The Conversation

Chapter 1, A one way song

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: Castle and the characters on Castle are owned by Andrew Marlow, and the suits at ABC/Disney. Although Mickey Mouse and I have been buds for over 40 years, I still don't receive any money from my stories…despite the many e-mails Mickey's sent me saying how much he likes my writing.

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He nodded his head and said, "I thought so."

She'd been staring at her feet, afraid of what she'd see or hear, but when he said that her eyes flew up to meet his. "You did?" she asked.

His face held a somber expression but there was no pain there. No hurt. No anger. His eyes still held that openness they had before she started to speak. The honest emotion was still there, but there was a seriousness in them now.

"I knew the minute you looked up at me in the hospital. When Josh kissed your head your reaction wasn't that of a girlfriend. Your body language said you didn't want him there, and you didn't want him kissing you. So yeah, I knew the moment your eyes met mine."

"But you never…"

"No, I didn't, because the ball was in your court, if I'm allowed an overused metaphor."

"I really didn't know what to say then. I was so happy to see you, and know you were alright." She shook her head slightly and said, "They told me you were ok, but I needed to know, I needed to see for myself and when I did, there was so much inside that wanted to come out but I just didn't know where to start."

He sighed and said, "So you ran."

"Yes. Yes I did. It's not something I will ever be at peace with because I hurt you so badly when I did that."

She searched his eyes for any sign of the hurt, of the pain she caused last summer and saw that there was still some there. She put her hand out and lightly caressed his cheek, "I never wanted to hurt you and I never, ever want to again, but…"

"But we can never make that promise Kate. I can never promise you that something I do or say won't ever hurt you, and you can't promise that to me either."

"I know Rick." At his look of surprise she smiled and said, "What, I can't call you Rick?"

He shook his head and smiled back saying, "It's just that every time you said my name you were pretty upset with me."

"Used to be. In my mind you've been Rick since Roy's funeral, and even more after I was shot."

Remembered pain and sorrow showed in his eyes as he said, "Kate…"

She put two fingers on his lips and said, "Shhh. I know, but we really need to talk. You were right that night when you said we never talk about important things. You were so very right and I was angry that you knew me so well, knew that I was scared and afraid to let myself go…afraid to let you in."

She stopped speaking and took his hand, leading him to the couch. As he sat down, he saw a few dog hairs, Golden Retriever, and said, "Royal?"

She smiled as she sat and said, "I couldn't let you be the only good parent now, could I?"

He smiled and turned to her, giving his full attention.

Taking a deep breath she said, "That was the most amazing kiss I ever had Rick. I know it started as a ruse but never in my life did a kiss affect me like yours did."

She expected a smug smile but he kept his face neutral, letting her continue.

"When you kissed me I knew, I knew that you felt far more for me than you let on. When I thanked you as I wrapped your hand after you hit Lockwood, and you answered 'Always', it brought up a whole gamut of emotions in me. My heart soared and it also sank as I realized I was trapped in myself."

At his quizzical look she said, "I'm not a cheater but right then I wished I'd never met Josh, yet that made me feel guilty since I was seeing him and I felt that I was cheating on him, so I never mentioned the kiss, even though I thought about it every day."

She looked down and seeing his hand on the couch, reached out and held it as she continued, "I tried to tell you I loved you in the freezer, I knew that if we were going to die I had to let you know how much you meant to me."

"But then…"

"Yeah, I ran again. Josh stayed and I felt horrible, not that he stayed, but because of my mixed up emotions. He stayed for me and honestly part of me wished he didn't. But he did and he was there and when you pointed him out to me I ran. I said it meant we had a chance when actually I didn't want that chance, at least not with him."

Without realizing it Rick's thumb was moving in circles, caressing the top of her hand as it did when he was showing her what Royal liked being done to him. Inside part of her giggled thinking that this one action worked on dogs and her, and she spent almost a full minute in silence, just enjoying the feelings it was giving her.

She looked back up to his eyes and saw the warmth in them, saw the love for her he had been holding back, and even though that look still had the ability to frighten her, her want to see it all the time outweighed her fear of losing it someday.

"After the bomb, I knew you were going to ask me to dinner, and you should know that if you asked I would have said yes. Even though I said Josh's staying meant more than it did, I was willing to let him go if it meant I would be with you."

