Author's note: Naw. Last chapter already (: So sad. Haha. Thanks, guys, for all of your reviews! They really mean a lot to me (:
I was going to leave this fic with a depressing ending, but then I thought, "Even I'm not that mean." So, yup. Happy ending... kind of. Ah, just read it. (:
Please review this last chapter~

~Rainbow Fruit Loop x

~Forever and Always~
Chapter Three

Mello lies on the large, empty bed, his glossy golden hair splayed out around him like halo.

But he doesn't feel like an angel. A fallen angel, perhaps, but not a pure one.

Not a proper one.

Mello feels heinous, malignant, perverse, devilish.

He feels evil.

Because he shouldn't have let Matt go.

Not when he needed Matt, and Matt needed him.

With an angry frustration, Mello rolls over, and buries his face into his pillow.

He breathes deeply, inhaling the fading scent of smoke.

Mello feels lonely on the large bed without Matt's warm, soft body pressing into his. He doesn't lying alone; the space beside him feels unnatural. He doesn't like being able to stretch out as far as he can; the only thing he can feel being ruffled-up duvets, cold blankets and strangely crisp sheets.

He's slept next to Matt for far too long; as long as he can remember, in fact. And now that Matt's gone, Mello hasn't slept for over a week.

The apartment smells like alcohol; drowning his sorrows in vodka is second nature to Mello.

But he misses the smell of the thick, lazy smoke that was Matt.

And no amount of alcohol can make him forget that.

Of course Mello hates Matt for forcing him to choose between himself and Near. Of course he hates that he had to choose between the two things most important to him.

And of course he hates himself for making the wrong decision.

But now, he realises how important the decision was to Matt. And he honestly hadn't realised that he had been neglecting his redheaded lover.

He was just so busy.

If he could go back in time - to one week ago, to be precise - Mello would. And he would make sure that he would grab Matt by his shirt – that black and red striped shirt that Mello loves so very much – and pull their lips together in a clash of passion and lust and love.

He would make sure that the only words he would utter would be: "I choose you, you sappy fool. I love you, Matty."

But, of course, those sorts of sappy, romantic scenes only ever happen in stupid, predictable, but admittedly heart wrenching chick-flick type movies.

The type of movie that Mello and Matt would watch curled up on the large sofa together – a bag of extra-buttery, half-cooked (Mello loves eating the kernels by themselves) popcorn between them – both men teasing the sappiness of it all.

The type of movie which would end with Matt laughing at the ridiculousness of everything until he couldn't breathe. The type of movie which would end with Mello realising how lucky he was to have such a great guy at his side.

The type of movie that Mello wishes was real life. The type of movie, where, although you know that the protagonist will make a stupid mistake, you know that they'll always be forgiven in the end, and that they'll get the person of their dreams.

The type of movie where everything works out in the end.

But real life isn't quite so forgiving.

Mello doesn't quite know how long he lies on the bed, thinking, remembering, wishing, dreaming, but eventually he sits up, and rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

He doesn't remember falling asleep.

He glances down at his body, and frowns at nothing in particular.

He's wearing his tight, scruffy black jeans (no leather today; he's not feeling brave enough), a black shirt, his favourite dark red jacket with the white fur around the hood, and his fluffy black ugg boots with the little pompoms on them.

Mello looks painstakingly beautiful, and it's no wonder that people look at him and dream of doing wicked, wicked things to him.

And it's in that moment that the hideously obvious realization hits him.

Mello can't face the world without Matt by his side.

He doesn't bother to change his footwear before he runs out of the apartment; the only change in his outfit being the large black glasses he's wearing to stop people from knowing who he is.

He doesn't bother to make sure that the door is properly locked before he races out into the hallway, and comes to a skidding halt at the elevator.

He hits the 'down' button on the wall with an unnecessary force, and waits, waits, waits, as the elevator slowly makes its way upwards from one of the lower floors.

Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Finally, the doors open with a 'ping', and Mello races inside, fingers scrambling desperately at the large metal buttons.

The way down seems like an eternity to Mello; time has a way of slowing down when he needs it to hurry up.

It reminds Mello of something Matt used to say to him.

"You race through life with an impulsive recklessness, making sure that you do everything to the extreme, not worrying about the end result. You don't worry about crashing at the end; you don't worry about falling and burning. You live life to its fullest, but you need to slow down, Mels. Life is short, and you need to be here, with me, for as long as you can."

