Unspoken

by R2s Muse and LolaLei

A/N: Special thanks to our beta, meanieweenie!

Disclaimer: Dragon Age and its characters belong to Bioware.

Cullen's hand accidentally brushed against hers, as it often did when they walked together. She tried to ignore it, tried not to let her hand linger near his, but it was becoming more difficult to resist.

In the months they had traveled and fought together, their unlikely friendship had bloomed into something more, something unspoken. The gentle brush of their shoulders as they walked abreast. The graze of their fingertips when handing over a weapon. His oversolicitous hand at the small of her back guiding her through a crowded tavern. The way they gravitated together in any group, never far apart, and would stay up for hours after everyone else had retired, exchanging their stories and hopes. They were all seemingly innocent moments that had become far too common. And much less innocent.

Lost in her thoughts, it took her a moment to realize he had stopped and was watching her with a pained expression.

"I can't do this anymore," he said in a soft, serious voice.

She was about to pretend she didn't know what he was talking about, but it seemed the time for pretending was over. He had been quiet ever since leaving the Grand Cathedral to regroup with their companions. Ever since receiving that letter. Looking around the lonely, dusty road, without another soul in sight, she knew she wouldn't be able to avoid this conversation any longer.

"I know," she replied, wrapping her arms around herself. She braced herself for the inevitable, even if part of her still clung to the naive hope of a different outcome.

He looked away and started to worry at the plain gold band on his left hand. "This… our friendship has become much too intense for me." He turned back to her. "You and I both know where my commitments lie."

"Your wife..."

He nodded curtly, unable to look her in the eye.

She nodded in wordless understanding. She had known from the outset about this woman but had happily ignored her existence so long as Cullen seemed to. The letter, apparently the first communication from her in many months, had changed that.

"You realize, Cullen, that you haven't actually done anything wrong."

"Not yet," he muttered so softly she wasn't sure she had heard him correctly. "Regardless, my duty lies with her."

She lifted her chin, forcing herself to smile. "Of course. What's the point in fighting without something worth fighting for?"

The muscles around his eyes tightened imperceptibly. "Please, don't misunderstand. You know I treasure your friendship. These last few months have been difficult for us all, yet you've been nothing but patient and understanding. I hadn't expected to find a friend amidst the carnage of the war."

He hesitated for a moment before continuing. "It may sound absurd, but you're the first person with whom I've been able to let down my guard and open up to. In the Order we were taught to be reserved and prudent, any public display of emotion was generally discouraged. When I'm with you, however… I feel free. With you, I can't help but bare my soul, even if it's tarnished and conflicted." His face fell and his eyes seemed to beg for understanding.

"Cullen, you're not tarnished. You're loyal. She's a lucky woman. As am I. I'm honored to be your friend."

He looked off into the distance. In a hollow voice, he said, "No one has ever known me like you do." He glanced back at her. "I don't want to lose that."

"How could you?" she said simply. He smiled at her and she was surprised to find she could smile back even as her heart had shattered into pieces.

ooXXoo

Her eyes refocused on the gauntlet hanging slack in her hand as she came back to herself with a shake. "Stupid!" She slammed the gauntlet back on the desk. Pining over a married man on the eve of battle instead of preparing was probably going to get her killed. Nevertheless, that conversation with Cullen kept replaying in her mind.

In the intervening weeks, they had grown apart again, despite his protestations to the contrary. He had assumed an air of noble sacrifice and withdrawn from everyone. She did the only thing she could and gave him his space. Now it all seemed foolish when there was a chance they would die in the morning.

She stood up and started pacing, the plush Orlesian carpeting of her room muffling the restless click of her boots. In the year since she'd joined the Inquisition, she had stayed everywhere from dusty roadside camps to the most lavish castles in Orlais, and yet the pretensions of a chateau like this one still put her on edge.

Although she tried again to concentrate on the final onslaught in the morning, her strategies and supplies, instead her thoughts returned to the faceless woman who was probably sleeping soundly, with no notion of the danger Cullen was facing. "She hasn't even seen him in months. She has no idea. How can she still be the one?" she muttered. She knew she was being petty, but it made her feel a little better to give voice to her uncharitable thoughts.

"For all she knows, he could be dead after tomorrow!" she announced to the shiny gilded mirror. "For all she knows, she may never see him again. For all she knows…" She sighed and added more quietly, "I could never see him again." Her reflection watched her with sad eyes.

She plopped down on the ostentatious four-poster bed, almost losing her balance when it bounced her around unexpectedly. "Foolish Orlesian beds." She lay down flat and stared at the frescoed ceiling, the cheeky grins of its fat cherubs mocking her jealous idles.

She couldn't help but imagine fanciful scenarios where, having done their duty, she and Cullen could just disappear after all this was done. Let the world assume they had died and leave their responsibilities behind to be together. But, it was a ridiculous notion even if he returned her feelings. He would never shirk his duty nor would he ever leave his wife, a commitment he also viewed as a duty no matter if they were estranged. That wasn't the kind of man he was, which was both a blessing and a curse.

