What's Happening?

Summary: The Starfleet Council isn't too happy to learn that Jim Kirk ran off while on suspension. However, they are a little busy trying to keep up with the fleet that answered the distress call from Vulcan. -OR- What the council was doing throughout the movie. Crack!fic

AN: Hi everyone! I know, I know, Star Trek: 2009 has been out for more than three years but I only discovered it (correction: my sister discovered it and dragged me down with her) a couple of months ago. So. Now that I have read hundreds of fanfics about it (why are these characters so amazing?) I'm trying my hand at writing. This is actually the second ST:09 fic I've written, I just have yet to post the first one since it's more than one chapter and has yet to be edited.

AN2: I haven't seen any of the TOS episodes, nor have I read any TOS fanfics (alright, maybe I have read one or two). So sorry if I offend any old-fashioned Trekkies out there (old-fashioned Trekkies is supposed to be affectionate ribbing.)

AN3: Thanks to FyreFlyte for reading this over for me. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, Star Trek:2009, Jim Kirk, Spock, or Admiral Archer (the only name of one of the Admirals whose name I pulled from the fanbase.)

Admiral Barnett scowled at the quivering security personnel in front of him.

"You mean to tell me that you let a cadet on board a ship that he wasn't assigned to?"

The poor man blinked rapidly, bravely standing at attention, and answered with a strong voice despite his quivering chin.

"Yes sir. He didn't look too good. He was being supported by Dr. Leonard McCoy, one of the head medical personnel assigned to the starship Enterprise. Dr. McCoy insisted that the cadet accompany him on board because he was in the middle of treating him for something. I have reason to believe the cadet was not bluffing his illness, sir, with how flushed and confused he was."

Barnett sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"Are you aware, ensign, that this cadet was on suspension?"

The man's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open comically upon hearing this bit of info.

"No sir, no I didn't," he spluttered. "If I had, sir, I most definitely would not have let him on board, sir."

Barnett dismissed the distressed officer with a week-long suspension, nothing too long considering he had been up against Jim Kirk. Kirk, the brilliant and skilled, yet unruly and unpredictable, son of one of the most famous captains in the history of Starfleet. Kirk, Captain Pike's prodigy, but the biggest troublemaker in the entire Academy complete with a questionable record, troubled background, and arrogant reputation. Shaking his head, McKinnon turned to address the rest of the council.

"Well admirals, it would appear that Cadet Kirk has jumped ship. Pun intended."

"And I'll bet anything Dr. McCoy pulled a few strings to bring Cadet Kirk down with whatever bug he got, and then patched him up good as new once on board," Admiral Archer growled, unconsciously snapping his writing stylus for his PADD in two. He growled again, and dug another out of his pocket. "He should be kicked out of the Academy for such insolence."

Before anyone else could comment, Admiral Quigly spoke from her position on the end of the row where she had been monitoring the progress of the fleet on the mission to Vulcan.

"Sir, we have just lost contact with Vulcan and all starships."

There was a rush as every council member not-so-dignifiedly hurried to see the monitor in front of Admiral Quigly. They waited in tense silence as her hands flew over the controls trying frequency after frequency searching in vain for their lost signals. Many minutes later, she sat back.

"I've tried all frequencies multiple times for all star ships. We-we will have to wait until one of them contacts us or we lock on to their signals again."

This announcement was met with various sounds of distress, including a curse from Admiral Archer as he broke another stylus.

"We should move to the command center where the mission is officially being monitored," someone suggested, and everyone hurried out of the auditorium.

A few hours later found a very stressed council pulling out what little hair they had. They still couldn't get a signal locked on any of the ships. Admiral Archer had broken three more styluses, a monitor screen, and Admiral McKinnon's favorite coffee mug.

"Sirs," a voice chimed from over the counsel, "there is a strange vessel hovering over the planet. It has ignored all our attempts to contact it."

"Try and patch us through again," Admiral McKinnon demanded.

"Sir, look!" someone cried, pointing out the window. Everyone rushed over and gaped in awe at what they saw. A great, metal disk hung down from the sky on a thick chain over San Francisco Bay, right next to the ancient Golden Gate Bridge and the Academy. As they watched, a beam of light shot out from the disk, narrowly missing the bridge, and started blasting into the water.

"Everybody evacuate!" Admiral Barnett shouted. "Sound the emergency alarm. We are under attack. This is not a drill!"

"Actually sir," someone piped up from the back, "It appears to be some sort of super-advanced drill. According to these readings from the sensors in the bay, the beam from that UFO is starting to cut into the planet's surface."

Admiral Barnett stared at the man in disbelief. "Not that kind of drill! Although, that's good to know. Now evacuate the school! And you," he said pointing to a random officer standing in the room, "keep trying to contact the fleet. Maybe they know what's happening."

He raced out of the room with the rest of the admiralty, leaving a very distressed officer behind.

"I'm a dentist, not a communication's officer," the officer complained to no one, borrowing a line from a cadet he had seen around the medical building.

Outside, cadets in red and commanders in black were running every which-way heading towards shelters and shuttles.

"We'll have to do the engaging this time," Admiral Quigly called out, "because most of the senior class is still on that mission!"

"How're we supposed to engage them when we don't know who they are or what they want?" Admiral Archer complained.

