WARNING: As stated in the summary, this is a slash story and if this isn't
your thing then get thee hence.
Disclaimer: Not mine, but consider this a hint for Christmas
Feedback: Pulls on t-shirt with the words 'feedback whore' written across
the front in large letters.
"Master."
"Mmnnm?"
"I was wondering, have you ever thought much about our future together?"
Qui-Gon reluctantly removed his face from Obi-Wan's neck. "We've talked about this before, when you get knighted we can be bonded, but not before and there's no rush if you aren't sure about it. You haven't changed your mind have you?"
"No, of course I haven't." Qui-Gon took this as a signal to continue from where he had left off. "No, Master, we just need to talk."
"About what? If you hadn't noticed I'm rather busy here Padawan."
"We need to talk about children."
"You want kids?"
"Well.yes."
Qui-Gon had always thought that preferring men to women would mean that he's never have to have this discussion. There were very good reasons why Jedi didn't take responsibility for a Padawan until they were practically in their teens and even then it was difficult enough, he really didn't like the idea of having to look after a child who hadn't had years of training in meditation and control of its emotions, or for that matter, its body.
"You have noticed that we're both male, haven't you?"
"There are other ways - we could adopt."
"But it's such a commitment. What about when we're out on a mission, can you really see yourself fighting a lightsaber battle with a baby carrier strapped to your back? Or do we just leave it here in the temple for other people to look after all the time and only see it a few times a year?"
"We don't have to spend the rest of our lives on missions. You're not exactly getting any younger and you might not be able to in another ten years or so -"
"Thanks a lot."
"But missions aren't what being a Jedi is all about, or at least they don't have to be. We could stay here in the temple, I could teach and if you mellowed a bit in your old age," Qui-Gon made a face, "you could even have a seat on the Council in a few years time."
Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows at his Master as if willing him to argue with his perfectly thought out logic. Qui-Gon just stared back, thinking. It wasn't that he didn't want children - no, wait, it was that he didn't want children, but when Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows like that it mean that he had made up his mind and it was going to take nothing short of some strong Force suggestion to change it. Qui-Gon lifted his hand to wave it in front of Obi-Wan's face, but Obi-Wan grabbed his wrist before he could open his mouth to say anything and gave him a warning look. This was going to take more than Force suggestion. Damn.
"Obi-Wan, did you ever spend much time in the Initiates' Creche?"
"No, Master, we're hardly ever on Coruscant and when we are here I'm too busy catching up with my studies."
"Then maybe that is something we're going to have to change. I'll speak to the Creche Masters tomorrow and you can spend a few days helping them. Then we can talk seriously about having children."
"You're going to arrange for me to spend some time looking after the most difficult children there to put me off the idea, aren't you?"
"Of course not, I'm just. filling in a gap in your training. I can't believe that I overlooked it before."
Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows again, but Qui-Gon ignored it.
"Alright then, but this isn't going to put me off, it's just going to give me some experience for when we've got children of our own."
"Of course it will. Now, will let you let me finish seducing you or do you want to talk about anything else? The state of Galactic politics, the moral questions arising from using the Force to manipulate others, perhaps?"
"No Master, I think I'm ready to be seduced again."
"Good, now where were we?"
********* **********
"Good morning, Master."
"Good morning, Padawan. You do remember that you're going to the crèche today, don't you?"
"Yes, Master. Why do you ask?"
"Because you're wearing your beige robes. Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"But I always wear my beige robes."
"Are you sure that they are the most suitable attire for someone who is going to spend most of the day with a group of small children?"
"Why wouldn't they be?"
"Oh, never mind. I'm sure this will be a most instructive week for you."
"I think so too, Master."
Qui-Gon took a moment or two just to commit the smug expression on Obi- Wan's face to memory for future reference before telling his apprentice that such emotions were unbecoming for a Jedi.
******** ********
"I'm sure you and the children will get along fine, Obi-Wan, they love it when new people come to visit." The crèche Master smiled reassuringly as they entered a classroom of three-year-olds, only slightly raising her voice to be heard over the dull roar of background noise. She clapped her hands together for silence and almost immediately 20 small faces of varying species looked up at her. "Children, we have a visitor. This is Obi-Wan and he's going to be helping us here this week."
The children stared at Obi-Wan mutely as he tried to smile at them in what he thought was a non-threatening way. The children didn't seem to be too worried by his presence, so he thought he must be getting off to a good start.
"Shoes!" Screamed one of the children pointing to Obi-Wan's feet. Obi-Wan looked down at his feet in confusion. It had been a long time since he had been an Initiate, but he was fairly sure that he had worn shoes back then, and he couldn't remember there being anything new written into the Jedi Code recently about shoes being forbidden. Qui-Gon would have told him, wouldn't he?"
"Yes dear, he shouldn't be wearing his shoes in here, should he?" The children all shook their heads.
"He's naughty, isn't he?"
"No, I forgot to tell him so it isn't his fault because he didn't know." The Creche Master turned to Obi-Wan. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you understand that you can't break the rules in front of the children, but there's a box of spare slippers in the corner - most of the Padawans who come in to help us forget to bring their indoor shoes at one time or another."
