Disclaimer- Mass Effect is owned by BioWare, which unfortunately isn't owned by me. Although you should probably be thankful for that, because otherwise Mass Effect 3 would have been more about a certain biotic Canadian than the Reapers and set mainly in the shower room.

A/N- So...this was meant to be about Grunt, but somehow it seems to be half about Grunt, and half about Jack and Miranda. I intended for it to be a one-shot but it's getting bigger than I expected, so I'm making it two chapters. Hopefully to be finished tomorrow. Anyways, read, enjoy, review. Or read, don't enjoy, then tell me how much I suck. :)

Shepard sat at the private terminal in her cabin filing yet another SpecTRe report. Usually she deferred most of this kind of work to her psychologist-come-secretary Kelly, but in the three days since Kelly (and various male members of the crew) had suspiciously come down with a particularly bad case of Scale Itch, Shepard had been forced to do the tedious work herself. She leaned back in her seat and sighed just in time to hear a knock at her cabin door.

"Come in." She called, sincerely hoping that whoever it was had brought coffee. The door slid open to reveal the huge, hulking form of Grunt, the only krogan, and by far the youngest, member of Shepard's team.

"Shepard, I was hoping to have a word with you." Grunt's deep voice echoed echoed around the (by normal ship standards) generously spacious cabin.

"Sure Grunt, what's up." His Commanding Officer replied, turning her seat to face him.

"I have a proposal for the ship," Grunt boomed. "I think we should bring a varren on board. They have their uses in battle, and it could make an excellent addition to the team."

"Absolutely not," Shepard immediately replied. "This is a warship, Grunt, not a flying zoo."

"But I could take care of it and it could sleep in my room. You wouldn't even know it was here!" Grunt's voice sounded almost pleading.

"Grunt, I am not buying you a pet varren." Shepard's exasperation showed in her voice.

"This is so unfair!" Grunt turned and stomped out of the room, reminding Shepard of herself when she was a teenager. Shepard turned back to her terminal and continued filling out mind-numbingly boring Council reports.

Three Days Later

"When I get my hands on that cheerleading bitch, I'm gonna rip her fu-"

"I get the idea Jack," Shepard rubbed her temples, sure she could feel a migraine coming on. "Look, I know you're upset with Miranda-"

"Upset? Upset?" The 'Psychotic Biotic' paced up and down the engineering subdeck, her body flaring blue with pent-up biotic energy caused by her bad mood. "Upset doesn't even begin to cover it, Shepard. You need a whole new word for what this is! That tramp stole my clothes Shepard! While I was in the shower. Have you ever had to walk through the ship naked?"

"Ok Jack, no I haven't, but I will deal with Miranda myself. This is my ship, I am the one in charge. And as I was saying, this mission is bigger than us, any of us, and however pissed you are with Miranda, you are going to have to let it go. The galaxy is at stake here." The pressure in Shepard's temples was rising.

"And what has the galaxy ever done for me, huh? I got the most screwed up childhood imaginable, I get thrown in a f-" Jack's voice was momentarily drowned out by the noise of Shepard sneezing, "-ing turian superprison, and now I get the pleasure of living on this travelling freak show with that Cerberus bitch upstairs, and a freakin' pubescent krogan next door. Screw the galaxy!" Jack was still pacing, wildly gesturing with her hands.

"I will deal with Miranda, and that is the end of it." Shepard used the most commanding voice she could muster, then turned and walked up the stairs, out of engineering, and into the main corridor. Just as she was about to reach the safety of the elevator, the door to Port Cargo, better known as Grunt's room, opened, and the young krogan occupant came striding out of it.

"Shepard! I'm glad I caught you, I want you to seriously reconsider your decision about having a varren on board. I went to the trouble of putting together this list of reasons as to why it would be a good idea." Grunt spoke, then cheerfully thrust a datapad into the Commander's hands and retreated back to his room. With her migraine now in full swing, Shepard half-stumbled into the elevator and went straight up to her cabin. On arrival, she headed straight for her bed and collapsed onto it. Knowing her migraine wasn;t going any way fast, she decided she may as well read Grunt's datapad.

Reasons why shepard should buy a varren for the normandy

1- the varren have a pressure of 200 kriks with their mouths. this means that they can snap the leg of any nown species.

2- they dont cost very much to buy.

3- i can look after it and it can sleep in my room with me

4- they can be trained for fighting and are very good fighters

5- according to the extranet their are some scyentists who did some research and found that having animals can help increase morale which apparently means that evryone wwill get on more and that would be nice becasue i am sick of listening to miranda and jack fight all the time.

6- we wouldnt even have to buy food for it because it can just eat the bodys of our dead enemys on missions

7- they are very scary which would mean that maybe sometimes enemies wont fight us and will just run away instead and that would save thermal clips.

