Fault Line: Chapter 7

...

He had spent the last several hours going over and over what Sam had said. He couldn't go to sleep and he didn't want to. He felt different, lighter and free of some of the darkness that had been haunting him and clinging to him since that day. For some reason he was hungry, so he got up and went in search of the kitchen. Maybe Austin had leftovers in the fridge he thought, and his mouth watered in anticipation. It took some searching, but he finally found it and when the lights blinked on, he was surprised at the size of the room. It was almost bigger than his apartment. Large windows and a French door looked out over a stone patio and the garden and he wondered if someone had watched him from here. He wouldn't be surprised if Hetty had been keeping an eye on him; she looked out for all of them, probably more than they knew. Although after this he would never doubt her concern for him again and that gave him a great deal of comfort. His feelings for her had grown deeper and he knew he would do anything for her. She was special to him and he never wanted to lose that connection with her.

As he rummaged in the fridge he heard someone enter the room behind him and he was instantly on alert and felt a quick flash of anxiety and vulnerability surge through him as he jerked upright and quickly turned, his heart pumping hard.

"Still jumpy?" Callen asked with a quick knowing smile.

He felt the air in his lungs release and felt his hand shake, realizing he had automatically reached behind him for the gun he was no longer allowed to carry.

"Yeah, I guess so." He smiled briefly but still held himself tight, not sure if he was ready to get into things with Callen just yet.

"I came looking for a sandwich," Callen said. "Anything look familiar in there?"

"There's a ham," he said and relaxed as he turned back in search of food.

"Any Swiss cheese?" Callen asked as he slowly wandered over on bare feet.

They pulled out everything they would need for a midnight snack, even though it was a lot earlier in the morning, and silently made themselves sandwiches, neither one looking at the other. He had never spent any time alone with Callen one on one and wasn't sure what to say. Before the shooting, he would talk all the time to cover up any silences that came up. It was a bad habit he'd developed to cover up his insecurities, but nowadays he just wanted to keep to himself unless someone forced him into conversation. He'd had a lot of that over the last couple of days and he was tired, so he hoped Callen would just let him be.

They ate in silence and he felt the muscles in his body ease and release some of the tension. He was bare-chested and noticed Callen looking at the bandages that still covered his wounds.

"When do you get the stitches out?" Callen asked as he picked at a couple of small pieces of ham on his plate.

"Not sure, and haven't asked," he answered.

"Are you still in a lot of pain?" he asked, turning to look at him, his brows knitted with concern.

"A little. Like now. I haven't taken any meds since lunch, so they're beginning to burn quite a bit," he said, not looking at him.

Callen got off the stool and walked around the counter and out of the room in the direction of his room, and he was baffled. When he came back he handed him a couple of pain pills and drew him a glass of water. He was stunned by the kindness.

"When I finally managed to pull Commander Reynolds away and got a look at you, I was scared to death and so were Sam and Kensi." Callen sat back down and stared at his plate as he talked. "The exit wound was ragged and you were covered in blood. God, there was a lot of blood. It was coming out of your mouth and nose and I honestly thought you were gonna die right then, before the ambulance ever got there. Sam said the bullet had gone through your lung so he didn't want to lay you down, afraid you'd drown in your own blood, so he held you up while I pressed a towel into the wound in your back and he did the same to your chest. Kensi just kept saying your name and yelling at Eric about the ambulance."

"Sounds ugly, but I don't remember any of it," he shivered at the images those words painted in his mind. He had never thought about being shot that day and he never dreamed about it either. "The only thing I can remember is seeing the look on all of your faces when they were loading me into the ambulance. It looked like you were angry at me for letting the boy get shot."

"We were angry, Deeks. But not at you." Callen's eyes brightened with tears and his mouth worked hard on the words. "We were angry at ourselves for not being there for you. We let the shooter get by us and all of our security, and you and Jamie paid for it. I messed up, Deeks, and when I saw you sitting there, covered in blood, I thought I had gotten both of you killed. I'm sorry. I let you down."

Callen gripped his shoulder hard and he could see the anguish in his eyes and he was shocked. He was beginning to realize that the others were as traumatized as he was over what had happened. The fact that Callen thought he had let him down was mind blowing. He didn't know what to say and they just sat there staring at each other, reliving the terror of that day in their minds and the sadness of its aftermath.

"But I don't blame you, Callen. And I don't blame Sam or Kensi, either." he finally said. "It was my job to protect him. That's what I was there for, and I didn't do that. I know now that I did my best and that I tried to protect him, but I failed. And that's on me."

"But not on you alone, Deeks," Callen's face colored with anger. "We're a team, and we succeed or fail as a team. On that day our team failed the boy and we failed you, too."

"I still made a mistake," he said dropping his head and staring down at his hands. "If I hadn't gone swimming with him I would have heard the shooter in time."

