.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Scars
by DeepBlueSomewhere
-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Author's Note
-0-0-0-0-0-0-
First of all, an update on Perfect Strangers: Coming soon! Vague I know, but we're coming down the homestretch on that one. Maybe two more chapters? I'll be finishing it soonish, I swear.
One-Shots: This one kind of came out of the blue, but the other two I promised you are still very much in the works. One is almost done, actually, and I'll give you a hint: It's actually much longer than a one-shot.
Moving on.
I usually don't do these five-and-one's, but this one just kind of wrote itself, honestly. I've been going through a lot emotionally lately, and writing some of it out even indirectly proved quite cathartic.
I will try to explain.
I wrote in an update on Perfect Strangers that I was going to be joining the United States Military; the Coast Guard, specifically. I thought you all deserved an update on that front, considering how patient you've all been and how many of you rejoiced with me when I shared this news (which was extremely touching, by the way).
I spoke with my recruiter recently and finally addressed the concern which has been most pressing to my mind.
I have scars.
I have scars for the same reasons that Jim has scars, though obviously I had neither a heroic Captain for a father, nor an abusive stepfather.
I had instead an abusive grandfather, and an extremely oblivious family. I was under the impression when I was quite young that I was protecting them. More than ten years later, I'm still paying for things I didn't understand, and I have a mess of scars to show for it. Scars that are permanent and unsettling and so obviously intentional.
As it turns out, these same scars—the ones that have driven me so hard and so far to protect others—may keep me from doing just that.
If I decide to continue in this career path, a decision that is currently on hold while I wrestle with my own fears and cowardice, I will have to undergo intense psychiatric screening and will be closely examined on a deeply emotional level. Considering this is territory into which I do not venture with even my closest friends, the prospect is horrifying. The results of the psychological profiling may disqualify me from military service forever, and my self-confidence is already fragile enough without an official stamp of judgment on it. So I'm still chewing on that, and you will be the first to know if and when I do take the plunge. Even if I go ahead with it, nothing will actually happen for perhaps six months to a year, so... we'll see.
The long and the short of it is that I have no idea what is happening from here on out. I also have no idea why I felt the need to share all of that, except to explain what was going through my mind as I wrote this story.
Then again, maybe I do know why I felt the need.
The point is, no-one is alone. No matter how horrible you feel, or how depressed you are, or how difficult life may seem at the moment. There is someone out there who has gone through it and lived, and to me, that is what scars are. Proof that you survived.
If anyone out there has ever struggled with self-harm, abuse, depression, or thoughts of suicide, I invite you to write to me. I can NOT fix your problems. I CAN offer you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen, and a very real expression of sympathy and love for you. I never had those things growing up. Much like Jim, I was completely alone, with nowhere to turn and no-one to talk to. To this day, no-one ever knew what was happening to me. I can't stomach the thought of any of you feeling that way when I am just a click or two away from you and willing to listen. Maybe that's too much to ask for you to actually get in contact, but if you're reading this at all, maybe with no intention to write or respond, and it means something: then I will feel more than satisfied.
I love you all, even though I don't really know you. That means you are loved, and love is the fuel that gets you through those long nights and dangerous temptations when the negativity and pain is all you can hear.
So please stay strong, because you are not alone.
I'll be done now. Thank you again for reading, and encouraging me through your support and presence; simply by reading. It means more than you know.