Not wanting to set a bad example to the children on his first day, Obi-Wan apologised and started rummaging through the box to find a suitable pair of slippers to borrow. In the end he had to settle for a pair approximately two sizes too big because they were the only ones which weren't either far too small or designed for someone with either claws or about twice as many toes. They flapped when he walked, but since this seemed to amuse the children, Obi-Wan decided that this would probably make up for his earlier faux pas, but made a mental note to bring his own tomorrow.
"Now, everyone's got something to do this morning, haven't they?"
The children all nodded or made some kind of noise to indicate the affirmative.
"Good, then why don't we all go back to what they're doing and me and Obi- Wan will come round and help you if you need it."
The children turned back to what they'd been doing for about 20 seconds before they started putting their hands up.
"Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan?" He looked down to see a small (probably) female Initiate attempting to pull on the hem of his tunic while keeping one hand up in the approved fashion.
"What do you need help with?"
"Can you write my name on my picture for me?"
"Of course I can." Obi-Wan knelt down to the level of the miniature tables he had been dragged towards. "What's your name?"
"X'zinjodaof'nyjre."
"Do you know how to spell it?"
The girl giggled. "If I knew how to spell it I wouldn't need someone else to write it for me, silly."
Obi-Wan decided just to try his best, the Creche Masters might be able to figure it out, or the child would recognise her own drawing later. He picked up a crayon and was attempting to recreate the sounds he'd heard on paper when his head was pulled violently to one side.
"What's this?" Asked the child on the other side of the table who had grabbed his braid and was trying to pull one of the strands loose. He could understand why most of the Creche Masters were short haired and clean- shaven.
"It's my braid."
"What's it do?"
Obi-Wan looked at the child blankly, not sure how to respond to the question. "Um, it doesn't really do anything."
"Then why d'you have it."
"It shows people that I'm a Padawan."
The child looked at Obi-Wan with a much more condescending expression than he thought could possibly be normal for a three-year-old. "Then it does do something."
"I suppose it does."
"Then why didn't you tell me before?"
"Because. I don't know."
"Because he's silly." The children all giggled.
"I'm not."
"Yes you are!"
"Am not."
"Are so." The children all started giggling again.
"It looks like you're having fun over there, Obi-Wan, the children really seem to like you."
***** ******
When Obi-Wan got home that evening Qui-Gon was waiting for him.
"Did you have a good day, Padawan?"
Obi-Wan grinned. "Yes Master, it was great. I can't wait for tomorrow, we're going on a trip to the Temple gardens to see how to look after plants in the morning and planting some seeds in the afternoon."
If Qui-Gon hadn't been a fully trained Jedi Master with years of experience of keeping his facial expression unreadable, to say that he looked shocked at that particular moment would have been something of an understatement. He had expected to see Obi-Wan back in their quarters hours ago, promising never to mention the idea of adopting a child ever again as long as he wasn't sent back to the crèche.
"Yes, it does sound like fun, doesn't it?" He paused. "Padawan, are those handprints on the back of your trousers?"
Obi-Wan tried to twist his head round enough to see the backs of his legs. "Oh, that. Yes, well, we were painting in the afternoon and one of the children decided they wanted a hug."
"And what's that other stain on the hem of your tunic?"
"Oh, I think someone must have blown their nose on it, or chewed it or something."
"I see. And you are not annoyed about this?"
"Not really, these are an old pair and it'll probably wash out anyway. Master, I think we should maybe have another talk about having children."
"Really?" asked Qui-Gon hopefully?
"Really. Um, Master, I know I said before that maybe we should wait for a few years after I'm knighted, but you've said before that I should be ready for my trials in about a year or so and I don't want to wait much longer than that - what do you think about being bonded as soon as I'm knighted and sending application forms to the adoption agency then?"
******* ******
"Good morning Masters, children."
"Good morning Obi-Wan," chorused the children.
As a few of the children tried to wrap themselves around Obi-Wan's legs his eyes met those of one of the Creche Masters.
"They must really like you, Obi-Wan. They're usually pretty friendly, but I haven't seen them take to someone like this in quite a while, maybe they can sense something about you." Obi-Wan smiled at her and reached down to ruffle the hair on one of the small heads and gently guide it away from the more sensitive areas of his body before he was accidentally headbutted. "Could you maybe start getting some of them into their cloaks and outdoor shoes?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "Right, you lot, come with me." He gestured to the four or five children nearest to him and headed out towards the entrance hall where 20 cloaks were arranged on pegs, each with a pair of shoes underneath. He turned round to see approximately half of the class standing behind him.
"We want to be in your group, Obi-Wan."
"Yeah, you're more fun than the Masters."
"That's not a very nice thing to say about your Masters, and I can't look after all of you, so five of you are going to have to go back to the classroom and wait for one of the Masters to take you."
The children looked at each other, blinked once and then turned back to Obi- Wan.
"Iwasherefirst." Ten faces looked up with ten identical looks of complete innocence.
Obi-Wan sighed theatrically and chose five children at random to send back to the classroom, reminding the ones who sulked that a good Jedi always does as they're told.
He turned to the ones who were left. "So which cloaks and shoes are yours?"
The children shrugged.
"You don't know whose are whose?" They shook their heads. Obi-Wan thought back desperately to his own Initiate days. "Do you have your names written on them?" They shrugged again.