"Sam said you believed that," Callen said softly. "The thing is, Deeks, you almost made it. I watched the security footage and you did notice something and got out of the pool. You were looking toward the shooter and reaching for your gun when he started firing. It all happened so fast and you reacted fast. Within seconds you'd grabbed your weapon and had the boy out of the pool and were almost to safety when you were hit. A few seconds either way and you would have made it. Deeks, I'm not sure you would have survived if you hadn't gone swimming."

"What do you mean?" he asked curiously. He had never looked at the security footage. Seeing himself get shot wasn't high on his list of entertainment options. And his recurring nightmares provided all the images he needed of that awful day.

"Deeks, this guy was a top notch shooter. If you had been sitting quietly, watching Jaime, there was no way he wouldn't have taken you out first. You would have been an easy target."

He had never considered that before and he suddenly gasped at the stark truth of it. It made perfect sense for the shooter to eliminate the boy's bodyguard first and then take his time shooting the boy. It's what the shooter had in mind all along. He had wanted the Commander to suffer and killing his son had always been his goal. It had been the threat in all of his letters.

"We should never have let him go to the pool, Callen," he said.

"You're right and I was responsible for that mistake, not you Deeks," Callen hung his head and it was Deeks turn to comfort him. He put his hand gently on his arm and they sat in silence together.

The pain of that day would take a long time to fade, but he knew now that he wasn't alone in his sorrow or in his feeling of failure. Hetty had been right; failure did change you. It had reminded him that he was just a human being and a fallible one, just like everyone else. He had always thought of Callen as the perfect agent and the perfect leader, and he was most of the time. But no one, not even Callen, was perfect every time it counted. He looked over at the senior agent and could see the loss of the boy had taken a toll on him as well and a feeling of fellowship flooded through him. He didn't feel alone anymore. Now he was sharing the heavy burden of sorrow and that made it easier to bear.

"How do we go on from here, Callen?"

"We learn from our mistakes and we go on together, as a team." Callen said. "We lean on each other and draw strength from each other and we heal together."

"You're starting to sound like Sam," he said with a small smile.

"Or Hetty," Callen said.

...

Epilogue

...

In the two months following the shooting the team bonded on a deeper level than he had thought possible. Their failure as a team had brought them closer together and he was thankful for each one of them. They had spent days together in the garden of Hetty's home, eating incredible meals made by Austin Fellers, and going over what had happened on the operation, and arguing out the details and supporting one another. He had seen a sense of longing in Austin during that time and had spoken with him about it. Austin told him how lucky he was to have such a tight team, revealing that he had been entirely on his own during his assignment in Yemen and when he was brought home, only Hetty had been there to help him get back on his feet. When he had mentioned that to the others, they had each made it a point to spend time with Austin and include him in whatever they were doing as a group. By the end of the time they spent there, Austin seemed to have returned to being the character he fondly remembered.

He still carried the sorrow of losing the boy close to his heart; they all did. But with each of the team's help he had managed to deal with what he still saw as his failure and move past it. Now he was returning to duty, and even if restricted, he found he was looking forward to the job.

"Hey Deeks, you look like you've put on some weight," Eric said as he walked into the bullpen.

"Are you calling me fat, Eric?" he asked.

"No, but you look a hundred times better than you did," Eric said hesitantly, and he smiled at him, letting him off the hook.

He had just put his stuff down when Callen motioned for him to follow him into the gym. Kensi rubbed him gently on the back and gave him a brilliant smile as she tagged along.

The first water balloon hit him square in the face, followed quickly by two more, soaking his new shirt and jeans. Callen was laughing so hard he fell down and Kensi was giggling like a kid as she moved out of the line of fire and went to stand behind Sam, who was tossing a fourth water balloon back and forth between his hands with a wicked smile on his face.

"Payback, baby, payback," Sam said as he launched the balloon toward him. He ducked quickly back out the door just as Hetty was coming in to see what was going on. The water balloon exploded on her chest, drenching what was surely a very expensive suit. He peeked around the corner to see Sam with a look of shocked surprise on his face and his hands up in front of himself as Hetty advanced toward him.

He began laughing hysterically as Sam backpedaled and tried to explain to his soaking wet and angry boss that he was just getting even for his broken nose. Hetty reached down a picked up one of the remaining balloons and fired a direct hit on Sam's retreating back and the free-for-all began. By the time all of the water balloons had found there marks the team was thoroughly sopping wet and laughing.

Hetty was walking out when she turned to the team. "We have a case, ladies and gentlemen, so I suggest you get changed and clean this mess up before coming up to Ops. And Mr. Hanna? You owe me a new suit."

All in all, he thought it was a great first day back.

...

Thanks to all of you for following this story and for your encouraging comments and reviews. You always challenge me to be a better writer and your kind words keep me working at it.