The list went on for another 10 points, but Shepard got the message. Grunt wasn't going to give up on this any time soon. But, Shepard had far more pressing issues at hand. Like saving the galaxy for example. But right now, sleep was her main priority.

By morning the Normandy had docked on Tuchanka, and the first order of business of the day was helping Mordin find and stop his former assistant, Maelon. After completing the mission, and stopping off at Ratch's Wares to buy a heavy weapon ammo upgrade -and noting the strange disappearance of Urz, the varren normally seen sitting next to Ratch- Shepard headed back for the Normandy. Next order of business for the day: telling her Executive Officer that stealing team mate's clothes while said team mate is in the shower is detrimental to the mission and shouldn't be done.

"Shepard, what can I do for you?" Miranda's silky smooth, butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-perfect-mouth voice filled Shepard's ears as she stepped into Miranda's quarters. The young Australian woman was sat at her desk, presumably busy filling The Illusive Man in on every detail of every thing that had happened on the ship that day.

"I'm here about Jack." The younger, yet more senior of the two women replied.

"Ah, I had a feeling this was going to happen," Miranda leaned forward in her seat. "What did she tell you?"

"That you stole her clothes while she was showering, forcing her to walk back to her hidey-hole naked." Shepard leaned against the door frame, suddenly wishing she wasn't in charge of this ship and didn't have to deal with her 'colourful' team.

"Well, it's not like she wears much in the first place," If Aria was the queen of Omega, then Miranda was certainly the queen of snide comments. "But it's not true. I took those dreadful artifacts she calls 'clothes' and replaced them with a set of Cerberus fatigues. They're far more practical, and it's only a matter of time before one of her nipples falls out of that belt she calls a top mid-mission, and someone gets shot while you all have to stop and wait for her to put it back in again. It's not my fault Jack's so petty and immature that she'd rather be naked than wear Cerberus clothing." Miranda's tone was as self-assured as ever.

"You're both as immature as each other. Look, this is my ship, and I am running it as a military ship. That means no BS from the likes of you and Jack. No more stealing clothes, got it?" Shepard felt her renegade side coming through. Before Miranda had a chance to respond, Shepard turned on her heels and walked back out of her XO's quarters and towards the Mess Sergeant, praying he had some coffee left.

Later That Day...

"Yes mom...no mom...yes...yes...Mordin already told me that drell saliva is hallucinogenic to humans. Wait, how would you even know...no mom...I'm 29 years old, I can look after myself...well I know technically I'm 31 but I spent two years dead, so they don't count. But that's not the point..."

"Sorry to interrupt your conversation with your mother, Shepard, but there is an altercation occuring between Operative Lawson and Subject Zero on the Crew Deck which may require your presence to resolve." The metallic voice of EDI, the ship's AI came through the intercom in Shepard's cabin.

"Sorry mom, gotta go, I'm needed downstairs. I'll call you soon. Love you." Shepard terminated the call, and walked out of her cabin and into the elevator outside. On the one hand, she was thankful for the excuse not to talk to her mom. As much as she loved the woman, she could be very prying at times, especially when it cam to the younger Shepard's love life. But on the other hand, she was sick to death of having to constantly settle petty disputes between Jack and Miranda. Jack, she could kind of understand, the woman was young, had had a rough life, and wasn't used to serving under these kind of conditions. But Miranda was older, supposedly wiser, and the Executive Officer of a ship with a big mission, she should certainly know better than to get herself involved in this childishness.

"This is absolutely ridiculous Jack!"

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't have messed with me, should you?"

"Exactly how old are you?"

"Not as old as you, cheerleader."

"It was rhetorical although I doubt you know the meaning. Too long a word for you to understand."

"Bite me!"

Shepard could hear Jack and Miranda screaming at each other the moment the elevator doors re-opened to reveal the third floor of the ship. Grimacing, Shepard rounded the corner to where Jack and Miranda were holding their little slanging match and nearly fell over while attempting not to laugh. Miranda's hair, normally a dark chocolaty brown, was a mixture of blonde and orange, with a hint of green.

"Shepard, glad you're here to sort this out." The Australian woman with the ridiculous hair spoke first.

"Awww, does baby Miri need someone else to settle her arguments for her?" Jack smirked as she spoke.

"Can it, both of you," Shepard could feel her migraine returning. "Now tell me calmly, what happened here?"

"That thing thought it would be funny to put some kind of bleach in my shampoo, then returned to the scene of the crime to check the results." Miranda spat out.

"Jack?" Shepard looked to the other party involved to get more information on what had occurred.

"I haven't touched the Cerberus Princess's shampoo. I was simply here because that big stupid krogan has finally discovered what jacking off is and I didn't wanna have to listen. Although, whatever that stupid bitch gets, she deserves after what she did to me." Jack's face was a picture of innocence while she spoke. It was a look that didn't sit well on her face.