"Usually we have to reach out with the Force and feel which is ours."
So their Masters did things a little differently, that shouldn't be a problem. "Why don't we all reach out and try and find our own then."
The children closed their eyes in intense concentration and stumbled forwards towards the pegs, two of them falling over each other in the process.
"We'll do this one at a time then."
Ten minutes later the children all had cloaks which might possibly have been their own - they fitted, but it would seem that none of the crèche children were very good at finding their own cloaks because most of them had the Force signatures of several people on them - and Obi-Wan was just finishing tying the last pair of shoelaces when one of the Masters put her head round the door.
"Oh, well done everyone. Why don't you all get a partner and show Obi-Wan how good you are at lining up at the door while the rest of us get ready?"
The children rushed up to the door pulling Obi-Wan with them.
"Will you be my partner Obi-Wan?"
"No, mine!"
****** ******
The trip to the gardens went well, all things considered. No one asked any awkward questions or started a fight and only three of the children had asked to go to the toilet when they were supposed to be meditating. They had even walked to and from the gardens in two quiet lines in an attempt to show Obi-Wan how good they were at it.
The afternoon was a little more eventful, but nothing that Obi-Wan's training as a mediator couldn't help him cope with:
"You know you shouldn't have tried to put the soil you were supposed to plant your sunflower seed in Aimee's hair."
"Why?"
"Because it isn't nice."
"Why?"
"It just isn't."
"Why?"
"Would you like it if she put soil in your hair?"
"Maybe."
It wasn't easy work, but Obi-Wan was starting to really enjoy it. Maybe this was a message from the Force and he was supposed to give up his diplomatic career and work in the crèche instead. It was a lot less dangerous anyway.
***** *****
"Did you enjoy your second day in the crèche, Padawan?" Qui-Gon had spent the day hoping that maybe it would just take a little more time for the children in he crèche to break Obi-Wan's will and had looked up expectantly when he had seen him come through the door looking considerably more worn- out than the day before.
"Yes Master. It's very rewarding work." He had a strange feeling that mentioning his doubts about his career to his Master would not be a good idea until he had had a chance to meditate on them further, or at least until Qui-Gon looked like he was in a better mood.
"And have your thoughts on us adopting a child changed at all?"
"No Master, if anything I am more sure about it than yesterday."
Qui-Gon was forced to desperately try to control his emotions again. Then he had an idea of how to turn the situation to his advantage.
"You know, if the Force wills it and we are supposed to be parents, then maybe we should go into the bedroom and see if it is willing to send us a little miracle." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Really Master, I appreciate the offer, but not tonight, I'm exhausted and I've got a busy day tomorrow and I just want to go to bed and actually sleep for once. You wouldn't believe how much energy those children have."
***** *****
Qui-Gon spent much of the night lying awake next to Obi-Wan thinking. He was not impressed with the way his plan had backfired; not only did Obi-Wan still want to adopt a child with him after he was knighted, but he had completely lost interest in sex. And this was *Obi-Wan * he was talking about. If he didn't do something they would end up stuck with a kid who couldn't just be left in the crèche at the end of the day and he didn't even want contemplate the effect this could have on his Padawan's libido - he might doing solo lightsaber practise in the shower for years if thing carried on like this.
The situation could not be allowed to continue. He was going to have to do something, but he didn't know what. Tomorrow he would have to go and talk to Yoda; he always knew what to do in difficult situations. Yes, Yoda would be able to advise him on what to do about his broody Padawan and the lack of sex. He would just have to make sure that he got to speak to Yoda alone and so that he didn't have to tell the entire Jedi Council about his little problem.
**** *****
"I'm not going to eat it." The small boy folded his arms and scowled at Obi-Wan.
"Don't you want to eat your lunch? It's a lovely plate of.lunch you've got there."
"No, it's horrible and if you make me eat it I'll be sick."
"No you won't. If you won't eat it you won't grow up to be a big strong Jedi Knight."
"Don't care."
"If you don't eat it you won't get any ice-cream."
The boy's resolve began to waver. He picked up the spoon and put a small amount of the sludge on his plate into his mouth, making an even worse face than before.
"Just another two spoonfuls and then you can have your ice-cream."
Reluctantly, the boy took a spoonful, then another and then there were a few tense seconds where lunch and stomach battled for supremacy.
"There, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
Obi-Wan knew the second that he opened his mouth that he had spoken too soon.
***** ******
"In you may come now. Ah, advice you need, Qui-Gon, hmm?"
"Yes, Master Yoda, how did you guess?"
"Come here you do not unless ask you I do, or advice you need, and asked you I have not. Right I am, yes?"
"Yes, Master Yoda."
"Well, tell me you must what you need advice on." Yoda thumped his stick on the floor by way of emphasis.
"Um."
Yoda's ears went up and he leered slightly. "Sensitive problem you have?"
"You could put it like that."
"Need to consult the healers you do?"
"No, no, nothing like that."
"Then what? Problems with your young Padawan you have?"
"Um, yes."
Yoda cackled. "Knew it I did. Feel it from halfway down the corridor I could, get any last night you did not."
