E! You Can't Save Everyone

Johnny was glad when the shift ended. It hadn't been the easiest. It just seemed like one MVA (motor vehicle accident) after the other, non-stop for two days. Most of the fireman had chalked it up to the fog that had rolled in early Monday morning...that didn't seem to want to leave.

Johnny wasn't one to blame things on the weather, but something about that fog brought him down, I could tell. It was clear, the way he trudged out to his car that morning.

He told me just before he went home that he was ready to start renovating the kitchen in his new place. I'd asked if he needed any help, and I remember him shaking his head.

"No, it's alright Roy," he said. "I need some time alone to think."

"You really should get some sleep, Johnny, you look exhausted."

He just shook his head at me. "I'll take a nap after I finish the cabinets."

Then he waved and walked away. I remember watching him for a second, then calling out to him, "Hey, Johnny, my offer still stands! If you need any help, you know how to reach me!"

He didn't even look back, he just waved his hand again and got in his car.

If I had known how uptight he was I would never have let him go home alone. But unfortunately for me, Johnny's very good at hidin' his true feelings. That's the only thing I don't like about him.

But I just gave a shrug and tried not to worry about him too much. Johnny's an adult, I trusted that he could take care of himself then, and I still do. I just never expected what happened that day.

I got home at around 8:25 and let my dog out into the backyard. It was so foggy, I couldn't see the tree in the neighbour's yard. My dog didn't even want to stay out there too long, she came right back inside after she'd done her business.

I shut the sliding door and walked into my kitchen to finish the dishes I started before shift...but every time I looked up and out if my kitchen window, all I could see was that damned fog. It was bringing me down, too, so I quickly finished up the dishes and went to take a nap.

I couldn't tell you why, but I slept kinda restless, and I woke up when my phone started ringing. At first, I thought it was part of my strange dreams, but as I became more aware of where I was, I realised it was my phone. I got up to answer it, and my heart nearly stopped when I heard Johnny on the other end. His voice was calm, but he sounded a little disoriented.

"Roy...could you...come help me? I...it's bleeding...there's blood everywhere..."

My heart jumped to my throat.

"Bleeding? What's bleeding, Johnny, are you alright?"

"Roy, It's bleeding real bad...Please."

"I'll be right there!" I practically shouted it and slammed the phone down in my haste. I grabbed my keys and ran out the door, starting up the engine in my truck. What I wouldn't have given for lights and sirens right now! I sped as fast as I could without breaking any laws, because the only thing that was going through my mind was, "if you get pulled over or get into a car accident, it'll take you longer to get to Johnny."

Well, that's not entirely true, there were other things swimming around in my brain. I was worried about every wound imaginable that would bleed enough that it concerned Johnny. He could have cut his head on something...no, it sounded like he was at least somewhat coherent...he knew my phone number, right? So a head injury didn't seem likely...

Oh no, what if he severed an artery on a piece of glass or a nail? If it was a nail, I'd have to worry about tetanus, too!

Thankfully, the calm part of my brain started to take over at that point.

Maybe it was nothing. Maybe he just got a cut that startled him, and what he really needs right now is a friend.

I took several deep breaths as I turned down the road to his house, preparing myself for whatever awaited me.

I found him in his kitchen, sitting next to one of his old cabinets. It looked like someone had smashed the cabinet with a baseball bat. I ran over to Johnny and knelt beside him. He was holding his arm across his chest, and blood was dripping down his elbow.

"Johnny, what happened?"

"I couldn't..." Johnny said, his voice catching. Tears were streaming down his face. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Couldn't hold it up."

It didn't make any sense, what he said, but the blood dripping down his elbow was really starting to worry me, so I resolved to talk to him about it after I took care of his wound. "I'll be right back, Johnny, I promise."

I ran and grabbed his first aid kit and some clean towels. When I got back in the room, I knelt beside him. "Let me see," I said, gingerly moving his hand.

I was ready with a towel when the blood gushed out at me. It wasn't much, but it must have hurt a lot. From what I could tell, he would need some stitches. I applied pressure and got some gauze and a pressure bandage ready. I was almost all professional about it, until I heard Johnny sob.

The sound startled me, actually. I looked at his face, and...I had never seen him so sad before.

"What's wrong, Johnny?" I asked him, my voice softer than I think I'd ever heard it before.

He shook his head and continued to cry. "I don't know..."

I let him cry while I wrapped up his arm and cleaned him up...but something about the sound of him crying was worse than anything I'd ever heard before. Every sob tore into my heart like knives, and it got to the point where I could hardly stand it anymore...

It just wasn't like Johnny to cry like this.

I couldn't help myself. I finished with his arm and just wrapped my arms around him. I think I surprised him, because he was still for a second, aside from his shaking, but I finally felt his arms slowly slide up around my shoulders and squeeze. He cried into my shoulder for a while, and somehow, it was easier to take the sound of his crying, holding him close to me. I rubbed his shoulder, then his back, trying to calm him down.