The lace and frills of the stuffy room suddenly stifled her. She had to get some fresh air.

She eventually made her way up to the darkened battlement atop the chateau. She took a deep breath. The autumn air was crisp and still, and the full moon high overhead shone down brightly. She moved toward the parapet when a sound in the shadows made her pause. She squinted and could just make out that she wasn't alone. Not interested in company, she turned to go.

"Please stay."

Her heartbeat sped up at hearing his voice. As her eyes started to adjust to the darkness, she could see Cullen step toward her, the moonlight picking out the golden blond in his curly hair. "You couldn't sleep either?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No. But, I'll go. I don't want to disturb you."

"You couldn't possibly disturb me," he said, smiling warmly. These days, he typically avoided being alone with her like this, so it puzzled her that he sounded so inviting. She peered at him in the moonlight trying to make out his mood.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm glad you're here," he said. "I... I was just thinking about you."

"Oh?" She tried to sound casual but inwardly she thrilled.

"I was thinking about what might come to pass tomorrow… if… if the worst were to happen."

"You certainly have a lot of faith in our abilities," she said in a feeble attempt to lighten the mood. He didn't even crack a smile in response.

"Anything could happen in the heat of battle, and it has made me realize a few things. I haven't been a very good friend to you."

She wet her lips nervously. "What makes you say that?"

"I know I've abandoned you these many weeks. I thought somehow if I kept my distance, that you would be better off, that I could remain faithful, assuage my guilt." He laughed unsteadily. "But we walk down this harrowing road, and I miss the warmth of you at my side. I sit in a crowded room, and it's empty if you're not there."

"I've missed you, too," she said quietly and he smiled in relief before continuing.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been selfish. I've taken many vows in my life and in many ways they've taken over my life. My commitment to my wife, it's something I can't foreswear."

"Of course," she said in neutral voice, fighting down the unexpected pang of jealousy she thought she'd mastered long ago. "I would never expect—"

"But that doesn't change how I feel about you," he interrupted.

After a beat, she asked cautiously, "What do you mean?"

"Through all the chaos and the struggle, the angry maelstrom that has become our lives, at its quiet center there's been… you. You are the one thing I've spent my life searching for. Deep down I've known, but I suppose… I just didn't want to admit it. And now…"

He walked away, rubbing a hand across his eyes. "You once said, 'What's the point in fighting without something worth fighting for?'" He turned back. "That is true. But, I'm not fighting for her. I'm fighting for you."

He paused, waiting for her respond for what seemed like an eternity. She could only stare at him, dumbstruck by this turn of events. The careful wall she'd built up where he was concerned teetered unsteadily.

Eventually, he frowned and added, "B-but, perhaps I have misunderstood the situation and maybe you feel nothing but friendship for me. O-or less. I just... felt that I needed to explain."

"Cullen," she said at last, her voice cracking. "How could you not know that you mean the world to me? The reason I couldn't sleep tonight, the reason I'm out here, is because I was thinking about you. Wishing… wishing things were different, simpler. I respect your commitment to her. I always have... and yet, a little piece of me dies every time I think of you with her." She felt her cheeks burn as she fought to keep her emotions in check.

He strode over to her and gripped her arms. "Don't. Please. I'm not with her tonight. Right now, in this fleeting moment, I am here with you."

"But not really," she said sadly.

He looked her in the eye, waiting until he had her complete attention. "It has to be enough. What I need you to understand is that… whatever happens tomorrow, you are what makes it all worth it to me."

He moved nearer, nearer than friendship warranted, and she had to tilt her head to look up at him. There was an intensity about him, in the tension in his body, the light in his eyes, that was more than just nerves before battle.

He raised his hand slowly to her face, lightly tracing the contours of her cheek with the heat of his fingertips and stopping just short of her lips. She gasped softly at the illicit touch and willed herself to remain perfectly still, unsure what he was going to do next.

He took her face gently in his hands, his determination slightly tinged with fear. His lips lifted into a tender smile and he gazed at her as if he held something precious. As if it was just the two of them in all the world.

He leaned even closer and her eyes fluttered shut in anticipation. She felt his lips brush a soft kiss against her brow, lingering a moment too long but still ending too soon. He pulled back only slightly, almost skimming his nose along hers. Their eyes locked.

"You are the one," he whispered. "I've never loved anyone but you. I needed for you to know. "

Then he shut his eyes tightly, like he was bracing himself against something painful, and touched his forehead against hers. They stood there in silence, not moving, so close that their breath mingled. His expression tightened. She longed to reach out, to comfort him, but knew it would be too much to bear. Finally, he tore himself away, pressing his lips to her brow once last time.

As he disappeared into the darkness, she whispered, "I love you, too… more than you'll ever know."

Fin