Qui-Gon looked embarrassedly at his feet and fidgeted. There was something parental about Yoda that made anyone in the Temple blush whenever he so much as mentioned sex.
"Disagreement you have had?"
"Yes, he, um, mumblemumble."
"Speak up you must."
"He wants a child."
"Facts of life you have neglected to teach him? Forget to have 'the talk' you did, hmm?"
"No, Master, we had 'the talk' nearly ten years ago, he wants to adopt."
"And you do not?"
"No."
"Then dissuade him you must, tried Force suggestion you have?"
"Yes, Master Yoda."
"And work it did not? Then send him to work in the crèche you must. Reason why Padawans help in the crèche the week after the contraception lectures there is."
"I know, I have, he's there now and he's been there for the past two days, but he loves it."
Yoda closed his eyes and put on his patented 'wise Jedi Master' face. "Clouded young Kenobi's future is. The will of the Force unclear is. Meditate on this you must."
"He's not going to give up on this adoption idea, is he, Master Yoda?"
"Told you already I have, unclear it is." Yoda whacked Qui-Gon in the shins with his stick. "Now go you must, busy I am."
Now completely resigned to his fate, Qui-Gon left to go out to the gardens and meditate. Perhaps he really was getting old, and maybe if he was lucky, the stress of having a child around would put him out of his misery fairly quickly.
***** *****
When Qui-Gon eventually got back from the gardens he found Obi-Wan lying sprawled topless on the couch. For a second he panicked, thinking that perhaps the Force had told him that he would get pregnant through some strange mystical intervention and he was waiting here to seduce Qui-Gon and chain him down forever with the responsibilities of fatherhood. But then he looked closer and realised that Obi-Wan was asleep. Then he saw the chocolate wrappers on the table in front of him and that the reason Obi-Wan was topless was because his tunic was covered in some regurgitated looking green slime. He picked up the tunic and put it into the washing machine at arm's length, disposed of the chocolate wrappers, covered Obi-Wan with a blanket and went to bed feeling considerably happier than when he got in. As much as he hated to see Obi-Wan depressed, his time in the crèche was slowly starting to break his resolve. Now all Qui-Gon had to do was find a way of paying Yoda back for making him worry like that.
**** ****
"But Master, I can't go to the crèche today, I'm far too ill."
"No you aren't, you've just got a cold."
"But I could pass it on to the children."
"I doubt it, you probably caught it from them in the first place, it's amazing how many germs the average Initiate is carrying."
Obi-Wan gave him a death stare, finished his breakfast in silence and left for the crèche sulking.
**** *****
"Ah, no, don't do that, let go of my lightsaber belt. Let go!" Obi-Wan tried to regain his serenity for long enough to remove the small children from his legs and greet the crèche masters.
"Good morning Obi-Wan, you're as popular with the children as ever, I see."
"Obi-Wan, will you read us a story?"
// Anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.//
"Obi-Wan, can you hold us upside down again?"
// There is no anger, only the Force.//
"Obi-Wan, I spilled paint all over the floor."
// Anger leads to the Dark Side.//
Obi-Wan smiled wearily at the crèche Master. // I can't hear you Dark Side, lalalalalala //
Looking back, Obi-Wan could never quite remember what it was that that finally pushed him over the edge that morning, whether it was when someone levitated a pebble into the back of his head at high speed, when the fish tank got knocked over, covering him in water and various types of aquatic life or when they pulled on his braid just one too many times, but as the omniscient author, I can tell you with a fair degree of certainty, that it was when he got hit in the back of the knees with a toy lightsaber.
***** *****
Qui-Gon looked up from his book as he heard the door slam and Obi-Wan throw himself against it as if to keep out the invisible hordes of screaming children.
"You're home early, is everything alright?"
Obi-Wan pulled himself together just enough to stop shaking enough to make his speech understandable.
"They're not children, they're monsters!"
"Was there a problem at the crèche?"
"Problem? Only one? I don't know how the crèche Masters manage it."
"They can be a little difficult sometimes, can't they?"
Obi-Wan shuddered in reply.
"Perhaps you should come and sit down, just take deep breaths and I'll make you a cup of tea."
Obi-Wan sat down heavily on the couch, not out of any inherent obedience, but because his brain had shut down and doing what he was told was a lot easier than thinking for himself.
Qui-Gon came back a few minutes later with the tea and put it carefully into Obi-Wan's still trembling hands. "Padawan, I think we have something to talk about. How do you feel about having children. I don't mean now, of course, and it doesn't mean we have to rush into anything after your Knighting, just maybe one day in the hypothetical future."
"No!"
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to give the matter a little more thought?"
"No. I've made up my mind. No kids. Ever. Discussion closed. Now, if you don't mind, Master, I'm going to go and lie down."
Qui-Gon suppressed the urge to smirk as he watched Obi-Wan unsteadily make his way to the bedroom. Alright, so what he had done to Obi-Wan wasn't exactly nice, but the end justified the means, and anyway, he'd make it up to him later. There were good reasons why so few Jedi had children, and with their lifestyle, Qui-Gon knew it wouldn't be fair on the child. Would it? Maybe if they tried they could make it work, and they wouldn't know unless they tried, would they?