"Look!" someone shouted, "something's firing at the drill-thing!"

Everyone stopped and watched with growing horror as beams of light from a small ship high in the atmosphere blasted the chain holding the contraption in the sky. The column of light shooting from the drill disappeared, and the disk and chain plummeted toward the ground, again narrowly missing the bridge and anything else of importance, coming to land in the bay with an almighty splash.

There was silence for a moment, then everyone started talking at once.

"What the hell was that all about?"

"Was it supposed to do that?"

"Random much?"

"How are we going to get that out of the bay?"

"Does anyone know how to turn the evacuation emergency alarm off? My ear's hurt."

"That's one lucky bridge."

"Dang it! Not again!"

Everyone looked over at that. Admiral Archer had broken another stylus.

An hour later, a clean-up crew was attempting to fish the contraption out of the water and all students were back in class. The admiralty were back in the command center, gathered around a monitor.

"Sirs! The Enterprise's signal flashed across our scensors briefly. I'm focusing in on it now."

Everyone held their breath while the screen flickered.

"Hello?" came a slightly garbled voice. "Starfleet, do you copy?"

"Starfleet here, Enterprise. What the heck is happening?"

The signal finally locked, and the command center was presented with a shocking picture of their new flagship's bridge.

It didn't look new, not anymore at least, with cracks running up and down the sides and floor and ceiling. The young crew looked worn out and frazzled, but were at least smiling. Most shocking however was the sight of who was sitting in the captain's chair. Grinning tiredly, wearing all black, and looking extremely beaten up was none other than Jim Kirk, the run-away cadet. The admiralty gasped as one, and Archer cursed colorfully as he broke his PADD.

"Where's Captain Pike?" Admiral Barnett demanded, worry creeping it's way into his voice.

The smile fell from Kirk's face at that. "He's in surgery right now to remove the slug-thing Nero made him eat that latched on to his spinal cord."

"Excuse me?"

Kirk sighed. "It's a bit of a long story, sir."

"Understatement!" someone called from off-screen.

"Care to tell us, cadet? Because you may have forgotten that your future at Starfleet is in jeopardy, but we haven't," Barnett sniffed, reminding Kirk of his rightful place. He was surprised when everyone visible on the screen stiffened at that and glared at him, except Kirk who simply nodded. "I haven't forgotten sir," Kirk replied calmly. He leaned forward in the chair, touching his fingertips together in thought. "I have not prepared an official report yet," he admitted, "but we thought you should know as soon as possible; Vulcan's gone. So are all the other starships and their crews."

"What are you saying?" Quigly gasped, disbelief coloring her voice.

"I'm saying that planet Vulcan and most of its inhabitants got turned into a black hole by a crazy Romulan from the future named Nero. When the fleet you sent to help Vulcan got there, Nero blew them up." Kirk sighed. "The Enterprise is the only survivor."

Admiral Barnett had to sit down. So did most of the admiralty.

"Nero the crazy Romulan was going to blow up Earth next, but we stopped him," Kirk continued. "There's, um, another new black hole near Jupiter."

"What?" squawked Archer, "One ship managed to destroy this monstrosity that took out our whole fleet by itself?"

"Yup!" said Kirk happily, glancing fondly around at the rest of the bridge. "This crew performed amazingly, sirs. They kept their heads under extremely stressful situations and came up with and executed an extremely daring and complex plan. No one else could have done better, and without them Earth would gave been destroyed."

"We'll be expecting a full, extremely detailed report," Barnett said sternly. "And what of you, Kirk? How did you end up in this position? Where is Commander Spock?"

"I am here, Admiral," Spock said, standing up from his seat at the science officer's spot. "I...was emotionally compromised after the destruction of my home planet. Captain Kirk took control and performed admirably. I wish to withdraw my prior accusation that he learned nothing from the Kobayashi Maru for he has proven to me today through his actions that he knows fear, but simply does not submit willingly until he has exhausted all possible options, be they mutiny or cheating. This has proven itself to be a useful quality, as his actions saved our lives today."

It was safe to say that this proclamation shocked everyone who heard it. Kirk actually fell out of his seat.

"What?" he spluttered, scrambling to his feet, "I thought you hated me!"

Spock merely twitched his eyebrows, giving Kirk a look that implied that he still disliked him.

"Well," Admiral Quigly said, clapping her hands, "On that note, well done all of you. We'll see you in an hour or so if you're near Jupiter still."

"Oh, um about that," Kirk said nervously, fidgeting a bit, "we kinda had to eject the warp drives in order to escape getting pulled into the black hole too, so we're going on thrusters here. It's gonna be more like a few months."

Admiral Barnett actually face palmed at that. "We'll be expecting a damage report along with your mission report," he sighed. "Starfleet out."

The connection was cut, leaving the admiralty with the parting image of Kirk smiling hugely at a very resigned looking Spock.

"Well," said Admiral McKinnon. "I guess this means we can't throw him out of Starfleet."

"With all our losses today, we may have to make him a captain," Barnett said thoughtfully. There was a snap, and everyone looked over to see a shell-shocked Admiral Archer holding two halves of his most recent stylus.

"If Kirk's made captain, I may have to retire," he sighed, shaking his head. "What's this world coming to?"

So that's not my favorite ending, but oh well. What did you think? ;P