How could he have ever let someone as breathtaking as Matt go?

He's stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Because Mello needs Matt. He needs Matt to tell him when it's okay to stop; when it's okay to slow down and enjoy the view. He needs Matt to remind him that, when he's doing something dangerous, he could be killed because life is unfairly short.

Mello needs Matt to help him when he does crash.

Mello's off running again as soon as the elevator comes to a stop. He knows where he's going; he knows where Matt will be hiding.

He's running through the overcrowded, dusty streets of L.A., ignoring the anxious glances he's receiving from random people wandering down the streets like they have all day.

All he cares about is reaching Matt.

Fuck… I hope he forgives me….

As he runs, a young woman steps out in front of him. Without any hesitance, Mello violently pushes her to the side, causing her to fall over onto the cobble stoned street.

"Out of my fucking way!" he screeches.

Mello knows that he's beyond hysterical now, but he can't help it.

Time really is moving too slowly.

And he's running as though his life depends on it.

But he thinks that maybe it does.

Finally, Mello stops for breath as he reaches the stairs descending to Matt's hideout. The hideout is in the basement of an abandoned warehouse; away from any prying eyes.

Breathe, Mello.

Mello's nervous. He's scared of what Matt will say to him, and what Matt might do to him.

But, then again, Matt's always been a bit of a passive aggressive.

Mello takes another deep breath, and descends the staircase; one step at a time.

He's moving as slow as humanly possible.

But, when he reaches the bottom of the staircase, he notices a piece of paper folded up and shoved through the bottom of the door.

He can see the letter 'M' written on it in Matt's slightly messy handwriting.

Mello frowns, and bends down to pick it up. His heart is beating in his throat; and for an unexplainable reason, his insides are doing somersaults.

Why's there a letter here… for me?

Mello rips open the letter, and what he reads breaks his heart.

Because it's a suicide note.

'Mels,

I know that you'll be the one to find me and this letter, because no one else knows where my hideout is. So I'm addressing my last words to you.

I've probably made a bit of a hasty decision. But you've known me long enough to understand that… I'm weak. Deep down, buried underneath my tough, smartass façade, I'm weak. I've done what I think I needed to do, and I'm truly sorry if my decision hurts you.

When I asked you to choose between myself and Near, I swear I wasn't doing it to be an asshole. It's just… I really needed to know how important I was to you. 'Cause I didn't like feeling like I came second in your life. It made me so lonely, Mello.

Like I said when you asked me, though, I don't really know why I thought you'd choose me. Maybe I just thought that my love for you was strong enough to tie us together for the rest of our lives? I guess I was wrong, huh? I always was a hopeless romantic. And you know that more than anyone.

But, after recent events, I've come to realise that I love you more than you love me. And it hurts me to have come to this conclusion. To think that you'd rather win your one-sided competition with Near than to be happy with me… It hurts, Mels. It makes me feel so empty, and so cold inside.

By this point - hell, that's if you're even still reading my nonsense - you're probably wondering what's with all the dramatics. You're probably thinking to yourself, 'Toughen up, Matt, and get a fucking life.' I know you too well, Mels. Or rather, knew you too well.

It's just… The thought of taking on the world without you terrifies me, Mels, and I'm just too scared to try. Because I could be anywhere in the world, but I'd choose to be with you, because life is just better with you by my side.

I would be lying if I told you that I didn't love you anymore – I love you more than you know. But I need to get out, Mels. I need to escape from this life.

So, this will be the last time you will hear from me. Try to forget about me – be strong. Be the man I fell in love with. But… if you can't forget, then remember all of the good times; the sweet, sweet moments we shared together. That's what I'll be thinking about in my last minutes.

Mels, I'm genuinely sorry that you didn't choose me. And I'm also sorry that I'm not brave enough, nor strong enough to forgive and forget what you did. Or rather, what you didn't do.

I love you.

M. Jeevas.'

Mello stares at the slightly crumpled white letter blankly. His hands are shaking, and his chest feels tight.

Is this…? What's he trying to…? Has he…?

Mello's mind can't form a coherent sentence.

Of course this… this… this suicide note can't be real; Matt can't be gone. That's just stupid. Matt wouldn't have… wouldn't have… killed himself… because of what I did…

…Would he?

No…

No!

Mello reads the letter again; trying to comprehend what it means; trying to find the hidden messages inside.

But deep down, he knows that Matt is serious. Matt wouldn't joke about something as severe as death.

