it with all of us in ways that help and heal. And entertain and enlighten. And occasionally frustrate in the best possible ways.

So here are my first FanFiction forays, and the second, third and fourth too. I still haven't read my reviews, but I'm gratified to have them, and plan to get over myself and read them soon--just as soon as I find the right set of armor for the job...no emotional barrier between me and other people, remember? (If you have this difficulty too and can make a recommendation, please message me. I've found that vibranium--Star Trek armor, according to my son--works really well for repelling all negativity while coaching soccer with little kids. And their parents.) Yes, the armor is only metaphorical, but it works better if you put a little thought and creativity into it. Try it sometime.

Thanks to those of you who take the time to offer feedback, and support. I appreciate you!

Just a reminder, MY BELLAS ARE PASSIVE ON PURPOSE! Yes, partly that's because I'm working out my own angst, and using Bella to present an ideal version of a general, prototypical me that never did or could really exist but that still gives me profound satisfaction in transforming the neglect, misunderstanding and derision I experienced into the adoration, celebration and rightness Bella gets to have. Mm-mmm, it feels good!

But more importantly, my Bellas are needy and dependent and clueless in the ways of societal survival in order to argue for and demonstrate the value of nonaggression; of relational rather than rational cognition and perception; and of acting from a desire for communal well-being, rather than for individual achievement. This is not an argument based on good vs. evil, right vs. wrong, but on a conception of the beauty and utility of a yin-and-yang (or rational-and-emotional, relational-and-objective) balance in life.

As someone who's always yanged when she was supposed to yin, much emphasis and repetition on these points has been required in my fanfiction writing in order to restore peace and well-being to the galaxy of my brain. You have been warned.

If you find yourself in my Bellas too, please feel free to tell me so. I'd love to hear from you (though it might take me an obscenely long time to write back). Peace and blessings to you all!

xo Liza