A/N: Soooo, this one took a while. Sorry about that. And the terrible Star Wars joke. Also, I am now taking requests for both this and the upcoming Andromeda Initiative Personnel Files!
Alliance Security Log 38401.Q-32
Kings College Hospital, London [KCH London]
Reports of a terrorist attack
UPDATE: Complaint was lodged by LCDR SHEPARD, J., claims that the SHADOW BROKER is trying to kill him by replacing his breakfast with a plate of spider eggs.
UPDATE: Spider eggs confirmed non-poisonous.
UPDATE: While the SHADOW BROKER's motivations appear unclear, this is unlikely an assassination attempt.
CASE STATUS: Closed, Unresolved.
EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: T'SONI, L.
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Pancakes
It is NOT ok of you to divert MY SHIPS to pick up ingredients so that you can make breakfast pancakes.
Liara
EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: TAYLOR, J.
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Baby names
I have no idea how you managed to alter EVERY BABY NAME E-BOOK WE ORDERED to repeat the names John, William, and Shepard and nothing else, but Brynn and I are not naming our DAUGHTER after you.
- Jacob
EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: SHEPARD, J.
To: TAYLOR, J.
Subj: RE: Baby names
How about Johnella?
EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: MASSANI, Z.
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Flowerpot Me, I have a gosh-darn son!
Ran into some flowerpotting bimbo that I had a bit of fun with in London in '56 and the blooming woman only goes and tells me she got pregnant! She said he joined that gosh-darn Andromeda Initiative thing though, so flowerpotted if I wanted to meet the guy. Poor kid, must get women throwing themselves at him.
Also, can you hurry up and get that gosh-darn quarian to finally turn this flowerpotting cuddle of a language filter off?
-Z
Alliance Security Log 38493.H-48
Missing persons report
LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been reported missing from Kings College Hospital, London [KCH London]. Officers are contacting the following people to see which one he ran off with this time: MASSANI, Z., VAS NORMANDY, T., VAKARIAN, G., ALENKO, K., CORTEZ, S., VEGA, J., TAYLOR, J., LAWSON, M., T'SONI, L., WREX, U., GRUNT, U., KRIOS, K., TRAYNOR, S., YEO, K., CHAKWAS, K., ADAMS, G., GOTO, K., ZERO, J., SAMARA, MOREAU, J., DONNELLY, K., DANIELS, G., JAVIK
UPDATE: None of SHEPARD, J.'s closest acquaintances can be reached.
CASE MERGED - Alliance Security Log 38493.P-64 : Break-in at Alliance training facility FIREBASE LONDON.
UPDATE: Reports of a large disturbance at an abandoned Alliance training facility FIREBASE LONDON, approximately 3 kilometres from KCH London. Participants heard shouting "I am Urdnot Wrex!" "I am Urdnot Grunt!" and "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favourite laser tag game in the galaxy" leading to suspicions of SHEPARD, J.'s involvement. Officers despatched to investigate.
UPDATE: Officers unable to attend the scene. All routes in have been blocked by passing ships, all believed to be owned by the SHADOW BROKER. Pilots are not engaging with comms.
UPDATE: After a 90 minute stand-off, SHADOW BROKER ships have left the vicinity.
UPDATE: Officers arrived at FIREBASE LONDON to find it empty. Site inspection has begun, please see Alliance Security Log 38494.L-89 for further details.
UPDATE: SHEPARD, J. has reappeared in his hospital room with mild alchohol poisoning, third degree burns, and turian claw marks. Everyone earlier contacted regarding SHEPARD, J.'s disappearance then contacted Alliance Security simultaneously, claiming to have been engaged in unofficial negotiations with the QUARIAN ADMIRALTY BOARD. This has been confirmed by Q-ADM VAS NEEMA, H..
CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved
Alliance Security Log 38494.L-89
Inspection of FIREBASE LONDON following suspected break-in detailed in Alliance Security Logs 38493.H-48 and 38493.P-64.
FINDINGS:
Security systems hacked. All camera feeds are playing the official trailer from Blasto 5. All audio feeds are playing traditional vorcha mating calls.
Arsenals intact. All weapons appear to have been recalibrated with unknown technology to approximately 0.43% above known thresholds.
Krogan footprints found on the ceiling of the administration office.
Many empty bottles of turian whisky, shard wine, and ryncol.
Theft of computer equipment. Notes stating "Sincerely, A. Ghost" were found in place of missing equipment.
EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: WREX, U.
To: SHEPARD, J.
Subj: Laser tag
That was one hell of a party, Shepard. I still don't get why we couldn't use real guns though.
Wrex
EXTRANET MESSAGE
From: VAS NEEMA, H.
To: SHEPARD, J.,
Subj: Thank you
Thank you for inviting me to your party. I'd never been to a human one before, but it was quite the eye-opener, and definitely worth lying to the Alliance for. Also, your 'laser tag' game was interesting. Although Tali is insisting that our team lost because I gave away our position by firing too soon. I did not shoot first!
- Han Gerrel