Mello's breaths start coming out in short, sharp pants.

He thinks that maybe he's having a panic attack.

And then he gasps, and clutches at his chest, nails digging into the soft skin, leaving behind deep red marks.

Because it hurts so much.

His heart is breaking; and it's a deep, agonizing, excruciatingly insufferable pain.

It's the type of pain that makes him want to scream, and scares him that he's not.

"Matt!" he screeches. "Oh my God, Matt!" He bangs his fists on the wooden door, and he tries to ignore the fact that he's trembling.

Bang, bang, bang.

He continues to pound on the door, his fists becoming raw and sore.

Bang, bang, bang.

"For Fuck's sake, Matt! Open up!" Mello shrieks, even though he knows his attempts are futile. "What the hell are you doing? Matt!"

When punching at the door gives no result, Mello raises his leg – fluffy ugg boots and all - and kicks hard at the door.

He probably shouldn't be kicking Matt's door down, but right now he's too scared, too upset, and too hysterical to think logically.

After a few well-aimed kicks, the door crashes to the slightly dusty floor, and Mello streaks into the room.

He immediately notices Matt.

And the blood.

Oh… my… God…

Mello gives a frightened whimper, and races over to where Matt's lifeless body is draped over the sofa.

He's fucking serious.

Mello immediately notices that the blood is coming from the deep slashes in both of Matt's wrists.

Fuck… I… I did this to Matty… It's all my fault.

Gently, yet with a blazing urgency, Mello lifts Matt's right arm up, and attempts to wipe away the blood. It's thick, and red, and warm, and it's refusing to stop flowing.

What do I do…?

Oh fuck. What the hell do I do?

The only thing that keeps Mello from giving up is the fact that Matt's still bleeding. Because he wouldn't still be bleeding if he was dead… would he?

He still has a chance.

Because Matt can't die.

But Mello doesn't know what to do. Matt cared for him so tenderly in the aftermath of the explosion, but Mello has no clue what to do in order to save his best friend; his lover; his soul mate.

He's hopeless.

It's all my fault that Matt's going to die.

Oh, shit.

So, Mello does what he does best.

He improvises.

Mello grabs a handful of his black shirt, and rips at the fabric. He then wraps the fabric tightly around Matt's wrist, and does the same on the other wrist.

That should stop Matt from bleeding out…

Otherwise…

He doesn't want to think about it.

Mello then wraps his pale arms around Matt's bloody body, and buries his face in Matt's hair, knowing that he can't do anything else.

He can't call the ambulance – the same way that Matt couldn't call the ambulance after the explosion – because then the police would get involved.

It is an attempted suicide, after all.

And then… they'd both be found out.

And then everything would be over.

Mello's body trembles with dry sobs, and he clutches at the beaded rosary hanging around his neck like his life depends on it.

"Oh, God, Matt… Please don't be dead… Don't die… I need you. Matt, I made a mistake. I was wrong. I need you, Matty… Don't go…"

For the first time in his life, Mello is truly, truly terrified. The stabbing fear cuts at his very core, and he wants to curl up and cry.

Because, although he's been scared, Mello's never been terrified.

Not even when he found out that L was dead, and he realised that he was alone – save for Matt - in the wide, wide world. Not even when he joined the Mafia; knowing that the life was tough, and the lifespan short. Not even when he made the decision to blow up his hideout; even though he knew that he could die in the resulting explosion.

No. Mello's been scared, but never terrified.

Not until now.

"Matt…" Mello whimpers, his voice barely over a whisper. "Oh, fuck, Matt. What have you done to yourself? Don't be dead… I'll fix this, I swear. I'll make it all better…" he promises, even though Matt's not conscious. "I swear, I'll save you, and fix my mistake…"

He may not even be alive.

Mello holds Matt's body closer to himself, not even really noticing – and much less caring – that the dark red blood all over Matt's body is ruining his favourite red jacket.

His eyes sting with a burning sensation; he needs to cry, but the tears stubbornly refuse to fall.

But then, as Mello pulls Matt's chest tighter against his own, he feels it.

It's vague, but it's there.

A heartbeat.

Matt…?

"Matt? Can you hear me? Matt?" Mello whispers. "Are you alive, Matt?"

And then Mello hears something. It's quiet, and harmonious, and the most beautiful sound in the whole entire world.

"…Mello…?"