// Stop right there brain. I know what you're trying to do. I'm a Jedi, I have control over my emotions and I'm not subject to reproductive instincts. Of course I'm not. Maybe I should talk to Obi-Wan again.//
"Master."
"Mmnnm?"
"I was wondering, have you ever thought much about our future together?"
Qui-Gon reluctantly removed his face from Obi-Wan's neck. "We've talked about this before, when you get knighted we can be bonded, but not before and there's no rush if you aren't sure about it. You haven't changed your mind have you?"
"No, of course I haven't." Qui-Gon took this as a signal to continue from where he had left off. "No, Master, we just need to talk."
"About what? If you hadn't noticed I'm rather busy here Padawan."
"We need to talk about children."
"You want kids?"
"Well.yes."
Qui-Gon had always thought that preferring men to women would mean that he's never have to have this discussion. There were very good reasons why Jedi didn't take responsibility for a Padawan until they were practically in their teens and even then it was difficult enough, he really didn't like the idea of having to look after a child who hadn't had years of training in meditation and control of its emotions, or for that matter, its body.
"You have noticed that we're both male, haven't you?"
"There are other ways - we could adopt."
"But it's such a commitment. What about when we're out on a mission, can you really see yourself fighting a lightsaber battle with a baby carrier strapped to your back? Or do we just leave it here in the temple for other people to look after all the time and only see it a few times a year?"
"We don't have to spend the rest of our lives on missions. You're not exactly getting any younger and you might not be able to in another ten years or so -"
"Thanks a lot."
"But missions aren't what being a Jedi is all about, or at least they don't have to be. We could stay here in the temple, I could teach and if you mellowed a bit in your old age," Qui-Gon made a face, "you could even have a seat on the Council in a few years time."
Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows at his Master as if willing him to argue with his perfectly thought out logic. Qui-Gon just stared back, thinking. It wasn't that he didn't want children - no, wait, it was that he didn't want children, but when Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows like that it mean that he had made up his mind and it was going to take nothing short of some strong Force suggestion to change it. Qui-Gon lifted his hand to wave it in front of Obi-Wan's face, but Obi-Wan grabbed his wrist before he could open his mouth to say anything and gave him a warning look. This was going to take more than Force suggestion. Damn.
"Obi-Wan, did you ever spend much time in the Initiates' Creche?"
"No, Master, we're hardly ever on Coruscant and when we are here I'm too busy catching up with my studies."
"Then maybe that is something we're going to have to change. I'll speak to the Creche Masters tomorrow and you can spend a few days helping them. Then we can talk seriously about having children."
"You're going to arrange for me to spend some time looking after the most difficult children there to put me off the idea, aren't you?"
"Of course not, I'm just. filling in a gap in your training. I can't believe that I overlooked it before."
Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows again, but Qui-Gon ignored it.
"Alright then, but this isn't going to put me off, it's just going to give me some experience for when we've got children of our own."
"Of course it will. Now, will let you let me finish seducing you or do you want to talk about anything else? The state of Galactic politics, the moral questions arising from using the Force to manipulate others, perhaps?"
"No Master, I think I'm ready to be seduced again."
"Good, now where were we?"
********* **********
"Good morning, Master."
"Good morning, Padawan. You do remember that you're going to the crèche today, don't you?"
"Yes, Master. Why do you ask?"
"Because you're wearing your beige robes. Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"But I always wear my beige robes."
"Are you sure that they are the most suitable attire for someone who is going to spend most of the day with a group of small children?"
"Why wouldn't they be?"
"Oh, never mind. I'm sure this will be a most instructive week for you."
"I think so too, Master."
Qui-Gon took a moment or two just to commit the smug expression on Obi- Wan's face to memory for future reference before telling his apprentice that such emotions were unbecoming for a Jedi.
******** ********
"I'm sure you and the children will get along fine, Obi-Wan, they love it when new people come to visit." The crèche Master smiled reassuringly as they entered a classroom of three-year-olds, only slightly raising her voice to be heard over the dull roar of background noise. She clapped her hands together for silence and almost immediately 20 small faces of varying species looked up at her. "Children, we have a visitor. This is Obi-Wan and he's going to be helping us here this week."
The children stared at Obi-Wan mutely as he tried to smile at them in what he thought was a non-threatening way. The children didn't seem to be too worried by his presence, so he thought he must be getting off to a good start.
"Shoes!" Screamed one of the children pointing to Obi-Wan's feet. Obi-Wan looked down at his feet in confusion. It had been a long time since he had been an Initiate, but he was fairly sure that he had worn shoes back then, and he couldn't remember there being anything new written into the Jedi Code recently about shoes being forbidden. Qui-Gon would have told him, wouldn't he?"
"Yes dear, he shouldn't be wearing his shoes in here, should he?" The children all shook their heads.
"He's naughty, isn't he?"
"No, I forgot to tell him so it isn't his fault because he didn't know." The Creche Master turned to Obi-Wan. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you understand that you can't break the rules in front of the children, but there's a box of spare slippers in the corner - most of the Padawans who come in to help us forget to bring their indoor shoes at one time or another."