"It's alright, Johnny," I was whispering to him. "You're not alone. I'm here."

I encouraged him to take deep breaths by taking them myself, and finally, his breathing had calmed down, and his tears had stopped falling.

Still, I didn't want to let go. We sat like that for a while, on our knees in his kitchen, finding comfort in each other's arms.

After a while, he shifted and I let go. He took a breath looked down at the floor.

"Thanks, Roy," he said.

"What happened?" I asked, now that he looked like he was in a position to tell me.

He blinked and rubbed the back of his hand across his forehead to wipe away the sweat, because the palm was covered in blood.

"I...was trying to pull down the cabinets...and..." He took a shaky breath and a single tear fell from his eye. He closed his eyes. "Oh god, Roy...all I could see was that little girl..." His voice caught in his throat and I rubbed his shoulder. "Her eyes, Roy. They won't stop staring at me."

I looked down, memories rushing back to me.

The day before, we had been called out to an extremely bad MVA. Multiple cars were involved and we had to triage the patients. As we were finishing up on what we thought was our last patient, Johnny heard a cry coming from one of the cars. He ran back over and found a little girl, no more than four years old, in the back seat. He called me over, but I had to stay with my patient, so I brought him what I could before I had to go back.

I read Johnny's report. Her injuries were extensive. Fractured maxilla, right zygomatic arch, and mandible. Severed brachial and radial arteries. Shattered right femur and patella. Splintering of the upper part of the tibia. Extensive bleeding and probable internal bleeding. Pulse 10, respirations 8, BP almost nonexistent. Pupils both dilated and unresponsive to light.

That poor little girl was dead when he found her.

But he tried.

He tried so hard for that little girl.

I remember watching him digging her out, lifting and throwing off huge pieces of scrap metal like they were cardboard.

He got a c-collar, pressure bandages and splints on her. He put her on a backboard. He started a few IVs.

When she stopped breathing, he stayed with her and ventilated.

When her heart stopped, he started CPR.

He did it all by himself.

He fought for her life...when she couldn't.

45s took my patient into the hospital, and I patched the little girl in, maybe just to show him that he'd done all he could.

She was gone.

He stared at her for a long time...like he was lost, and she was just another road he had walked down...

The same as all the ones he hated walking down.

I can't remember if he cried then, but I knew he would later.

"Children...they're the worst for me," he suddenly said, bringing me back to the present. He said it so quiet, I almost didn't hear him.

He sniffed and hung his head.

"You know, Roy...She was..." His voice caught in his throat and he paused a second, taking a deep, shaky breath.

"She was...unconscious when I found her..." He stared at the floor. "She...Roy, she was so badly hurt...there's no way she could have cried out to me."

I furrowed my brows.

He was right...

"Maybe I imagined it, Roy, but...I know she called out to me...and I knew I had to do everything I could to help her." A tear rolled down his eye.

"And...I still lost her."

His pain was so strong, it stabbed right through my heart, too. I couldn't help myself. I dried his eyes and wrapped my arms around him again.

"Johnny, you tried. That's the important thing," I said. He sobbed into my shoulder...and each sob was more painful to me than the last. "Johnny...No matter how hard you try...you...you can't save everyone."

"But I should have! I wanted to save her! God Roy, she couldn't have been more than four years old! She had her own dreams! Her whole life ahead of her to realise them! And now she's dead!"

He yelled it. And he needed to. I knew he needed to feel it. We all feel it sooner or later.

I held onto him as he sobbed and shook.

I don't know what was special about that little girl, but she had become special to Johnny...and he lost a bit of his own soul when she died in his arms.

It happens to the best of us.

The paramedics who care too much...we're the ones who get hurt the easiest.

"You can't save everyone.

It's a fact...but it's hard to accept sometimes.

Sometimes...it's no consolation at all.

What is it supposed to do? Make us feel better?

It doesn't. It's only a simple fact.

But sometimes, it's what you do with that fact that pulls you through."

He looked up at me like he didn't understand.

"You did everything you could for her. She's probably smiling down at you...thankful for everything you did. She isn't staring at you asking why you didn't save her, Johnny. She's staring at you...asking why you're still so sad about her."

He sobbed again. I held him close and let him sob.

"Johnny, she knows that you can't save everyone."

I felt tears spilling from my own eyes.

"But she'll be watching out for you, Johnny. From now on. Because you tried so hard for her."

I let my own tears fall.

"Because now she's a part of your soul."

It's a fact we all have to face as emergency health care providers.

You'll lose patients.

And you'll lose a bit of your soul every time you lose one.

But the thing you have to keep in the back of your mind is:

You can't save everyone.

But you can move on.

AN- This was a fic request from yourpainfulnightmare on tumblr. I'm sorry it took so long, and I hope it's satisfactory.