And before Mello can help it, the glistening tears are falling. They're running down his face, and dripping off his chin; falling onto Matt's cheeks.

Mello's gasping with a breathless relief, trembling with intense emotion.

It's strange, though. Because Mello always considered crying to represent something painful and miserable, but, right now, he feels happier than he ever has before.

"Matt… You're alive? Oh, God, Matty, I thought I'd lost you…" Mello chokes. "Don't do that to me ever again…"

There's a bit of a silence, and then Matt opens his emerald eyes slowly, blinking at the harsh light.

"Is this… a dream?" he breathes. "You look like… You look like an angel, Mels. Am I dead?"

Mello's bottom lip trembles, and he pulls Matt's body closer.

"No, Matty. You're not dead. I'm real. I came back for you. Everything's going to be fine." Mello tries to whisper comforting words. "Everything's going to be fine."

Anything to make it better.

"I didn't… didn't think you cared…" Matt murmurs slowly.

Mello's jaw drops open, and he's overwhelmed by guilt.

"You don't think that I'd care if you killed yourself? Of course I fucking care, Matt…" Mello whimpers, horrified that Matt would think something like that.

In this moment, Mello hates himself.

"I made such a stupid mistake, Matt… I love you more than anything." Mello whispers.

But there's silence, and Mello realises that Matt's drifting in and out of consciousness.

"Come on, Matty, wake up." Mello demands, his heart beating furiously.

What if I'm too late? What if he's going to die?

But then Matt opens his eyes again – it's such a struggle, because the pain is unbearable; it's stabbing, stabbing, stabbing - and Mello breathes a sigh of relief.

"It's so… so dark, Mels. So dark."

"I know, Matty. But you're going to be fine." Mello assures him with an uneven voice. "You won't die. I promise you'll be fine."

But he thinks that maybe he's lying.

"I'm not… I'm not talking about dying, Mels." Matt says.

Mello frowns, and pulls back from Matt, confusion obvious in his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Mello asks softly.

"Knowing that you didn't… didn't need me anymore… It was so dark, and so cold… That's why… That's why I…" Matt breaks off to nod at his wrists. "I wanted to disappear. Because I'm nothing without you, Mels."

Those simple words break Mello's heart. Matt sounds so sad, so pathetically vulnerable, and Mello can't believe that it's all his fault.

"But I do need you." Mello's voice cracks, and crystal tears threaten to spill over again. "I made a mistake, Matt. I do need you. Please… please forgive me… You're my everything. Because when I'm with you, life's better than dreams. You're the yin to my yang, the blood to my veins, the… I don't know… the cocoa to my chocolate, or whatever other simile-like shit you can think of. We're… forever and always, remember? Because I promise to love and to cherish you until death do us part. I won't make the mistake of letting you go again. Because we're meant to be together as long as we both shall live…"

Matt chuckles dryly, and his eyes slip closed.

He's tired.

"You don't know… how much I wanted to hear you say that… But… You make it sound like we're… like we're getting married or something."

"Alright." Mello says simply.

Matt opens his eyes again - ignoring the little voice in his head telling him that he's tired and that he needs to drift off into a dark, blurry state of unconsciousness.

And Mello can't be serious… can he?

"Are you… You're not… Are you serious? What are you saying?"

Mello bends forwards, and delicately presses his lips to Matt's slightly blood-stained ones.

"Only if you forgive me, Matty."

Matt gives a warm, slightly nervous smile. Because he's still scared that, maybe, just maybe, Mello might be joking.

Because Mello can be wickedly cruel sometimes.

But Matt knows that, after Mello's heartbreaking speech, he can't let everything end. Because it's like Mello said… They're meant to be together as long as they both shall live. Because fate wouldn't have given them a second chance if that wasn't the case… right?

"… I forgive you, Mels. I can't live without you, anyways."

Mello smiles.

"Marry me, Mail Jeevas."

And Matt grins; a smile so bright, that it lights up the room, and Mello can't help but to laugh, in spite of the still-present gravity of the situation.

Because, even though the crimson blood is still drenching Matt's shirt, staining Mello's jacket, and splattered on the floor, everything's changed.

Because, although the deep slashes in Matt's wrists symbolise the wound in their relationship, both men know that bloody scars heal and eventually fade into nothingness.

"Yes, Mels. …I'll marry you."

And, in that moment, Mello knows that everything will be alright.

Matt's not going to die; not now that they both have something to live for.

…Because they're forever and always.