She looked deep into his eyes knowing her next words would sadden him, "But then he showed up and you walked away. I watched every step you took till you entered the elevator, and I so wished I was in there with you."

"But you put your arms around him; you were holding him, hugging him."

"I know. I wish I didn't do it, but I did. Like a reflex it just happened and probably because although most of me wanted to be with you right then, part of me was afraid."

"Afraid?"

Her voice lowered and he could barely hear her as she looked down at their joined hands and said, "I was afraid that I'd lose myself in you. That the person I'd spent years becoming after my mom died, would disappear…and I didn't know who I could be without that."

Keeping one hand on hers, he used his other and placed his index finger under her chin and raised her face to his. "You are so much more than Detective Beckett, Kate. So much more."

She smiled at him and when his thumb caressed her lips she lightly kissed it. She took his hand and held it near her mouth, then kissed his fingers one more time before lowering them on the couch, near their other, interlocked hands. With both hands holding his she continued, "When I was told my ticket had been upgraded to first class I knew it was you, but you have no idea how wonderful it was to walk up there and see you sitting in the seat next to mine."

As he smiled at the memory she said, "I wanted you to be there so badly, and when you lifted your glass of champagne it also lifted a weight I didn't know I was carrying."

She squeezed his hands and with deeper emotion said, "You were the only reason why I didn't pull the trigger, why I didn't cross over the line from justice to vengeance. If you hadn't been there Rick, if you hadn't been the anchor I desperately needed, I wouldn't be here now."

"Kate…"

Shaking her head she said, "No Rick. I would have pulled that trigger. What stopped me was the memory of the night before, sitting on the couch and forgetting that I was dating Josh, because Rick, I came back out the door. I wanted what I saw in your eyes when we talked, I wanted it always in my life, but when I walked out my door, you were closing yours." She smiled and said, "You didn't even realize that you kept me from being a cheater, and although part of me was disappointed you weren't there when I opened my door, there was that part that appreciated it. Appreciated you not pushing, allowing me to come to you without the guilt of being a cheater, because Rick, right then I knew that Josh would be history. I wanted you, and wanted to be with you, not him, not anyone else."

She saw the emotion in his eyes, the memory of that trip and the feelings it brought back.

"Royce wrote me a note that Lanie found in his pocket. In it he told me that what you and I have is special and that I shouldn't let it go. I shouldn't live my life thinking 'if only', and wish I'd taken that step with you."

He took a hand from hers and brought it up to her face, caressing her cheek and she leaned her head into his hand. "I started to take that step when I told you I was a 'one writer girl', and when I took you to see Forbidden Planet for what was probably your hundredth time."

"How did you know?"

Smiling Kate said, "Oh Rick, I've known you for how long? You called me your 'work wife' once, and with all the time we've spent together, at work and out, I knew you'd seen it before." She smiled and said, "A geek fanatic like you never having seen Forbidden Planet? Come on."

He gave an embarrassed smile and said, "I was wondering how to ask you if you'd like to see it and then you suddenly asked me." He grinned and added, "Unless there's an emergency with Alexis I could never refuse you anything."

She turned her head and kissed his hand still pressed to her cheek and said, "I know. I feel the same."

At his look she said, "Remember before you bought the Old Haunt? You called me in the middle of the night and I left an upset boyfriend who hadn't seen me in over a week to immediately come to you."

He took his hand from her face and hit himself in the forehead. "Of course! Now I remember. And you were still in the early stages of dating him, weren't you?"

She smiled and said, "Yeah. I should have known he was a dead end if I'd dump him in a second and rush on over to you."

He just smiled at her and she took a deep breath to continue but changed her mind and asked if he'd like a glass of wine.

"Only if you want one, otherwise I'm fine," he answered.

Thinking of what she still needed to tell him Kate said, "I want one. I'll get one for you too," then got up from the couch.

Making her way to the kitchen she pulled down two glasses and filled them with a chilled red wine. Picking up the two glasses she walked back to the couch, hoping he will understand what she still needed to say.

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AUTHORS NOTE: Well this one came out of the blue and it was a surprise when it just came out. As stated before in another story, I don't like cliffhangers and so I tried to end this chapter without one…or at least without a blatant one, so chapter 2 should hopefully not be too long in arriving.

Don't worry, I'm still working on Chapter 23 of IFP, but this and another story are running around in my head and clamoring to come out, and if I want to get some sleep tonight I figured I'd better quite them down.