Not wanting to set a bad example to the children on his first day, Obi-Wan apologised and started rummaging through the box to find a suitable pair of slippers to borrow. In the end he had to settle for a pair approximately two sizes too big because they were the only ones which weren't either far too small or designed for someone with either claws or about twice as many toes. They flapped when he walked, but since this seemed to amuse the children, Obi-Wan decided that this would probably make up for his earlier faux pas, but made a mental note to bring his own tomorrow.
"Now, everyone's got something to do this morning, haven't they?"
The children all nodded or made some kind of noise to indicate the affirmative.
"Good, then why don't we all go back to what they're doing and me and Obi- Wan will come round and help you if you need it."
The children turned back to what they'd been doing for about 20 seconds before they started putting their hands up.
"Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan?" He looked down to see a small (probably) female Initiate attempting to pull on the hem of his tunic while keeping one hand up in the approved fashion.
"What do you need help with?"
"Can you write my name on my picture for me?"
"Of course I can." Obi-Wan knelt down to the level of the miniature tables he had been dragged towards. "What's your name?"
"X'zinjodaof'nyjre."
"Do you know how to spell it?"
The girl giggled. "If I knew how to spell it I wouldn't need someone else to write it for me, silly."
Obi-Wan decided just to try his best, the Creche Masters might be able to figure it out, or the child would recognise her own drawing later. He picked up a crayon and was attempting to recreate the sounds he'd heard on paper when his head was pulled violently to one side.
"What's this?" Asked the child on the other side of the table who had grabbed his braid and was trying to pull one of the strands loose. He could understand why most of the Creche Masters were short haired and clean- shaven.
"It's my braid."
"What's it do?"
Obi-Wan looked at the child blankly, not sure how to respond to the question. "Um, it doesn't really do anything."
"Then why d'you have it."
"It shows people that I'm a Padawan."
The child looked at Obi-Wan with a much more condescending expression than he thought could possibly be normal for a three-year-old. "Then it does do something."
"I suppose it does."
"Then why didn't you tell me before?"
"Because. I don't know."
"Because he's silly." The children all giggled.
"I'm not."
"Yes you are!"
"Am not."
"Are so." The children all started giggling again.
"It looks like you're having fun over there, Obi-Wan, the children really seem to like you."
***** ******
When Obi-Wan got home that evening Qui-Gon was waiting for him.
"Did you have a good day, Padawan?"
Obi-Wan grinned. "Yes Master, it was great. I can't wait for tomorrow, we're going on a trip to the Temple gardens to see how to look after plants in the morning and planting some seeds in the afternoon."
If Qui-Gon hadn't been a fully trained Jedi Master with years of experience of keeping his facial expression unreadable, to say that he looked shocked at that particular moment would have been something of an understatement. He had expected to see Obi-Wan back in their quarters hours ago, promising never to mention the idea of adopting a child ever again as long as he wasn't sent back to the crèche.
"Yes, it does sound like fun, doesn't it?" He paused. "Padawan, are those handprints on the back of your trousers?"
Obi-Wan tried to twist his head round enough to see the backs of his legs. "Oh, that. Yes, well, we were painting in the afternoon and one of the children decided they wanted a hug."
"And what's that other stain on the hem of your tunic?"
"Oh, I think someone must have blown their nose on it, or chewed it or something."
"I see. And you are not annoyed about this?"
"Not really, these are an old pair and it'll probably wash out anyway. Master, I think we should maybe have another talk about having children."
"Really?" asked Qui-Gon hopefully?
"Really. Um, Master, I know I said before that maybe we should wait for a few years after I'm knighted, but you've said before that I should be ready for my trials in about a year or so and I don't want to wait much longer than that - what do you think about being bonded as soon as I'm knighted and sending application forms to the adoption agency then?"
******* ******
"Good morning Masters, children."
"Good morning Obi-Wan," chorused the children.
As a few of the children tried to wrap themselves around Obi-Wan's legs his eyes met those of one of the Creche Masters.
"They must really like you, Obi-Wan. They're usually pretty friendly, but I haven't seen them take to someone like this in quite a while, maybe they can sense something about you." Obi-Wan smiled at her and reached down to ruffle the hair on one of the small heads and gently guide it away from the more sensitive areas of his body before he was accidentally headbutted. "Could you maybe start getting some of them into their cloaks and outdoor shoes?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "Right, you lot, come with me." He gestured to the four or five children nearest to him and headed out towards the entrance hall where 20 cloaks were arranged on pegs, each with a pair of shoes underneath. He turned round to see approximately half of the class standing behind him.
"We want to be in your group, Obi-Wan."
"Yeah, you're more fun than the Masters."
"That's not a very nice thing to say about your Masters, and I can't look after all of you, so five of you are going to have to go back to the classroom and wait for one of the Masters to take you."
The children looked at each other, blinked once and then turned back to Obi- Wan.
"Iwasherefirst." Ten faces looked up with ten identical looks of complete innocence.
Obi-Wan sighed theatrically and chose five children at random to send back to the classroom, reminding the ones who sulked that a good Jedi always does as they're told.
He turned to the ones who were left. "So which cloaks and shoes are yours?"
The children shrugged.
"You don't know whose are whose?" They shook their heads. Obi-Wan thought back desperately to his own Initiate days. "Do you have your names written on them?" They shrugged again.
"Usually we have to reach out with the Force and feel which is ours."
