Part One: The Crumble

"You never know how strong you are until being

strong is the only choice you have."- Author Unknown

There is someplace I can always call home. At one time I thought home was place. I though I belonged in Abnegation with my parents and Caleb. Then when I transferred to Dauntless I thought I found my true home with Christina, Will, and Uriah. Only when Will died I realized I never really truly belonged to either of those factions. I never could; I'm divergent. I'm stuck in a nonexistent world where selfless and bravery and knowledge are equal. Now I know that home isn't a place; it's a person. For me, that person is Tobias.

I watch him sleep as I butter my toast and drink a cup of orange juice. His arm is dangling off of the couch, his fingers almost touching the floor. He's still in the clothes he wore yesterday and his weird sleeping position makes his shirt ride up to reveal a thin strip of skin. He didn't get home until late last night working on something in the control room and something tells me he could barely make it to the couch before passing out. Tobias looks peaceful and younger lying there and I want to let him sleep all day but he has to get up if he wants to keep his job in the control room.
I drink what's left of my juice then throw the glass in the sink. He stirs a little when I touch his arm and shake it a little. "Hey," I whisper. "Get up."
He groans and pulls his arm out of my grip. I almost laugh when I see him turn away from me and buries his face into the couch. He's definitely not a morning person.
"Tobias you're going to be late," I say trying not to laugh.
"I'm up," he slurs and I finally crack.
"Okay," I say, laughing, and take a bite out of my toast. "I'll believe it when I see it."
He doesn't answer and I roll my eyes. He's asleep again. I know I should pull him awake but I know how tired he must be from spending half the night trying to repair the security system and I cave. Some of his hair has plopped onto his forehead during the night and I push it back into place. I press my lips to his forehead in a quick kiss then hurry out the door.

I work in the kitchen most days with some of the Abnegation who moved here after the Erudite invaded their homes. I also volunteer in the hospital and help in the training center with Tobias. Right now we're training the Abnegation little things like how to shoot a gun and hand to hand combat. After the attack on Abnegation, the Abnegation were pretty shaken up. The Abnegation's homes were either burnt down or already ruined after the attack by the Erudite. They were confused and scared as they came into Dauntless. We are teaching them that fear makes you braver not weaker. So far they are doing a pretty good job of learning it.

I spend an hour and a half at the kitchen serving breakfast with some of the Abnegation. They are quiet but kind as they hand out portions to the Dauntless and Abnegation alike. Grief shoots through me when I think about how my mother and father would have been alive and serving with the other Abnegation if it weren't for me. Tears prick at my eyes but I push them back. I'm not about to get emotional when there is work to be done.

After my shift in the kitchen, I head down to the training center. When I walk through the doors, I am surprised to see Tobias up and teaching a girl who is a little younger than I am how to fire a gun. She shakes as she lifts the gun to the target and shoots. Tobias praises her when it hits the outside edge of the board. He doesn't notice me until I am almost right beside him. He's focused. When he looks up he smiles a little and says, "Hey, Tris." He tells the girl to holler to him if she needs more help with anything. He leaves her side and then comes over to me. We walk along the training room as we talk.

"How was serving today?" He asks.
"It was fine," I tell him. "It wasn't that busy today."
He stares into my eyes and stops for a second. "You know," he starts out slowly," if this is too hard on you-"
I roll my eyes. "I'm Dauntless. Serving plates is nothing."
He doesn't smile. "I'm serious, Tris. I don't want anything to happen."
I don't say anything. He doesn't outright say what he means but I can guess.

When we got back to Dauntless after the Abnegation fiasco, we spent a couple months just being around each other and making sure we wanted each other around. He asked me to marry him a couple months ago and, of course, I accepted. A month later, I found out I was pregnant. When I told Tobias, his initial reaction was shock. He didn't know what to think. When he didn't come back after three hours, I wandered around the compound looking for him until I saw him sitting in the training center. He was bent forward and running his hands through his hair and pinching he bridge of his nose. He didn't know what to think of the baby we made together. He still doesn't. We're both kind of still figuring it out together. Even so, he's become a little more protective lately. Little things like this let me know he is getting used to the idea of me being pregnant with his baby.