"Wait, Grunt is what?" Shepard enquired.

"Jacking off. He's howling and grunting...I could hear it from my bed. I wasn't sticking around to hear how it ends, I got the hell out of there and came up here to relax." Jack aimed the last part at Miranda, who Shepard still couldn't keep her eyes off, and was fighting very hard not to laugh at.

"That is besides the point, look Shepard, it's obvious that Jack is behind this and it's simply unacceptable." Miranda spoke up.

"Ugh, fine, EDI, can you shed any light on this?" Shepard called on the AI who monitored the ship constantly, knowing that she would have observed any wrong-doing on board.

"Hello Shepard. I am afraid that due to some unexpected maintenance work performed on my observation systems, there was a 'black spot' earlier today where no footage was recorded on the third or fourth floors. Therefore, I have no data available that may help resolve this problem." EDI's voice rang out over the intercom.

"Ok, thanks EDI. And...you may not want to turn the cameras in Port Cargo back on by the sounds of things." Shepard thanked, and warned, the AI.

"There is a problem with the feeds on the Engineering Deck. Unfortunately, only the observation feeds from the engine room are currently being received. I expect to have the rest back up and running in a few days. I sent you a private message earlier detailing the problem, we may talk more about it if you wish, Shepard." EDI's bodiless voice replied.

"Later, EDI." Shepard nodded in the general vicinity of the nearest security camera, signalling to EDI that her assistance was no longer immediately required.

"Can we please get back to the point here?" Miranda sounded exasperated, and looked ridiculous.

"Miranda, you have no way of proving that this was anything to do with Jack. Jack, if this was you - and I'm not saying it was - then please, for the love of God, grow up. And both of you, put your differences aside. If you hate each other that much and really want to continue this stupid petty rivalry, then I suggest you do it after we've finished this mission and aren't serving under my command any more. Now, Miranda, go buy a hat or something, Jack, back downstairs, now. I'm heading down there, so no excuses." Shepard signalled at Jack to follow her, then turned back to the elevator. Fortunately Jack followed, and fortunately it was in silence. Shepard was in no mood for the pettiness to continue during their ride down to the next floor. When the elevator arrived, they stepped out together, Jack went through the doors to engineering and presumably down to her 'hidey-hole' and Shepard stepped towards Port Cargo, Grunt's room.

Shepard hesitated and contemplated knocking on the door before she entered. Although ordinarily she would just walk straight in, after all it was her ship, she was a little worried about what she might see if she did. Although she could hear nothing but the hum of the engine - meaning that any noise Grunt had been making earlier had now stopped, Shepard thought it best to err on the side of caution and knock. Just as she raised her hand to do so, the door opened and Grunt appeared. The look on his face was a mixture of tiredness, wonder and excitement.

"Shepard. Did you want to see me?" Grunt asked, shuffling out of the door, and making sure it immediately closed behind him.

"Yes, Grunt, I actually wanted a quick word with you. Can we step into your room?" Shepard gestured towards the door as she spoke.

"Um...it's not really a good time Shepard...can't we do it out here? There's no one else around." The krogan seemed almost embarrassed while he talked.

"If you're sure Grunt. Listen...this is kind of hard for me, I mean, I remember having this conversation with my parents when I was young. Uh...I realise you're starting to learn new things about your body, and I just want you to know that any...urges...you may have are completely natural. Well, I guess they are for krogan as well as humans, I should look that up, but anyway, I just want to let you know that if you have any questions, you can talk to Mordin, he's a professional and very discreet, or we could even go and talk to Wrex together if you would feel more comfortable talking to a krogan about these things," Shepard had been in some extremely uncomfortable situations before, but none as uncomfortable as this. "But in the mean time, could you keep the noise down while you're...exploring...it's making Jack uncomfortable." Shepard was glad her little speech was over.

"O...k... Shepard. Thanks." Grunt's pitch lightened during the last word of his sentence, almost as if he were posing it as a question.

"That's fine Grunt, I just want you to know that you don't have to be alone...I mean...it's fine to do it alone, I don't want to be here for that, but you don't have to feel alone. Wait...no...that sounds wrong too. What I mean is, you have emotional support should you need it." Shepard stumbled for words.

"That's great Shepard. Now I really need to go to the bathroom if you'll excuse me." Grunt looked and sounded bemused by the conversation.

"I'm heading back upstairs now anyway." Shepard replied, then the two of them walked into the elevator together. They rode in silence, Shepard noting that Grunt was holding in crotch in an usual way but pretending not to. The elevator stopped on the third floor, Grunt got out and headed for the men's bathrooms (Thankfully he'd got the hang of remembering which bathroom was which. If he'd accidentally stepped into the women's bathroom one more time Shepard probably would have had to throw him off the ship for breaking sexual harassment regs) and then Shepard continued up to her cabin to try and get some much-needed sleep.