So their Masters did things a little differently, that shouldn't be a problem. "Why don't we all reach out and try and find our own then."
The children closed their eyes in intense concentration and stumbled forwards towards the pegs, two of them falling over each other in the process.
"We'll do this one at a time then."
Ten minutes later the children all had cloaks which might possibly have been their own - they fitted, but it would seem that none of the crèche children were very good at finding their own cloaks because most of them had the Force signatures of several people on them - and Obi-Wan was just finishing tying the last pair of shoelaces when one of the Masters put her head round the door.
"Oh, well done everyone. Why don't you all get a partner and show Obi-Wan how good you are at lining up at the door while the rest of us get ready?"
The children rushed up to the door pulling Obi-Wan with them.
"Will you be my partner Obi-Wan?"
"No, mine!"
****** ******
The trip to the gardens went well, all things considered. No one asked any awkward questions or started a fight and only three of the children had asked to go to the toilet when they were supposed to be meditating. They had even walked to and from the gardens in two quiet lines in an attempt to show Obi-Wan how good they were at it.
The afternoon was a little more eventful, but nothing that Obi-Wan's training as a mediator couldn't help him cope with:
"You know you shouldn't have tried to put the soil you were supposed to plant your sunflower seed in Aimee's hair."
"Why?"
"Because it isn't nice."
"Why?"
"It just isn't."
"Why?"
"Would you like it if she put soil in your hair?"
"Maybe."
It wasn't easy work, but Obi-Wan was starting to really enjoy it. Maybe this was a message from the Force and he was supposed to give up his diplomatic career and work in the crèche instead. It was a lot less dangerous anyway.
***** *****
"Did you enjoy your second day in the crèche, Padawan?" Qui-Gon had spent the day hoping that maybe it would just take a little more time for the children in he crèche to break Obi-Wan's will and had looked up expectantly when he had seen him come through the door looking considerably more worn- out than the day before.
"Yes Master. It's very rewarding work." He had a strange feeling that mentioning his doubts about his career to his Master would not be a good idea until he had had a chance to meditate on them further, or at least until Qui-Gon looked like he was in a better mood.
"And have your thoughts on us adopting a child changed at all?"
"No Master, if anything I am more sure about it than yesterday."
Qui-Gon was forced to desperately try to control his emotions again. Then he had an idea of how to turn the situation to his advantage.
"You know, if the Force wills it and we are supposed to be parents, then maybe we should go into the bedroom and see if it is willing to send us a little miracle." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Really Master, I appreciate the offer, but not tonight, I'm exhausted and I've got a busy day tomorrow and I just want to go to bed and actually sleep for once. You wouldn't believe how much energy those children have."
***** *****
Qui-Gon spent much of the night lying awake next to Obi-Wan thinking. He was not impressed with the way his plan had backfired; not only did Obi-Wan still want to adopt a child with him after he was knighted, but he had completely lost interest in sex. And this was *Obi-Wan * he was talking about. If he didn't do something they would end up stuck with a kid who couldn't just be left in the crèche at the end of the day and he didn't even want contemplate the effect this could have on his Padawan's libido - he might doing solo lightsaber practise in the shower for years if thing carried on like this.
The situation could not be allowed to continue. He was going to have to do something, but he didn't know what. Tomorrow he would have to go and talk to Yoda; he always knew what to do in difficult situations. Yes, Yoda would be able to advise him on what to do about his broody Padawan and the lack of sex. He would just have to make sure that he got to speak to Yoda alone and so that he didn't have to tell the entire Jedi Council about his little problem.
**** *****
"I'm not going to eat it." The small boy folded his arms and scowled at Obi-Wan.
"Don't you want to eat your lunch? It's a lovely plate of.lunch you've got there."
"No, it's horrible and if you make me eat it I'll be sick."
"No you won't. If you won't eat it you won't grow up to be a big strong Jedi Knight."
"Don't care."
"If you don't eat it you won't get any ice-cream."
The boy's resolve began to waver. He picked up the spoon and put a small amount of the sludge on his plate into his mouth, making an even worse face than before.
"Just another two spoonfuls and then you can have your ice-cream."
Reluctantly, the boy took a spoonful, then another and then there were a few tense seconds where lunch and stomach battled for supremacy.
"There, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
Obi-Wan knew the second that he opened his mouth that he had spoken too soon.
***** ******
"In you may come now. Ah, advice you need, Qui-Gon, hmm?"
"Yes, Master Yoda, how did you guess?"
"Come here you do not unless ask you I do, or advice you need, and asked you I have not. Right I am, yes?"
"Yes, Master Yoda."
"Well, tell me you must what you need advice on." Yoda thumped his stick on the floor by way of emphasis.
"Um."
Yoda's ears went up and he leered slightly. "Sensitive problem you have?"
"You could put it like that."
"Need to consult the healers you do?"
"No, no, nothing like that."
"Then what? Problems with your young Padawan you have?"
"Um, yes."
Yoda cackled. "Knew it I did. Feel it from halfway down the corridor I could, get any last night you did not."
Qui-Gon looked embarrassedly at his feet and fidgeted. There was something parental about Yoda that made anyone in the Temple blush whenever he so much as mentioned sex.
"Disagreement you have had?"