I lay a hand on his arm. "Tobias," I whisper so that only he and I can hear, "I'm fine."
He snorts. "I have no doubt of that."
I smack him and he just shakes his head laughing.

We part and I help a young woman who is around her mid-twenties how to aim at the target and then I help Susan, who is my friend and former neighbor, how to shoot a gun. I still can't hold one without feeling uncomfortable after shooting Will but at least I can hold one without breaking down which is more I could say two months ago.
" How are you?" Susan asks. It's a typical Abnegation greeting but I don't want to answer. I'm a mess. I've been having nightmares almost every night, Tobias and I struggle with keeping the baby a secret, and with the grief of all these deaths hanging over me it's almost too much to handle. But telling her all that would be awkward for both of us so I just say I'm fine. "How are you Susan? Do you like Dauntless?"
She aims and fires at the target hitting the edge. "I'm fine, thank you. I like it here. People are a little...outrageous but it's all right. Do you like it here, Tris?"
I nod, smiling. "It's my home," I say.

The kitchen is a mess. Baking powder, milk, eggs, and utensils cover every available tabletop. The Dauntless and Abnegation are baking a cake for the new initiates that will be coming to the Dauntless compound in a week. Before that though, they will travel through each compound and learn if they want to spend their time here. Tomorrow, the compound will be full of Candor students and it is our job to impress them enough to where they want to come here. This is just one of the many things that the new Dauntless leaders have initiated. After Eric and Max where executed, new leaders took their place and made Dauntless not so cruel. This is just a start.

I go into the refrigerator and pull out a tube of ice cream. Ever since I became pregnant, I have been craving ice cream and pickles. I stick a spoon into the ice cream and eat. It's two in the morning but I can't sleep. Nightmares about Will follow me everywhere I go. I can't escape him and I can't escape what I did to him. I'm scooping up another spoon of ice cream when I hear, "Tris."

I turn. Tobias stands in the threshold, his arms crossed and leaning against the door frame. This is not a good pose. This is Tobias the instructor pose with the same hardness in his eyes that he had when he held a gun to Peter's bead during training.

"Tobias," I greet him curtly.

"What are you doing in here?"

"What does it look like, Four?" I snap.

He sighs and comes towards me. "You can't eat that crap all the time." He takes the ice cream from me and puts it in the fridge. "Why are you in here?" he asks.

"Well, I was eating ice cream but then you came in here."

He crosses his arms again and says," You know that's not what I meant."

I sigh knowing he's going to get his way again. "I had a nightmare."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

I shrug, look down at the floor, and blink back tears that are threatening to reappear.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. I do not want to relive Will's death one more time. Instead I grab his shirt, pull him to me, and press my lips to his. It's heaven and everything melts away. His hands ghost over my shoulders and then he lifts me up and sets me on the counter. Instantly, I feel like I sat on something. I unhook my lips from Tobias' and hop off the counter. The cake that is- was- supposed to be for the Candor student's arrival is squished and sunken in.

"Oh. My. God." I hop off the counter and look at the mess. " Oh my God, oh my God."

"Tris, calm down."

"Calm down? Tobias, they spent days working on this. I'm not even supposed to be in here. Oh my-"

Tobias slams a handful of cake into the right side of my face. My mouth is open wide as I hiss a him," What was that, Tobias?" I grab a fist of chocolate cake and fling it at him and it hits him square in the face. He wipes the cake away from his eyes and says laughing,"Ok, Tris. Game on." It takes awhile but eventually I'm laughing so hard tears are rolling down my face. We have cake all over our clothes and faces and Tobias has frosting his hair.

I waltz over to him and kiss him."Mm. Tobias, I never knew you could taste so good."

He laughs and pulls away." Ha ha. Very funny Tris."

He kisses my neck, my cheek, and then he ends with my lips saying,"You don't taste too bad yourself."

After we clean ourselves off, I talk Tobias into making another cake with me. One of his secret talents is actually frosting stuff. He's ridiculously good at it. We spend the rest of the night mixing batter and frosting the cake until the cake is finished. This cake looks so much like the last cake you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference if you didn't look too close. "Well done, Beatrice Prior." I laugh. This is kind of a special occasion. Still there was something that needed to be corrected.

"Eaton. Beatrice Eaton."

"Not yet," Tobias says.

"Not yet," I agree. " But almost.