Life is Funny

By: The Apathetic Jackass

Disclaimer: I own an umbrella hat, but I do not own Hetalia.

Warning: This is rated M. So please expect mature subject matter. Please do not report me, you have been warned. If you cannot handle mature content, then please stop reading.

Written to: We Used to Wait by Arcade Fire

A/N: HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOO. Recently just changed my pen name from Chill Out Its Just Me to The Apathetic Ass. I should really update my other stories, but I'm planning on re-writing them all and that's a pain in the ass so I'm putting that off by writing this! Hope you enjoy!

He shouldn't be here. He doesn't need to be here.

He gets average grades. Besides his cursing, he doesn't cause any trouble. He doesn't sleep around (or at least that's what everybody thinks) and he doesn't have any mental disorders. He doesn't have any terrible problems besides the situation with Ludwig, and that...

Well he can handle that.

So he shouldn't be here. He's just an average student. They should be talking to people like that suicidal guy from Lithuania, or that bipolar Hungarian bitch.

But instead Mr. Braginski calls for him.

He has no idea why.

So now he's waiting here, in this stupid chair that is giving him a rash, watching the crazy exchange student from Switzerland hit on the pretty receptionist who looks younger than he does. Usually he wouldn't have bothered come, but anything is better than sitting through another one of Mr. Oxensternia's lesson. Don't get him wrong, he's okay for a teacher, but no one can understand just what the fuck he's saying, and he just gave up trying. Usually he would find something to entertain himself, like think up new insults, or stare at the many mysterious stains on the ceiling, but he's pretty sure he's come up with every possible insult, and he can't get in a comfortable position in this goddamn chair so that he can observe the ceiling, so now he's reduced to watching the exchange student get more and more sexually frustrated with the oblivious receptionist.

"Lovino Vargas!" the counselor shouts from inside his office, just as the big-breasted school nurse leaves his office.

And as he walks towards the counselors office, he can't help but feel like a wave a shit is coming his way.

Now, Mr. Braginski is pretty cool. He lets students chill in his office, he writes you late-slips if you accidentally sleep in, and he's always there if you need to talk to him, but the bastard is fucking creepy. Even when he smiles, it's like there's this "Don't Fuck with Me Son" aura around him all the time. Because of DFWMS aura, most students are scared shitless of him. There are a few exceptions, Alfred, Matthew, Leon, and Lovino included. So when he walk in, he greets him with his signature "I'm Gonna Rape Your Entire Family" smile, and hands him a fresh tomato.

As he sits down on the squishy arm-chair reserved for his favourite students, he faces Lovino and stares at him intently. After a while, Lovino started staring at the suspicious stains on the ceiling and listening to the rain fall to the ground.

"Lovino."

Man those stains are interesting.

"Are you okay?"

There's one kind of shaped like the Milky Way, spirals and everything.

"You look really tired, da?"

The rain kinda falls to a rhythm now that I'm really paying attention to it.

"Have you gotten any sleep lately?"

Kinda sounds like Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" .

"Lovino, I know you don't want to talk about this, but I'm worried about you."

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo do just dance spin that record babe.

"You need help."

You know what? He thinks he can stand Mr. Oxensternia's lecture, even if it does sound like his mouth is full of shit. Before Lovino gets to the door though, Mr. Braginski grabs his wrist gently, stopping him from leaving.

"I'm just looking out for you Lovino, are you sure that every things fine?"

Looking at his round face and gentle (for once) smile, Lovino briefly entertains the idea of telling him everything. Everything with his parents, with his brother, and with Ludwig. He wonder what the expression on his face would be if Lovino lets the words stumble and trip out of his mouth, if he lets him know why Lovino doesn't sleep anymore.

But he decide not to. It's not as if he could understand.

So instead Lovino shook off his hand, and walked out the door.

Now like all high schools in America, Heta High has a class system, where those lucky bastards with their rich parents, good looks, and great personalities "rule the school". You have the other groups as well, the jocks, the stoners, the sluts, and other groups that essentially make up a high school. Now, an unknown fact is that every high school also has that one group of people who have nothing in common except for the fact that they're complete assholes. Lovino happens to be apart of that group. Not by choice really, just because they don't quite fit anywhere else, and they still have that instinctual need to be apart of some sort of pack, even if they don't exactly like each other. In our little group we have Alfred, Matthew, Leon, and Lovino.

Alfred Jones the offensive guard on the football team, and would have been sitting at the dumb jocks table if only he managed to piss all of them off. He is also in love with his half brother Matthew (who despises him). Most of the girls adored him, but he was to busy staring at Matthew's ass to notice. Even though he talks big, he's just some big gay baby playing hero. You may think he's a dumbass, but he's a lot more manipulative than you would think.

Matthew Williams is an…interesting case. His entire life he's been ignored or forgotten in favour of Alfred, causing him to struggle with being better than Alfred in any way possible. Because of this, he became one of the sluttiest kids in school (Alfred was to busy fantasizing about Matthew to have sex), and would also be hanging out with all the sluts if only he wasn't a guy and if he wasn't such a cynical asshole. He pretends to be ignorant to Alfred's affections, but he bends over and licks too many lollipops in front of him to be totally oblivious.

Leon Kirkland is just a fucking anomaly. He barely talks, we know very little about his home life (all we know is that he's Asian and his entire family is British), and that he's incredibly successful with women. All the girls he gets with has this strange fantasy where they'll crack his silent exterior and see a sensitive guy that just wants love, and then they'll ride away in the sunset or some shit like that. In all actuality he's just a dick, but a useful dick so they keep him around.

Then there's Lovino Vargas, but there's not much about him to talk about.

Instead of contributing to today's mindless conversation (something about the nutritional value of clay), Lovino observed the dumbasses that occupy the table. Watched Alfred stare at how Matthews lips moved, how Matthew ate his burrito far too erotically to be considered natural, saw Leon discretely stare at that new kid from Iceland, and moment Lovino thought about how stupid it all was.

And for a moment, he thought about how he wished he could be like them.

Now, if there was one subject Lovino hated more than anything, it was Gym. It's not like he was that one obese kid in every class who despised the subject with his entire being, he was actually fairly fit. It's just that this was the only class where he actually had to put in some effort. Not only that, but the gym teacher, some Turkish bastard, was always on his ass. So when it was announced that Mr. Adnan retired and has been replaced by a new teacher, Lovino was ecstatic (or at least happier), until he actually met the teacher.

Mr. Carriedo was quite possibly the most annoying fucker he had ever met.

This would not end well.

Ho damn cliff hanger (kind of) ! This will be my first multi-chapter Hetalia fic (well, besides that manual fic, but I'll be deleting that.)

There will be multiple pairings (which I will not reveal just because I'm a dickhead), but there will eventually be Spamano.

Also, the reason why I put Lithuania as sucidal and Hungary as bipolar is because Lithuania has the highest rate of suicide in the world and bipolar disorder is unusually high in Hungary.

Also, I changed my pen name from 'Chill Out its just me' to 'The Apathetic Jackass'.

Please review!