"Yes, he, um, mumblemumble."
"Speak up you must."
"He wants a child."
"Facts of life you have neglected to teach him? Forget to have 'the talk' you did, hmm?"
"No, Master, we had 'the talk' nearly ten years ago, he wants to adopt."
"And you do not?"
"No."
"Then dissuade him you must, tried Force suggestion you have?"
"Yes, Master Yoda."
"And work it did not? Then send him to work in the crèche you must. Reason why Padawans help in the crèche the week after the contraception lectures there is."
"I know, I have, he's there now and he's been there for the past two days, but he loves it."
Yoda closed his eyes and put on his patented 'wise Jedi Master' face. "Clouded young Kenobi's future is. The will of the Force unclear is. Meditate on this you must."
"He's not going to give up on this adoption idea, is he, Master Yoda?"
"Told you already I have, unclear it is." Yoda whacked Qui-Gon in the shins with his stick. "Now go you must, busy I am."
Now completely resigned to his fate, Qui-Gon left to go out to the gardens and meditate. Perhaps he really was getting old, and maybe if he was lucky, the stress of having a child around would put him out of his misery fairly quickly.
***** *****
When Qui-Gon eventually got back from the gardens he found Obi-Wan lying sprawled topless on the couch. For a second he panicked, thinking that perhaps the Force had told him that he would get pregnant through some strange mystical intervention and he was waiting here to seduce Qui-Gon and chain him down forever with the responsibilities of fatherhood. But then he looked closer and realised that Obi-Wan was asleep. Then he saw the chocolate wrappers on the table in front of him and that the reason Obi-Wan was topless was because his tunic was covered in some regurgitated looking green slime. He picked up the tunic and put it into the washing machine at arm's length, disposed of the chocolate wrappers, covered Obi-Wan with a blanket and went to bed feeling considerably happier than when he got in. As much as he hated to see Obi-Wan depressed, his time in the crèche was slowly starting to break his resolve. Now all Qui-Gon had to do was find a way of paying Yoda back for making him worry like that.
**** ****
"But Master, I can't go to the crèche today, I'm far too ill."
"No you aren't, you've just got a cold."
"But I could pass it on to the children."
"I doubt it, you probably caught it from them in the first place, it's amazing how many germs the average Initiate is carrying."
Obi-Wan gave him a death stare, finished his breakfast in silence and left for the crèche sulking.
**** *****
"Ah, no, don't do that, let go of my lightsaber belt. Let go!" Obi-Wan tried to regain his serenity for long enough to remove the small children from his legs and greet the crèche masters.
"Good morning Obi-Wan, you're as popular with the children as ever, I see."
"Obi-Wan, will you read us a story?"
// Anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.//
"Obi-Wan, can you hold us upside down again?"
// There is no anger, only the Force.//
"Obi-Wan, I spilled paint all over the floor."
// Anger leads to the Dark Side.//
Obi-Wan smiled wearily at the crèche Master. // I can't hear you Dark Side, lalalalalala //
Looking back, Obi-Wan could never quite remember what it was that that finally pushed him over the edge that morning, whether it was when someone levitated a pebble into the back of his head at high speed, when the fish tank got knocked over, covering him in water and various types of aquatic life or when they pulled on his braid just one too many times, but as the omniscient author, I can tell you with a fair degree of certainty, that it was when he got hit in the back of the knees with a toy lightsaber.
***** *****
Qui-Gon looked up from his book as he heard the door slam and Obi-Wan throw himself against it as if to keep out the invisible hordes of screaming children.
"You're home early, is everything alright?"
Obi-Wan pulled himself together just enough to stop shaking enough to make his speech understandable.
"They're not children, they're monsters!"
"Was there a problem at the crèche?"
"Problem? Only one? I don't know how the crèche Masters manage it."
"They can be a little difficult sometimes, can't they?"
Obi-Wan shuddered in reply.
"Perhaps you should come and sit down, just take deep breaths and I'll make you a cup of tea."
Obi-Wan sat down heavily on the couch, not out of any inherent obedience, but because his brain had shut down and doing what he was told was a lot easier than thinking for himself.
Qui-Gon came back a few minutes later with the tea and put it carefully into Obi-Wan's still trembling hands. "Padawan, I think we have something to talk about. How do you feel about having children. I don't mean now, of course, and it doesn't mean we have to rush into anything after your Knighting, just maybe one day in the hypothetical future."
"No!"
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to give the matter a little more thought?"
"No. I've made up my mind. No kids. Ever. Discussion closed. Now, if you don't mind, Master, I'm going to go and lie down."
Qui-Gon suppressed the urge to smirk as he watched Obi-Wan unsteadily make his way to the bedroom. Alright, so what he had done to Obi-Wan wasn't exactly nice, but the end justified the means, and anyway, he'd make it up to him later. There were good reasons why so few Jedi had children, and with their lifestyle, Qui-Gon knew it wouldn't be fair on the child. Would it? Maybe if they tried they could make it work, and they wouldn't know unless they tried, would they?
// Stop right there brain. I know what you're trying to do. I'm a Jedi, I have control over my emotions and I'm not subject to reproductive instincts. Of course I'm not. Maybe I should talk to Obi-Wan again.//